Tuesday, November 01, 2005

happy birthday, tyler.

this is my brother. today is his birthday. i just remembered this a couple of hours ago, but that is o.k. because he does not know it is his birthday. he has cerebral palsy. he's non-communicative (traditionally speaking, that is) and he lives in dallas, so i can't just call him up or send him a letter that he will know is from me. Few things in life have confused me so much as being "the o.k. one." "Survivor's guilt for a disabled or sick sibling can be truly unbelievable; at least it is not unbearable anymore, though. i try to remember that god is probably smarter than me, and that for me to walk around miserable and feeling sorry for my brother means that i assume i have something that he does not...which is pretty presumptuous. i can only hope that the secret universe inside his head is bright and wonderful beyond the limitations of the tangible world that i reside in.

solitude, i guess.


I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers. ~Henry David Thoreau, "Solitude," Walden, 1854

Inside myself is a place where I live all alone, and that's where I renew my springs that never dry up. ~Pearl Buck



full circle...well, kind of

in an effort to be less cranky, i'm trying to focus on things that make me uncranky...such as quotes and lists...while i drink coffee, no less.


It is strange what a contempt men have for the joys that are offered them freely. ~Georges Duhamel


a joy in my life that is free:
relationships

you know how AA talks about the "higher power?" i believe that there is a higher power to be found in all the relationships in the world...when i have coffee with a friend or even stop to talk to an acquaintance, my feeling is that "god" can be found in that interaction. wow, am i flakey or WHAT?!

To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring. ~George Santayana


gratitude for a "changing of seasons" in my life:
i am a compulsive...planner. planning helps me feel in control of my future. i think it stems from growing up with alcoholism in my home...you never know what's going to happen next, so you plan for all that you can, and then you have something you can count on. something i've been working on is stepping back from my situation and from my planning so that i could enjoy the surprises in life that would have otherwise been hidden to my peripheral vision...so, i'm grateful for that--for this time in my life where lots and lots of my plans have fallen through, failed, whatever...it is a season of change, for sure, although i'm really not as grateful for it as i would like. it's easy to get consumed, you know.--in society, goals...

gratitude for the changing of seasons, literally speaking: the TREES are SO pretty right now! red and orange and yellow EVERYWHERE.