After 7 years, I moved. You're invited. (schmoments.blogspot.com)

building stairs @ deep ellum

Well, I guess this is goodbye.  And hello.

I began this blog in 2004 as a way to track my fitness.  You guys surprised the shit out of me by becoming, instead, one of the most important tools in my spiritual development.  We became for reals friends.  We rode out illnesses, marriages, divorces, babies, deaths and spiritual awakenings.  We became friends outside of the blogging world.  We sent each other real live mail.  Texts.  Calls.  Facebook messages.  I wrote for you sometimes.  And I know that sometimes, you wrote for me.

I was like a hungry caterpillar who didn't know she was hungry, and you spiritually fed me.  I ate.  I grew.  You fed me.  I grew.  I fully believed I was on my way to become the best caterpillar I could be.

In something like 2009, though if I really consider it, probably years earlier, a cocoon began to form around me.  Instead of comforting and safe, it felt terrifying and bleak.

I became very ill for about two years.  From lab work and MRI's, dr's could see some stuff was really wrong, but no one seemed to know why or how to make it better.  Most of the details so took over my existence that I never want to discuss them again; the worst of it was that for awhile, I I couldn't even take my students on field trips, drive or stay alone.   B was my rock.  He took care of me when I could not take care of myself, which was most of the time.  I was so dependent on him that I would have nightmares of something happening to him.

When I happened to be at my worst physically, his sweet mom called us to say she had non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.  And it was Stage 4.  It was time for B to take care of someone else.

When he went to KC to care for his mom during her first treatment, we flew my own mom in to help take care of me.  She complained of abdominal pains.

About six weeks later, she appears to be 7 months pregnant.  A cancerous tumor has rapidly grown on her ovary, they tell us.  Turns out, it is also non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.  Two moms in two months. They feel it is inoperable.

I email my truly amazing therapist of seven years to draw support.  So much of my life had been changed because of her, but like my relationship to B, I suspected I was probably overly dependent.  In fact, when I moved to Dallas, I panicked about my inability to leave her.  I begged her to continue our sessions via Skype, which we did. This time,  return correspondence includes that she has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and will no longer be seeing patients.  "I'm sorry that you are being hit with three cancers," she said.  "I want you to know that you're very special to me."  

I always thought there was something secretly spiritual lingering beneath the professional relationship between a therapist and client.  

She later died.

My caterpillar body, life as I knew it, seemed to be dissolving.

Desperate, I bought an 800 dollar juicer and began pretty religiously following Gerson Therapy.  I began to finally gain strength physically as I watched other parts of my life slip away.

Reaching for any access to inner strength, I paid what felt like a gazillion dollars to learn Transcendental Meditation.  B went as well.

Many amazing things happened after this.  Both of our moms went into remission.  I got better, physically, little by little.  I even lost about sixty pounds.  I seemed to find my body's recipe for happiness; most importantly, I learned that what she says goes, no questions.  Oddly, for Bruce and I, meditating was the beginning of the end.  Maybe the old us' didn't have the sense of infinity to let go of what needed to be released?

The relationship was easy to release at first; the unbearable parts came later, when I realized how long he had been miserable, waiting for me to push the Eject button.  B and I had been like two friends who picked one another from the Catalog Of Intellectually Defendable Decisions to be life partners.  We realized that as far as love goes, that catalog sucks.

Another version of me, shed.  Am I the same person, I wondered?  Am I who I planned to be at all?  Am I the same chick who had a soon-to-be doctor husband and a baby plan? 

broken open @ deep ellum

I have no plan.

I'm a chick who busted out of a cocoon. I don't know what's next, but I know it will be perfect for whatever it is.  I'll be here: schmoments.blogspot.com

Namaste,
Faye

The one in which she has two comments and a question.

Comment number one: 

Yesterday, we purchased tickets to Amsterdam/Paris.  Yes, Amsterdam & Paris!  Me!  This will be my 2nd international trip; I suspect I love to travel.  There will be much walking, coffee, wine, cheese and pastries. And coffee. And pastries.  And pastries.  In eight weeks, we depart.   Of course, I have to lose 10 pounds before we go so I can gain 10 pounds when we are there, thus breaking even. In sort of a fat way, que sera, sera. 

We're going to Amsterdam first. Basic plan there: Ride a bike, drink a crapload of coffee next to the beautiful canals, soak up old-world charm, experience the canals from a boat ride, somehow try to handle the emotional overload it will be to walk through Anne Frank's secret opening bookcase, to stand in Van Gogh's museum, to be inside Rembrant's room. 

Then, a four hour train ride to Paris. 

Ah, Paris.  We'll be there a little longer.  We are buying a book, 24 Walking Tours of Paris; of the travel books we have reviewed, it seems to capture the essence of "soaking up" a place rather than rushing through an exhausting number of sights.  

Of course, I plan to see some key pieces at the Lourve; more importantly, however, I look forward to seeing up close much of the artwork I have studied in all of my art courses.  The place for this is the Musee D'orsay.   I cannot imagine what that will feel like.  Other than this, yes, I'd like to see the biggies, but I want to soak up the place more than anything.  When I sink into my soul's desires, I find that I'm not as much of a sight seer as a soaker-upper.  Take some pictures.  Read.  Write.  Sip.  Watch.  Soak.

And did you notice the 'we' that I speak of? Yes, B is coming with me!  For something like Europe, of course I would have liked for Bruce to go, given the amount of money in our bank account means we haven't done stuff  like this a lot (once!).  It had appeared we would not have common vacation for a year; luckily,  B was able to work it out. 

As more saavy travelers may already know, it was the SAME price to take B and go during spring break together that it was for me to go in the summer alone. So, if you're thinking of traveling, I am telling you that you can fly into Amsterdam and out of Paris (with a DIRECT flight into DFW, if you are a neighbor!) for under $700. Under $700! 

I am looking forward to sharing my first trip to Europe with Bruce, who lived in France for a little while and who also speaks French! 

As for my little solo travel bug, I will scratch this itch at a later date. I'm thinking of either going to NYC for a weekend and seeing Billy Elliot on Broadway, or to San Francisco, or to Chicago, or somewhere in Florida to watch birds (loser, I know).  I'd really like to go to LA and see Ellen. I love Ellen to pieces; But, I don't know if I want to dance in the crowd without a buddy.  Do you want to go with me?

Comment number two: 

For a few years, I've been eying digital SLR cameras. I've watched them come down in price as I've realized how much I like taking pictures. The camera I've had for years is great, however the shutter speed should be called the shutter ohmygodhowcanyoubesoslow. I love it, though for what it is. I thought I might enjoy taking pictures, and this camera showed me that I was right. Eva at girly-bits.com summarizes my feelings on photography so perfectly here. She's right, for those of us who love the arts but are not, well, fabulous painters or composers or architects, photographer is the great equalizer. It is not too hard to both love the process and also to get some satisfaction out of the product.  Eva, like several of the other bloggers I frequent, is a fabulous photographer. 

Product aside, photography is the consciousness maker. I love the idea of framing every piece of the universe in it's best light, of slowing down and capturing the details of a moment. It beckons presence, which can be slow to manifest in real time. :)

I purchased the Nikon D40. But, now I'm thinking I should switch to the Canon Rebel (the 2008 one).  People seem to think Canons often have better lenses.  Also, the camera itself has the "live view," so one can look through the LCD and not only the view finder.  Mark of a novice to want that, I hear,  but I'm not sure I'm ready to let it go completely.  Right now, I am like a baby deer, trying to figure out what all of the acronyms stand for and how to make things not fuzzy.  I suspect (hope) the learning curve is a steep one.

And a Question: 

I've been knitting.  I like it!  But after I work on a piece, I always feel compelled to unravel it and start over.  It progressed to a premeditated act: "Ooh, I should sit down and knit something and then take it apart."  

Why is that?

i'm a loser baby

House appraised for the right amount. Yay! We can stop holding our breath now. Kind of. 3 weeks to closing. Don't ask us to dinner, unless you are buying.

Now, we are asking if the appraiser could justify an even higher appraisal, so we could have some help with downpayment...We are getting in right now with 6k, but that is SO painful. We are po'! We are eager to take the loser way out and finance a little of that right in. Yes, we know that that might make Suzie Orman or Rich Dad judge us, but it will lower our anxiety about adjusting to a mortgage and all the crap that can go wrong. So it's worth it.

But anyways, yay.

I've been scouting pets on petfinder.com now that we're going to have a yard. B is luke warm only on this, but I'm always the one who talks him into pets. And then he can't imagine not sharing our lives with them. And then, as if to give me the finger, they often end up liking him the most!

This time, we're getting a girl.

Phoebe-ish update: As encouraged by my ayurveda doctor, I put out an intention to find the right meditation right for me and "waited for the universe to respond." And, as I'm coming to expect, the universe DID! An old friend from KS wrote me to tell me about "zero point field" meditation, which she's getting very into. And in NYC, a cab driver who took me to the airport actually was a Buddhist Monk. He said he had met the author of my favorite Buddhist writing, "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying." Wow. He went on to tell me that he really hoped I'd look into "emptiness meditation." Wow, wow, wow. I am loving just following my bliss, putting out intentions, and waiting for the universe to respond. It is a new kind of faith for me. Regarding all the funky meditations: I think I just like sitting. Is that okay?

City of Brotherly Love

It was going to be the height of romance. Me + New York City = love forever. My crush was in full force; I mean, I had just watched the Sex in the City movie (okay, twice). We had an exciting first date a few years back, but this time I knew the magic was really going to happen. Tagging along with a girl I work with, I was enthusiastic to get my New York on. I probably didn't give enough consideration to the fact that we were staying in a studio with 3 other people, because I really want to be low maintenance like that. Fact is, people, I'm just not. It's not about space as much as it's about quiet time. But, I did stay one night in the Chinatown studio, and I'm proud for being a little bit flexible, especially because then I would get to see all of New York for super cheap.

Then I met Philadelphia.

True love.

I rode the train down from NYC to stay for a couple of days with my friend Candice in NJ (close by). The idea was to catch up with Candice and then head back to NY for the rest of the trip. I decided to check out Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love.

There was some chemistry there. I decided to spend the night. And another night. And another night. It has been me and me alone exploring what I think might be my new favorite city. I love the dinner cruise I took, that people walk around in Colonial clothes. I love the old-world charm (well, for the new world), how there are bicycle trails all over, the old boats, the pier, balmy summer weather, narrow brick roads, Rittenhouse Square, that there are a bazillion giant, old trees.. I love it in a political way, too. Reading the plaque by the Liberty Bell really moved me because the idea of liberty for ALL carries such meaning today. (Not to claim national symbols for my lefty ways, but you know, the righties did it with Christianity.)


What sealed the deal is that the downtown has the charm of NYC, tons of eclectic people that are actually sort of nice, AND it is ALL within WALKING distance. A long walk, but a walk. A total pedestrian-friendly city with little signs everywhere that show you where you are and all the places you could walk in 10 minutes. I love that. I hope that over time, Dallas can learn a thing or two from Philadelphia. Yes, there are some pretty to-the-core differences, but Dallas is making some progress with this. I think we can become a people friendly urban area. :)

This vacation has further solidified that 90% of people might not want to vacation with me. I like to go places with people, but I need so much alone time to really thrive. Constant time in conversation really leaves me needing to recharge. I used to think that indulging that side made me a baby, but I've realized, especially through this trip that it is just me.

I relish long meals alone in charming restaurants. I love to lay down on city benches and stare up through trees. Sitting in little coffee shops and smiling at people's dogs. Not huge on the sights, but I like to check out what speaks to me. Mostly, I like to just soak up the feel of a place.


Tomorrow I get back on the train to New York to catch my plane out of Laguardia. Plane leaves at 9:30. Not sure whether to catch a sight or so in NY or go to this place in Phill that apparently serves Oprah's favorite mac and cheese. Always the classy girl, I think I might choose the greasy comfort food. I really miss B, so I'm ready to go home.

And (since we don't have tv at our home), I'm watching t.v. right now. Wow. I see why people are getting stupider. Has mtv not gone down hill even more since I was 14? I am actually stupider. And the worst part is, I'm still watching. And on the flip side, I am noticing they are including gay couples in their little dating shows regularly. That is SO Liberty Bell.

now

So...

I was just at the house, as we're getting the inspection right now. So far, everything is solid, especially for a house built in the 30's.

I met my across-the-street neighbor, another teacher at another arts magnet (but the high school one, which is where Norah Jones went). He mentioned that he often made dinner for the prior owner of our house (noted!). He also said that the hood is a great group of people with an active home owner's association, which is trying to get some small spring-fed "lakes" back in the community. He said that there is actually a waterfall (well, over a dam. Not an Ansel Adams situation...but still!) that is right in our back yard once the water rises some! To be honest, the more we are there, the more I notice I love about it. It is the sanctuary I've been looking for.

And, I feel a little mushy about how I got here. Once again, a testament to letting go a little, accepting and loving wherever I am *now* and following my bliss. Mia, you totally had a part in this. Isn't it strange how much these weird little blogging friendships can end up changing our thinking and effecting our lives? When I was whining about no nature in Dallas, Mia said, (with great tact!) "bloom where you are planted." So, I did. We knew we wanted a greater sense of community, maybe a little more progressive-minded, diversity...so we started looking at houses. From there, we fell into this house, which we cannot believe they are selling to us for a price we can afford.

Inspired by Lori, I've decided I need a "me room," for uninterrupted meditation, introspection, etc. I thought it was going to be easy, as the garage is already partially converted: Make a little room. Done. The thing is, apparently, for a garage conversion to really matter for home value, you need to extend the foundation. So, not quite as easy as slapping up some dry wall. When I was sitting in stillness for a bit today, I remembered that I've always been inspired by little outdoor prayer chapels...So, there's an idea, and a pretty feasible one, I think. A little room, built outside with some good views, the size of a big closet just long enough for yoga movements, with electricity (in case I want to write) and nature all around, where I can be still and in total solitude. There is a part of me that feels guilty for wanting a room just for me, but I guess people just have different needs. Maybe it's because I grew up being alone a lot. My mom worked the night shift a lot, and even though we lived in an old trailer, it was on all this land. I enjoyed that solitude so much. I didn't feel lonely anymore when I was outside with my little dog, laying in grass. I miss that. I am never alone in nature, and I've realized that I will be deeply sad if my kids don't get to have a similar experience: Not a lot of stuff, but a lot of nature. Like anyone else, I lose my footing in life sometimes...but I'm so happy I know a place where I can find it again.

And deeply grateful that something so inspiring is probably going to be right in my back yard. More pictures coming.

if perception is reality, then what is reality?

I am lyrically stunted. I just don't perceive song lyrics the way you probably do. Exhibit A: I always thought Stevie Nicks was singing, "just like the one winged dove." My husband, pointing and laughing, explained to me that white winged dove makes more sense and that's probably what Stevie meant. At times like this, he turns my own evil teacher tricks against me and says things like, "Uh, let's use our context clues please?"

I guess I made that bed. Always a fan of the self-denegrating humor genre, I later riskily performed what I can only describe as an interpretive vignette of what a flying one-winged dove would indeed look like. At a work holiday party. At my principal's (i.e. boss, evaluator, bestower of financial future) table. Think circles, beer in one hand, free arm flapping most ungracefully.

There are some things I've been meaning to tell you. One is that I had the great pleasure of hearing Maya Angelou speak a few months ago. It was honestly too huge to write about at the time. I can only equate how I felt when I saw her to how I felt when I first saw a real-live sketch Van Gogh made in preparation for a painting that I received love, comfort and beauty from for years and years of my life. Instant overwhelming feeling of gratitude and love.
I first read Angelou's, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" when I was 14. It was a very dark time. Sharing someone else's darkness (as Angelou shares in her memoir), knowing they lived through it, gave me hope. It was precious to me, she was precious to me, like a friend that I really needed. This was right after I moved out of my mom's. To make a long story short, I was given the wrong test, and so medicine that I never should have taken. I have never felt darker in my life, and I believe I will always feel humbled to what those who suffer true deep depression like that are going through. It is senseless and naive to ever, EVER judge them, as we can never perceive the world as anyone else perceives it exactly; the chemicals in our brains, and sometimes the neural pathways from childhood can literally leave us absolutely wired for debilitating depression (thanks to brain plasticity, it is possible for brains to re-wire, by the way), slaves to the brain's circuitry. That's not to say we don't have some control, and I'm not talking about moral relativism. It is just incredibly humbling to consider the degree to which chemicals and neuropathways control our emotions, thoughts and perceptions.
Anways, increasingly, the ridiculous medicine drove me into this mega darkness. I remember being at school one day in 8th grade and actually having a reality break. I was seriously drugged, straight out of a "this is your brain on drugs," commercial. I would just refuse to pick up my head during classes, and I cared not a bit what anyone thought about that. I doubt that teachers in my rural German-mennonite school community were equipped to deal with this, so I spent a lot of time sleeping in the nurse's office. I would just lay there, hoping it was true what they said, that I would feel like living some day. On this particular day, the climax of the whole God-aweful experience, I stumbled from the little nurse's office cot only to observe the walls and furniture around me grow and twist like some Alice In Wonderland nightmare. It was total sensory cluster-youknowwhat. I would reach out for something, and it would be further than it should, bigger than it should, smaller than it should. As you can imagine, I freaked. School counselor (whose coffee, I regret to say, had previously been involved in an Ex-Lax scandal among myself and a group of friends) drove me to a community mental health center where it was FINALLY figured out that they had been wrong all along. Misdiagnosed. Wrong diagnostic test. Living with grandma turned out to be pretty good medicine in and of itself.

Soon after, I got my spunk back, and somehow they let me graduate 8th grade although I am almost positive I missed over 60 days of instruction and surely flunked almost everything. (I have no idea.) Although I never felt that way again, my brush with crazy gave me a strange sense of comeraderie with, well, crazies. I didn't know crazy was something you could catch, and it's still tempting to see a giant chaism that separaties the crazies from the non-crazies, but the humbling reality is that, in the words of Maya Angelou, "We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike."

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Saw a caterpillar at my friend, Liz's, school. She teaches 2nd, too. But bilingual, fancy.
Sam, being himself. This is when we first got him, and he had to wear a sweater bc parvo made him skinny and cold.
We get to make fires now!

I'm a genie in a bottle, baby.

My mother, who had me at 19, said that when I was in-utero, she carefully developed two life goals for me, two very important blessings she felt she had never had. Goal #1: May fetus grow to have longs legs. At 5 feet, 1 and ½ inches, she had apparently grown weary of standing on her tippy-toes and of walking two steps for everyone else’s one. And, she thought, it would be endlessly easier to shop for jeans.

Trite by some standards, but undoubtedly superior to any self-unattained goal I might have concocted had I been approaching parenthood at 19…Content-wise, that is; the goals themselves would have been top quality, by my most pop-psychology standards at least. By then, I had taken and dropped enough community college classes and watched enough Oprah shows to know that goals must be specific and framed into discrete periods of time.

For example: May said hypothetical child learn to shotgun cans of beer without turning nostril into power hose, by the age of 19. Very good goal, and I can tell you from unglamorous experience, very useful. Imaginary love-child goal #2: May said hypothetical child drunk dial, in hysterical Britney-esque fits of laughter and singing, less than 4 ex boyfriends between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m. on the average Saturday, by the age of 19. Definitely blessed with A+ goal-making abilities; really should have kept showing up to class. And it’s a good thing I never got pregnant.

Mom must have rubbed the right Genie’s lamp -or whatever they’re calling it these days- because her wish was granted. Atop painstakingly painted and then thoroughly worn and neglected nails and french-fry toes I happen to think endearing are two long legs, stretching up to my insidiously descending butt.

Unfortunately for mom (and some might say me), she neither took nor dropped enough community college classes by then to know about the specific and time-frame rules. If she had, she may have reframed her long-legs goal like this: May future child have consistently shaven size 4, 6 or 8, long slender legs, with less than 20% body fat and less than ten bruises and scars per leg, every day, forever- not just on the yo part a yo-yo diet.

The second goal was for me to be independent, but that is a whole other King Midas story.

truthfully, i...

...am one of the last Lisa Loeb fans. Hence the title. I like to sing to her songs, I have a tiny girl crush on her, and I wish I had her glasses.
...need to clean my house. Observe clutter in photos.
...sometimes turn on the hand dryer when I leave a restroom that I only went into to primp and therefore had no reason to wash my hands (and didn't)- but I didn't want anyone to think I, you know, went and didn't wash 'em. Wow, that's a little crazy.
...am a little crazy.
...share a birthday with my husband (really). He turns 31 Thursday. Me, 28.
...am not getting Invisilign inspite of my quite imperfect teeth, partly because of how endearing I think Tori Amos' crooked imperfect teeth are.
...am already listening to Christmas jazz music.
...LOOOOOOVE the fall and love fall themed things, like the pumpkin spice latte at S-bucks.

...like to walk through Nieman Marcus because it smells good.
...wish I could wear expensive clothes from Anthropologie, because I think they are walking ART. I feel kind of bad for wanting these expensive clothes; it's against my values, really...but, they are so pretty.
...get older and stupider. Or wiser, in a way, bc I was always this stupid but now I KNOW. Sometimes I think, "what else don't I know?"
...impersonated Cartman to a group of students the other day. They were so surprised I could do it that they almost fell off their chairs.
...am a little embarassed at how gratifying it is to be able to impersonate a South Park character.
...have started downloading tv shows off itunes. The lineup: Sarah Silverman, Weeds, Scrubs. I watch them when I exercise.
...I feel kind of bad for liking to watch Sarah Silverman's show, bc I don't think I'd like her in person...a little too over the top mean...the kind of mean that makes you think you actually could end up youknowwhere just by knowing her.

When I dip, you dip, we dip.

Here are some little green flowers that lived on my table for awhile. I like to keep fresh flowers around, and my favorite flowers are casa blanca lillies. About a month ago, I found out that these are *DEADLY* to cats. You know, I remember that friends episode where Phoebe mentions this, but I just thought it was one of those random things Phoebe would say...turns out I am very nearly a cat killer. So, here are my new flowers. Actually, they are dead now, and I am on to some pretty greenish roses. Anyways, I had to photo shop it a little, because I took the pix from far away, and it was grainy when I brought it close up.

I have been tagged by Draco to say 7 quirky things about myself. I've already done this 'tag' in the past, but I think I have enough quirky things to go around, so here are 7 MORE quirky things about moi:

1. To me, animals are just as important as people. I know this screams in the face of many religions that say human life is sacred above all others, but it is the way I feel, that ALL life is sacred. I think we are monkeys...but I love monkeys, so take it as a complement. The picture is of my cat looking human, with a book page (not sure which book, either something Buddhism or something Family Systems) and a soy chai latte (which my husband taught me to make...yum!).
2. I am addicted, and I mean addicted to watching Friends dvd's. My friend JoAnne watches them in order, but I just get stuck on one dvd for awhile, and then move on to another. I wish all of my friends lived in my apartment building and that we didn't work regular work weeks so that we could drink coffee together all day.
3. When I am over the top stressed about work, I sit my mini-dvd player on the side of the bath tub and watch "You've Got Mail" while I drink hot tea and soak it all away.
4. I love to listen to Bach but not Mozart...Mozart feels stressy to me, but Bach seems calming & centering.
5. I seem to constantly crave vinegar...I love salt and vinegar chips, vegetarian buffalo wings (b/c of the vinegar in the sauce), and I love to put tons of vinegar in my chili. Last week, I made chili just so I could eat some vinegar.
6. Sometimes I wake up in the morning to this "spooning pattern," listed from outside to inside: Husband, me, dog, cat. I feel like I have so much love in my home and sometimes can't even believe how lucky we all are for all of this peace. My dog is cuddling with me right now. :)
7. I have an unbelievably short attention span, although I've worked hard to extend it. I used to fall asleep at movies, b/c it was just too long to maintain my attention. I've overcome it, but I still don't have the attention stamina for bowling....I think there should be something like speed bowling for people like me, where you play 5 frames, then go play a game of skee ball, then have a beer w/ interesting conversation, then maybe the other 5 frames. Long conversations always hold my attention, though. My friend Candice and I use to sit for four or five hours at the coffee shop having all kind of scandalous conversations. I miss that. I feel like it is harder to find people willing to slow down here in Dallas; everyone seems on their way to something. Also related, I can't read just one book at a time: always at least 3.

I tag anyone who feels like it.

stream of consciousness

fitness stuff...So, what is up with me coming home and falling asleep right after dinner? How could I POSSIBLY be SOO exausted? I know first yr teaching is supposed to be a killer, but wouldn't it be different by now...Will this exaustion EVER go away (other than in the summer, of course!)...Looking at my diet, this makes me wonder if poor nutrition isn't the culprit. Especially for someone who's had some yuck low blood sugar issues, I probably shouldn't be going long periods of time w/o eating, and then binging on chocolates b/c I'm so starving (and there is always a teacher around me who will give up some of their stash)! I was doing a great job of planning out and preparing all of my meals, vitamins and even outfits so that healthy eating and exercise would be a planned part of my day instead of something I do when I 'feel like it,' which is NEVER. Lately, it seems as though I've fallen off of every bandwagon that I've ever been on...but, I am picking myself back up slowly...I will get there!!

I'm happy, but sometimes it seems that I barely exist during the weekdays...I'm just so tired. Maybe it is not work; maybe it is nutrition or the fact that I'v upped my exercise (SOME!) overall lately...1.5 weeks until spring break!

random stuff...Well, now it's 4am...I've been up for awhile due to one of the worst nightmares ever involving finding a bucket of brains and fingers (really!) in my closet. I was rooming with another teacher at my school (you know, "teacher-mares"), and we found the bucket together after she had been sent a letter from a man who had been in our apt. for some type of contract work...He had placed it there to 'show her what she was in for.' Sounds silly now, but holy cow, it freaked me out. In the dream I called my dad, and he offered me moving expenses and said I could live with him. How odd, in a time when I probably need to be working on my relationship with my dad (no drama, it's just that that's part of why we moved here, and teaching has kept me so busy).

I'd like to thank all the little people...

...that I ate for dinner, which is why I'm enrolled in The Biggest Loser at my place of work. I'm pretty excited about winning 400 dollars and have pretty much decided that the money is mine. You can go ahead and congratulate me now, b/c I'm going to win. I don't usually report fitness info on this blog anymore, as I've become supersticious about it (it started as a weight loss blog, but I've actually gained 15 (or 20?) lbs since starting it)....Now, I didn't control for all variables, I will admit....such as increased calories and carbs and decreased exercise, dating Ben & Jerry, not to meantion that I'm not getting any younger, folks.

some people wait a life time for a moment like this

...so, I got tagged by Climenhaga to say five quirky things about myself...I don't think I've been tagged before, isn't that sad? tear, tear, pity party, pity party...

God bless lists, by the way.

1. I stay excited about Christmas all year long...even worse, I start listening to the holiday music right after halloween. i don't care how annoying you think i am, christmas is great. I used to just hate it (along with smiles, happy people and the color pink) when I was a dark and gloomy teenager, but I'm INTO it now! Last year, I had a Christmachanukwaanzakah party at my house.

2. I hate it when people talk about the bodily fluid that lives in the nose. Hate it. It makes me terribly aware of my own, which for some reason I find to be the most discusting sensation imaginable, even right now. ugh. i know this will be a challenging ocd-ish quality if i ever become a parent, but i cannot help it!

3. As long as we're on obsessive/compulsive tendencies, I also have a problem with someone watching me blow my own nose or brush my teeth. i will leave the room, close the door, whatever i need to do to get some privacy.

4. In spite of my need for privacy in such situations, I'm surprisingly comfortable discussing many things that others probably would consider private...this was much to the dismay of my parents when i was growing up...i told on myself often and shared more than they ever wanted to know!!

5. I really like the Andrews Sisters. Really. I can sing many of their songs and have always enjoyed that era both musically and historically speaking...I was once Rosie the Riveter for Halloween, although most people in my college town did not figure it out...

I tag Margaret & Lauren & Christi Lee & whoever else actually reads this blogs and wants to be tagged.

o' chanukah tree

Spent the afternoon with my mom who came into town to visit. She bought me this tiny, tiny Christmas tree, and then we bought all of these tiny, tiny decorations for it! It is ADORABLE! I decorated it all in pearly silveryness--you know, to be multicultural. Okay, so it's a sad attempt at encouraging cultural diversity, but since my husband is Jewish, I try to stick to blues and silvers insteads of reds & greens...and snowflakes instead of Santas...The funny thing is I don't think that Bruce could care less, even if I walked around in a Santa costume. Secretly, I just like it more. Wanna know something funny about life in the midwest? My husband was only the second Jewish person that I had ever known--we mostly just had white, Christian, republicans in my home town--and some grain elevators.

We were the poor people. We lived in a trailer behind my grandma's house. The cool thing about trailers is that all you have to do to see who's home is turn your head to the left and then to the right. The bad thing about trailers is that some of them, like ours, still have the tail lights, and rain is surprisingly loud when falling on a tin roof. At any rate, I must have gone to a good school or just met some good people, because I never felt ashamed that I lived in a trailer or had free lunches. I was really curious about people who had more money than we did, and I was sort of suspicious of them. Maybe I thought that they were rude because they didn't share. Maybe I was a com-mie child? :)

Anyways, I came home from hanging out with my mom, put on my COMFY pj pants and made myself wheat pasta with sauteed vegetables and tomato sauce. It reminded me of pasta putenesca from a series of unforunate events. I had green tea, too. My plan is to pick up a little, study a little, do a little yoga.

i think my dog is a hippie

I just fed Preston, my beloved lab, another dried apricot halve. He freakin' loves them...along with every other type of vegetation known to man. We often joke that maybe he is a vegetarian at heart, because he spends a really huge amount of time eating various plants when he is outside. I mean, it is way above average, here. Preston loves him some greens. The other day, I fed him some acorn squash and a tomato. He looked at me with eyes that said, "keep this secret veggie feeding thing up, and you may finally be my favorite." Lately, we've been noticing that he really loves to lay on the yoga mat, as well. I freely admit. I will admit I am secretly happy to know that Preston at least has some hippie-ish tendencies...It just helps me to assume that if he were a registered voter, he would probably not go Republican. I like to think that he is actually quite liberal. Yes, a liberal, vegetarian hippie--who loves me best.

I have not been feeling like updating at all! I really just don't know why. I keep having these secret fears that when I finally feel like updating again, no one will want to talk to me anymore! Well, Dont' Cry for me, Argentina...the truth is that I NEVER left you...I've been reading; just not writing.

Ummm, I have this view on life and work that has sort of shifted and developed in the last year or so...It really seems that those of us who live this "American dream" life/goals can just become so disconnected...so BUSY, and what's the point? So, there's something that you may not know about me that is about life in general...I don't feel the need to achieve the American Dream...I think that we work toooooo much. I'd rather get to the end of my life and know that I have spent my time building relationships and myself as a person and an altruist--things that are more internal than a nice car and nice clothes.

I'm reading this funny book, "Autobiography of a Fat Bride," which is sort of a caricature of my own life...Many, many awkward and humbling moments to be found here. It is really funny.

lists, yo

LISTS!

Favorite things about this particular week:
-No work; no school
-CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Got wireless internet
-Worked out pretty well so far
-Spending quality time with my man and my dog
-Helped cook at the community kitchen
Favorite books:
-Night, by Elie Wiesel
-A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
-She's Come Undone, by Wally Lamb
-Tuesdays With Morrie

What I'm reading:
-Jane Goodall: Reason for Hope
-Desmond Tutu's autobiography
-Lucy...about the discovery of "Lucy in the sky with diamonds" at Oldevai Gorge in Africa.

Next on my list:
-A Series of Unfortunate Events (the 1st one)
-Practical Kaballah
Current new favorite song:
-That new Lenny Kravitz song; I don't know what it's called, but it is super good.

What I miss:
-My "little" from Big Brothers, Big Sisters...Being a "big" for 2 and a half years made me want to always be a better person...but, she moved. :(
-My friend Andy...We've lost touch, and I just had a dream about him last night, and I realized I really miss that guy.
I've been feeling sort of nostalgic lately...You know when you miss all of the people you've ever known...friends you never quite got to know, or friends you lost touch with, people who have inspired you...or, even old flings or loves...not in the way that you would ever want to be back with them, but just as a person...kind of a "hey, I miss you--Maybe it wasn't THE thing, but it was SOMEthing."
Back to listing:

What makes me cry (happy cry...oh, and I'm so mushy):
-Kids singing
-Any Oprah Winfrey show
-The end of Sister Act II where the teenagers do the singing and dancing medly
-The part of "Love Actually" where the little girl sings, "All I want for Christmas is You."
-Wonderful things happening to people who haver really struggled
-Reading the "thankyou" cards about adopted pets at the Humane Society
Favorite Southpark episode:
-The one with John Stamos' brother
Favorite Friends Character(yes, Friends):
-Phoebe

Okay, I'm sure I can find something productive to do...:)

God, is that you?

In less than six hours, nobody can "bah' at me for being the Christmas junkie that I am...I've already got the Christmas CD in...a little "Santa Baby," and, of course, Mariah Carey--the real queen of the season. I've been watching the movie "Love Actually," which I must reccommend to any and all.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

I talked to my childhood bf last night for a couple of hrs...She did the 10k last yr. that I'm considering registering for for this yr. (May)...As I've mentioned, although I actually enjoy running, my knees really do kill and pop like crazy the next day (chondromalacia: my pitiful excuse for fatness)--Can't afford to get them "fixed" now, but am wondering if anyone ever runs a race with most of their training as cross-training...I would really love something like this to look forward to, and I really do just enjoy racing and the challenge involved...

Ah, stream of consciousness. Better actually go now. I probably shouldn't show up to Thanksgiving Dinner empty-handed with a fork. :)

random rambling...

As usual, I'm hard at work on an education project... (I'm assuming that I will never use it, although it would be nice if some of these things actually will go into use one day.) I think I've mentioned this before, but I'm in an unusual program where one works on their Master's while they are completing their bachelor's...So, oddly enough, I will graduate with my master's one semester after my bachelor's...(Yes, this is a large, accredited university--with a ranked program..not internet college or something) The reason for the existence of this program is that a master's degree is required to teach sp. ed. in my state, but there is also a large teacher shortage for sp. ed....The reeeaaally cool thing is that I pay undergrad. prices for almost all of my grad. classes...the bad thing is that I do a lot of practicum experiences, etc., that I might have been able to get paid for anyways, had I just gone into teaching regular ed. first--which I would be doing right now, had I not taken the odd route...Plus, it's always weird to tell my family at holidays that I technically don't have my bachelor's degree yet, even though I have about half of a master's...:)--Perfectionist, kick-my-own-butt-me, of course, wants to complete every imaginable class available before possibility of jacking up any other human beings.

I say all this to mention that I think that, aside from my sp. ed. classes, teacher education is much like a religious cult....at least at the land from which I hail...Please excuse me while I go pray to the dean of elementary education...Really, though, it is absolutely maddening. There is just no room for personal space whatsoever.--Also...education, I love...however, I am frequently told of my need to be an upstanding example in my community, so that the people who see me out will not think poorly of a teacher...Holy cow, that drives me crazy...I will be an example of what IIIIIIIIIIIIII think is exemplary, however, if we apply the faye rule of thumb, we will see that my example of anything is usually not consistant with that of the norm...That's just me.

Hopefully, the "real world" will not be as cultish as the experience in which I currently take part.

Yesterday was my little brother's birthday...He has cerebral palsy and is nonverbal, so we didn't talk...but, I'm going to Dallas to visit him in two weeks. :)

ramble number three.

Didn’t ramble yesterday...Well, not on a blog, at least. I sat most of the day out sick. I actually think I caught it online, as all of you whose blogs I’m reading seem to be sick as well.

Feeling sort of crabby and behind on some responsibilities...how trying. It’s amazing how much being behind on one thing can cause distress...which, then causes me to fall behind on something else...when then brings about shoddier feelings...which then cause me to fall behind on yet something else. And then what is there to do but eat some cake? Cycle schmycle.

I’m planning a wedding. My wedding. It’s not until July, but in the freaky and messed up world of Brides to Be, this isn’t long at all. First, let me say that I am the least “bride” of all brides...Marriage, I'm for, especially marriage to B. I’m just not an "all eyes on me" person; however I folded at the sound of motherly pleas ...So, the good news is that I’m finally ironing out some of the details...which makes me feel that I have things under control much more...which makes me happy. I have to admit that some of it is actually fun...like the fact that we’re getting married outside...We don’t know who’s going to officiate, however. He was raised Jewish and I was raised Christian, but neither of us see a lot of use for any major organized religion in our lives. —Also, for us, that would be an individual rather than a couple decision. So, it’s a secular ceremony...Spiritual, yes...Religious, not so much...Short and to the point, ABSOLUTELY!

In an unrelated story, I volunteer for the organization Big Brothers, Big Sisters. For about two and a half years, I’ve had the same “little.” She’s 13 now—I’m pretty honest with her that middle school is a pretty big dip in the road of life...I think she agrees....but, I’m not so sure she totally believes me that it does get better. I would absolutely freak out if I had to go back to that time period in my life. How miserable. Anyways, I mention my little to say that, all of a sudden, her mom has decided to move the family really far away...More than a day’s drive! I’m so sad! The worst part is I am in such a busy time for the next month or so, and so I just don’t have any time to do a lot of extra special things with her before she leaves. I hope she will be ok there.—We are planning on keeping in touch, and, hopefully, she’ll be able to spend a little time with me over the summer.