watched youknowwhats never grow

Man, it's not fair how good today has been. First, it's been really beautiful today. Inspirational weather. I love the smell of fall. I love the mums. Apple cider. Wassail. The fact that there is a community pumpkin event coming up, to raise money for local kids who need it. I love seeing special little fall-themed desserts like apple tarts with caramel drizzle and sugar cookies painted into cream cheese frosting pumpkins at the store. Knowing I'll get to see all my family again at Thanksgiving. We all get together, like 30 or 40 of us, every Thanksgiving at my grandma's. We do things like play spoons, a dangerous game. We eat, and my midwestern relatives ask if I'm still a vegetarian, and it gets on my nerves for a split second until I realize what a waste that is. We walk around the pond, sit on the dock. Last year, I rummaged through a familiar suitcase which still held the dolls I played with as a little girl. They really feel like mine alone, but in a huge extended family, they've gone through more hair dressers than a Las Vegas drag queen. The barbie I couldn't find but really wanted to was the one's whose youknowwhats grew when you twisted her arm; anyone else have Growing Up Skipper? I think she stuck around until too many preteen girls sprained their arms trying to grow some of their own, and then Gloria Steinam barbie came along and beat everyone up with a fish and a bicycle.

Thinking of b**by barbie makes me think of all the strange mythologies your (okay, mine) family feeds you when you're a kid. My great grandma used to tell me that breasts grew when "they've been played with by boys." What?!

Worse yet, my mom and grandma always blamed my trips and falls on my angel....Your "angel" will make you do things like fall and stub your toe after you've lied or talked back...which lead me to basically give the finger to "my angel" growing up, instead, praying to Santa, who was always good to me.

Ah, Christmas. This is about when I start thinking about it; go ahead and judge me. I've been people watching lately. There is an energy this time of the year that floats around all of our heads; I'm not sure of the source. The holidays finally coming? Well, for me that's big. I love old Christmas films...It's a Wonderful Life...The Bishop's Wife...White Christmas. I keep meaning to order The Shop Around the Corner, the old Jimmy Stewart film off of which You've Got Mail was based. I'm thinking of fires, gloves, snow. Makes me miss Kansas...the least visited state in the union; I miss it a little right now... The people seem more simple, or their lives seem more simple at least. The fall leaves, I have to say, are far more complex. I bet the town where my husband and I met is blanketed with a tapestry of leaves hanging over the streets. I hope I always have a midwestern day-to-day life, but that also I perceive the joys in complexity.

One joy is that...I got a new job today! Title 1 school, which is all I've really experienced so far anyways..I'm going in for a MAJOR change, though, to teach second grade. Holy crap, I know. Since I entered a literacy graduate program and am interested in literacy as a social justice piece, I think it's important to see literacy at the primary level. It's weird how nervous I am!!

Another joy? Dates! Today, I made one and had one. I bought tickets to the Regina Spektor concert at the House of Blues in Dallas; this will make a great date. But seriously, it would be a "mature" day for growing up skipper. Husband date was fun, and now he is sleeping next to me, mumbling through some sort of medical dream. He got out of school seriously early today, which NEVER happens, so we got to spend a lot of time together. Had two baily's and coffee at dinner and we saw the new Wes Anders*n film. He writes the weirdest stories; I love it. I love the music he chooses, the aesthetics of his films, the way he makes simple moments into art. To me, it illustrates that art is in every moment...whether we see it depends on our perspecitive. I'm surprised that our westen culture accepts his films; they move slowly in a way that one is to enjoy each moment for what it is, not for the fact that you are hanging on for the plot to develop. I found myself bored at the beginning, and then I realized, "I'm not getting this. I'm expecting something else, and not appreciating what it really is."

It's so hard to be in the moment sometimes...I've been trying to appreciate and soak up where I am, whatever I'm doing...so today when I left the movie, I decided to take a look at the piano which was sitting, small and simply unadorned, outside the theater. As it turns out, it was the "Imagine" piano, on which John Lennon composed one of the most influential songs of all time! Who knew?! I took some pictures of it; maybe I'll upload them later...but the important thing I that I would not have even experienced this little piece of history if I had simply been on my way somewhere...I was in it for the moment, and it was a good one. A day full of good moments.

sedation 101

Haven't been blue or anything; I have, however, been feeling generally uninspired, which is why I haven't been around here much. I've poked my head around my regular reads, and it seems I'm not the only one who hasn't been feeling the updating vibe. I wish I would sign up for more of those artistic prompt websites like Self Portrait Challenge, Inspire Me Thursday, etc. I guess what I'm saying is I'm in need of some inspiration.

Costa Rica inspires me; that's why I posted this rainforest picture I captured on my honeymoom. Aren't these beautiful? If you've been to CR, you know this plant is no anomaly. I think it's some sort of bromeliad (pineapple cousin)...which, if you are a secret life sciences nerd like me, you know that bromeliads are the plant in the rainforest in which poison dart frogs lay their eggs. The rainforest is like a caricature for life; deep, humbling contrasts such as the shimmery reds and yellows of a tropical flower to the deadly tadpole that lies within its leaves...The great kapok tree to the tiny, insignificant people who stand in its wonder.

Speaking of insignificant in the scheme of things...Long story short, my "great new job" didn't work out. Don't worry, no one was fired by anyone, I left them, everyone's on good terms with everybody and nobody's mad at anybody. Nothing I should be sharing on even a mostly anonymous blog, so the short story is that I'm in a well-planned job search...meaning I'm financially prepared to wait several months in order to find the place where I really need to be. I don't regret going to the job where I was, and I don't regret leaving either. I followed my bliss, and now I just need to hold on. What is hard now is that I am in a waiting place...You remember the waiting place from Dr. Suess (Oh the Places You'll Go)...

"...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting."

Pretty surprising that my life (all of our lives, really) seems to be following a Dr. Suess story, bc I believe it hasn't been long since I referred to myself as being in Dr. Suess's "slump," or something like that. I've read ahead in this book, and it gets good in the end, so I guess it's all okay.

My point is that waiting is hard for me...bc it is vulnerability. I just want to 'fish or cut bait' with everything. Everything. I guess everyone is that way a little, at least. I've grown a little concerned about my issues with vulnerability, though, b/c I've realized it's more ubiquitous than I thought...


So, I tried to entertain the thought of, well, sharing my life in that way (not that this would matter for YEARS anyways), and I felt freaked.the.youknowwhat.out. One of the first thoughts that scared the youknowwhat out of me was that if I did have kids, I should have at least four, bc then the handicapped one would get taken care of by the others. WHY am I assuming I'd have a handicapped kid, like my brother? How shameful is it that I would almost not have kids just bc I would be so afraid of having one like him? You know what's interesting...My dad (who has been through WAY more than me) totally did this. He went through the humility, heart break and heart warming roller coaster that is caring for Tyler, and he went on to have two other kids, knowing either or both of them could have ended up just like Tyler. The thought makes my heart beat in my throat, and then there's the guilt from thinking it in the first place. There's a good chance that I was dead on the whole time with the kid thing, but I feel I owe it to myself to be more alive, to scrutinize my intentions.
No special ending, really....the thought is really as incomplete as it seems.

*****
Cross your fingers for me that the teaching job will come along again, though...I miss it desperately. Ironically, it is the humility, the right conditions for spiritual growith, that I love so much about teaching. I don't know if I mentioned this, but I decided not to do the social work master's and went for literacy specialist instead, which I am loving. As it turns out, and as I believe it is for many educators, teaching IS my social work. Teaching.has.my.soul. I think other jobs will probably have my soul someday, but now I know teaching is where I need to be. I truly miss it right now, in an " I could cry" sort of way. More than anything, i'm just feeling blessed to know that there is something out there that I truly love to do and that pays my bills AND leaves me feeling incredibly blessed (sometimes through clouds of stress) at the same time.