+If you wanna look at the bright side of things, sleep every night with a Preston next to you. No matter what happens any other time of the day, you've got that and it's pretty great. One of those small pleasures that adds up to a whole lot.
+Preston makes everything better.
+If you want to look at all sides, listen to Pema. She would say to lean into the pain, the groundlessness. Be grateful for pain and losses, a reminder of the inherent impermanence of things, of the groundlessness that is our true reality. You know, I've tried to visualize myself in groundlessness, and it was not at all comforting; I had really thought it would be. But, when I visualize myself in a river or creek, letting go completely and flowing with the current of the stream, I do feel comforted and at home. And I do want to let go, and I am, kind of; but it's also so easy to grab a branch here and there, or to think you've let go and not even notice your legs are exhausted from trying to kick their way upstream. This moment is the perfect teacher. Even the kicking. And the grasping.
+Today at work, I did some inner grasping. I had a reaction to some new medicine, yet another new. All in all, not that big of a deal in and of itself, but of course I let it all add up. I felt so out of control about things these days, just like, "I can't control what I'm doing right now in life. I want to, and I can't." I had this awareness that all the control I used to have, over my body, had just been escaping me, little by little, and now it seems to be escaping in ever-expanding chunks-- and there I was, not being able to do my job (which I tend to identify with), and really having to face that it's harder to do my job the way I'd like...knowing that what I was so excited and relieved might help me was doing the opposite. I really did want to panic a little bit, because having no control has been a recurring theme as of late. It's very humbling.
+And, in the humility was finally the reminder that I was never in control anyways. "This is where I am," I thought. And I just kept saying it to myself. "I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing." And, when I went back to my class and watched a bunch of 6 year olds just so into their creative little works, I thought about how sad I felt to not be "with it" enough these days to really engage with them like I should. I mean, I'm doing my job, but not with the same passion. But I remembered again, "This is exactly where I am supposed to be." And really, although so much of me hates, hates, hates this, it is. Exactly.
+The meds, by the way, I was given yesterday for these chronic, debilitating headaches I've been having. I've had a handful of migraines in the past, but have never gotten medicine because I've never had a consistent issue. Then, I started getting "migraines" that wouldn't go away, that were really kicking my youknowwhat. Thought it was a migraine from the hormonal changes of said toomah or something to do with sinuses, but the dr said it sounded a lot like cluster headaches. Huh. I had heard those, but thought they were only the ones you hear about that are supposed to be unspeakably painful (think: screaming in public). Some say it's the most severe pain known to medicine; mine are not like tickles, but man, it is nothing like what I've heard. I did a little reading, and there is a correlation between tumors like mine and these kinds of migraines.
+Maybe this will get me motivated if I end up needing what shall henceforth be referred to the "what the hell?" surgery.
+Maybe Preston needs to come lay with me.
+Or, maybe I should just be still with the drama, the uncertainty. The uncertainty was there all along. Now, my life circumstances have just highlighted what is a universal truth already; why do I act surprised?
+-says one part of me.
+The other part is feeling pretty shaken; accepting impermanence can be a b&*%$.
