now

So...

I was just at the house, as we're getting the inspection right now. So far, everything is solid, especially for a house built in the 30's.

I met my across-the-street neighbor, another teacher at another arts magnet (but the high school one, which is where Norah Jones went). He mentioned that he often made dinner for the prior owner of our house (noted!). He also said that the hood is a great group of people with an active home owner's association, which is trying to get some small spring-fed "lakes" back in the community. He said that there is actually a waterfall (well, over a dam. Not an Ansel Adams situation...but still!) that is right in our back yard once the water rises some! To be honest, the more we are there, the more I notice I love about it. It is the sanctuary I've been looking for.

And, I feel a little mushy about how I got here. Once again, a testament to letting go a little, accepting and loving wherever I am *now* and following my bliss. Mia, you totally had a part in this. Isn't it strange how much these weird little blogging friendships can end up changing our thinking and effecting our lives? When I was whining about no nature in Dallas, Mia said, (with great tact!) "bloom where you are planted." So, I did. We knew we wanted a greater sense of community, maybe a little more progressive-minded, diversity...so we started looking at houses. From there, we fell into this house, which we cannot believe they are selling to us for a price we can afford.

Inspired by Lori, I've decided I need a "me room," for uninterrupted meditation, introspection, etc. I thought it was going to be easy, as the garage is already partially converted: Make a little room. Done. The thing is, apparently, for a garage conversion to really matter for home value, you need to extend the foundation. So, not quite as easy as slapping up some dry wall. When I was sitting in stillness for a bit today, I remembered that I've always been inspired by little outdoor prayer chapels...So, there's an idea, and a pretty feasible one, I think. A little room, built outside with some good views, the size of a big closet just long enough for yoga movements, with electricity (in case I want to write) and nature all around, where I can be still and in total solitude. There is a part of me that feels guilty for wanting a room just for me, but I guess people just have different needs. Maybe it's because I grew up being alone a lot. My mom worked the night shift a lot, and even though we lived in an old trailer, it was on all this land. I enjoyed that solitude so much. I didn't feel lonely anymore when I was outside with my little dog, laying in grass. I miss that. I am never alone in nature, and I've realized that I will be deeply sad if my kids don't get to have a similar experience: Not a lot of stuff, but a lot of nature. Like anyone else, I lose my footing in life sometimes...but I'm so happy I know a place where I can find it again.

And deeply grateful that something so inspiring is probably going to be right in my back yard. More pictures coming.

offer accepted!

Holy cow! I guess I'm a real grown up, now! As long as there are no secrets we don't know about, we move to a *fabulous* place in a month!!! A month!

breathe

Riley at the top of the stairs. This is one of this guerilla warfare moves against Sam; the other day, finally fell through after several close calls in which B and I looked up to see him hanging.

Ayruveda update: I'm doing...okay. Meditating more, although serious drop off with this whole house thing. Oh, and since the house hunt, I haven't exercised a lick, and have been eating crap only. Purely crap, and not just regular crap but emotionally eaten crap. So we are talking about ice cream, salt and vinegar chips, an occassional pizza...Slipped into major unconsciousness with my eating choices. Not pretty, people.

So, today I'm resetting my "agni." (digestive fire) I'm doing a liquids fast, which is good for the soul because you get to see all the a-hole thoughts you have when you don't get to soothe them by feeding your face...and they do come, but then they go, and I have a feeling is is more cleansing mentally than being less aware that those thoughts are in the back of your mind. So far, I'm doing well and am still amicable, but 4 o'clock-ish is my usual struggle time for this. I wouldn't call. :)

I'm embarassed to tell ayurveda doc that I've barely been doing the very basic things he suggested. I mean, I've made efforts, but, well... You know. On the positive side, OVERALL since I've seen him: I'm eating food that is more fresh (more prana, or life force), more balanced meals overall, been taking triphala (the India wonder-tonic), and have thought about exercise more (hmm?). Oooh, I know. I started a gratitude journal; that's huge.

House update: Put in the offer. Hopefully, when we talk to our realtor in an hour or so, we'll at least have some little tiny bit of information. I'm a little concerned, because I know someone else was interested, and our realtor said she'd give the seller's realtor a heads-up there was a full-price offer coming. I hope she was able to reach him. You never know. I keep saying, follow your bliss, then hold on as your faith in that ideal is challenged...the point isn't instant gratification, it's in the holding on.

Miriam update: Yes, I still want it! Me! Pick me! Actually, I responded to your comment (you know how they come to you in email), and I kind of thought it might not actually work (and now we know), but I got destracted and never checked. Sorry.

ohhhhhhhhmyyyyyyygaaaaahhhhd

Word is, someone else wants the house. (Which my dad is convinced is fancy real-estate industry trickery.) But anyways, we are leaving in 15 minutes to put in our offer. It may already be too late, if the others beat us to it. We just have to remember that when we follow our bliss, life might test our faith...just keep following, roll with it, let go of the outcome....

breathe.

really, breathe!

check you later.

big & little decisions

Big decision: Tonight, we are putting in (hoping to put in. Waiting for all paper work to come through.) an offer on a house we fell in love with. It's perfect for us. When Joseph Campbell said, "follow your bliss," he was talking about us living in this house. Here is a view from the back yard. Holy crap, I know. Idyllic.
And another. It's a creek lot, just covered in trees. The creek is down an almost mini-ravine (don't worry, there's a fence! Preston and Sam won't be forging any rivers). It's great now, but makes you think of so many great possibilities in the future, too, like carving out a stone pathway from the house, down to the creek...a big deck that juts out over the creek (you know, the kind with the giant stilts and maybe even a hot tub??). Seriously, if we get this house, we'll freak. And hopefully we will get it, because we're planning to put in a full price offer, or close to it. It's just a few miles from downtown, a few miles from work, 1 mile to an arts district. 1 mile to the train, 1 mile to the zoo!! Fun!
If we get to move into nature house, I'm sure I'll have more of an opportunity to use my new (relatively) birding book! Not just some birds, people. ALL birds. I'm getting increasingly nerdy as the years go on. Small decision: pink.

ghetto bohemian birds, flowers, child life

I've mentioned that we've been house hunting. We have driven ALL over, trying to be more open minded versions of our actual selves. Guess what: it worked in a big, bad ol' way! Our new favorite local is North Oak Cliff. My teaching partner (soon to be) is in the process of buying there, and she opened our eyes to one of the best areas in all of Dallas-Fort Worth. They do things differently in the Cliff, more funky-like. That's the way we like it. Way cooler than me, to be honest. As you can see, even the birds have a style of their own. Anyways, learning about North Oak Cliff is exciting, because I only learned about all of the most fabulous parts of it after I started reflecting on the fact that we make our happy whereever we are, bloom where planted, yada, yada. AND, as if I'm not already happy with my proximity to work (5 mi), I'll be even closer! Wanna be my new neighbor? Check it out: www.cliffdwellermagazine.com OR www.bishopartsdistrict.com
Hydrangeas. Next best choice after I found out lillies could kill my cat (sorry Riley, I didn't know). p.s. Riley didn't ever actually eat the lilliess, but he did play it fast and loose, batting them around on a few occassions.
I miss my kids. I wish I could show you pictures of them; they are so full of life and each wonderful! Either teaching is THE best profession for me, or I am seriously still honeymooning. I cannot wait to get a whole new batch in a month! I know. Annoyingly excited. Barf. In spite of my enthusiasm, *H*, if you are reading this, I have been really thinking about going into child life at some point (I know I have been telling this to you for about 6 years now, but it has always been true!). I'm thinking of doing an internship next summer and a little volunteering in the near future. If you don't know what child life is, go to: http://www.mdanderson.org/topics/kids/display.cfm?id=1ac80c36-5a75-4c9e-bf278a114fa26830&method=displayfull (Sorry for the necessary cut and paste. As fabulous as Mac's are, they are not so good with some blogger formatting things, so you'll have to do to your own link. It IS a good article. Go!)

if perception is reality, then what is reality?

I am lyrically stunted. I just don't perceive song lyrics the way you probably do. Exhibit A: I always thought Stevie Nicks was singing, "just like the one winged dove." My husband, pointing and laughing, explained to me that white winged dove makes more sense and that's probably what Stevie meant. At times like this, he turns my own evil teacher tricks against me and says things like, "Uh, let's use our context clues please?"

I guess I made that bed. Always a fan of the self-denegrating humor genre, I later riskily performed what I can only describe as an interpretive vignette of what a flying one-winged dove would indeed look like. At a work holiday party. At my principal's (i.e. boss, evaluator, bestower of financial future) table. Think circles, beer in one hand, free arm flapping most ungracefully.

There are some things I've been meaning to tell you. One is that I had the great pleasure of hearing Maya Angelou speak a few months ago. It was honestly too huge to write about at the time. I can only equate how I felt when I saw her to how I felt when I first saw a real-live sketch Van Gogh made in preparation for a painting that I received love, comfort and beauty from for years and years of my life. Instant overwhelming feeling of gratitude and love.
I first read Angelou's, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" when I was 14. It was a very dark time. Sharing someone else's darkness (as Angelou shares in her memoir), knowing they lived through it, gave me hope. It was precious to me, she was precious to me, like a friend that I really needed. This was right after I moved out of my mom's. To make a long story short, I was given the wrong test, and so medicine that I never should have taken. I have never felt darker in my life, and I believe I will always feel humbled to what those who suffer true deep depression like that are going through. It is senseless and naive to ever, EVER judge them, as we can never perceive the world as anyone else perceives it exactly; the chemicals in our brains, and sometimes the neural pathways from childhood can literally leave us absolutely wired for debilitating depression (thanks to brain plasticity, it is possible for brains to re-wire, by the way), slaves to the brain's circuitry. That's not to say we don't have some control, and I'm not talking about moral relativism. It is just incredibly humbling to consider the degree to which chemicals and neuropathways control our emotions, thoughts and perceptions.
Anways, increasingly, the ridiculous medicine drove me into this mega darkness. I remember being at school one day in 8th grade and actually having a reality break. I was seriously drugged, straight out of a "this is your brain on drugs," commercial. I would just refuse to pick up my head during classes, and I cared not a bit what anyone thought about that. I doubt that teachers in my rural German-mennonite school community were equipped to deal with this, so I spent a lot of time sleeping in the nurse's office. I would just lay there, hoping it was true what they said, that I would feel like living some day. On this particular day, the climax of the whole God-aweful experience, I stumbled from the little nurse's office cot only to observe the walls and furniture around me grow and twist like some Alice In Wonderland nightmare. It was total sensory cluster-youknowwhat. I would reach out for something, and it would be further than it should, bigger than it should, smaller than it should. As you can imagine, I freaked. School counselor (whose coffee, I regret to say, had previously been involved in an Ex-Lax scandal among myself and a group of friends) drove me to a community mental health center where it was FINALLY figured out that they had been wrong all along. Misdiagnosed. Wrong diagnostic test. Living with grandma turned out to be pretty good medicine in and of itself.

Soon after, I got my spunk back, and somehow they let me graduate 8th grade although I am almost positive I missed over 60 days of instruction and surely flunked almost everything. (I have no idea.) Although I never felt that way again, my brush with crazy gave me a strange sense of comeraderie with, well, crazies. I didn't know crazy was something you could catch, and it's still tempting to see a giant chaism that separaties the crazies from the non-crazies, but the humbling reality is that, in the words of Maya Angelou, "We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike."

stillness speaks

+you know that book, The Great Kapok Tree? + This is a kapok tree somewhere near Quepos, Costa Rica, which I clearly cannot get enough of + It is way huger than it looks here + I think I took this pix from a car, actually +

Stillness speaks, says Eckhart Tolle. Not that he's the first or last to say it. Really, when I think of sitting still through mental drama, I think of Pema Chodron and her fabulous words which have really become somewhat of a mantra to me, "This moment is the perfect teacher." In honor of day one of my new two-day (did you know some people do like 90 days?! Holy crap!) second juice fast, I've been reading Tolle's little book called Stillness Speaks. Before I actually read some of it this morning, I did sit for a long time (kind of). I was semi-grumpy for what my normal self would call a silly reason, and really didn't want to sit with it (because, like, it's uncomfortable!). I'm realizing more and more, that these are the times that I would often not even know what was annoying/grumpifying me, because I'd move right on to some kind of destraction. And every time...EVERY time, like frickin' magic, when I sit with it, look the discomfort in the eyes without even telling it go go way, away it goes. It goes away, even if it takes awhile. And I don't tell it to go away; I just accept the moment, I say to myself, "this is what is, the feeling that is, or the fear that is floating past my mind like a dark cloud." This too shall pass, dark clouds and giant fluffy clouds alike...Then, I picked up the book and read something I found fitting :


"When you are identified with mind, you get bored and restless very easily...When you feel bored, you can satisfy the mind's hunger by picking up a magazine, making a phone call, switching on the tv, surfing the web, going shopping, or- and this is not uncommon- transferring the mental sense of lack and its need for more to the body and satisfy it briefly by ingesting more food...
OR, you can STAY bored and restless and OBSERVE what it feels like to be bored and restless. As you bring AWARENESS to the feeling, there is suddenly some space and stillness around it, as it were. A little at first, but as the sense of inner space grows, the feeling of boredom will begin to diminish in intensity and significance. So even boredom can teach you who you are and who you are not..." -Eckhart Tolle, Stillness Speaks


Uh, yeah! Put a check mark for me in all those boxes! That's what I want to do this for. I think I'd like to go the rest of the day without the internet, and then not at all tomorrow (except maybe to post). No movies. Just acceptance and awareness for whatever is in that moment. In this present moment.

And a little xanga wannabe update. I shall now attempt to define myself by my books and song:
+Been listening to: New Soul, by Yael Naim; The Heart of the Matter, by India.Aire; The Amelie Soundtrack (Le Fabuleaux Destin d'Amelie Poulain), by Yann Tierson
+Been reading: Stillness Speaks, by Eckhart Tolle; Goodnight Nobody, by Jennifer Weiner; The Laws of Money, by Suze Orman
+Been watching: Oprah's Soul Series, Season 8 of Friends...but I'm putting it away! I am!

mmm, juice

+b and i+ looking kind of creepy

I have been on a serious Christmas kick. I know how weird that is, but it occurred to me that school is going to start kind of soon, which means it's fall. Fall? Thanksgiving, which I also love. And to me, that means it's basically Christmas. Ah, I love it. I don't know why I'm in that place lately, but I've taken in It's a Wonderful Life, recently. The Bishop's Wife. The Family Stone. The Holiday. As much as I love the holidays, I seriously just don't like the present part. Isn't that bad? I should feel bad. In my plans for future queendom, we'll only give presents to people we don't know that really need it, and maybe anonymously. Or, maybe we'll just give offerings of time; I haven't worked out the details. Although I'm not a Christian really (at least not by most Christian's standards), I think celebrating who Jesus actually probably was and believed in is a wonderful idea, kind of like celebrating Ghandi's or Buddha's beliefs, or the Tao. I believe they liked the same ideals. I love the Christmas season for a heightened sense of mindfulness in all areas, appreciation for loved ones, servanthood. Having said that, I do think the whole magic of Santa thing is seriously cool and my hypothetical future children will totally be leaving some cookies and milk on the dinner table.

And onto more seasonally appropriate topics... So, juice fasting: love it, turns out. I did two days, and day two was by far the best. No hunger on day two, although sinus headaches, yes. I was not prepared for the hightened clarity and mindfulness, and I've heard that after day four is when you usually start seeing those kinds of benefits. It is hard to express in words, but I would say that it is somehow spiritually and emotionally cathartic. You are forced to constantly process emotions and thoughts and let them flow. It reminds me of peeling an onion, or of blowing the clouds out of your little corner of the sky, one by one to see that the sky was always blue afterall...Even when it seemed a sea of grey.

Apparently, juice fasting is supposed to have some serious healing qualities (think a dog who stops eating when sick), as your body is releaved of the arduous task of digestion to focus on healing throughout your body. I (and B is with me, which adds to the fun) am just doing it for the emotional/spiritual side of the coin right now. When we have a real juicer, I'd like to consider a longer stint. Today, I'm taking off, but I'm thinking I'll go for Friday and Saturday and then off again at least for my mom's visit on Sunday/Monday. She wants to try our new favorite restaurant, which is vegan. In Dallas, cowboy!

Wednesday is our anniversary, so we will be eating out for some super fabulous meal in which we will sit at our table for longer than is smiled upon by social norms. I guarantee some cheese and wine will be in company. And desert. And Lavatzza coffee. We are on year 3. Six total years together, which is officially almost double my second biggest relationship. I am so such a big girl now. Year three was probably the hardest and the best. I think we got the most done in year three, at least, as far as our relationship is concerned. Year two might of actually been the harder. Yeah, revision: two was harder. Nothing scandalous, it's just that marriage is hard work and it can be hard to bypass the walls you didn't know you even had. Year one was easy at the time, but when I look back, I think we were somewhat distant from one another without really getting that.

Then comes the world tour. Friday, we are going to Kansas City to see B's parents and friends. And then into the more rural Kansas, to see grandma and smile at the place where we got married. THEN, we are going from there to Colorado; our friends invited us to go to a cabin with them. I am seriously excited, as Colorado is truly beautiful. And THEN, I'm back for a few days only to leave again for NYC with a girl I teach with. The best part is I get to see my friend, C, so we can pick up exactly where we left off, as usual.

it's noonish

Preston is sprawled out, half asleep in front of the door, probably in case B comes home. Sam is looking especially disheveled today, sleeping heavily on the couch as usua,l with all four legs straight out as if in casts. B is playing tennis and then reading at Starbucks. I'm drinking tea. And writing you.

Second day of juice fasting. I woke up and did a mini yoga/breathing thing, and then poured a pot of tea from fancy pants dechlorinated hot water thingy (pictured above). I have one in my classroom, too, so I can be a tea nerd all day long. B and I originally were originally doing a 1 day juice fast, something we had studied in ayurveda that's supposed to kind of reset your digestion and hunger cycles. During the fast, we both found ourselves pretty intrigued and decided to do it today, too. Most, I am intrigued with fasting as a way to "sit with" various thoughts and emotions. Anyone who knows me well knows I am truly passionate about food. Surely, I always will be, but I'd like to use it (and other things, like the internet, for example) less as a distraction from whatever thoughts are bouncing around in my head. Then, I know I'm passionate about the cheesecake and not just what the cheesecake is helping me not to think about (which is usually something benign like work, anyways).

Other than occassional grumpies, the only problem I've had so far is headaches. Especially sinus headaches. Oh. My. God. I am talking about sinus headaches, here. The way it comes and goes is the weird part. Is this movement? Is this a good thing? I finally took 4 ibprofin last night because I just could not believe it, although I was a little worried about taking medicine on a fast. Any underlying hypochondriac tendencies were in full swing, let me tell ya, and I thought maybe I should break the fast to avert certain (painful, slow) death. In the end, it passed. And returned. And passed. I wonder if this is my body getting rid of a sinus infection, and that the movement just causes pain...

For like 8 months on and off, I've had this very frustrating health mini-crisis of having a low fever on and off and inflamed glands/nodes...some sinus symptoms, but really the issue has just been the discomfort of all of that inflammation and just the aches of having a low fever....went through 3 rounds of antibiotics earlier this year which did nothing, so the (minimally to moderately trusted) dr said it must be some kind of viral thing, maybe mono or something like it that likes to last forever...Bah. Western medicine. Or, maybe it's not the medicine, but the hurried system under which some doctors have to operate...I feel like going to the doctor is pointless, because there is so little discourse, or cognition whatsoever for that matter. Especially after watching B bust his ever lovin' moneymaker through medical school, I can't imagine him turning to a thoughtless repetitive cycle of prescribing antibiotics after antibiotics...but, either because of complacency or just pressure under a system, I know we've all been through that with doctors.

Enter integrative medicine. Saturday, baby. My appointment with western trained dr, also trained in ayurveda, also a cranial-sacral osteopath. Let the "ness" quest begin.

In other news, B and I are looking at condos/houses. I know. I think my whining was evidence of a critical mass that ended up with me realizing that it's not about where we are as much as who we are. That doesn't mean that we'll always be here, but we are now and it's okay to put down some roots. If you know me well, you may know that roots freak me out a little, but not for any good reasons. Anyways, we can't afford a lot, especially since a bank will not recognize B's student loan income (which then cuts our annual income in half), but we are having so much fun looking and imagining. If you want to bring a house warming gift, you can find us in the ghetto. We haven't decided whether we want to be bloods or crips. Suggestions?

secret, secret, i got a secret

I am pretty sure it's a little unholy on some level to admit, but I'm on a short fast. B is too. Guess who is handling it better? (not me)

It is amazing the feelings, etc, we hide with food, or whatever we choose.

perspective?

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." Marcel Proust