has anyone seen my life balance?

I had it here, in Costa Rica. Not the most flattering picture, but man I was peaceful.

I FEEL pretty peaceful now...however, I'm so into my work-- which is such a happy place-- that I seem to have forgotten that I have a whole life to balance.

looking...I'll be around once I find it, at least a little bit.

I've been listening to Pema in the mornings. Wow. My students really should write her thankyou cards; she makes me much more peaceful...I hope my students feel my room is a place of peace...

There I go again, back to work...I hope my HOME feels peaceful-- I hope I do things like read for fun, drink wine in the bath tub, be creative and have lots of coffees with friends. I hope I'm in tuned with my intentions, with the effect my actions have on others...Are they better or worse off for knowing me?

I've learned to love living in Dallas, but please don't let me "become" Dallas, leaving the simple things behind for a world of work, drive, work, drive, work...

I've imposed a "work" limit on myself starting this week, and I feel better already...but I'm still not quite right...

"Yessssssss"

+i have a passion for food + for some reason taking pictures of my meals+ here, we have veggie burger with edamame + v8 + mmmmm +

'Tis the sound of 2nd grade. Holy crap, I wasn't sure I would like it as much as older kids, but let me just tell you: Hill.ar.i.ous. This is my favorite job I've ever had, easy...I know it's early, but when you know, you know, right? I just get such a kick out of them...So far, as a new class, we've mostly been working on establishing all of our routines, but next week we're going to get into some of our enrichment stations (extra content practice, along with music, drama and visual arts stations) on Friday. Second graders do things like this: When I introduced myself, I sat them down on the carpet and said among other things, "First, I want to tell you a little about myself."

A sea of "yesssssss" es.

"Holy crap," I thought to myself, "This is going to be EASY!"

And it has been, but it's been hard, too...only in a good stress way, though.

So, that's why I haven't been around; I've been doing something new, learning how to teach short people. My classroom makes me happy...I leave with MORE energy. It is a HUGE breath of fresh air! I.LOVE.IT. so much I almost feel guilty. My commute is about 15 minutes, although it's just 4 miles away...I drive right through down town every morning...such a pretty time of year to drive downtown, with all the lights. Ahhh, new love.

I listened to Buddhist nun Pema Chodron some this morning, and I'm listening now. Inspiring. It's so hard to stay abreast of our actual intentions and our true drives. Love vs attachment is hard for me, or more, love without attachment. One thing that I've been working with, especially as a liberal, is having a peaceful spirit and nonjudging spirit instead of the sense of superior morality that can come so easily. This seems to go hand in hand with connectedness....Chodron said, "We proceed as if we are separate from everyone else, when we are all the same. We waste time exaggerating, romanticizing, belittling ourselves…" Like most people, I tend to prefer to sort people into piles of "us" and "them," which I've come to believe (and sometimes follow through on) isn't an accurate picture of what things really are. My old boss/principal used to just say, "we're all just people." Yes.

Vivid dreams lately, some fantastical, some sad, I wonder if it means anything.

watched youknowwhats never grow

Man, it's not fair how good today has been. First, it's been really beautiful today. Inspirational weather. I love the smell of fall. I love the mums. Apple cider. Wassail. The fact that there is a community pumpkin event coming up, to raise money for local kids who need it. I love seeing special little fall-themed desserts like apple tarts with caramel drizzle and sugar cookies painted into cream cheese frosting pumpkins at the store. Knowing I'll get to see all my family again at Thanksgiving. We all get together, like 30 or 40 of us, every Thanksgiving at my grandma's. We do things like play spoons, a dangerous game. We eat, and my midwestern relatives ask if I'm still a vegetarian, and it gets on my nerves for a split second until I realize what a waste that is. We walk around the pond, sit on the dock. Last year, I rummaged through a familiar suitcase which still held the dolls I played with as a little girl. They really feel like mine alone, but in a huge extended family, they've gone through more hair dressers than a Las Vegas drag queen. The barbie I couldn't find but really wanted to was the one's whose youknowwhats grew when you twisted her arm; anyone else have Growing Up Skipper? I think she stuck around until too many preteen girls sprained their arms trying to grow some of their own, and then Gloria Steinam barbie came along and beat everyone up with a fish and a bicycle.

Thinking of b**by barbie makes me think of all the strange mythologies your (okay, mine) family feeds you when you're a kid. My great grandma used to tell me that breasts grew when "they've been played with by boys." What?!

Worse yet, my mom and grandma always blamed my trips and falls on my angel....Your "angel" will make you do things like fall and stub your toe after you've lied or talked back...which lead me to basically give the finger to "my angel" growing up, instead, praying to Santa, who was always good to me.

Ah, Christmas. This is about when I start thinking about it; go ahead and judge me. I've been people watching lately. There is an energy this time of the year that floats around all of our heads; I'm not sure of the source. The holidays finally coming? Well, for me that's big. I love old Christmas films...It's a Wonderful Life...The Bishop's Wife...White Christmas. I keep meaning to order The Shop Around the Corner, the old Jimmy Stewart film off of which You've Got Mail was based. I'm thinking of fires, gloves, snow. Makes me miss Kansas...the least visited state in the union; I miss it a little right now... The people seem more simple, or their lives seem more simple at least. The fall leaves, I have to say, are far more complex. I bet the town where my husband and I met is blanketed with a tapestry of leaves hanging over the streets. I hope I always have a midwestern day-to-day life, but that also I perceive the joys in complexity.

One joy is that...I got a new job today! Title 1 school, which is all I've really experienced so far anyways..I'm going in for a MAJOR change, though, to teach second grade. Holy crap, I know. Since I entered a literacy graduate program and am interested in literacy as a social justice piece, I think it's important to see literacy at the primary level. It's weird how nervous I am!!

Another joy? Dates! Today, I made one and had one. I bought tickets to the Regina Spektor concert at the House of Blues in Dallas; this will make a great date. But seriously, it would be a "mature" day for growing up skipper. Husband date was fun, and now he is sleeping next to me, mumbling through some sort of medical dream. He got out of school seriously early today, which NEVER happens, so we got to spend a lot of time together. Had two baily's and coffee at dinner and we saw the new Wes Anders*n film. He writes the weirdest stories; I love it. I love the music he chooses, the aesthetics of his films, the way he makes simple moments into art. To me, it illustrates that art is in every moment...whether we see it depends on our perspecitive. I'm surprised that our westen culture accepts his films; they move slowly in a way that one is to enjoy each moment for what it is, not for the fact that you are hanging on for the plot to develop. I found myself bored at the beginning, and then I realized, "I'm not getting this. I'm expecting something else, and not appreciating what it really is."

It's so hard to be in the moment sometimes...I've been trying to appreciate and soak up where I am, whatever I'm doing...so today when I left the movie, I decided to take a look at the piano which was sitting, small and simply unadorned, outside the theater. As it turns out, it was the "Imagine" piano, on which John Lennon composed one of the most influential songs of all time! Who knew?! I took some pictures of it; maybe I'll upload them later...but the important thing I that I would not have even experienced this little piece of history if I had simply been on my way somewhere...I was in it for the moment, and it was a good one. A day full of good moments.

sedation 101

Haven't been blue or anything; I have, however, been feeling generally uninspired, which is why I haven't been around here much. I've poked my head around my regular reads, and it seems I'm not the only one who hasn't been feeling the updating vibe. I wish I would sign up for more of those artistic prompt websites like Self Portrait Challenge, Inspire Me Thursday, etc. I guess what I'm saying is I'm in need of some inspiration.

Costa Rica inspires me; that's why I posted this rainforest picture I captured on my honeymoom. Aren't these beautiful? If you've been to CR, you know this plant is no anomaly. I think it's some sort of bromeliad (pineapple cousin)...which, if you are a secret life sciences nerd like me, you know that bromeliads are the plant in the rainforest in which poison dart frogs lay their eggs. The rainforest is like a caricature for life; deep, humbling contrasts such as the shimmery reds and yellows of a tropical flower to the deadly tadpole that lies within its leaves...The great kapok tree to the tiny, insignificant people who stand in its wonder.

Speaking of insignificant in the scheme of things...Long story short, my "great new job" didn't work out. Don't worry, no one was fired by anyone, I left them, everyone's on good terms with everybody and nobody's mad at anybody. Nothing I should be sharing on even a mostly anonymous blog, so the short story is that I'm in a well-planned job search...meaning I'm financially prepared to wait several months in order to find the place where I really need to be. I don't regret going to the job where I was, and I don't regret leaving either. I followed my bliss, and now I just need to hold on. What is hard now is that I am in a waiting place...You remember the waiting place from Dr. Suess (Oh the Places You'll Go)...

"...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting."

Pretty surprising that my life (all of our lives, really) seems to be following a Dr. Suess story, bc I believe it hasn't been long since I referred to myself as being in Dr. Suess's "slump," or something like that. I've read ahead in this book, and it gets good in the end, so I guess it's all okay.

My point is that waiting is hard for me...bc it is vulnerability. I just want to 'fish or cut bait' with everything. Everything. I guess everyone is that way a little, at least. I've grown a little concerned about my issues with vulnerability, though, b/c I've realized it's more ubiquitous than I thought...


So, I tried to entertain the thought of, well, sharing my life in that way (not that this would matter for YEARS anyways), and I felt freaked.the.youknowwhat.out. One of the first thoughts that scared the youknowwhat out of me was that if I did have kids, I should have at least four, bc then the handicapped one would get taken care of by the others. WHY am I assuming I'd have a handicapped kid, like my brother? How shameful is it that I would almost not have kids just bc I would be so afraid of having one like him? You know what's interesting...My dad (who has been through WAY more than me) totally did this. He went through the humility, heart break and heart warming roller coaster that is caring for Tyler, and he went on to have two other kids, knowing either or both of them could have ended up just like Tyler. The thought makes my heart beat in my throat, and then there's the guilt from thinking it in the first place. There's a good chance that I was dead on the whole time with the kid thing, but I feel I owe it to myself to be more alive, to scrutinize my intentions.
No special ending, really....the thought is really as incomplete as it seems.

*****
Cross your fingers for me that the teaching job will come along again, though...I miss it desperately. Ironically, it is the humility, the right conditions for spiritual growith, that I love so much about teaching. I don't know if I mentioned this, but I decided not to do the social work master's and went for literacy specialist instead, which I am loving. As it turns out, and as I believe it is for many educators, teaching IS my social work. Teaching.has.my.soul. I think other jobs will probably have my soul someday, but now I know teaching is where I need to be. I truly miss it right now, in an " I could cry" sort of way. More than anything, i'm just feeling blessed to know that there is something out there that I truly love to do and that pays my bills AND leaves me feeling incredibly blessed (sometimes through clouds of stress) at the same time.

truthfully, i...

...am one of the last Lisa Loeb fans. Hence the title. I like to sing to her songs, I have a tiny girl crush on her, and I wish I had her glasses.
...need to clean my house. Observe clutter in photos.
...sometimes turn on the hand dryer when I leave a restroom that I only went into to primp and therefore had no reason to wash my hands (and didn't)- but I didn't want anyone to think I, you know, went and didn't wash 'em. Wow, that's a little crazy.
...am a little crazy.
...share a birthday with my husband (really). He turns 31 Thursday. Me, 28.
...am not getting Invisilign inspite of my quite imperfect teeth, partly because of how endearing I think Tori Amos' crooked imperfect teeth are.
...am already listening to Christmas jazz music.
...LOOOOOOVE the fall and love fall themed things, like the pumpkin spice latte at S-bucks.

...like to walk through Nieman Marcus because it smells good.
...wish I could wear expensive clothes from Anthropologie, because I think they are walking ART. I feel kind of bad for wanting these expensive clothes; it's against my values, really...but, they are so pretty.
...get older and stupider. Or wiser, in a way, bc I was always this stupid but now I KNOW. Sometimes I think, "what else don't I know?"
...impersonated Cartman to a group of students the other day. They were so surprised I could do it that they almost fell off their chairs.
...am a little embarassed at how gratifying it is to be able to impersonate a South Park character.
...have started downloading tv shows off itunes. The lineup: Sarah Silverman, Weeds, Scrubs. I watch them when I exercise.
...I feel kind of bad for liking to watch Sarah Silverman's show, bc I don't think I'd like her in person...a little too over the top mean...the kind of mean that makes you think you actually could end up youknowwhere just by knowing her.

Let me see that tootsie roll

Labor Day Weekend: Fountain
Labor Day Weekend: Another Fountain
Labor Day Weekend: Fountain AND Preston and Tyler watching B walk away. Keep in mind that I'm behind them, perfectly interesting, snapping this photo...but they don't care, b/c they are all about B. Story of my life, people. (and by people, I mean 3 people...and that's okay!)
Here is Tyler rocking out to ACDC. This boy loves music, and he loves it to be rock. I tried to force Frank Sinatra on him shortly before this photo was taken, and he basically rolled his eyes at me. Here, he is in his true element.

You know, Tyler has always loved guitar. My dad plays guitar like a pro, and he always used to (and still does) play for my brother. Tyler used to scoot himself across the floor to wherever the guitar was, secret giggles bursting out as he approaches his acoustic island. Digging his teeth deeply into the edge of the body of the guitar (yes, my dad let him do this. sacrificial love.), he would reach his hand up and strum the strings, giggling as the sensation of the vibrations moved through his body. He would just sit there and drool over this guitar, just cracking up in contagious laughter. And my dad would let him do this, even though eventually the entire body of his guitar was lined with tooth marks like a nervous kid's number 2 pencil. My dad and T are best buds. One of the hardest thing for all of us was when it was time for Tyler to move to a group home.

Don't worry, we're all fine now. And obviously Tyler and I are fine, b/c we get to rock out to "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap."

*Also debuting in photo is new-to-me 1950's couch/hide-a-bed I bought on Craigslist. Moving it into the apartment was a serious threat to our marriage, but we made it through...Heavy-ass furniture makes me so mad, not to mention I have a problem with falling into a hysterical fit of laughter for no reason other than that it's a terrible time to laugh.

p.s. Lauren: A Tico breakfast is rice and beans, eggs and black coffee. Sometimes pineapple. Costa Rican's nicknamed themselves "Tico's," apparently b/c in their dialect, they tend to end words with "tico" as a suffix. Can I recall any such words? Uh, no. But that IS what I heard. Costa Rica is a special place, slow and simple life, beautiful and complex surroundings. More biodiversity than anywhere else in the world. And they gave up their army years ago for...education! They have one of the highest literacy rates in the world, although they are far from rich. I think you'd love it there, I really do. Maybe we could be neighbors?

Three Happy Moments

B's aunt and I both glowing b/c we had just eaten breakfast on a table set of a different set/kind of china for each person. People, I don't even like china; this was just fun, though. It throws aside all that I hate about china! Instead of having to have all out annoying perfection, every setting is unique, probably left over from some set somewhere with missing pieces...We each picked the set we liked the most...and ate fresh blueberry pancakes on china, in our pajama's.
Triple spooning. Best Buds. Not posed.
A Tico breakfast. Costa Rican, that is. This is pretty much what I have for breakfast each morning. Mmmmmm. I can't tell you why I like to photograph my food. Oh, and don't judge me for the paper plate. Full dishwasher. I actually really like the earth.

your name + ness

+light+impermanence+being present (the fountain from another angle)

Several weeks ago, I found myself browsing through old keepsakes and photos; I found something that I didn't expect. In the photos, letters, etc., from six or seven years ago I was a different person than I am today, in a way I couldn't identify....and I don't mean different in a better way, but lacking something somehow. I'm smarter now. I feel more spiritually developed now. My career is going better, my friendships are deeper, my romantic relationship is going better...but something is totally missing, and I haven't been able to figure out what it is...

My husband helped me put a name to my mystery. "You've lost your ness," he said. From You, Me & Dupree....you know, your name + ness...what makes you the essense of you.

"You're right. The heck. I've lost my ness."

So, like Peter Pan and his elusive shadow, I sat out to find my ness. Like 'shadow,' it's right here, I know it, but I can't quite seem to pin it down.

I talked to my journal about it. I talked to my dog. Then, I talked to my friend, L, who was a good enough friend to nervously say, "Do you think it could be the weight? That you're not as healthy, as fit as you were?" This may seem crazy, but I hadn't thought of that. Even my dog is more happy and energetic when he sheds extra pounds. I am careful to regard the spirit's effect on the body, I said to L...but I seldom think of the body's effect upon the spirit...My body is my spirit's medium in this lifetime. If I do not care for it, that is all the less it may express itself in the beauty of the human spirit. Chalk one up for L. She moved up a notch in my book for being real, for the quality of her heart, her intent. That is a piece of the puzzle, for sure. I think I still have some sleuthing to do, though.

Among the nostalgic evidence four paragraphs up were lots of pictures, of a thinner me, of course...about 40 lb thinner, but I was more vain too, and what a lot of people didn't know is that my fake nails and 8 different colors of highlights and fancy make up were adding up to credit card debt I wasn't prepared to pay for on a student income...So, yes, I was prettier (to the point that when people see my old id, they say, "that IS NOT you!" (Thanks), but inside I knew I was living a lie, sort of...

Also among my findings were the reminders of one of the strangest experiences I've had....a series of letters and a song/poem written to me by a man who fell in love with me, sort of from afar, when I was about 20. He was much older, probably between 30 and 35. I didn't know he was in love with me for a very long time, but I knew that for weeks roses and short poems were being anonymously left on my car, and once at work I received anonymous flowers with the message, "You are cared for." He did not act creepy, never pressured me in any way, and did not mention his romantic feelings for me except in a packet he once gave me with a letter and a song for me as well as a song he had written for his young daughter. Honestly, his feeling freaked me out, and I started avoiding him some. I just wasn't mature enough to handle it well.

Steve (that's his name) was in chemotherapy at the time. He had just gone through a divorce, and was working at Applebee's for some unknown reason, even though he had previously taught junior college music courses. His daughter had been recently whisked away to another state, and here he was alone, no more career, living with cancer...He felt like he had fallen off the top of the world, that he had lost his creativity, his life force, his essence, his smile. Among other things, you might say his "ness."

What so attracted him to me, he said, was all of the life I had in me. And I did. I shined with life back then. With hope for the future, great idealistic hope...with poetry and nature and health and vitality. I thrived.

The rest of the Steve story is almost unbelievable. Steve finished chemo, no evidence of cancer. Shortly after, he was driving home from visiting his little girl, and a semi-truck swirved into his lane.

Paralyzed, they said. But luck, or what you want to call it, had it's way with Steve again. He would be able to walk, but with pain and extensive rehabilitation. Standing would be like having a knife in his spine. Walking would be as a newly born foal.

In the mean time, he comes back to Applebee's to cook quesadillas and Tequila lime chicken as soon as he is barely able, although he can scarcely walk and should be considered disabled...something about red tape, beauracracy.

One day, Steve passes me a quesadilla or salad or something for my table, and he says he has good news, for once. "I won my law suit (from the trucking co). 4 million dollars (or something like it). I'm quitting."

Shortly after, I moved to finish my degree. I lost touch with Steve. Several months later a mutual friend of ours tracked me down to say that Steve had taken him and others to concerts all over the country, that he had shared his millions with compassion and lightness. That he was full of life. And that his cancer had come back fast and strong. He was gone.

I wonder what Steve would say about the irony; he had a unique life perception. I wonder if his daughter has a copy of the poem her dad wrote for her, which is sitting in my room. My dad, who is usually reserved, once wrote me a special poem, tucked away secretly behind a framed picture he had given me...I found it years later, a secret testament of his love for HIS daughter.

It's hard to get back to discussing "my ness" now that I've gone off into these trails of seriousness, but that is where I'm hopefully headed on my life's path. balance. creating. light. love. peace. compassion. ness.

This silly blog has helped some already, believe it or not. It's a place for me to create again, to muster a little bit of creativity that I might not otherwise take the time for, to synthesize the universe's lessons to me and put it out there for few people who are my blogging world, adding that spice of vulnerability that is medicine for my soul.

+balance+beauty+ (crane at creek, hunting for fish)

ophelia

My new favorite (always changing) musician is all around general bad-ass India Aire. If you like the message of Maya Angelou's poetic words, you might really like this. Her lyrics are absolutely spiritual...medicine for the collective soul of our culture. A message of female empowerment--that it's okay to 'just be.' I want to play it all day into the ears of American young ladies, young girls go though so much- and women, too, for that matter. Our souls are damaged, clouded by the unforgiving way our culture judges our bodies. I say I don't buy into the aesthetic pressures Western culture puts on women, the microderm abrasion, name brand clothers, but the fact is, I do...So, what I'm saying is that these lyrics- all of her lyrics- are good for my soul. I encourage anyone who hasn't to download some India. Need some help choosing? Try: I Choose, There's Hope, I Am Not My Hair, Wings of Forgiveness)

India Aire - Video Lyrics


Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won't
Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie

When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be
And I know our creator didn't make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes; I'm lovin' what I see

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the
india arie

Am I less of a lady if I don't wear pantyhose?
My mama said a lady ain't what she wears but, what she knows
But, I've drawn a conclusion, it's all an illusion, confusion's the name of the
game
A misconception, a vast deception
Something's gotta change
but,Don't be offended this is all my opinion
ain't nothing that I'm sayin law
This is a true confession of a life learned lesson I was sent here to share with
y'all
So get in where you fit in go on and shine
Clear your mind, now's the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
'Cuz everything's gonna be all right

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie

Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks
I don't need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive car and your caviar
All I need is my guitar
Keep your Kristal and your pistol
I'd rather have a pretty piece of crystal
Don't need your silicone I prefer my own
What God gave me is just fine

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be india arie

things i like...

morning dew.
dense vegetation.
sleepy dog-friend.

a morning ritual

Last year (academic year, that is...teacher talk), I usually woke up at 4:30, a few times 4, and a couple of times even 3:30. As a new teacher, I was so unbelievably over the top stressed and overwhelmed with obligations that this is just when I started my day. I started in on lesson planning, then grading, then lesson planning, then organizing, then lesson planning. Oh, and lesson planning. Of course, eventually I opted for some sanity and set some boundaries here and there...I integrated 10-15 minutes of yoga/meditation into my morning, I set some limits on when I would be willing to work on work outside of, well, work. But as a perfectionist, or more of a failed perfectionist, what I hadn't done to the level I wanted ate at me like crazy. I just couldn't seem to compartmentalize, and I seldom felt truly relaxed, always thinking that there could be a way I could have researched more and made my lessons more creative, engaging. Don't misunderstand, it was a WONDERFUL job that touched me in so many ways and humbled my soul...but for right now, I'm somewhere else, and it is the place for me to be...

Enter new job. What time do I wake up? 4:30. But, people (or person, as the case may have it), it is a whole new 4:30 around here! I ride my exercise bike, journal, drink tea, listen to my "World Flutes" cd...and my favorite part is that Preston the Dog and I have our little morning ritual at the courtyard. He runs around sniffing things and peeing all over. I journal, or I just sit and watch the fountain. Starting my days like this, how could a day turn bad??

Maybe best not to pull at that string.

But still, my days are great. I love my new job in ways that I cannot even put into words. It is the people. The students- I didn't know if I would like high school students, but they already have my heart...and honestly, they are less work than middle school kids by about a million. (Not saying I'll never go back. I'm one of those people who wants to teach everything, all subjects, all ages.) The school is designed for students who have dropped out or are at high risk (the top reasons for dropping out are parenthood, having to support self financially and having to take care of someone at home), and it's just such a special mission that it attracts co-workers who are altruistic-minded indivuduals. These co-workers are some of the most inspiring people I have ever met, ever. I share a room with a few other teachers (the nature of Special Education), and was worried about it...but, these women are medicine for my soul! Each one is strong and unique in their own way, and real in ways that I (or most people that I've met!) had never dared to be. I feel like I laugh all day, work hard, and come home happy and emotionally relaxed.

So, to sum it up, we've got fountains, dogs, laughter and I just found out that the lowest calorie pastry at starbucks is the old fashioned doughnut...pinch me, people.

There is one woman I work with, from an African country, who responds to "how are you" with, "I'm blessed. How are you?" I'm blessed, too.

And corny. Seriously. The old me would really hate me.

on the edge of...something.

I was at the creek one day when the water was too low to flow over this dam; instead, a couple of turtles sat precariously on the edge, basking in the sun and one another's company. I remember looking away and thinking how presumptious I was being for worrying about the turtles' balance as they rested above the 25 foot drop: animals know what they need and how to care for themselves. Or so it seemed. When I returned my glance, there was just one turtle. Inspite of my grisly accident-scene visions, the falling turtle was fine, sauntering around the still, shallow water at the bottom of the creek. This blew my mind a little, the fact that unless the other turtle falls, the two turtles (who could have been best friends?) might not ever see eachother again. One day, they're sitting warmly on the edge of their world...the next, one has moved on to another world entirely. Animal and insect experiences have always blown my mind a little, in the way that they make an easy analogy to the human experience...we think everything is such a big deal, that each of our lives is it's own huge, especially important big deal...Do animals and insects have a similar perspective? There is the spider who loses his web, his life's work, when I mistakenly catch it on the handles of my bicycle. To me, it is an insignificant event. Does the spider think, like a human might, "there is a greater purpose in this." Or, "God must be punishing me for eating that fly." Does he read, "Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good Spiders?" I don't really have a point. I guess it's just that when I think about an animal's perspective, it makes me think about how absolutely tiny I actually am. And that's okay.

I'm on an edge of change, too, as I have been for awhile. Tomorrow, I start a new job. In only a couple of weeks, I start the actual classes for my master's. B starts his third week of medical school tomorrow. There is some anxiety, but it is for fear of the unknown, which is just a natural response. Things are changing and changing, as things do. The little pleasures have been feeling especially poignant: celebrating my friend's birthday at a candle-lit dinner with wine and friends at a warm, welcoming Greek restaurant where the Greek owner cooks the meal herself and begs you to try to most authentic items; going to see Harry Potter with my 12-year old brother last night and sitting in the front; eating vegetarian tacos & red wine with my husband for dinner tonight; reading before bed.

Yes, it's a doggie water fountain.

I never noticed this dog water fountain by the creek, probably b/c my dog jumps right in, ingesting copius amounts of urban creek pollution as he has his fun. I didn't take him to the creek as much this summer as I wish I would have; but, it's still warm, and we'll still get to go!

Tomorrow is my last day of summer vacation. I wasn't supposed to start for two weeks, but I have a new position, so I have to go back early. Still teaching, but special education now, and less than 2 miles from my front door! Two miles, people. I'm so excited. I loved (after learning to love!) my last job, but I really wanted to be in my community. So, now I am! I think I might end up with a lot less take-home, since I won't be planning lessons or taking my own grades (it's like a resource position)...so, this is good since I'm working on my master's and trying like hell to actually be able to communicate in Spanish.

B and I are still married (tongue in cheek), by the way; medical school is keeping him very busy, but not above and beyond what we anticipated. We just have to be sure to plan in the time and hold to it. I'm a person who loves tons of alone time, finding my balance in the solitude, so I'm doing pretty well (some people say it's actually harder on the spouse, bc they are the one waiting around for someone else), b/c to me it has just cut down on our non-quality time together and intensified our actual quality time. It's a fun challenge. We spend time studying together, too. We go to Panera (they just built one by our house!), and I practice the Rosetta Stone Spanish while he learns about cell biology: both VERY useful!

I'm going to miss my dog when I go back to work. We've spent so much time together this summer, mostly cuddling, honestly; he is a spooner. Good news is, my new job is so close that I can drop Preston off at doggie daycare across the street in the morning so that he gets some playing and some time off from being tortured by the cat.

Sometimes when I look over ramblings like these, I think my life seems so boring: spooning with the dog, sitting at Panera, the untold pleasures of the dog water fountain at the creek, etc. And, I'm so thankful for all of these simple pleasures.

if i could be wasting my time with you

Two years ago today, we were here, honeymooning in Costa Rica. Also known as future home. Really. Two years ago yesterday, we barely remember because it went so fast. Ah, weddings. Sometime I'll tell you about how someone started with a toast about how when B met me I swore I would never give in to the social construct of marriage, which is true. Well, true that I said that. Obviously I gave in. And, it has been great. I believe our relationship would have been great marriage or no marriage; however, there is something good and unanticipated that comes with the committment, and I'm not even sure if I can put it into words.

First of all, let's just get something out of the way: B and I danced to Phish's "Waste" for our wedding dance. Not exactly the usual timeless choice, I know. Go ahead and make fun; I'd do it too. Honestly, though, it was fitting. Here are some moments (good and bad) we have happily "wasted" together since we made it official...
...getting married at my favorite place: grandma's pond
...our labrador's debut as a groomsman (although B secretly considers him best man)
...Relaxing in the hot springs of La Fortuna, Costa Rica; relaxing rivers and streams heated by the Arenal Volcano
...Zip lining through the rainforest!
...protesting the war & the state marriage amendment together (which means being flipped off by people with pickup trucks together)
...B joined me in vegetarianism...I did NOT coerce him, promise.
...B making it through the MCAT (and scoring above 90th percentile!!!). We both deserve a high five for making it through this, as he turned into a mad scientist for several weeks. He thought only in math and science, which is not very romantic. Also, I don't believe he showered quite frequently enough.
...moving to Dallas, and spending HOURS and HOURS sitting outside in the terrace, relaxing.
...Spending time with my little bro and B together. My little bro LOVES B and even follows him around in his wheelchair some.
...Making it through my first year teaching
...Becoming members of a hot yoga studio
...Studying family systems together, which has done worlds for our relationship!
...Studying Buddhism together, which has done worlds for our spirits.

When I look back over our past, most of the exciting things we've done were before we got married, like white water rafting and ski trips with best friends...my first trip to New York...camping for two weeks in Austin and San Antonio...canoing, kayaking, rock climbing, etc, etc...but really, just like with friendships, the best times are the little times. With my friends, that has usually meant just hours and hours in coffee houses or at lunch. With B, it's the dinners that we make together, our secret shame of going out to eat, and the ability to sit at a book store for an ungodly number of hours.

And now, we approach a couple more life changes. Next week, B starts medical school. We are both excited and yet a little afraid. It is one of those things in which you pretty much know that you'll be fine, but wonder, "what if?" In a way, we feel like we're saying goodbye for awhile, and it's sad. We're soaking one another up this week; we've decared this week "vacation at home." I know there are bigger problems in the world, but in our little corner (rincon pequeno, you see, my spanish is getting better!), this is the thought of the day. Our relationship has grown leaps and bounds in the past six months, even, and I think we've come to both appreciate how blessed we feel to share something so special. It is not all scary; I've got plenty to keep me busy. I'll have a new job (more on that later, still teaching! It's good news.), and am working on my master's (I got in to the Master's of Social Work program, yeah). I'm going to visit a best friend in New Jersey in a couple of weeks...and, I keep saying I'll get more involved with local politics/activism. I've already found a local organization I love (see Central Dallas Ministries link!); I just need to get started. Maybe I can finally show Barack how much I love him, too. B and I have lots of ideas for how we'll safeguard our relationship during the next eight (yes, eight!) years of craziness. We know we'll be okay, but we also know we'll miss eachother.

This moment (below) is important to me for other reasons. Although I was not your typical bride and honestly felt a little coerced (although I did end up having the best day!) into the whole traditional wedding thing by my VERY excited mother (and believe it or not, my husband, who later changed his mind and tried to go back in time to elope), I did have a little wedding stressor, which was that the tent guy forgot the sides to the little tent. This is actually sort of an important tent, b/c it's where you're supposed to hang out with your wedding party until you walk down the isle. My girlfriends/bridesmaids and a couple of special cousins actually constructed some sides out of tulle and clothes pins. Then, they surprised me with mimosas (I had mentioned in passing I could use one- like I said, not a good bride. Then, they went around a circle making individual toasts. I get goose bumps thinking about it... I make AMAZING friends. Amazing.

And I know you're dying for the lyrics to Waste...

Dont want to be an actor pretending on the stage
Dont want to be a writer with my thoughts out on the page
Dont want to be a painter cause everyone comes to look
Dont want to be anything where my lifes an open book

A dream its true
But Id see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you

Dont want to be a farmer working in the sun
Dont want to be an outlaw always on the run
Dont want to be a climber reaching for the top
Dont want to be anything where I dont know when to stop

A dream its true
But Id see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you

So if Im inside your head
Dont believe what you might have read
Youll see what I might have said
To hear it

Come waste your time with me
Come waste your time with me

So if Im inside your head
Dont believe what you might have read
Youll see what I might have said
To hear it

Come waste your time with me

When I dip, you dip, we dip.

Here are some little green flowers that lived on my table for awhile. I like to keep fresh flowers around, and my favorite flowers are casa blanca lillies. About a month ago, I found out that these are *DEADLY* to cats. You know, I remember that friends episode where Phoebe mentions this, but I just thought it was one of those random things Phoebe would say...turns out I am very nearly a cat killer. So, here are my new flowers. Actually, they are dead now, and I am on to some pretty greenish roses. Anyways, I had to photo shop it a little, because I took the pix from far away, and it was grainy when I brought it close up.

I have been tagged by Draco to say 7 quirky things about myself. I've already done this 'tag' in the past, but I think I have enough quirky things to go around, so here are 7 MORE quirky things about moi:

1. To me, animals are just as important as people. I know this screams in the face of many religions that say human life is sacred above all others, but it is the way I feel, that ALL life is sacred. I think we are monkeys...but I love monkeys, so take it as a complement. The picture is of my cat looking human, with a book page (not sure which book, either something Buddhism or something Family Systems) and a soy chai latte (which my husband taught me to make...yum!).
2. I am addicted, and I mean addicted to watching Friends dvd's. My friend JoAnne watches them in order, but I just get stuck on one dvd for awhile, and then move on to another. I wish all of my friends lived in my apartment building and that we didn't work regular work weeks so that we could drink coffee together all day.
3. When I am over the top stressed about work, I sit my mini-dvd player on the side of the bath tub and watch "You've Got Mail" while I drink hot tea and soak it all away.
4. I love to listen to Bach but not Mozart...Mozart feels stressy to me, but Bach seems calming & centering.
5. I seem to constantly crave vinegar...I love salt and vinegar chips, vegetarian buffalo wings (b/c of the vinegar in the sauce), and I love to put tons of vinegar in my chili. Last week, I made chili just so I could eat some vinegar.
6. Sometimes I wake up in the morning to this "spooning pattern," listed from outside to inside: Husband, me, dog, cat. I feel like I have so much love in my home and sometimes can't even believe how lucky we all are for all of this peace. My dog is cuddling with me right now. :)
7. I have an unbelievably short attention span, although I've worked hard to extend it. I used to fall asleep at movies, b/c it was just too long to maintain my attention. I've overcome it, but I still don't have the attention stamina for bowling....I think there should be something like speed bowling for people like me, where you play 5 frames, then go play a game of skee ball, then have a beer w/ interesting conversation, then maybe the other 5 frames. Long conversations always hold my attention, though. My friend Candice and I use to sit for four or five hours at the coffee shop having all kind of scandalous conversations. I miss that. I feel like it is harder to find people willing to slow down here in Dallas; everyone seems on their way to something. Also related, I can't read just one book at a time: always at least 3.

I tag anyone who feels like it.

are you ready for cheesy?

I read today that if you were to open a cocoon, you would pretty much just find ugly mush inside; isn't that weird? I like it, though. I feel kind of like mush now, not mush as in despondent or hopeless, just as in some things are more fuzzy, less clearly-defined, which is okay...but, I really believe the outcome will be better than- oh God the annoyingness of this metaphor- being a caterpillar. Change is always a little scary, but tell me it isn't better to fly than to be a catterpillar? And, here's a picture of a moth I made friends with at the creek.

How much can you lose? How much can you win?

(walk way by my house, what the ants see maybe)

9/07/08: This used to be a fabulous, yet personal post! Thanks to my little blogger friends for helping me work through it. Removed from site, because I have "the fear!" :)

self-portrait challenge: elements

July's self-portrait challenge is elements. July is the first month I've participated in self portrait challenge. The above photo is of me, reflected in water.

The element which brings me solace is water. My most vivid memories of water are of the quaint, still pond at my grandmother's rural home on the Kansas plains. Like a lot of rural families, we lived on her property, so I guess it was my back yard, too. My mom worked nights, and being in the country (with no friends near by) meant a lot (and I mean A LOT) of alone time for me. I came to find so much solace in this time, and in a way it became my very best friend and still is. Much of this time was spent sitting out on the dock, teasing the water with my dangling legs. Swimming with my cousins + aunts, fishing for dinner (yes, I kow how to clean a cat fish, but I don't know if I'd have the stamina for it now), laying on the sand, setting up a slip-n-slide from the top of the bank down into the water, swimming with my dog, making out with my high school boyfriend...It is my favorite place in the world. I got married there. I've told my husband that I'd like my ashes there, if I should go first. To me, the pond, water, represent solitude...and solitude is where I've found the answer for almost every question I've ever had. I don't have a pond in my yard now, but I love to sit by a fountain in our building courtyard and write in my journal. When I take the time, I love to sit by the creek near our house, my journal and my dog.

at the dam

Here is a picture of a crane that I took at the dam near my house. Had a little too much fun with photo shop; looks a little scary now. :)

inspire me thursday: light

I've been meaning to participate in Inspire Me Thursday for a long time. Now, I've had so much fun with the camera that I can't decide what photo to submit for this week's topic: light.

Today, I took this photo this afternoon while hanging outside with my dog. I chose this photo above the others I was considering because it had the most pleasing look sans photo shop. I like the way the light plays off of the water droplets.

Wanna be inspired? Go to www.inspiremethursday.com

In minor ways we differ, in major we're the same

My last post got me to thinking a little more about Maya Angelou's words on the human condition. I decided to post her beautiful poem. The picture is one I took at the creek today. I think it is fitting, except that they are ducks.

Human Family, by Maya Angelou
I note the obvious differences
in the human family.
Some of us are serious,
some thrive on comedy.

Some declare their lives are lived
as true profundity,
and others claim they really live
the real reality.

The variety of our skin tones
can confuse, bemuse, delight,
brown and pink and beige and purple,
tan and blue and white.

I've sailed upon the seven seas
and stopped in every land,
I've seen the wonders of the world
not yet one common man.

I know ten thousand women
called Jane and Mary Jane,
but I've not seen any two
who really were the same.

Mirror twins are different
although their features jibe,
and lovers think quite different thoughts
while lying side by side.

We love and lose in China,
we weep on England's moors,
and laugh and moan in Guinea,
and thrive on Spanish shores.

We seek success in Finland,
are born and die in Maine.
In minor ways we differ,
in major we're the same.

I note the obvious differences
between each sort and type,
but we are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.

We are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.

We are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.

we are family.

My brother came to visit a couple of weeks ago, and we all had the best time. (He's coming again this weekend) I think he had fun. We cooked out, and Tyler got to get his "roll on", rolling his wheelchair all over the courtyard; it is not usual for him to get that much freedom, one of the downfalls of a handicap like this.

Other than the fact that we refuse to live in the suburbs (you either get this or you don't), finding something that worked well for our special situation was probably the biggest factor in the apartment/community that we chose to live in. I wanted something that was obviously handicap accessible (which is not as common as you may think), and then I also wanted a really safe neighborhood where I wouldn't be worried to take him for walks alone. You might be surprised how vulnerable you feel when it's you and then a 170lb individual who is 100% wheelchair dependent. It was different when I could lift him on my own; now that he's outgrown me, not so much. I also wanted a place with a great courtyard, so that we could let him do his own thing, something he hardly ever gets to do. So, yes, we pay too much and it is a giant step up from the 300 sq ft basement apt we had back in KS, but it is worth every penny.

It is good for me, too, expands my mind some. I used to be such a judger of people who wanted conventional things (fancy schmancy cars, boob jobs), and let me tell you, my neighborhood is full of that. But, who am I to judge? Worse than any 'judgee,' I can tell you that. True, I have the most fun in like-minded company, but, like the Maya Angelou said, "We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike." How can I want peace, yet not BE peace? "Be the change you wish to see in the world," Mahatma Gandhi said. Be the peace. Even to the plasticy ones.

Anyways, it took Tyler a long time to fall asleep. He just laid there, smiling at me when I came to check on him. Usually, I don't have him spend the night, but I believe I always will from now on because it was very special. I lay with him for awhile, and ran my fingers through his hair, like I did when we were little kids. Of course, he does not speak, but he smiles when I do this. As I've mentioned before, we were separated in childhood a couple of years after our parents divorced. The summer that it happened, we both went to visit my dad, as usual, but only I returned to Kansas. Every summer I came to visit, and leaving was the hardest thing to do. I remember my dad telling me that Tyler would wheel his chair around the house, looking for me after I had gone back home. I can't tell you how much it really felt like part of my soul was missing during that time; I was so used to him needing me, and then he was gone. He still needed me, I just wasn't there. I don't know why I felt so guilty, but it was overwhelming. I remember having dreams of his funeral, and I wasn't invited. Somewhere along the way, I healed; but it was still natural for me to come to him. I think that is just what we do for family, if they need us. Sure, it's inconvenient at times. Sure, it stands in the way of some of my dreams of running off to a lesser developed country to make my life by the beach. But, maybe the new plans, the plans that life is always throwing at us, are better than what I had invisioned in my finite mind. Like Joseph Campbell said, "We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

electrolytes, underpants, apartment police

Yin and yang. The good side of the balance is that hot yoga has been going quite well! Not only can I totally make it through a class now without symptoms of heat exaustion, but the other day I did two! That's three hours of hot yoga, people! In between, I got almost a 2 hour break and a shower, but I'm hoping to be fit enough to be able to do back-to-back classes, b/c I won't have as much time for yoga once I go back to work and start my master's. I think how much better I'm doing now has something to do with being a little more fit, being more acclimated to the heat, and also that I've started drinking electrolytes during class.

Yang? I decided to delete that.

the very little I know.

I still have not wrapped my brain around this, which is why I haven't mentioned it. It is also why this will probably be short. A boy from my school died a highly publicized death last week. I did not teach him; we are a small urban middle school, though (an old building, built when middle schools were kept smaller), so everyone seems to know everyone somehow and the effects of tradgedy permeate. He died in a flood, and according to the news, as his parents and siblings watched helplessly. When my husband told me the news, the area of town where a boy had lost his life, my heart began to race. I signed into my work email for the first time this summer, selfishly pleading that it not be from my school, and especially not one of mine. Selfish, yes, but this was my auto reaction. And, when it sunk in that the child wasn't mine, I of course felt no better. Maybe because he his mine; we are all eachother's. I cannot imagine the loss felt by his family, his friends and even his teachers. Teachers love their kids fiercely; I wasn't always even aware of how strongly I felt about my students until something tapped into that well. The humbling moments. The moments that were sweet from the beginning. I remember the last day of classes, the dark cloud that floated over my lonely, child-less room...it hit me, quite suddenly, all of the times that I was not really "there," that my eyes didn't light up, that I didn't get how lucky I was (am). I guess that is what I have to offer now, which seems trite in comparison to what a family in my school community is going through...Of the little control I have, may I renew my view, my appreciation, my compassion for my students. For all people. May I see them in their best light. That is all I know for now. Peace.

Que Sarah, Sarah (link)

I've been following Sarah for about a year. Melanoma recently took her life, and I haven't really known what to say. I didn't know her well, but read her devoutely and with emotion.

If you read the comments on her blog from her husband's last post, you'll see that many people have a similar angle; it's amazing how we can be touched by someone we don't really know.

Today is her funeral, or better, a celebration of her life. If you haven't already, stop by her blog and read it start to finish. She is an inspiration. Obituary below.


Sarah Lynne Toller, age 30, beloved wife of Derek Kaskiw, lived her life to the full until Tuesday, June 12, 2007. Sarah is lovingly missed by her mother Pat Best and her husband Dave Best of Kingston; her father John Toller and brother Bryan Toller, both of London; grandparents Hall Snell of Kingston and Norah Toller of Ottawa; uncle Tony Snell and family of Richmond Hill, aunts Lynne Greene of Toronto and Cindy Snell of Montreal and their families. Sarah is also fondly remembered by her in-laws Garry and Elke Kaskiw and their entire family. Friends may call on Friday, June 22 from 7-9 p.m. at the James A. Harris Funeral Home, 220 St. James St. at Richmond, where a celebration of Sarah’s life will be held on Saturday, June 23 at 2:00 p.m. Visitation will also take place on Saturday, June 23 from 1:00 p.m. until 2:00 p.m. Cremation with interment later in London. A memorial donation to any of the following will be greatly appreciated: Canadian Melanoma Foundation, Canadian Cancer Society, Wellspring (London). Many thanks to Drs. Logan, Engel, Moulin and Gilchrist at LRCP, and Drs Schreier and Shetty and the Palliative Care team at Victoria Hospital for their honest and compassionate care. Thanks also to Kelly Stocks, RN, at ComCare for her kind and gentle home care. Special thanks to Tina Plat-Dekoter, Social Worker, LRCP, who journeyed with Sarah and Derek from the beginning and was always there to help when and where needed most.

Que Sera Sera, Que Sarah Sarah

foshizzy

I hate myself for this a little bit. But it kills me. So funny.

Tranzliate this Shiznit to Jive! Click the Spinn'n Rim Beotch!   www.myYearbook.com -- Created by 2 high school students to kick myspace's ass Add the Tranzizzle-ata' to Your Site!

nostalgia, smosmalgia

"We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time. "

~Art Buchwald

karma.

I used to cut friendships off left and right, dismissing current friends and looking for new, more perfect friends for me. I'm one of those people who took the "Toxic Relationships" episode of Oprah WAY too seriously. Let's just say that I think karma may have found me....My picture album includes a lot of people who I thought of as a near best friend at once, who I eventually cut off, at least to some degree....The book could be titled, "My half-a## Attempts." More on that later.

Page one: The Needy-A## Takers

Everyone has met a needy-a## taker. Maybe you are on. Historically, I am a needy-a##-taker magnet. Now, if you think that says something about me, you're probably right. Needy-a## takers are frequently photographed next to "I-need-to-help-others-to-feel-worthy-ers." Needy-a##-takers, be aware, I will no longer enable yo' needy a##. Anyways, what usually happened here is that I ended up in some therapist-esque role in which things weren't at all reciprocal. A lot of talk about them and their ruminations, and very little talk about me and mine. Enter late night phone calls. Enter a new crisis. Enter another new crisis. And another...and I gave...and gave...and gave..and then I was absolutely exausted, and I mean beat, and I would disappear.

Page two: "No connection." (Translation: usually morally or politically inferior in some way)

I ran into a lot of "no connection" friends after I started avoiding needy-a##-takers like the plague. I have a lot of pictures with these friends, because it often seemed like we did have a connection, sometimes even for a long time. Soon, it was easy to find others morally and politically unsatisifying. I didn't see myself as judgemental; I just saw myself as not wanting to be around people who did not have similar values. I remember sharing 300 sq foot with a person and two animals, buying all my clothes at thrift stores...judging my friends for their weaknesses (the ones I didn't share), for their materialism, for their microderm abrasion when I knew they couldn't afford it, for caring too much about makeup, for not being into buying thrift store clothes, not recycling, not voting. I thought of myself as all-supporting, all-loving because of my minimalism and my politics, but I was hiding behind some sort of self-righteousness, I think. Why?

I believe that we are ALL connected, and that we need to see these connections, even in those who seem different. Do I still know needy-a##-takers? Yes. But, now I know boundaries, too, and there are people who I have rewarding friendships with now that I could not have managed being friends with before. Not that I would spend lots of time with people who I don't have fun with or who don't want to talk about what I want to talk about. And, I'm sure there are times when cutting off truly is necessary.

So, I'd like to ceremoniously shut the cover of my photo album of "Half A## Attempts," and start a new book, the book of "Namaste," maybe..."The divine in me acknowledges the divine that is in you."

a day for good news.

(photo taken by me in Costa Rica. It is a hot spring, heated by the Arenal volcano. Most. Soothing. Place. Ever.)

Kahlil Gibran: (from the Prophet)

...When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer
in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is
clearer from the plain.

And let there be no purpose in friendship save the
deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its
own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and
only the unprofitable is caught.

...And in the sweetness of friendship let there be
laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its
morning and is refreshed.