creating reality.

interesting. kind of buddhist, i think.


Drawn With Lines

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bittersweet (and not me pole dancing)

Sweet...
My brother (who is severely handicapped) graduated high school this weekend. He didn't freak the out or have a seizure from all of the flashing lights. We had a great celebration of him. No family fights, in spite of my worries of such.

Bitter...
No more place to go every day for my brother; now, he'll just stay in his group home during the day, which is a lot less enrichment.

Sweet...
He had a great visit at my house, and I had a little family gathering at my house after his graduation luncheon. Good food. Lettering on the cake turned out pretty (thanks, me!). Beautiful weather. No, BEAUTIFUL!

Bitter...
Changing my brother's "number two" daiper. Enough said.

Sweet...
Summer is almost here, and my first year of teaching is almost over...Which means that the main  reason I moved here (to hang out with my brother) can finally get some real attention.

Sweet...
My brother, who seems that he can "give" nothing back. This, if we let it, teaches us much more about life & love than if he could do more. My journey to understanding, when it comes to my brother, has been long; honestly, it has been very painful. The peace and blessings on the other side of the journey have far outweighed all of the pain. Some people's brothers stand up for them, support them, advise them. My brother teaches with silence. With dirty diapers and even drool.

Bittersweet...
Tyler's graduation
dark chocolate
family
wine
love
friendships
life
...all the good things.


Now, I need to go throw up, because I sound like a greeting card. Again.

feeling empty.

...or, rather, being empty. Science tells us matter is 99.99 percent emptiness.

I study about 30 min. every morning, somehow devoted to my spiritual growth. It's something I've been doing for myself for quite awhile. This morning, I watch Deepak Chopra's "How to Know God." It blows my mind almost as much as "What the Bleep Do We Know." Quantum Physics, if you haven't explored it, will rock your world. The most crazy thing is that the findings so closely echo many of the mainstays of Buddhism...emptiness...impermanence...the world as an illusion...

People who have studied Buddhism know it is more of a practice than a religion...It's a set of steps toward "knowing truth," they say...I wonder, were these early Buddhas (fully awakened persons) simply able to intuit something we will someday all know as science??

seems like...

...the sky is grey...with pockets of blue, but grey all the same. Today, the weather mimed my perspective, or is it the other way around?...Moments of clarity with storms coming and going, always looking for that elusive blue emergence, knowing, or at least thinking I know it is there...Not the changes of my circumstance, but the changes in my perspective...that is the true reality, right? I know the sky is always there, I know that. I wish I always "got it," every moment, though. Maybe THAT is what being awake is...

. Seems that life's events are merely the paint brushes; they barely matter at all in this transient, impermanent existence...so, I could paint stormy clouds with my day...or, a sunset...or, an ocean...a mountain. a smile.

My painting, my self, is a work in progress.

Peace.

the sky was always there.

In Buddhist writings, they use the analogy of the sky and the clouds. On some days clouds cover all the sky in our field of vision...and we may say, "Today, it is grey outside," or "Today, it is cloudy."

Yet, today is actually blue, like yesterday. Like tomorrow. Like every day. They are all blue, because the sky is blue and the sky is always there.

The sky, our true mind. The clouds, the innumerous life-destractions, which are, of course, illusions. May I let go of all of the silly illusions I ruminate over, all of the precious time wasted by failing to acknowledge the unchangeable, the good. ..the choices I've made to perceive the sky as grey instead of altering my perception towards truth.

May I recognize the truth in others...I am no better or worse than any other transient being. No one is not worth knowing. No one is too good to know.

May I access the ocean of compassion that is available to all of us to give the gift of compassion when I say things like, "I have nothing left to give." May there always be something to give.



...Am I teaching next year?

yes.


...Do I enjoy every day these days?

yes.

...Really, EVERY day??

no, I lied a little. but, almost.


I perceived the sky instead of the clouds, and things just changed.