feel.

I know. Lots of quotes lately. And lots of not being here. I have been input rather than output as of late; no apologies, of course, as we follow our impulses as our life's treasure map.

You wait until I tell you how much is changing; it's literally (expletive) unbelievable. Of course, I am not telling it today. :)

I cannot describe what has been happening to me (and I believe to B, too, although I will have to tell you about that later), as in the synchronicities, vividly clear "messages" from the universe, or rather, vividly clear decisions to make. Everything is so, so clear and beautiful; I realize I sound like I'm holding a giant hookah, however have seldom meant something more than this.

I tend to believe that this fresh mental and emotional spaciousness, clarity, arises from practicing transcendental meditation for the past five months; as in perhaps it has given mental spaciousness to unblock parts of myself which were impeding living a more authentic life...more authentically aligned with my soul's desires/purposes. I truly believe that our bliss, our hearts desires, are our compass from the universe toward our most authentic and fulfilled life.

Our prefrontal lobe, our planning brain, is often merely in the way; yet, oh, the many ways I've given this sterile driver the wheel. I mean, it drives safely and pragmatically enough.; however, it seems to regularly misunderstand and limit the vehicle in which it navigates. I think of it like driving a Taurus, quite exceptionally, working so diligently to rock out this Taurus. The often unrealized irony is that while you were thinking so diligently, carefully controlling each nuance of the gas pedal, the break and perhaps the gears, you failed to notice you haven't been in a Taurus at all, but in the Batmobile...or a spaceship.

I will speak about the changes very soon. It's pretty unbelievable. I've never probably felt more alive or sure of things or open or peaceful. Having said that, there is a part of me that is just afraid out of my mind. And that is my intention for this stage of my life, in a way...Feel the anxiety, the fears of truly living a non-sedated life. Be comfortable uncertainty, tolerate discomfort, especially the discomfort of not knowing. Be open. Let go of ego. Remember one of the most important universal truths I've come to deeply believe as of late: Ego is never personal; love always is. I know it to be true deep in my core, and when I let that truth be my veil in the world, everything wonderful comes to me somehow, esp as it pertains to my relationships with others. The sanity in others, the compassion which is their true essence, arises when one does not react to ego, knowing it is not personal...and finds the morsels, however small, of compassion, taking them in like the carefully wrapped gift that they are in their essence. But, the fear? Yeah, I feel it. Sometimes, at least. Sometimes, I find ways to avoid it. These words, by Pema Chodron, are such a poignantly apt description of where it is that I am right now, and where it is that I am going. Peace.

Impermanence becomes vivid in the present moment; so do compassion and wonder and courage. And so does fear. In fact, anyone who stands on the edge of the unknown, fully in the present, without a reference point, experiences groundlessness. That's when our understanding goes deeper, when we find that the present moment is a pretty vulnerable place and that this can be completely unnerving and completely tender at the same time.

What we're talking about is getting to know fear, becoming familiar with fear, looking it right in the eye -- not as a way to solve problems, but as a complete undoing of old ways of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and thinking. The truth is that when we really begin to do this, we're going to be continually humbled. Fear is a natural reaction of moving closer to the truth. If we commit ourselves to staying right where we are, then our experience becomes very vivid. Things become very clear when there in nowhere to escape.

i have...

loooooooots of news.


I haven't been writing or reading.


Processing instead.


It's all good.


"When the shit hits the fan, we keep our heart open." Pema Chodron

Only surrender can give you what you were looking for in the object of your love. The ego says surrender is not necessary because I love this person. It's an unconscious process of course. The moment you accept completely what is, something inside you emerges that had been covered up by egoic wanting. It is an innate, indwelling peace, stillness, aliveness. It is the unconditioned, who you are in your essence. It is what you had been looking for in the love object. It is yourself. When that happens, a completely different kind of love is present which is not subject to love / hate. It doesn't single out one thing or person as special. It's absurd to even use the same word for it. Now it can happen that even in a normal love / hate relationship, occasionally, you enter the state of surrender. Temporarily, briefly, it happens: you experience a deeper universal love and a complete acceptance that can sometimes shine through, even in an otherwise egoic relationship.

-Eckhart Tolle

...."whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It's your mission on earth."
...."And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to acheive it."


Paulo Coelho

What? Me?

Okay, so when my computer, my love, went on sabbatical, I gave some things up. One of them was visiting the fab website, Crazy Sexy Life. You know, Kris Carr? You know. Anyways, I love it there! I believe the support among like-minded folks I've received there is part of how I figured out how to get better and leave the health drama behind. I especially love Fit Club, where you can informally log your workouts, etc., and give and receive support from others. It's quite warm, quite fuzzy.

So, while I was away, I was chosen as member of the week! Had no idea. Love that! So touched. I'm never skipping out on CSL again!

So, to reiterate: I'm SO much better. I'm mostly balanced at work. I've lost between 16 and 20 biggies (so far!) that I put on when I was sick, depending on how you look at it. I'm in my goal (first goal) jeans- Okay, so they used to be my fat pants. Who cares! Oh, and I did make it to the super fancy pants specialist of all endocrine tumors, etc. I could give you details, but I'm so OVER the details of my lack of health. Let's talk about the many, many fabulous counterparts, such as the body that sustained me, the wisdom from teachers like Byron Katie, Eckhart Tolle, Pema Chodron, etc. that kept me from losing my mind during that crazy ass time. I will never, ever be the same. I will always give my body everything it wants and says it needs, I have little doubt of that.

My mom turned fifty yesterday; I know, young! When she was my age, she had a fifth grader. I truly cannot imagine. I turned twenty-ten last week, celebrating, of course at Eno's. I've got some very special livelifetothefullest tentative plans for this year, but I'm a bit superstitious to reveal- Last year, people I love dearly kept getting cancer when I was planning trips. Thank God for the blessings of health that everyone in my family seems to be enjoying right now. Peace, the utmost peace, to those going through a different experience.

B and I are going through a weird time, but are each growing so much because of it. Will expound when ready.

Hmm, seen my social filter? No?

hot yoga + pitta?

Expressing myself in list form today. I've had coffee, because it seemed quite perfect on a balmy, rainy Sunday day (and it was); however, I'm talking fast and with the random streak of a four year old, so I doubt my ability to string together words in a manner that is cohesive and intelligible. Stream of consciousness wins again.

+I haven't been blogging because my computer is on sabbatical. Her screen went white, which turns out is detrimental in Macintosh land. I don't feel quite as inspired when on borrowed laptop, so, you know. I haven't been around. I'll get my computer fixed for the approximate price of one leg in January when into a new budget. Why didn't Applecare fix it with their famously fab service, you ask? Well... Cautionary note: If you spilled some water on your computer in the distant past and it is fine, consider never ever admiting this to any computer warranty people. I know what you are thinking: I wouldn't dumba##, and why did you? Call me an idealist- the truth doesn't (usually) let me down.

+My mom's last scan: CLEAR!!! We are smashing cancer like CRAZY, this family!

+Believe it or not, after all of my accolades for hot yoga, I had to say goodbye for now. My pitta (this is the heat, the fire element, in our bodies- according to ayurveda) went through the roof, with all of the hot yoga I was doing (my goal was 7.5 hrs/week). My face began to constantly burn, much like hot flashes. I started to feel bitter and more easily angered, all signs of pitta aggravation. As much as I loved hot yoga, something about how my life is today-- the increased balance, the Transendental Meditation-- I was able to let go of it quite easily and move over to a non-hot yoga studio. I may revisit hot yoga in winter time, when pitta is at it's lowest. Or not.

+As you may have heard me whine about previously, hormonal dramas of youknowwhat (which I just refuse to give more talk to) made it sooooo easy to gain weight and soooo hard to lose. (Do not let them tell you it's because you are getting older, ladies! Get your everything tested.) You may have also heard me bragging shamelessly that, since I regained much that energy I had lost, I have been working it at the gym like Britney. I mean working it. If you have ever lost your health, just observed your ability to get up and function like a normal person, maybe you understand my zeal. I am so confident I will always treat my body with just zealous respect and attention. It is odd how discipline is just not an issue, even a bit, after I have been through that life changing event.

+...Which is all the better for fitting in my (actually quite pretty) bridesmaid dress, as well. I'm in that wedding on this Saturday. In charming Kansas City, which I looooove. Ah, fall; already starting to seduce with her early-turning colors there. As far as the wedding, I am thoroughly thrilled to be there for my loyal, funny friend who surprised me at my own wedding with a mimosa , right before I headed down the isle. Took the edge off. Never mind the clonopin the univ dr gave me to make it through the day.

+I don't need anything to take the edge off at work these days, because it is going amazingly smoothly. I love my team, and my students, and their parents- who have already been volunteering in my room! I'm going in early daily when things are quiet, and I am leaving right on time. My boundaries are clear and have not been stretched. If I have to address something that just has to take extra time that week, I give that time back to myself the following week by not going in early or by going in early but my latest leisure book in classroom instead of working. The atmosphere of the room is soothing; it feels calming, conducive to thinking, and I feel at home there. Plants on every table, lamps instead of the florescent overheads, a candle on a candle warmer and a little fountain on the window where the sun shines in. Watching the kids already being so passionate about exploring authors they love, choosing a book because it won the Caldecott medal, and connecting themes among texts on their own, I'm reminded of why I have a passion for teaching. I am so blessed that I have finally found a balance in it, because spending the day with kids is an opportunity I haven't found words to describe.

+I'm working more diligently on my Spanish, in and out of the classroom (Ideally, I should be using as much Spanish as I can on Mon/Wed/Fri). Growth has felt slow, and I hope I will soon hit a critical mass .

+Live music + wine tonight in a well-designed, friendly atmosphere...M +D, are you reading this? Wanna come? Anyone else? Katrina?

namaste

I have never wanted a tattoo badly enough to consider the physical pain of doing so. I mean, I can be kind of a baby. Indecisive, too. I like change, or at least I seem to have a lot of it, so it always seemed like a tattoo would be too permanent. Then, I read an Ani DiFranco quote somewhere that said something about how she realized her tattoos were no more permanent than she herself. Wow. I'm listening....And then something about going to hot yoga so many hours a week, I'm feeling the desire to commemorate the end of my challenge. It is not for many more weeks, so I have the time to think on it.

I'm thinking 'namaste' or an interpretation of namaste, and I'm thinking on my foot, on the inside. The color of henna. If there is something that I've most taken from all of this exhausting 7+ hours of yoga a week, it's that I hope to remember that the very best in me sees the very best in you...and to remember that those aren't different things. Somehow, in all of that sweating and exhaustion and pushing of limits, there is a transcendence that occurs as the body and breath sync; the illusion of separateness falls away a tiny little bit. I want to take that with me all day.

In other news, I was in KC this weekend for a very special friend's bachelorette weekend. It was such a great time with funny, down to earth women. I left missing Kansas dearly, to be honest. I love it here as much as I can, but I miss the midwest state of mind. I miss being near friends I've known for years and most of my family.

Having said all this, last summer I also whined about living in Dallas and when I let it go and focused more on the essence of what I was looking for (diversity, real people, nature, charm, community), I found it right here somehow. B and I talk about manifesting a bit, which makes us both feel kind of flaky; but deeply, I do feel that the universe is intelligent and responsive, and I do see evidence of like attracting like all around me.

So, here it goes. The essence of what I'm missing is...invested friendships that are deep and light and fun at the same time...connection with family members...charming, old-world surroundings...simplicity...walking to a slow, steady beat...cycles in nature, like the expansion and contraction of fall, then winter, then spring and summer...I can't pinpoint what I love about that one...variety? the hopefulness of spring? the artfulness of fall?

And tomorrow, when students return and responsibilities start to call to me faster than I can answer, I just hope to be balanced. I feel protective of my life balance, and vulnerable to lose it. I think yoga during the week may be my best balancer. I am so afraid, honestly, of going back to only existing as a self during the weekends, that is if I can get my mind off of work. I joined a book club. I have yoga. Balance...Peace...Respect for myself and my body...That's the essence of what I'm hoping to get out of this year.

i had to leave the house of self-importance
to doodle my first tattoo
realize a tattoo is no more permanent
than i am, and who
ever said that life is suffering
i think they had their finger on the pulse of joy
ain't the power of transcendence
the greatest one we can employ

- Ani Difranco

how did i not see this during the election?

The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.

I actually hate myself for how much I love Sarah Silverman.

Rocka Chakra

I just finished week one of a 9 week hot yoga challenge.  I'm loving it more than I can find the words for at almost 2 in the morning.  In only a week or so, I get my first yoga foundation bracelet, which is surprisingly exciting for me (and according to their illustration, I will have awoken the vag. chakra?).  I'm just so happy that my body is able to support me and make such a nice place for my spirit.  I don't know where all this is coming from, but I've just been overflowing with body gratitude as of late.  Things are just so great.  You know, I whined about not being able to run again, but look where it got me.  I would not have signed up for another shot at the hot yoga studio if it weren't for my running defeat.  And hot yoga is where I need to be right now.  I love it.  I'm so grateful.  I do not at all mind almost always being in the lowest percentile of yogic ability in the room full of Cirque de Soleil performers or a Free Willy stunt double compared to the Hollywood physique that finds it's way into that place; it's so about me and my body and spirit.  And you know what else- it's nice to frequent uptown again.  I had gotten to feeling like I lived far from uptown, which is really silly because it's something like a ten minute drive.  What is it with that river making you think you are driving farther than you are? 

In a couple of weeks, I'm headed to KC for a very good friend's wedding shower, we rented a whole giant bed and breakfast for girl time, extravaganza.  I'm in her wedding in Sept, and I forgive her for choosing satin dresses, which I'm wondering could be nicknamed cellulite spotlights.  Actually, the dresses are beautiful, and I think any fatty boomalattie spots can be treated with the undergarment of steel titanium I'll be donning.  I know.  Hot.  For serious, though, I'm so happy to be there for my friend after she was there for me and helped me survive my own wedding.  I was not the most "bride-y" of brides, but my bridesmaids/personal attendant who was more in a position of maid of honor, really- they knew how to do it, and they kept me sane.    I'm so excited!

Gerson therapy, modified, is just getting better and better.  I've been increasingly leaning more and more into the protocol for about four weeks, and the difference is just crazy.  Number one is just that dang juice.  I can't freakin' believe it.  Juice!!!  I love the whole Gerson thing, though.  I'm just now working on decreasing my salt because of the whole sodium/potassium ratio that is apparently integral to Gerson therapy; I wasn't sure I wanted to do that part, because of the sodium issues that are a part of low adrenal function- but I'm leaning into it.  Tonight, I had half of a baked potato with Greek Yogurt, sauteed garlic cloves and lemon juice for flavor.  It was so good.

I can never completely do any sort of protocal, like Gerson or raw food.  I'd like to do most of both of them at some point, I believe.  I'm too much of a foodie to go all the way, though.  It's my passion, food.  I could never live without having spinach crepes at Cafe Brazil or the Twig and Branch pizza at Bolsa...Street Side salad with garlic bread  and butter with truffle oil at Eno's...Sante Fe Omelette with a mimosa at Dream Cafe...Eggplant parm at Maggiano's...Sprinkle's cupcakes...Taco Diner's guacamole...all of the pretty cheeses and pastries at Whole Foods...

I.  Love.  Food.

When I look back at my misery posts of exhaustion over the past year (and probably three to five years, if we look really closely), I feel so grateful for how much more human, alive, I feel today. As these things often play out, I did not realize how poorly off I was until things much improved. Today, I'm sleeping through the nights, drinking tea instead of coffee, eating about three heads of vitamin-rich romaine in the form of fresh, fiberless juices, eating much more of my food raw, exercising regularly, going to hot yoga almost every day. Thrilled is not even the word for it; there should be a better word. My energy and clarity is through the roof compared to even a few short months ago. I feel so much gratitude to my body for responding to natural, albeit somewhat extreme, measures. I'm losing that weight that sickness brought on, and I can hear my body so much more clearly. I can sense situations I like and don't like much more clearly. I'm getting out. Me! I had all but fallen from the face of the earth, and now here I am getting out!

In a weekish, I'm back to work. I was terrified to go back, for fear I would lose all of my progress. Now, I'm actually starting to look forward to it. Can you believe that? In the middle of last year, I cut down my extra hours drastically. This year, I'm doing it again by taking a break from the leadership team. Bittersweet to miss out on some inspired and creative thinkers, but I know it's the right decision to keep looking toward health. I know it's right because I can feel that it's right. I'm feeling more than thinking, something I have often shut off in favor long pro + con lists.

Yesterday, I had not slept enough and did not drink much juice. I went to breakfast with a friend (hi!), one of those people that you always feel better after hanging around, instead of depleted as with some folks. After that, a colleague met me to talk teacher shop, and we ended up talking more about her struggles- it's one of those relationships I struggle to balance in the way that some people are kind of always in a drama, but one that I see lots of absolute greatness in, too. I just found that when I was so exhausted, I sat in this conversation, let all reciprocity go out the window and basically signed up to be depleted and further depleted (not her fault! all mine!!!). It really showed me (1) how good health and decisions lead to more good health and decisions, and also (2) reminded me that the fuzzy, exhausted place I was in was the place I used to be in all the time. And I want to go back and hug that me who was going through that.

And although I do believe the words of Byron Katie, "When the mind is perfectly clear, what is is what we want," I'm so grateful that where I am right now is so hopeful and peaceful and full of life. I mean, I'm so grateful.

When I left, I thought of how my body had been working so hard for me, and how I let her down that day. I drank one green juice after another + ordered in a giant, healthy salad from Eno's while I rested, napped and watched The Philadelphia Story.

you see me rollin'

"We have to be focused when we makes the cake."

To be fair, it is a famous cake. And, if we're being honest, not my first time to be asked to focus. In January we finally made time, and B's mom carefully guided two rookies through each step, sub-step, and teeny tiny baby sub step of the family cherished + aptly famed chocolate roll recipe. B's grandmother debuted famous-cake years before; then, B's dad and mom, being an engineer and slight perfectionist, respectively, added an endearing if not slightly overwhelming set of sub-steps. Let no man put asunder.

chicken wire + great grandpa's (now grandpa's) vegetable garden.

My camera is in some eternal error mode, which is sad because it is summer and I'd like to be taking pictures all the time. If you have the Canon Rebel, and you know what to do when it gives the error message that says it can't shoot but to try turning the camera on and off, please enlighten me.

Today, with Transcendental Meditation teachers to "check in"; they are so helpful and patient with all of the rookie questions.

Then, to watch "The Ugly Truth," where I deftly avoided peeing on myself, it was so funny.

does it work?

Trying to figure out how to upload bigger pictures into blogger.  Let's see how much more I like this photo when it's giant.

Okay, so it cut the picture in half. Dang. But it is big, so I guess that's progress.  

Update:  I figured it out!  I'm so happy.

"Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray." ~Rumi

juicy

I looove Jennifer Weiner's books. If I didn't already enjoy that they are easy reads about unconventional women, I'd read them for the decadent food descriptions. Hands down, I'm a foodie. Meal chronicles such as, "garlic and white-bean puree with truffle oil" tap into my best foodie instincts, and I'm ready to savour some words.

Literature + bubble bath = ooh. But how about some juice with that? Carrot juice with apple. Thank you Super Angel (pretty, pretty princess) juicer! Yesterday was my biggest juicing day yet with five whole juices, four of which were green.

And did I mention I'm caffeine free for something like seven days? I have recently heard caffeine dependency described as living off of credit: If you don't pay it back, your account suffers because you are essentially living off of a facade. Er, I think I get it. I may not even be a person who can have an occasional caffeine drink; it's indelibly easy for me to slip into the routine of using it to elevate my energy so I can do more. Do more! Do more! For example, right now I feel a little tired. In (seven) days gone by, this means I'd get some coffee, a whole jittery pot; since I'm not running to pour a cup, I have some foresight and think about the fact I slept 6 hours last night instead of 7 or 8. I need a nap, not a coffee. Naps are sustainable (yes they are); coffee is not sustainable in that capacity. Right. I don’t want it anyways. Yes I do. No I don’t.

Let's talk about all of the nutrition I had yesterday! Juice, man. I meant it when I said I was done with this sickness crap- and then with B’s mom and my mom both getting lymphoma in the same breath- it’s to much. So, my answer, or part of it: juice. Four green’s yesterday, and one carrot. That's about an entire head of romaine lettuce- those are huge! Also, a green pepper, three whole organic carrots and one green apple. And that's just for my juice! I ate food, too. And since I’m trying to shrink my arse, now that I know that every extra pound of fat is extra hormones your body has to regulate, I made sure to stay in my little calorie range. Iphones have a good app for this, called “Lose It.”

Where is she getting all of this energy, you ask? Something that's making an heavy impact is that B and I went to Austin to learn Transcendental Meditation. I had been considering it for a year or so, and once Bruce learned about all of the studies on TM, he wanted in too. I'm finding my meditation has improved HUGELY. I mean, I cannot even tell you how much better it is- life changing better. My perspective has just shifted in these past seven days that I’ve been practicing...I have more of a sense of the commonality we share. That's right, you and me. We are s to the ame.*

*I’m willing to hold nerdy white girl gangsta talk coaching sessions, but they are e to the xtra.

" It is our enemies who provide us with the challenge we need to develop the qualities of tolerance, patience and compassion." ~ The Dalai Lama

Not that I have any particular enemy experiences going on right now- I like this.  If we redefine the word "enemy," then I might love this.

my first green juice

Decided on the Angel Juicer, mostly because many reported greater ease of cleaning than the Greenstar juicer. Love it, and have been juicing a carrot/apple combination every day. Today, I made my first green juice. I'm trying out the juices from the Gerson Therapy.

For my first green juice, I didn't want to be complicated, so I went with romaine and quarter of a green pepper. The vertical spout is where the veggies go in. One plastic container holds the pulp, and one holds the juice.

I was afraid it might taste bitter, but it didn't! It actually tastes like sweetish, lettucy water. Refreshing.

Here is the leftover fiber. The rationale behind leaving behind the fiber in juicing is that your body can take in far more nutrients than it would otherwise be able to digest. I'm one of those people who gets very tired after eating, so I find this extra appealing to give my digestion a break.

Clean up: About 3 minutes! I didn't even need to use the special brush that came with the juicer. Just a hot rinse, + it's shiny new.

Conclusion: Angel juicer gets 4 out of 5 juice glasses. One goes missing for expense + because it is less versatile than the Greenstar. The super easy clean up + pretty princess design means I'd choose it again!

Ghetto Disclaimer: Tile grout is permanently this color! I know. Yes, I've tried the paint stuff, but I'm open to your ideas. At any rate, this is how the counters always look-- can be ghetto, but no one wants to look more ghetto than they actually are!

Preston likes it here

Preston loves the range, mostly because there is a pond and he is able to most efficiently smell of fish. Sam and Moses like it too, but they can't be trusted off leash.

My mom is recovering from a hysterectomy + removal of the tumor-- rumor is she looked 6 or 7 months pregnant! She says she never expected to be pregnant at 49, but she might actually take the baby over the tumor.

Anyways, her biopsy results came back; it looks like she has non-hodgkin's lymphoma. She had a bone marrow biopsy today-- but we won't hear back for awhile. It has occurred to me that I should get over my fear of bone marrow biopsies, should I need to look into sharing some marrow...not sure how that all works.

No one wants any cancer, but I think lymphoma is probably relieving to my mom compared to the ovarian cancer we thought it was. For awhile, there was talk of the situation as being very, very dire with very few options. Since then, it's been roller coastery, but overall better.

My mom is in super good spirits. She's kind of a badass.

home on the range

I am home on the range. This is my grandma's house, where I was mostly raised--my mom and I lived on in a little trailer on my grandma's land...humble, yes. Who would want anything other than? I didn't know it at the time, but it was pretty idyllic. This pic is just out the garden that I remember my great grandpa tending when I was little. I took the picture because I think that' s a squirrel tail hanging off of it; not sure what that's about.

I remember lots about this garden! It used to be even bigger than this. I would take the tomatoes into my wagon and sell them door to door. My grandma would take me to pick okra for pickled okra and to dig up potatoes for the mysterious underground potato cellar- I will always remember it to be one of those strangely comfortable smells, standing, surrounded in the dirt, must be what it smells like to be a toad or a snake, I wound think. She would take me to her precious strawberry patch, then to pick apples off the trees for apple pie.

Baby grapes. I remember these, too.

Mom is still at the hospital. One dr says her tumor is not operable. Another says it is. She's being quite brave. I have an appointment with an endo I've been waiting on for awhile, who had a cancellation. The funny thing is, I feel like I'm sort of giving up on waiting for medicine to make me feel better in his journey. I have an intuition that my real healing/relief will come with getting a bit extreme about nutrition, ecercise and emotion balance....

UPDATE: Jan 2010...Wow, was that intuition ever right! I'm so happy and healthy now. I still have the tumor; sometimes if we take amazing care of our bodies, our bodies will take care of the little dramas such as a tumor for us...I am in need of no treatment other than continued health and happiness! I am so grateful! Grateful! I wish I could walk every single person feeling how I was- walk them down this path so they could feel how I feel today.

strange birds + five clams

Sam + I went on a walk yesterday.  We came upon some birds...the heck?

What are these birds?  The brown ones were kind of metallic-purple on their faces.  They were just barely larger than common doves, walked liked chickens, shook their feathers like peacocks.  They did not seem to mind my little dog + I.  

Breakfast.  Pretty much what I have every day, but it used to have eggs.  

Haven't been feeling eggs for awhile.

Mom Update: My mom's in the hospital getting tests + blood.  It might be a few days before we know anything.  I'm sending lots of peace and healing to her!

Have you watched this?  

www.foodmatters.tv

Totally worth the five clams.  There are some free ones on there, too. 

Healthy Eating: Something about all of this health drama, all over the place, all at once, has made anything remotely processed just look terrible.  I'm generally pretty healthy anyways, although I think someone should tell my a$$ that, because it's just not shrinking.  It's beena little  awhile since I've had anything other than vegetable or fruit--I haven't had gluten, sugar or any sort of animal product (although once I'm healthy, I'd like to have fish again, I imagine). Whatever it takes at this point!  I'm still waiting on my juicer.  Woo hoo.

 

It's 5:26.

It's 5:26.  

Appointment at 4.

She has not called me yet.

Grandma surely wonders, 

if...if...if..., 

 

would it be heaven? 

would it be hell? 

I assure her, unsolicited, 

God hears all Her children.

Triangles awaken

as stubborn perrenials, 

raising with familiarity, 

nature's ironic patterns.

Women's chatter fills

the room,  Fill it.  Fill it.-

another familiar pattern. 

Space, anxiety, space, anxiety

Fill the anxiety.

Feel the anxiety.

It's 5:32.  

When will they call me?

Counting up the barters

to offer the Gods

in exchange for a 

most pleasant phone call.

It's 5:39.

today part I (from iphone pov)

The little dogs + I sat in the gazebo.  Preston sat in this bucket.

It's very cool.

Preston + dirt bucket.