3/30: Playing it small?

morning coffee spot two: ghettoasis trash waterfall ambience + coffee + books

"There is no passion to be found playing small- in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living...And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."         -Nelson Mandela, '93 Nobel Peace Prize Speech

Something I can thank Alanon for is the filling in of many of the gaps in my spirituality so that I have the faith to wait for answers to appear spontaneously, unfolding in perfect time.  Earlier today, an answer revealed itself regarding a relationship in my life which has changed.   It occurred to me at once how I often played it small in an attempt to keep the boat steady.  And isn't it usually about fear?  I read a quote recently about change being scary because we know what we're giving up, but we don't know what we're getting.  

A catalyst for my mini-realization seemed to be reading a truly beautiful, inspirational blog entry of a friend of mine:

"Hear ye, hear ye, I’ve resigned my sovereign reign over tiny kingdoms, no longer bound by my own self-imprisonment. With nothing left to numb me, got me  thinking/wondering – Am I even still the same me? I know this is true: I feel full and I fully feel."

I've denied the magnificence of the universe, the collective, infinite, source, God, many times to impose the will of my tiniest self, of my tiny kingdom.  Our smallest selves will take what we can get, because we have a sense of poverty.  Our infinite selves know that poverty is an illusion, and so is net loss.  Our infinite selves have permission to shine brightly and unapologetically, and to be the first one in the room to light up, if need be; isn't it true that that high vibration consciousness is contagious anyways?  "We give others permission to do the same."

Today, I am grateful for feeling full and fully feeling.

feel.

I know. Lots of quotes lately. And lots of not being here. I have been input rather than output as of late; no apologies, of course, as we follow our impulses as our life's treasure map.

You wait until I tell you how much is changing; it's literally (expletive) unbelievable. Of course, I am not telling it today. :)

I cannot describe what has been happening to me (and I believe to B, too, although I will have to tell you about that later), as in the synchronicities, vividly clear "messages" from the universe, or rather, vividly clear decisions to make. Everything is so, so clear and beautiful; I realize I sound like I'm holding a giant hookah, however have seldom meant something more than this.

I tend to believe that this fresh mental and emotional spaciousness, clarity, arises from practicing transcendental meditation for the past five months; as in perhaps it has given mental spaciousness to unblock parts of myself which were impeding living a more authentic life...more authentically aligned with my soul's desires/purposes. I truly believe that our bliss, our hearts desires, are our compass from the universe toward our most authentic and fulfilled life.

Our prefrontal lobe, our planning brain, is often merely in the way; yet, oh, the many ways I've given this sterile driver the wheel. I mean, it drives safely and pragmatically enough.; however, it seems to regularly misunderstand and limit the vehicle in which it navigates. I think of it like driving a Taurus, quite exceptionally, working so diligently to rock out this Taurus. The often unrealized irony is that while you were thinking so diligently, carefully controlling each nuance of the gas pedal, the break and perhaps the gears, you failed to notice you haven't been in a Taurus at all, but in the Batmobile...or a spaceship.

I will speak about the changes very soon. It's pretty unbelievable. I've never probably felt more alive or sure of things or open or peaceful. Having said that, there is a part of me that is just afraid out of my mind. And that is my intention for this stage of my life, in a way...Feel the anxiety, the fears of truly living a non-sedated life. Be comfortable uncertainty, tolerate discomfort, especially the discomfort of not knowing. Be open. Let go of ego. Remember one of the most important universal truths I've come to deeply believe as of late: Ego is never personal; love always is. I know it to be true deep in my core, and when I let that truth be my veil in the world, everything wonderful comes to me somehow, esp as it pertains to my relationships with others. The sanity in others, the compassion which is their true essence, arises when one does not react to ego, knowing it is not personal...and finds the morsels, however small, of compassion, taking them in like the carefully wrapped gift that they are in their essence. But, the fear? Yeah, I feel it. Sometimes, at least. Sometimes, I find ways to avoid it. These words, by Pema Chodron, are such a poignantly apt description of where it is that I am right now, and where it is that I am going. Peace.

Impermanence becomes vivid in the present moment; so do compassion and wonder and courage. And so does fear. In fact, anyone who stands on the edge of the unknown, fully in the present, without a reference point, experiences groundlessness. That's when our understanding goes deeper, when we find that the present moment is a pretty vulnerable place and that this can be completely unnerving and completely tender at the same time.

What we're talking about is getting to know fear, becoming familiar with fear, looking it right in the eye -- not as a way to solve problems, but as a complete undoing of old ways of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and thinking. The truth is that when we really begin to do this, we're going to be continually humbled. Fear is a natural reaction of moving closer to the truth. If we commit ourselves to staying right where we are, then our experience becomes very vivid. Things become very clear when there in nowhere to escape.

you can check out any time you want, but you can never leave

Obviously, this is a picture of the land bridge that (probably?) connected Asia to North America. Before some glacier melting. Obviously.

It's Christmas break. I've been a blogging L to the oser. I can't find my camera. Still. If I happen to unpack that particular box soon, I'll take some pictures and actually be a blogger again. At least sort of. I need my camera, because I'm flat out of words. It's quite the mystery for someone who can be, er, a little bit wordy. I've been meditating super regularly, for 20-30 minutes a day. Is that where my words are going? Was writing my way of working through things or just organizing the thoughts, and meditating has taken it's place?

I'm feeling list-y, so...
1. It's Christmas break. We're working on our house. Hoping to: Finish painting kitchen (kitchy blue/white with pretty little anthropologie pulls I've yet to decide on), paint dining, hall, living room; finish working on this great old trunk I got (thanks Katrina!); work on our trail down to the creek; work on our back yard, trim some bushes, rake some leaves. This is my life now. I like it!
2. Speaking of, we are still loving our hood and our little house more and more. Thursday, we had a bunch of out-of-town relatives over, and my dad's family. B made spinach lasagna for nine people! So. Good.
3. B's dad is coming next week to help build a deck off of our (teeny) tiny sun room. I'm super excited. I get to hang out with B's mom, who likes to relax and have long conversations as much as I do!
4. We've gotten to know some neighbors a little more...or, more of them a little, really. We have almost all really fun and nice ones! I think we are still both a little shocked that we can actually see ourselves feeling totally at home in Dallas after secretly loathing it so much. Oak Cliff is where a lot of those people who you thought didn't live in Dallas and were missing have been! LOVE it!! Diverse. Real. Eclectic. Lots of funky restaurants, shops, taquerias (sp?), etc.
5. We went to KS during Thanksgiving. A new generation is kind of starting to form, with my generation of "kids" in the family starting to have babies. It's such a fun time, and we have all good babies! Hopefully, when B and I procreate, we won't be the ones to break that trend. Even though I am loving it here now, I really wish I had more time with the cousins (and cousin-aged aunts) that I grew up with.
6. There is a giant fire in our fireplace. Smells good!
7. You tube has made it possible for me to find that I have a nerdy love (passion?) for daytime t.v. Seriously, it's my last year in my 20's, and this is where I find myself. I seriously cannot wait to get home and see what happened on The View or Ellen. Okay, The View AND Ellen. Maybe it's a phase?
8. We joined a gym near our house. So, basically I'm skinnier and stronger already. Or, not, but at least I'm thinking about it. We still have a Bally's membership, &*#$ them to #%@@. It's like hotel california, joining that place.
9. Going to see the Nutcracker ballet on Christmas Eve. So excited.

i'm a loser baby

House appraised for the right amount. Yay! We can stop holding our breath now. Kind of. 3 weeks to closing. Don't ask us to dinner, unless you are buying.

Now, we are asking if the appraiser could justify an even higher appraisal, so we could have some help with downpayment...We are getting in right now with 6k, but that is SO painful. We are po'! We are eager to take the loser way out and finance a little of that right in. Yes, we know that that might make Suzie Orman or Rich Dad judge us, but it will lower our anxiety about adjusting to a mortgage and all the crap that can go wrong. So it's worth it.

But anyways, yay.

I've been scouting pets on petfinder.com now that we're going to have a yard. B is luke warm only on this, but I'm always the one who talks him into pets. And then he can't imagine not sharing our lives with them. And then, as if to give me the finger, they often end up liking him the most!

This time, we're getting a girl.

Phoebe-ish update: As encouraged by my ayurveda doctor, I put out an intention to find the right meditation right for me and "waited for the universe to respond." And, as I'm coming to expect, the universe DID! An old friend from KS wrote me to tell me about "zero point field" meditation, which she's getting very into. And in NYC, a cab driver who took me to the airport actually was a Buddhist Monk. He said he had met the author of my favorite Buddhist writing, "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying." Wow. He went on to tell me that he really hoped I'd look into "emptiness meditation." Wow, wow, wow. I am loving just following my bliss, putting out intentions, and waiting for the universe to respond. It is a new kind of faith for me. Regarding all the funky meditations: I think I just like sitting. Is that okay?

it's noonish

Preston is sprawled out, half asleep in front of the door, probably in case B comes home. Sam is looking especially disheveled today, sleeping heavily on the couch as usua,l with all four legs straight out as if in casts. B is playing tennis and then reading at Starbucks. I'm drinking tea. And writing you.

Second day of juice fasting. I woke up and did a mini yoga/breathing thing, and then poured a pot of tea from fancy pants dechlorinated hot water thingy (pictured above). I have one in my classroom, too, so I can be a tea nerd all day long. B and I originally were originally doing a 1 day juice fast, something we had studied in ayurveda that's supposed to kind of reset your digestion and hunger cycles. During the fast, we both found ourselves pretty intrigued and decided to do it today, too. Most, I am intrigued with fasting as a way to "sit with" various thoughts and emotions. Anyone who knows me well knows I am truly passionate about food. Surely, I always will be, but I'd like to use it (and other things, like the internet, for example) less as a distraction from whatever thoughts are bouncing around in my head. Then, I know I'm passionate about the cheesecake and not just what the cheesecake is helping me not to think about (which is usually something benign like work, anyways).

Other than occassional grumpies, the only problem I've had so far is headaches. Especially sinus headaches. Oh. My. God. I am talking about sinus headaches, here. The way it comes and goes is the weird part. Is this movement? Is this a good thing? I finally took 4 ibprofin last night because I just could not believe it, although I was a little worried about taking medicine on a fast. Any underlying hypochondriac tendencies were in full swing, let me tell ya, and I thought maybe I should break the fast to avert certain (painful, slow) death. In the end, it passed. And returned. And passed. I wonder if this is my body getting rid of a sinus infection, and that the movement just causes pain...

For like 8 months on and off, I've had this very frustrating health mini-crisis of having a low fever on and off and inflamed glands/nodes...some sinus symptoms, but really the issue has just been the discomfort of all of that inflammation and just the aches of having a low fever....went through 3 rounds of antibiotics earlier this year which did nothing, so the (minimally to moderately trusted) dr said it must be some kind of viral thing, maybe mono or something like it that likes to last forever...Bah. Western medicine. Or, maybe it's not the medicine, but the hurried system under which some doctors have to operate...I feel like going to the doctor is pointless, because there is so little discourse, or cognition whatsoever for that matter. Especially after watching B bust his ever lovin' moneymaker through medical school, I can't imagine him turning to a thoughtless repetitive cycle of prescribing antibiotics after antibiotics...but, either because of complacency or just pressure under a system, I know we've all been through that with doctors.

Enter integrative medicine. Saturday, baby. My appointment with western trained dr, also trained in ayurveda, also a cranial-sacral osteopath. Let the "ness" quest begin.

In other news, B and I are looking at condos/houses. I know. I think my whining was evidence of a critical mass that ended up with me realizing that it's not about where we are as much as who we are. That doesn't mean that we'll always be here, but we are now and it's okay to put down some roots. If you know me well, you may know that roots freak me out a little, but not for any good reasons. Anyways, we can't afford a lot, especially since a bank will not recognize B's student loan income (which then cuts our annual income in half), but we are having so much fun looking and imagining. If you want to bring a house warming gift, you can find us in the ghetto. We haven't decided whether we want to be bloods or crips. Suggestions?

just finished:

Not to be categorized into new phenomenon of dog-lovers books genre. This is MUCH more.

Art. Beautiful. Maybe the best book I have ever loved. This morning, I had no idea it existed; it caught by eye at Starbucks, and I finished it shortly before midnight, teary and vowing to never love another book as much. Intelligence. Brilliance. Beautiful prose. Pages that turn themselves so fast my eyes could barely keep up.

Enzo, the narrator, is a dog/philosopher sure he is soon to be reincarnated as a human. He has an affection for smells, going fast, opposable thumbs and his human best friend, Denny.

"Your car goes where your eyes go." -Enzo

"Give me my thumbs, you ****ing monkeys." -Enzo

ophelia

My new favorite (always changing) musician is all around general bad-ass India Aire. If you like the message of Maya Angelou's poetic words, you might really like this. Her lyrics are absolutely spiritual...medicine for the collective soul of our culture. A message of female empowerment--that it's okay to 'just be.' I want to play it all day into the ears of American young ladies, young girls go though so much- and women, too, for that matter. Our souls are damaged, clouded by the unforgiving way our culture judges our bodies. I say I don't buy into the aesthetic pressures Western culture puts on women, the microderm abrasion, name brand clothers, but the fact is, I do...So, what I'm saying is that these lyrics- all of her lyrics- are good for my soul. I encourage anyone who hasn't to download some India. Need some help choosing? Try: I Choose, There's Hope, I Am Not My Hair, Wings of Forgiveness)

India Aire - Video Lyrics


Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won't
Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie

When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be
And I know our creator didn't make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes; I'm lovin' what I see

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the
india arie

Am I less of a lady if I don't wear pantyhose?
My mama said a lady ain't what she wears but, what she knows
But, I've drawn a conclusion, it's all an illusion, confusion's the name of the
game
A misconception, a vast deception
Something's gotta change
but,Don't be offended this is all my opinion
ain't nothing that I'm sayin law
This is a true confession of a life learned lesson I was sent here to share with
y'all
So get in where you fit in go on and shine
Clear your mind, now's the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
'Cuz everything's gonna be all right

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie

Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks
I don't need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive car and your caviar
All I need is my guitar
Keep your Kristal and your pistol
I'd rather have a pretty piece of crystal
Don't need your silicone I prefer my own
What God gave me is just fine

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be india arie

creating reality.

interesting. kind of buddhist, i think.


Drawn With Lines

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feeling empty.

...or, rather, being empty. Science tells us matter is 99.99 percent emptiness.

I study about 30 min. every morning, somehow devoted to my spiritual growth. It's something I've been doing for myself for quite awhile. This morning, I watch Deepak Chopra's "How to Know God." It blows my mind almost as much as "What the Bleep Do We Know." Quantum Physics, if you haven't explored it, will rock your world. The most crazy thing is that the findings so closely echo many of the mainstays of Buddhism...emptiness...impermanence...the world as an illusion...

People who have studied Buddhism know it is more of a practice than a religion...It's a set of steps toward "knowing truth," they say...I wonder, were these early Buddhas (fully awakened persons) simply able to intuit something we will someday all know as science??

seems like...

...the sky is grey...with pockets of blue, but grey all the same. Today, the weather mimed my perspective, or is it the other way around?...Moments of clarity with storms coming and going, always looking for that elusive blue emergence, knowing, or at least thinking I know it is there...Not the changes of my circumstance, but the changes in my perspective...that is the true reality, right? I know the sky is always there, I know that. I wish I always "got it," every moment, though. Maybe THAT is what being awake is...

. Seems that life's events are merely the paint brushes; they barely matter at all in this transient, impermanent existence...so, I could paint stormy clouds with my day...or, a sunset...or, an ocean...a mountain. a smile.

My painting, my self, is a work in progress.

Peace.

the sky was always there.

In Buddhist writings, they use the analogy of the sky and the clouds. On some days clouds cover all the sky in our field of vision...and we may say, "Today, it is grey outside," or "Today, it is cloudy."

Yet, today is actually blue, like yesterday. Like tomorrow. Like every day. They are all blue, because the sky is blue and the sky is always there.

The sky, our true mind. The clouds, the innumerous life-destractions, which are, of course, illusions. May I let go of all of the silly illusions I ruminate over, all of the precious time wasted by failing to acknowledge the unchangeable, the good. ..the choices I've made to perceive the sky as grey instead of altering my perception towards truth.

May I recognize the truth in others...I am no better or worse than any other transient being. No one is not worth knowing. No one is too good to know.

May I access the ocean of compassion that is available to all of us to give the gift of compassion when I say things like, "I have nothing left to give." May there always be something to give.



...Am I teaching next year?

yes.


...Do I enjoy every day these days?

yes.

...Really, EVERY day??

no, I lied a little. but, almost.


I perceived the sky instead of the clouds, and things just changed.

jesus is just all right with me...really!

It may sound a little cliche, but the book "Tuesdays With Morrie" really did change my life. (If it weren't for "Night," by Elie Wiesel, I might have to call it my favorite book of all...but nothing touches "Night." )

What I learned from Morrie is that there is value to be found in setting my goals/plans aside so that I notice the unplanned in life...In our culture, we are not expected to question the value of being uber-goal-oriented. We move so quickly. We are drinking our meals now. Is it true that pb&j's now come FROZEN with the crust already removed?! The heck? What have we gained? What are we running toward? I have heard it said that our culture is moving toward a collective clinical insanity. We're running so hard, and burning bridges along the way...with eachother, our spirits, the earth...I know, I sound like a greeting card, but really!

Believe it or not, I was a very, very deeply religious child and young teenager. My grandma took me to church every Sunday. At first, I loved the wintergreen gum and droping a quarter in the collection plate. Later, I got pretty into it. Have you seen "Jesus Camp?" I'm talking a super fundy, here. I think I got "saved" at the alter at least three times, and once it was at an event where there were actually fireworks! Woo Hoo! I remember pastors asking people to keep their hands raised if they were saved, and then we would go talk about our numbers much like the stock-market. "Oh my heavans, the Assembly of God church on 4th Street had 45 saved this week! We only had 15!" I began to wonder about this whole thing.

There I was in spirtual, er, crisis.

So, I asked my Dr. for some Zoloft to help me deal with my spiritual crisis. I was 17 at the time. He said to me,
"Now... what?"

"I'm depressed b/c I don't think I believe in Christianity, and that's my whole life."

"Do you believe in anything?"

"Er, I don't know."

"Do you think that God made nature?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Well, why don't you try praying to that God, then. You're 17, and your medical card will run out soon."

"Oh, okay."


and so it began...it really was a fun road, without all those rules....

Inspite of my pursuit to wash the bad taste that that particular flavor of religion has left in my mouth, I'm finding myself looking into the words of Jesus, whose words I've come to believe are the most misunderstood words ever spoken. I don't usually identify with most Christians; however, I'm reading a book, "The Complete Jesus," which is a compilation of Jesus' words from a variety of sources. The true, non jacked-with and manipulated teachings of Jesus are absolutely beautiful...Mahatma Ghandi said, "I like your Christ, but I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ." Dang, that Ghandi was smart. Right-o Ghandi. Right-o Dooby Brothers. Apparently, Jesus is just all-right with me too.

of mandalas & men. (tibetan monks, that is)

A Series of Awkward Moments: "BlogThis"

hello little blogger friends...I'm back! You know me, falling off of the face of the earth every now and then...but, I always come back. I could never leave you, oh no. The world of three jobs has been treating me a little roughly, so I've not been in an updating place. Of course, I'm also taking classes-- not sure if I'll ever be able to shake that little addiction.

I've just quit my job in the ed. dept. of the zoo, though...I will miss doing community presentations and teaching rug rats how to recycle, but it as it turns out, I'm not really into animals in cages. Or really, I'm just not sure how I feel about it. Zoos really might be our best conservation hope; I might (probably) will change my mind. For now, I think I'm a little more PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals...I know, Don't judge me!) than AZA (American Zoological & Aquarium Assoc.). So, I'm a less busy lady, which is nice...because I've been doing some extra reading up on Buddhism, and I'd like to do some more-- I have been interested in Buddhism as a way of life (not so much as a religion) for awhile, but I recently had the opportunity to see Tibetan monks create a mandala installation (which I think may end up being the inspiration for my first ever tattoo!)...watching them meditate and chant was moving in a way that I don't think I can put words to...You know, maybe it was my expected perception, but it seemed that the spirit of mindfulness and meditation actually gave the room this energy you could almost touch.

I'm now reading a book written by a Buddhist monk: "Working With Anger." A supervisor at my Peace and Justice job gave it to me when I found myself perplexed over what I perceive to be a spirit of anger within today's peace movement...The ironic thing is that in reading this book, I've found so much anger and discontent in myself that I would never have guessed is there...I think people might be surprised where they'll find anger and discontent in their psyche...for me, I think there is a fear of being judged, and a need to be well-thought of. love me! love me! :)

Speaking of being well thought-of, wish me luck, because I have some interviews coming up in a couple of weeks...Unfortunately, there aren't a ton of progressive political organizing positions in the brightest of bright red Dallas, but there are a couple. I'm looking at an environmental campaign and a national organization called ACORN. I'm hoping it will bode well for me that I do organizing for a peace & justice group now (albeit part-time...grassroots, dang-it!). How I wish that I could live near Mia and work for my all time favorite organization (well, right now), Global Exchange!!

I've surely mentioned that I'm hoping to go on a trip w/ Global Exchange this summer, to Nicaragua. This is why I serve up big slabs of meat and fries on the weekends these days. On these trips, you visit sweatshops, the infamous free trade zones, non-fair trade coffee plantations and then fair trade coffee plantations...I'm excited to put some faces to the sweatshop/fair trade campaigns I've been involved in. I've worked on some fair wage stuff here, and I'm currently working on a pretty big (for me) undertaking in promoting fair trade and environtmentally conscious consumerism here, which is the height of fun. Okay, not the height....but, it is fun....

This brings me back to Buddhism, because I think I'm attached to my identity as "helper"...of course, that's consistent with my values, but what if no one ever knew that I did any of this stuff? Would I feel as good about myself, or do I secretly need the stamp of approval? I remember when a person who I ended up becoming close with first met me and made some assumptions about me...I was so offended by her judgement of me, because i think I'm attached to my identity as a survivor, and for her not to perceive me in that way was threatening to me...attachments...attachments...attachment to ego is an interesting idea, isn't?

Sorry for the incomplete thought, but it's super late. I've been putting off going to bed b/c my husband's 24-7 MCAT studies have put him WAY under the weather...and I don't want what he's got.

Quote for today:

"There is more to life than increasing its speed."
-Mahatma Gandhi