After 7 years, I moved. You're invited. (schmoments.blogspot.com)

building stairs @ deep ellum

Well, I guess this is goodbye.  And hello.

I began this blog in 2004 as a way to track my fitness.  You guys surprised the shit out of me by becoming, instead, one of the most important tools in my spiritual development.  We became for reals friends.  We rode out illnesses, marriages, divorces, babies, deaths and spiritual awakenings.  We became friends outside of the blogging world.  We sent each other real live mail.  Texts.  Calls.  Facebook messages.  I wrote for you sometimes.  And I know that sometimes, you wrote for me.

I was like a hungry caterpillar who didn't know she was hungry, and you spiritually fed me.  I ate.  I grew.  You fed me.  I grew.  I fully believed I was on my way to become the best caterpillar I could be.

In something like 2009, though if I really consider it, probably years earlier, a cocoon began to form around me.  Instead of comforting and safe, it felt terrifying and bleak.

I became very ill for about two years.  From lab work and MRI's, dr's could see some stuff was really wrong, but no one seemed to know why or how to make it better.  Most of the details so took over my existence that I never want to discuss them again; the worst of it was that for awhile, I I couldn't even take my students on field trips, drive or stay alone.   B was my rock.  He took care of me when I could not take care of myself, which was most of the time.  I was so dependent on him that I would have nightmares of something happening to him.

When I happened to be at my worst physically, his sweet mom called us to say she had non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.  And it was Stage 4.  It was time for B to take care of someone else.

When he went to KC to care for his mom during her first treatment, we flew my own mom in to help take care of me.  She complained of abdominal pains.

About six weeks later, she appears to be 7 months pregnant.  A cancerous tumor has rapidly grown on her ovary, they tell us.  Turns out, it is also non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.  Two moms in two months. They feel it is inoperable.

I email my truly amazing therapist of seven years to draw support.  So much of my life had been changed because of her, but like my relationship to B, I suspected I was probably overly dependent.  In fact, when I moved to Dallas, I panicked about my inability to leave her.  I begged her to continue our sessions via Skype, which we did. This time,  return correspondence includes that she has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and will no longer be seeing patients.  "I'm sorry that you are being hit with three cancers," she said.  "I want you to know that you're very special to me."  

I always thought there was something secretly spiritual lingering beneath the professional relationship between a therapist and client.  

She later died.

My caterpillar body, life as I knew it, seemed to be dissolving.

Desperate, I bought an 800 dollar juicer and began pretty religiously following Gerson Therapy.  I began to finally gain strength physically as I watched other parts of my life slip away.

Reaching for any access to inner strength, I paid what felt like a gazillion dollars to learn Transcendental Meditation.  B went as well.

Many amazing things happened after this.  Both of our moms went into remission.  I got better, physically, little by little.  I even lost about sixty pounds.  I seemed to find my body's recipe for happiness; most importantly, I learned that what she says goes, no questions.  Oddly, for Bruce and I, meditating was the beginning of the end.  Maybe the old us' didn't have the sense of infinity to let go of what needed to be released?

The relationship was easy to release at first; the unbearable parts came later, when I realized how long he had been miserable, waiting for me to push the Eject button.  B and I had been like two friends who picked one another from the Catalog Of Intellectually Defendable Decisions to be life partners.  We realized that as far as love goes, that catalog sucks.

Another version of me, shed.  Am I the same person, I wondered?  Am I who I planned to be at all?  Am I the same chick who had a soon-to-be doctor husband and a baby plan? 

broken open @ deep ellum

I have no plan.

I'm a chick who busted out of a cocoon. I don't know what's next, but I know it will be perfect for whatever it is.  I'll be here: schmoments.blogspot.com

Namaste,
Faye

3/30: Playing it small?

morning coffee spot two: ghettoasis trash waterfall ambience + coffee + books

"There is no passion to be found playing small- in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living...And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."         -Nelson Mandela, '93 Nobel Peace Prize Speech

Something I can thank Alanon for is the filling in of many of the gaps in my spirituality so that I have the faith to wait for answers to appear spontaneously, unfolding in perfect time.  Earlier today, an answer revealed itself regarding a relationship in my life which has changed.   It occurred to me at once how I often played it small in an attempt to keep the boat steady.  And isn't it usually about fear?  I read a quote recently about change being scary because we know what we're giving up, but we don't know what we're getting.  

A catalyst for my mini-realization seemed to be reading a truly beautiful, inspirational blog entry of a friend of mine:

"Hear ye, hear ye, I’ve resigned my sovereign reign over tiny kingdoms, no longer bound by my own self-imprisonment. With nothing left to numb me, got me  thinking/wondering – Am I even still the same me? I know this is true: I feel full and I fully feel."

I've denied the magnificence of the universe, the collective, infinite, source, God, many times to impose the will of my tiniest self, of my tiny kingdom.  Our smallest selves will take what we can get, because we have a sense of poverty.  Our infinite selves know that poverty is an illusion, and so is net loss.  Our infinite selves have permission to shine brightly and unapologetically, and to be the first one in the room to light up, if need be; isn't it true that that high vibration consciousness is contagious anyways?  "We give others permission to do the same."

Today, I am grateful for feeling full and fully feeling.

leaning

I am leaning, and I don't know into what.

I used to see my whole future- the entire thing. I knew all of the boxes of which I would be checking, I knew them by heart; I had been planning them for years. I wrapped these plans carefully and clung to them white knuckled, riding out the lonely times of my past on these childhood dreams. I wouldn't repeat those mistakes- ever. I wouldn't lose my footing for love- ever. I wouldn't be vulnerable like that- ever.

And there I was, vulnerable anyways.

That crystal ball? Rouse. Selecting the details of my life carefully out of a catalog? Limiting. Vulnerable? Oh yes- this whole time. A newish feeling for someone like me to actually feel, though vulnerable I've always been. I find it to be paradoxical in nature, like a black and white drawing. Black defines white. White defines black. Vulnerability defines living. Living defines vulnerability. B is moving today, and it is a step forward. Seven years of looking for Home with one another, and we are off to separate houses. It's not so much that he is moving that makes me shake; the fear is in what comes next, a different kind of life. So far, it seems my objective had been to avoid pain...

Leaning. Into my bliss? Yes, but I can only see the very next step in this game. I have no boxes to check off, and I don't know where I'm going. God, I can actually feel it, through my chest, my stomach. It's raining, and I can't see ahead of me, but I smell something like spring, and I think I'll stick around for the new life, for the harvest. How long have I been swimming upstream, I wonder? Tired, yes. Will it be liberating to let go, to let the currents take me? Will it be terrifying? Will I get hurt? What will I find?

"Well," said Pooh, "we keep looking for Home and not finding it, so I thought that if we looked for this Pit, we'd be sure not to find it, which would be a Good Thing, because then we might find something that we weren't looking for, which might be just what we were looking for, really." -quoted from The Tao of Pooh

The one in which she pees her pants. Really.

Our new gazebo thingy + patio furniture + three dogs

My lot in life seems to be humility.  For example, ask me how I know this:  If you have to pee, and then you pass out, you will pee on yourself while you are passed out.  

A couple of weeks ago, I was getting some tests done.  I meditated that morning, so I felt uber zen.  Even when I set in the blood taker chair,  I thought, "This is where I am.  I want to be present for it."  So, I went into the feeling of slight anxiety I had, and as usual, that made it go away.  Might as well look at the needle, I thought, if I'm really going to be present.  

Then I felt tingly.  The last thing I remember is this phebotomist lady (think Aunt Jemima) ordering me, "you better not pass out, because I'm not picking me up off the floor."  

I left the lab that day, my own personal walk of shame, with a phlemobomist coat wrapped around my waste and a look from several people in the waiting room that said, "Was that the only chair?"

Ah, a day in the life.

In other news, today I went to get a brain MRI.  It was my first needle since you know what.  Same building.  I got through the no contrast part fine, easy peasy.  Before they even touched the needle to my arm for the freaky injection of metal dye, I knew the game was over and I was on my way out.  I think my mind made me do it; it's like becoming Miss Pee Pants gave me a phobia, so now I'll pass out regardless!  Anyways, they told me to come back later and take some of their chewable xanax and that I should be fine.  

We're both super excited about nerdy stuff like our patio furniture and gazebo thing.  The creek comes with an army of mosquitos.  Now, we have our own little plan, muah ha ha.

Oh, yesterday my cat jumped up and knocked down my cup of tea onto my computer.  So, I got a new one.  Sad to lose my old computer, but I knew it's days were numbered anyways.  I'm really loving my new Mac-- I got the "green" one, because well, I haven't set up my recycling.  So, now when my hip, liberal environmentalist (as I proclaim to be, except for hip) neighbors notice I never take my recycle bin out to the curb, I can flash them my super green macbook.  

The one in which she has two comments and a question.

Comment number one: 

Yesterday, we purchased tickets to Amsterdam/Paris.  Yes, Amsterdam & Paris!  Me!  This will be my 2nd international trip; I suspect I love to travel.  There will be much walking, coffee, wine, cheese and pastries. And coffee. And pastries.  And pastries.  In eight weeks, we depart.   Of course, I have to lose 10 pounds before we go so I can gain 10 pounds when we are there, thus breaking even. In sort of a fat way, que sera, sera. 

We're going to Amsterdam first. Basic plan there: Ride a bike, drink a crapload of coffee next to the beautiful canals, soak up old-world charm, experience the canals from a boat ride, somehow try to handle the emotional overload it will be to walk through Anne Frank's secret opening bookcase, to stand in Van Gogh's museum, to be inside Rembrant's room. 

Then, a four hour train ride to Paris. 

Ah, Paris.  We'll be there a little longer.  We are buying a book, 24 Walking Tours of Paris; of the travel books we have reviewed, it seems to capture the essence of "soaking up" a place rather than rushing through an exhausting number of sights.  

Of course, I plan to see some key pieces at the Lourve; more importantly, however, I look forward to seeing up close much of the artwork I have studied in all of my art courses.  The place for this is the Musee D'orsay.   I cannot imagine what that will feel like.  Other than this, yes, I'd like to see the biggies, but I want to soak up the place more than anything.  When I sink into my soul's desires, I find that I'm not as much of a sight seer as a soaker-upper.  Take some pictures.  Read.  Write.  Sip.  Watch.  Soak.

And did you notice the 'we' that I speak of? Yes, B is coming with me!  For something like Europe, of course I would have liked for Bruce to go, given the amount of money in our bank account means we haven't done stuff  like this a lot (once!).  It had appeared we would not have common vacation for a year; luckily,  B was able to work it out. 

As more saavy travelers may already know, it was the SAME price to take B and go during spring break together that it was for me to go in the summer alone. So, if you're thinking of traveling, I am telling you that you can fly into Amsterdam and out of Paris (with a DIRECT flight into DFW, if you are a neighbor!) for under $700. Under $700! 

I am looking forward to sharing my first trip to Europe with Bruce, who lived in France for a little while and who also speaks French! 

As for my little solo travel bug, I will scratch this itch at a later date. I'm thinking of either going to NYC for a weekend and seeing Billy Elliot on Broadway, or to San Francisco, or to Chicago, or somewhere in Florida to watch birds (loser, I know).  I'd really like to go to LA and see Ellen. I love Ellen to pieces; But, I don't know if I want to dance in the crowd without a buddy.  Do you want to go with me?

Comment number two: 

For a few years, I've been eying digital SLR cameras. I've watched them come down in price as I've realized how much I like taking pictures. The camera I've had for years is great, however the shutter speed should be called the shutter ohmygodhowcanyoubesoslow. I love it, though for what it is. I thought I might enjoy taking pictures, and this camera showed me that I was right. Eva at girly-bits.com summarizes my feelings on photography so perfectly here. She's right, for those of us who love the arts but are not, well, fabulous painters or composers or architects, photographer is the great equalizer. It is not too hard to both love the process and also to get some satisfaction out of the product.  Eva, like several of the other bloggers I frequent, is a fabulous photographer. 

Product aside, photography is the consciousness maker. I love the idea of framing every piece of the universe in it's best light, of slowing down and capturing the details of a moment. It beckons presence, which can be slow to manifest in real time. :)

I purchased the Nikon D40. But, now I'm thinking I should switch to the Canon Rebel (the 2008 one).  People seem to think Canons often have better lenses.  Also, the camera itself has the "live view," so one can look through the LCD and not only the view finder.  Mark of a novice to want that, I hear,  but I'm not sure I'm ready to let it go completely.  Right now, I am like a baby deer, trying to figure out what all of the acronyms stand for and how to make things not fuzzy.  I suspect (hope) the learning curve is a steep one.

And a Question: 

I've been knitting.  I like it!  But after I work on a piece, I always feel compelled to unravel it and start over.  It progressed to a premeditated act: "Ooh, I should sit down and knit something and then take it apart."  

Why is that?

get your motor runnin,' head out on the highway

I've been doing my best thinking. And I'm thinking it might be time for another solo vacation. Philadelphia this summer taught me that there is something liberating and romantic-y about traveling alone. I've done some research, and people say Amsterdam is a great place for a woman traveling alone. I've always loved Van Gogh and Anne Frank; what the heck? It also seems to have what I love about a great city...Ambiance! I like a place to walk around, get lost in, soak up. A sight or two is good for me. I'm more about the ambiance. So, Amsterdam. Super walkable, lots of English speaking going on, mid-priced hotels with decent reviews, not a bad plane ticket.

Then, I look up exactly where Amsterdam is because I'm American, making my world geography borderline sketchy. It's only a 4 hour train ride from Paris. I can't be that close to the Louvre and not go! (Especially after Lori's fab Paris post!) And, it seems I can afford about two days of mid-priced hotels in Paris. So, B and I put our heads together (By the way, we don't have any full weeks together for at least another year, or I'd invite him to this one bc it's awesome! But don't feel too sorry for him, he's spent a week in Paris and a SEMESTER in France!). In my budget (summer school teaching money, of course!), I could: fly to Paris, spend two nights soaking that up. Check out at least two or three sights, but mostly sit at cafes! Then, take the train to Amsterdam. Stay 3 or 4 nights at cute little hotel with great reviews, walk around forever. Stare at Van Gogh's work, soak up Anne Frank's beautiful energy...Go home.

But then I also thought: OR, I could just not teach summer school and have a STAYcation right here at home. I love staycations. Sometimes, a lack of schedule leaves me a little unmotivated, though. Hmmm....I have about 1 week to decide, because I think I'll buy my ticket the 1st week in Jan. Fish or cut bait, right? These are tough decisions. It's a hard knock life, Daddy Warbucks.

oasis in the ghetto

Here is a camera phone picture of B sitting on top of the dam in our back yard. We finally made the trek all the way down there. It is WAY down, and covered with ivy. And spider webs. Yes, big spiders in their shiny, dewy webs. I grew a little today. When we got to the bottom, we just loved seeing the creek close up. There are fish and everything! I don't mean to be flaky, but do you remember when I started saying that I just wanted to be surrounded by nature preserve-y-ness? Then, I accepted where I was and decided, "bloom where you are planted." I began to feel (force at first) gratitude for the parts of Dallas that do happen to jive with me (like Oak Cliff, the school I teach at, that I found out we have the largest urban hardwood forest in the nation...) From setting that intention to be surrounded in nature, though, everything just fast tracked, and now here we are. We are in the shadow of downtown (which we love to be close to), just SURROUNDED in georgous nature. Nobody lives to our right, and our neighbors to the left are many ivy covered trees away! Our view to the front is evergreens and flowered bushes. So fabulous! We LOVE it!

By the way, you can see that there is a giant hole in the dam! When this neighborhood was built in the 20's, and back then I guess it was one of THE places to be. Behind that dam used to be a spring fed lake, and then a waterfall cascaded off of the damn. Apparently, the city blew holes in the damn in the 50's or 60's or something?? From the heresay I'm catching, things have changed in that the city used to own the creek, but now the home owners own their respective parts of the creek. Because of this, there is a movement to get the dams repaired, so we could have a pretty spring-fed pond in our back yard someday. Who knows.

On the down side, we heard gun fire last night, far away. We were already warned that this might happen, being so close to downtown. Our old neighborhood was close to downtown too, but it was super close to the uber-rich hood. Our neighborhood seems to consider itself an oasis in the ghetto, kind of. I have to say that I like that. Someone wise told me two things I try to always remember. The first was, "View people with the eyes of the heart." The second was, "Never lose touch with the poor." I hope I do both of those things. I never want to forget that some people's lives aren't like mine. And I never want to judge them for where they are (am so working on this).

Anyways, if you're planning on visiting, don't you worry. The neighbors all walk their dogs in the evening and talk to eachother and stop by to say hello. Really, the houses are just beautiful and people are vigilant (and maybe vigilante) about neighborhood safety. We are pleased with our security lights and alarm, and on Tuesday we get panic buttons for the alarm programed onto our key chain alarm thingies.

I must admit I'm also secretly a little pleased with my perceived politics of the hood as well.

I haven't been coming here (blogger) often, because I've gotten a little paranoid after ethics training at work. Even though I don't think it's fair that teachers have to deal with this and swore I would never succomb, word is educators can actually lose their jobs over being "found online." I am so not in a place for it to be okay to lose my job. Can not even risk it a little bit. And I'm in Texas, which can sometimes be land of the not forward thinking. I work for great people, but you know, you just never know.

So, I've been thinking that I'll just delete anything remotely secretive and use the blog as a place for personal expression in general. Maybe I'll finally start doing the weekly photo websites I always say I'm going to do.

I've been siting for 20 minutes a day pretty regularly, although my goal has been to do that two times. Sitting still in the morning in our back yard with tiki torches and a cup of coffee makes it pretty easy to be in the present moment. I did a sun salutation today today on the original (30's) brick patio, and loved looking up through the cedars.

now

So...

I was just at the house, as we're getting the inspection right now. So far, everything is solid, especially for a house built in the 30's.

I met my across-the-street neighbor, another teacher at another arts magnet (but the high school one, which is where Norah Jones went). He mentioned that he often made dinner for the prior owner of our house (noted!). He also said that the hood is a great group of people with an active home owner's association, which is trying to get some small spring-fed "lakes" back in the community. He said that there is actually a waterfall (well, over a dam. Not an Ansel Adams situation...but still!) that is right in our back yard once the water rises some! To be honest, the more we are there, the more I notice I love about it. It is the sanctuary I've been looking for.

And, I feel a little mushy about how I got here. Once again, a testament to letting go a little, accepting and loving wherever I am *now* and following my bliss. Mia, you totally had a part in this. Isn't it strange how much these weird little blogging friendships can end up changing our thinking and effecting our lives? When I was whining about no nature in Dallas, Mia said, (with great tact!) "bloom where you are planted." So, I did. We knew we wanted a greater sense of community, maybe a little more progressive-minded, diversity...so we started looking at houses. From there, we fell into this house, which we cannot believe they are selling to us for a price we can afford.

Inspired by Lori, I've decided I need a "me room," for uninterrupted meditation, introspection, etc. I thought it was going to be easy, as the garage is already partially converted: Make a little room. Done. The thing is, apparently, for a garage conversion to really matter for home value, you need to extend the foundation. So, not quite as easy as slapping up some dry wall. When I was sitting in stillness for a bit today, I remembered that I've always been inspired by little outdoor prayer chapels...So, there's an idea, and a pretty feasible one, I think. A little room, built outside with some good views, the size of a big closet just long enough for yoga movements, with electricity (in case I want to write) and nature all around, where I can be still and in total solitude. There is a part of me that feels guilty for wanting a room just for me, but I guess people just have different needs. Maybe it's because I grew up being alone a lot. My mom worked the night shift a lot, and even though we lived in an old trailer, it was on all this land. I enjoyed that solitude so much. I didn't feel lonely anymore when I was outside with my little dog, laying in grass. I miss that. I am never alone in nature, and I've realized that I will be deeply sad if my kids don't get to have a similar experience: Not a lot of stuff, but a lot of nature. Like anyone else, I lose my footing in life sometimes...but I'm so happy I know a place where I can find it again.

And deeply grateful that something so inspiring is probably going to be right in my back yard. More pictures coming.

breathe

Riley at the top of the stairs. This is one of this guerilla warfare moves against Sam; the other day, finally fell through after several close calls in which B and I looked up to see him hanging.

Ayruveda update: I'm doing...okay. Meditating more, although serious drop off with this whole house thing. Oh, and since the house hunt, I haven't exercised a lick, and have been eating crap only. Purely crap, and not just regular crap but emotionally eaten crap. So we are talking about ice cream, salt and vinegar chips, an occassional pizza...Slipped into major unconsciousness with my eating choices. Not pretty, people.

So, today I'm resetting my "agni." (digestive fire) I'm doing a liquids fast, which is good for the soul because you get to see all the a-hole thoughts you have when you don't get to soothe them by feeding your face...and they do come, but then they go, and I have a feeling is is more cleansing mentally than being less aware that those thoughts are in the back of your mind. So far, I'm doing well and am still amicable, but 4 o'clock-ish is my usual struggle time for this. I wouldn't call. :)

I'm embarassed to tell ayurveda doc that I've barely been doing the very basic things he suggested. I mean, I've made efforts, but, well... You know. On the positive side, OVERALL since I've seen him: I'm eating food that is more fresh (more prana, or life force), more balanced meals overall, been taking triphala (the India wonder-tonic), and have thought about exercise more (hmm?). Oooh, I know. I started a gratitude journal; that's huge.

House update: Put in the offer. Hopefully, when we talk to our realtor in an hour or so, we'll at least have some little tiny bit of information. I'm a little concerned, because I know someone else was interested, and our realtor said she'd give the seller's realtor a heads-up there was a full-price offer coming. I hope she was able to reach him. You never know. I keep saying, follow your bliss, then hold on as your faith in that ideal is challenged...the point isn't instant gratification, it's in the holding on.

Miriam update: Yes, I still want it! Me! Pick me! Actually, I responded to your comment (you know how they come to you in email), and I kind of thought it might not actually work (and now we know), but I got destracted and never checked. Sorry.

big & little decisions

Big decision: Tonight, we are putting in (hoping to put in. Waiting for all paper work to come through.) an offer on a house we fell in love with. It's perfect for us. When Joseph Campbell said, "follow your bliss," he was talking about us living in this house. Here is a view from the back yard. Holy crap, I know. Idyllic.
And another. It's a creek lot, just covered in trees. The creek is down an almost mini-ravine (don't worry, there's a fence! Preston and Sam won't be forging any rivers). It's great now, but makes you think of so many great possibilities in the future, too, like carving out a stone pathway from the house, down to the creek...a big deck that juts out over the creek (you know, the kind with the giant stilts and maybe even a hot tub??). Seriously, if we get this house, we'll freak. And hopefully we will get it, because we're planning to put in a full price offer, or close to it. It's just a few miles from downtown, a few miles from work, 1 mile to an arts district. 1 mile to the train, 1 mile to the zoo!! Fun!
If we get to move into nature house, I'm sure I'll have more of an opportunity to use my new (relatively) birding book! Not just some birds, people. ALL birds. I'm getting increasingly nerdy as the years go on. Small decision: pink.

ghetto bohemian birds, flowers, child life

I've mentioned that we've been house hunting. We have driven ALL over, trying to be more open minded versions of our actual selves. Guess what: it worked in a big, bad ol' way! Our new favorite local is North Oak Cliff. My teaching partner (soon to be) is in the process of buying there, and she opened our eyes to one of the best areas in all of Dallas-Fort Worth. They do things differently in the Cliff, more funky-like. That's the way we like it. Way cooler than me, to be honest. As you can see, even the birds have a style of their own. Anyways, learning about North Oak Cliff is exciting, because I only learned about all of the most fabulous parts of it after I started reflecting on the fact that we make our happy whereever we are, bloom where planted, yada, yada. AND, as if I'm not already happy with my proximity to work (5 mi), I'll be even closer! Wanna be my new neighbor? Check it out: www.cliffdwellermagazine.com OR www.bishopartsdistrict.com
Hydrangeas. Next best choice after I found out lillies could kill my cat (sorry Riley, I didn't know). p.s. Riley didn't ever actually eat the lilliess, but he did play it fast and loose, batting them around on a few occassions.
I miss my kids. I wish I could show you pictures of them; they are so full of life and each wonderful! Either teaching is THE best profession for me, or I am seriously still honeymooning. I cannot wait to get a whole new batch in a month! I know. Annoyingly excited. Barf. In spite of my enthusiasm, *H*, if you are reading this, I have been really thinking about going into child life at some point (I know I have been telling this to you for about 6 years now, but it has always been true!). I'm thinking of doing an internship next summer and a little volunteering in the near future. If you don't know what child life is, go to: http://www.mdanderson.org/topics/kids/display.cfm?id=1ac80c36-5a75-4c9e-bf278a114fa26830&method=displayfull (Sorry for the necessary cut and paste. As fabulous as Mac's are, they are not so good with some blogger formatting things, so you'll have to do to your own link. It IS a good article. Go!)

dosha smosha?

+Monkey over my head+ Manual Antonio, Costa Rica+ ahhhh+

So I'm totally going to an ayurvedic doctor in in a couple weeks!! I am SO excited! The best part? He's a regular dr, too, and he graduated from my husband's medical school...In 20 minutes on the phone, this guy used Ayurveda (India's traditional medicinal system) and told me so many things about myself that I didn't tell him so couldn't not freakin believe he knew! Honestly, a little surreal. And ayurveda? It's kinda cool...It presuposes that all of us have a body tendency, or humor, called a dosha. When I've previously read about it, I thought it sounded too flakey for even me; but when I really applied the ideas to my own life, I realized that it makes a lot of sense and really doesn't go in the face of Western medicine but instead summarizes it in a different way and offers very different solutions. More later.

I think Dallas is weighing us down a little now that summer is here...On one hand, I love it here so much; my job is truly amazing and a place where I can live out my work as a spiritual practice. I've enjoyed the energy and the arts of living downownISH of a bigger city, and I have met some people who I find uplifting and inspiring...Even with that, sometimes I miss the midwest so much, or even just places where people can go outside without developing asthma...I miss nature walks and creeks where people take their dogs...I feel like the Dallas culture might be extra achievement oriented with less value on community interactions; I really think standard Western lifestyle is just amplified here by the major urban sprawl that exits that is so prevalent, and the lack of a vital downtown core. Also, maybe the fact that the economy here has been relatively stable compared to other places, so you can make a little money here. We find that you tend meet a lot of people who moved here for money, and aren't from here AND if they do live downtownish, that usually seems to mean that they just haven't fully settled down yet and soon will be off to the suburbs to do so...I can see us living in Austin someday and that being a truly good fit...Both B and I are the outdoor type and talk about hikes, camping and have always wanted to have our own kayaks (turns out our relationship is not strong enough to share a canoe). I don't need all this in my back yard...A 15 to 20 minute drive would be just fine...So I guess I'm making this my open letter/appeal to the city council to turn the suburbs into a nature preserve.

Anyways, Austin is good for all that, and I have to admit that a greater community of like minds might be nice. The real mother ship, I tend to believe, is Costa Rica.

But then again, maybe I need to let go of the ideas I had of who (and where) I thought I would be, to make way for upcoming fabulousness of which I've never dreamed? B and I NEVER thought we'd end up in Dallas for good, and always talked about living in a very liberal city with hippies and lots of live music, which is, well, not where we live...As we become who we most are at a soul level, does geography matter?

something

Write something....Anything!

B is at hot yoga right now, and I've been happily drowning myself in teacher lit. I am determined that this year I will be a kick booty math teacher, and I mean KICKING bootay. You know, even though I went to college for teaching, I thought I'd just do it for two years so I could be a school counselor. Instead, I have found that following my bliss lead me to right where I am, and I love it a surprising amount. Joseph Campbell is right that we must be able to overlook all of our plans for our lives so that we can have the blissful and surprising existence waiting for us. It's so exciting to know that I am not choosing where I go, but kind of feeling where I go. Following my bliss has taken me to much greater places than trying to intellectualize my life goals and trajectory. Anyways, math: I ordered a silly amount of teaching math books from Amazon, and I've been obsessing over them.

Been doing: I have been teaching summer science camp for my district, which is fun!
Been reading: The Tao Te Ching (for the first time...how did I miss this?!), Quantum Wellness, a bunch of teacher stuff
Been listening to: Jack Johnson's new (relatively) stuff

awwww.

my beautiful dog.

So, I'm moving. I guess my blog friends won't miss me, since I'll be taking you along. I like my little college town on the prairie, but I'm going to go be blue in a whole other red state now. My little brother (who has cerebral palsy, who I've mentioned here before) and my dad, his wife and my two younger siblings all live in Dallas. I tried it for awhile for my first college semester, but it was a little too rat-race-ish for me to stay afloat. I was -and continue to be- sort of a baby...people like me are why you should give annoyingly slow drivers a break. I actually get my feelings hurt when I get honked at or flipped off. I am entirely too sensitive and nerdy to survive on Dallas freeways...I'm like this annoying perpetual victim. Instead of flipping someone off back, I want to cry, "WHY, WHY would you WANT to hurt my feelings?!" I don't really think I am meant to be on the road anyways. I try to live in areas where I don't have to drive. Driving makes me crave xanax, which I don't think you're supposed to take when you drive anyways. The last time I lived in Dallas, it was unique for being one of the biggest cities in the US to have crap for public transportation. They just cannot get enough pollution down there; apparently, the word is out that Jesus will return before the air turns completely black. Things have changed a little, though, and you can now get to where you need to go via bus lines and trains. AND, we're going to live in the downtown area...so we can walk to where we want to eat. .

Speaking of eating, my new life in WW is going all right. I like the idea that I'm paying closer attention to what I'm bringing into my body. Before my knees were jacked up and I ran quite a bit, I think I ate about the same amount, and I was basically skinny. Now that I don't get that great exercise and am...ahem...getting a little older (turned 26 in September and am to the point where it behooves me to apply eye cream before bed), my butt is getting pretty droopy. And, I think one of the fatal mistakes of people who used to be skinny is that can exist in this state of reverse anorexia, in which they feel skinnier than they are...enter disturbing realistic photograph...*gasp*

Anyways, we're moving in June, most likely. I think I'll go ahead and teach special ed. down there, although it may take me a semester to get my certification in TX. I actually ended up with a degree in psych, although I have far more coursework in education.

Funny, I had decided that I could not teach, that I didn't fit in with the profession somehow...but, I think it had something to do with being in smallville. The idea became more and more stifling for me. Something about being in a bigger place makes teaching sound fun again. Maybe it takes some pressure off? I don't know. I can't really place the reasoning behind my randomness. One thing that I think contributed to my very early feeling of burn-out was that I only wanted to teach special ed--that's it. It never even occurred to me to teach in a traditional classroom...but sp. ed. training at my university really was just a cherry on top of lottttttts and lottttts of reg. ed. training. I enjoyed many parts of it, but it was difficult to stay passionate, because it just was not what I went to school for. --I was writing curriculum after curriculum, doing practicums, creating projects...and, all of it was stuff I knew I would never take into my classroom, because it was all to be for reg. ed. kids. If I had it to do over again, I would go to school in a state other than KS where there is an actual entire major just for special ed. At any rate, I'm going to start applying soon for some moderate MR classrooms, or something along the lines of life skills--that's what I'm interested in. I'm looking forward to it.