feel.

I know. Lots of quotes lately. And lots of not being here. I have been input rather than output as of late; no apologies, of course, as we follow our impulses as our life's treasure map.

You wait until I tell you how much is changing; it's literally (expletive) unbelievable. Of course, I am not telling it today. :)

I cannot describe what has been happening to me (and I believe to B, too, although I will have to tell you about that later), as in the synchronicities, vividly clear "messages" from the universe, or rather, vividly clear decisions to make. Everything is so, so clear and beautiful; I realize I sound like I'm holding a giant hookah, however have seldom meant something more than this.

I tend to believe that this fresh mental and emotional spaciousness, clarity, arises from practicing transcendental meditation for the past five months; as in perhaps it has given mental spaciousness to unblock parts of myself which were impeding living a more authentic life...more authentically aligned with my soul's desires/purposes. I truly believe that our bliss, our hearts desires, are our compass from the universe toward our most authentic and fulfilled life.

Our prefrontal lobe, our planning brain, is often merely in the way; yet, oh, the many ways I've given this sterile driver the wheel. I mean, it drives safely and pragmatically enough.; however, it seems to regularly misunderstand and limit the vehicle in which it navigates. I think of it like driving a Taurus, quite exceptionally, working so diligently to rock out this Taurus. The often unrealized irony is that while you were thinking so diligently, carefully controlling each nuance of the gas pedal, the break and perhaps the gears, you failed to notice you haven't been in a Taurus at all, but in the Batmobile...or a spaceship.

I will speak about the changes very soon. It's pretty unbelievable. I've never probably felt more alive or sure of things or open or peaceful. Having said that, there is a part of me that is just afraid out of my mind. And that is my intention for this stage of my life, in a way...Feel the anxiety, the fears of truly living a non-sedated life. Be comfortable uncertainty, tolerate discomfort, especially the discomfort of not knowing. Be open. Let go of ego. Remember one of the most important universal truths I've come to deeply believe as of late: Ego is never personal; love always is. I know it to be true deep in my core, and when I let that truth be my veil in the world, everything wonderful comes to me somehow, esp as it pertains to my relationships with others. The sanity in others, the compassion which is their true essence, arises when one does not react to ego, knowing it is not personal...and finds the morsels, however small, of compassion, taking them in like the carefully wrapped gift that they are in their essence. But, the fear? Yeah, I feel it. Sometimes, at least. Sometimes, I find ways to avoid it. These words, by Pema Chodron, are such a poignantly apt description of where it is that I am right now, and where it is that I am going. Peace.

Impermanence becomes vivid in the present moment; so do compassion and wonder and courage. And so does fear. In fact, anyone who stands on the edge of the unknown, fully in the present, without a reference point, experiences groundlessness. That's when our understanding goes deeper, when we find that the present moment is a pretty vulnerable place and that this can be completely unnerving and completely tender at the same time.

What we're talking about is getting to know fear, becoming familiar with fear, looking it right in the eye -- not as a way to solve problems, but as a complete undoing of old ways of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and thinking. The truth is that when we really begin to do this, we're going to be continually humbled. Fear is a natural reaction of moving closer to the truth. If we commit ourselves to staying right where we are, then our experience becomes very vivid. Things become very clear when there in nowhere to escape.

hot yoga + pitta?

Expressing myself in list form today. I've had coffee, because it seemed quite perfect on a balmy, rainy Sunday day (and it was); however, I'm talking fast and with the random streak of a four year old, so I doubt my ability to string together words in a manner that is cohesive and intelligible. Stream of consciousness wins again.

+I haven't been blogging because my computer is on sabbatical. Her screen went white, which turns out is detrimental in Macintosh land. I don't feel quite as inspired when on borrowed laptop, so, you know. I haven't been around. I'll get my computer fixed for the approximate price of one leg in January when into a new budget. Why didn't Applecare fix it with their famously fab service, you ask? Well... Cautionary note: If you spilled some water on your computer in the distant past and it is fine, consider never ever admiting this to any computer warranty people. I know what you are thinking: I wouldn't dumba##, and why did you? Call me an idealist- the truth doesn't (usually) let me down.

+My mom's last scan: CLEAR!!! We are smashing cancer like CRAZY, this family!

+Believe it or not, after all of my accolades for hot yoga, I had to say goodbye for now. My pitta (this is the heat, the fire element, in our bodies- according to ayurveda) went through the roof, with all of the hot yoga I was doing (my goal was 7.5 hrs/week). My face began to constantly burn, much like hot flashes. I started to feel bitter and more easily angered, all signs of pitta aggravation. As much as I loved hot yoga, something about how my life is today-- the increased balance, the Transendental Meditation-- I was able to let go of it quite easily and move over to a non-hot yoga studio. I may revisit hot yoga in winter time, when pitta is at it's lowest. Or not.

+As you may have heard me whine about previously, hormonal dramas of youknowwhat (which I just refuse to give more talk to) made it sooooo easy to gain weight and soooo hard to lose. (Do not let them tell you it's because you are getting older, ladies! Get your everything tested.) You may have also heard me bragging shamelessly that, since I regained much that energy I had lost, I have been working it at the gym like Britney. I mean working it. If you have ever lost your health, just observed your ability to get up and function like a normal person, maybe you understand my zeal. I am so confident I will always treat my body with just zealous respect and attention. It is odd how discipline is just not an issue, even a bit, after I have been through that life changing event.

+...Which is all the better for fitting in my (actually quite pretty) bridesmaid dress, as well. I'm in that wedding on this Saturday. In charming Kansas City, which I looooove. Ah, fall; already starting to seduce with her early-turning colors there. As far as the wedding, I am thoroughly thrilled to be there for my loyal, funny friend who surprised me at my own wedding with a mimosa , right before I headed down the isle. Took the edge off. Never mind the clonopin the univ dr gave me to make it through the day.

+I don't need anything to take the edge off at work these days, because it is going amazingly smoothly. I love my team, and my students, and their parents- who have already been volunteering in my room! I'm going in early daily when things are quiet, and I am leaving right on time. My boundaries are clear and have not been stretched. If I have to address something that just has to take extra time that week, I give that time back to myself the following week by not going in early or by going in early but my latest leisure book in classroom instead of working. The atmosphere of the room is soothing; it feels calming, conducive to thinking, and I feel at home there. Plants on every table, lamps instead of the florescent overheads, a candle on a candle warmer and a little fountain on the window where the sun shines in. Watching the kids already being so passionate about exploring authors they love, choosing a book because it won the Caldecott medal, and connecting themes among texts on their own, I'm reminded of why I have a passion for teaching. I am so blessed that I have finally found a balance in it, because spending the day with kids is an opportunity I haven't found words to describe.

+I'm working more diligently on my Spanish, in and out of the classroom (Ideally, I should be using as much Spanish as I can on Mon/Wed/Fri). Growth has felt slow, and I hope I will soon hit a critical mass .

+Live music + wine tonight in a well-designed, friendly atmosphere...M +D, are you reading this? Wanna come? Anyone else? Katrina?

namaste

I have never wanted a tattoo badly enough to consider the physical pain of doing so. I mean, I can be kind of a baby. Indecisive, too. I like change, or at least I seem to have a lot of it, so it always seemed like a tattoo would be too permanent. Then, I read an Ani DiFranco quote somewhere that said something about how she realized her tattoos were no more permanent than she herself. Wow. I'm listening....And then something about going to hot yoga so many hours a week, I'm feeling the desire to commemorate the end of my challenge. It is not for many more weeks, so I have the time to think on it.

I'm thinking 'namaste' or an interpretation of namaste, and I'm thinking on my foot, on the inside. The color of henna. If there is something that I've most taken from all of this exhausting 7+ hours of yoga a week, it's that I hope to remember that the very best in me sees the very best in you...and to remember that those aren't different things. Somehow, in all of that sweating and exhaustion and pushing of limits, there is a transcendence that occurs as the body and breath sync; the illusion of separateness falls away a tiny little bit. I want to take that with me all day.

In other news, I was in KC this weekend for a very special friend's bachelorette weekend. It was such a great time with funny, down to earth women. I left missing Kansas dearly, to be honest. I love it here as much as I can, but I miss the midwest state of mind. I miss being near friends I've known for years and most of my family.

Having said all this, last summer I also whined about living in Dallas and when I let it go and focused more on the essence of what I was looking for (diversity, real people, nature, charm, community), I found it right here somehow. B and I talk about manifesting a bit, which makes us both feel kind of flaky; but deeply, I do feel that the universe is intelligent and responsive, and I do see evidence of like attracting like all around me.

So, here it goes. The essence of what I'm missing is...invested friendships that are deep and light and fun at the same time...connection with family members...charming, old-world surroundings...simplicity...walking to a slow, steady beat...cycles in nature, like the expansion and contraction of fall, then winter, then spring and summer...I can't pinpoint what I love about that one...variety? the hopefulness of spring? the artfulness of fall?

And tomorrow, when students return and responsibilities start to call to me faster than I can answer, I just hope to be balanced. I feel protective of my life balance, and vulnerable to lose it. I think yoga during the week may be my best balancer. I am so afraid, honestly, of going back to only existing as a self during the weekends, that is if I can get my mind off of work. I joined a book club. I have yoga. Balance...Peace...Respect for myself and my body...That's the essence of what I'm hoping to get out of this year.

i had to leave the house of self-importance
to doodle my first tattoo
realize a tattoo is no more permanent
than i am, and who
ever said that life is suffering
i think they had their finger on the pulse of joy
ain't the power of transcendence
the greatest one we can employ

- Ani Difranco

juicy

I looove Jennifer Weiner's books. If I didn't already enjoy that they are easy reads about unconventional women, I'd read them for the decadent food descriptions. Hands down, I'm a foodie. Meal chronicles such as, "garlic and white-bean puree with truffle oil" tap into my best foodie instincts, and I'm ready to savour some words.

Literature + bubble bath = ooh. But how about some juice with that? Carrot juice with apple. Thank you Super Angel (pretty, pretty princess) juicer! Yesterday was my biggest juicing day yet with five whole juices, four of which were green.

And did I mention I'm caffeine free for something like seven days? I have recently heard caffeine dependency described as living off of credit: If you don't pay it back, your account suffers because you are essentially living off of a facade. Er, I think I get it. I may not even be a person who can have an occasional caffeine drink; it's indelibly easy for me to slip into the routine of using it to elevate my energy so I can do more. Do more! Do more! For example, right now I feel a little tired. In (seven) days gone by, this means I'd get some coffee, a whole jittery pot; since I'm not running to pour a cup, I have some foresight and think about the fact I slept 6 hours last night instead of 7 or 8. I need a nap, not a coffee. Naps are sustainable (yes they are); coffee is not sustainable in that capacity. Right. I don’t want it anyways. Yes I do. No I don’t.

Let's talk about all of the nutrition I had yesterday! Juice, man. I meant it when I said I was done with this sickness crap- and then with B’s mom and my mom both getting lymphoma in the same breath- it’s to much. So, my answer, or part of it: juice. Four green’s yesterday, and one carrot. That's about an entire head of romaine lettuce- those are huge! Also, a green pepper, three whole organic carrots and one green apple. And that's just for my juice! I ate food, too. And since I’m trying to shrink my arse, now that I know that every extra pound of fat is extra hormones your body has to regulate, I made sure to stay in my little calorie range. Iphones have a good app for this, called “Lose It.”

Where is she getting all of this energy, you ask? Something that's making an heavy impact is that B and I went to Austin to learn Transcendental Meditation. I had been considering it for a year or so, and once Bruce learned about all of the studies on TM, he wanted in too. I'm finding my meditation has improved HUGELY. I mean, I cannot even tell you how much better it is- life changing better. My perspective has just shifted in these past seven days that I’ve been practicing...I have more of a sense of the commonality we share. That's right, you and me. We are s to the ame.*

*I’m willing to hold nerdy white girl gangsta talk coaching sessions, but they are e to the xtra.

The one in which she has two comments and a question.

Comment number one: 

Yesterday, we purchased tickets to Amsterdam/Paris.  Yes, Amsterdam & Paris!  Me!  This will be my 2nd international trip; I suspect I love to travel.  There will be much walking, coffee, wine, cheese and pastries. And coffee. And pastries.  And pastries.  In eight weeks, we depart.   Of course, I have to lose 10 pounds before we go so I can gain 10 pounds when we are there, thus breaking even. In sort of a fat way, que sera, sera. 

We're going to Amsterdam first. Basic plan there: Ride a bike, drink a crapload of coffee next to the beautiful canals, soak up old-world charm, experience the canals from a boat ride, somehow try to handle the emotional overload it will be to walk through Anne Frank's secret opening bookcase, to stand in Van Gogh's museum, to be inside Rembrant's room. 

Then, a four hour train ride to Paris. 

Ah, Paris.  We'll be there a little longer.  We are buying a book, 24 Walking Tours of Paris; of the travel books we have reviewed, it seems to capture the essence of "soaking up" a place rather than rushing through an exhausting number of sights.  

Of course, I plan to see some key pieces at the Lourve; more importantly, however, I look forward to seeing up close much of the artwork I have studied in all of my art courses.  The place for this is the Musee D'orsay.   I cannot imagine what that will feel like.  Other than this, yes, I'd like to see the biggies, but I want to soak up the place more than anything.  When I sink into my soul's desires, I find that I'm not as much of a sight seer as a soaker-upper.  Take some pictures.  Read.  Write.  Sip.  Watch.  Soak.

And did you notice the 'we' that I speak of? Yes, B is coming with me!  For something like Europe, of course I would have liked for Bruce to go, given the amount of money in our bank account means we haven't done stuff  like this a lot (once!).  It had appeared we would not have common vacation for a year; luckily,  B was able to work it out. 

As more saavy travelers may already know, it was the SAME price to take B and go during spring break together that it was for me to go in the summer alone. So, if you're thinking of traveling, I am telling you that you can fly into Amsterdam and out of Paris (with a DIRECT flight into DFW, if you are a neighbor!) for under $700. Under $700! 

I am looking forward to sharing my first trip to Europe with Bruce, who lived in France for a little while and who also speaks French! 

As for my little solo travel bug, I will scratch this itch at a later date. I'm thinking of either going to NYC for a weekend and seeing Billy Elliot on Broadway, or to San Francisco, or to Chicago, or somewhere in Florida to watch birds (loser, I know).  I'd really like to go to LA and see Ellen. I love Ellen to pieces; But, I don't know if I want to dance in the crowd without a buddy.  Do you want to go with me?

Comment number two: 

For a few years, I've been eying digital SLR cameras. I've watched them come down in price as I've realized how much I like taking pictures. The camera I've had for years is great, however the shutter speed should be called the shutter ohmygodhowcanyoubesoslow. I love it, though for what it is. I thought I might enjoy taking pictures, and this camera showed me that I was right. Eva at girly-bits.com summarizes my feelings on photography so perfectly here. She's right, for those of us who love the arts but are not, well, fabulous painters or composers or architects, photographer is the great equalizer. It is not too hard to both love the process and also to get some satisfaction out of the product.  Eva, like several of the other bloggers I frequent, is a fabulous photographer. 

Product aside, photography is the consciousness maker. I love the idea of framing every piece of the universe in it's best light, of slowing down and capturing the details of a moment. It beckons presence, which can be slow to manifest in real time. :)

I purchased the Nikon D40. But, now I'm thinking I should switch to the Canon Rebel (the 2008 one).  People seem to think Canons often have better lenses.  Also, the camera itself has the "live view," so one can look through the LCD and not only the view finder.  Mark of a novice to want that, I hear,  but I'm not sure I'm ready to let it go completely.  Right now, I am like a baby deer, trying to figure out what all of the acronyms stand for and how to make things not fuzzy.  I suspect (hope) the learning curve is a steep one.

And a Question: 

I've been knitting.  I like it!  But after I work on a piece, I always feel compelled to unravel it and start over.  It progressed to a premeditated act: "Ooh, I should sit down and knit something and then take it apart."  

Why is that?

maybe my longest blogger absence

Wow. I have not been around these parts for awhile. I have to admit, I haven't been writing OR reading. Usually, I at least keep up on my favorite reads...I have some major backtracking to do.

It has been a CRAZY year. As in school year. (Some of us still measure our lives in semesters.) New grade. New program. New resolution to be best math teacher ever. Recollection of desire for life balance. Scratch new resolution; just be a much better math teacher. Thank you, Mia, for the book. I have so not properly thanked you yet, except in the fact that I have really tried to put the book to use (I have a feeling you might appreciate this more anyways!), which I'll tell you more about later...I am not joking when I say it has REVOLUTIONIZED my thinking about primary mathematics instruction. I am a new woman. I am talking about this book!

Now, it is Thanksgiving break, and things have just recently started slowing down. Exhale. We are finally starting to work on the house a little (pictures coming), and also to get out into the world of 3 dimensional people a little more. We've been hitting what we call hippie church, and have very good intentions to go on walks in the neighborhood.

Since I was last here, I have been...

Honestly, I've mostly been teaching. And thinking about teaching. It's the new program and new grade thing...I hope next year I can feel what it feels like to do the same thing for two years. To be honest, I'm a person who does things better in spurts, but I've been working on my attention span, and I think I can do it! Seriously, I could go without the stress! I keep thinking that I cannot teach and have a baby at the same time, but I haven't even given myself a chance to see what teaching without a whole bunch of extra stuff and changes is like!

Eating good food. Really. And bad food, too. But lots of good food. B and I have been waking up and eating eggs and sweet potatoes cooked in olive oil every morning. Then, we read a passage from Pema and sit to meditate for 20 minutes. It is very balancing, and I have been much more 'present' at work, which is great, because what a waste to work with 6 year olds and not be present!

Working (or rather, giving very good suggestions to B) for how to feel super safe in our ghettoasis. For real, we hear gun shots almost every weekend now. We life in a great neighborhood, actually, full of pretty nice homes, but it's close enough to whatever seedy motel or wherever that we do hear them. Kind of a lot. When we call the police, the Cheers theme song plays. Coming from Little House on the Prairie, I just have to say, "um...are you kidding?" But to be honest, it's good for the soul. I feel like facing a reality that many of my students have faced, and just people in general, and just facing it only a tiny bit more than I did before, humbles me a little. Having said that, we have a super fab alarm system, and check out our peep hole! It's MAGIC! Thanks, B!


Oh, and seriously. I got a new president. Best one EVER!!!

so i try not to talk too much about work, but...

Today at work, of course, we remembered 9/11.

I happened to be reading a story to my kids at the carpet when the rememberance announcement came over the intercom. As I listened, I closed the silly big book onto my lap and looked out over the faces of 15 six-year-olds. A little surprised they seemed to "get" that this really was a moment to be still, I wondered if any of their parents had told them what it was all about. I thought about how they were born into a totally different world than was I. That blows my mind a little. Do they know what they're missing? Or, do they have more somehow? Do they notice me looking at them in a different way during this announcement, as if I'm trying to peak into their futures- their childhood dreams?

I don't know why she did it, but when I returned my glance to the row right in front of me, a litle girl had her hands folded together and eyes closed, whispering a prayer as if she were the only one in the room.

Another day, another lesson in humility.

Another reason to be present, to let go of the complaints, the frustrations when they don't learn fast enough or when I feel too tired to show up for them. Another reason to remember how I really feel about the fact I get to spend my days with children.

now

So...

I was just at the house, as we're getting the inspection right now. So far, everything is solid, especially for a house built in the 30's.

I met my across-the-street neighbor, another teacher at another arts magnet (but the high school one, which is where Norah Jones went). He mentioned that he often made dinner for the prior owner of our house (noted!). He also said that the hood is a great group of people with an active home owner's association, which is trying to get some small spring-fed "lakes" back in the community. He said that there is actually a waterfall (well, over a dam. Not an Ansel Adams situation...but still!) that is right in our back yard once the water rises some! To be honest, the more we are there, the more I notice I love about it. It is the sanctuary I've been looking for.

And, I feel a little mushy about how I got here. Once again, a testament to letting go a little, accepting and loving wherever I am *now* and following my bliss. Mia, you totally had a part in this. Isn't it strange how much these weird little blogging friendships can end up changing our thinking and effecting our lives? When I was whining about no nature in Dallas, Mia said, (with great tact!) "bloom where you are planted." So, I did. We knew we wanted a greater sense of community, maybe a little more progressive-minded, diversity...so we started looking at houses. From there, we fell into this house, which we cannot believe they are selling to us for a price we can afford.

Inspired by Lori, I've decided I need a "me room," for uninterrupted meditation, introspection, etc. I thought it was going to be easy, as the garage is already partially converted: Make a little room. Done. The thing is, apparently, for a garage conversion to really matter for home value, you need to extend the foundation. So, not quite as easy as slapping up some dry wall. When I was sitting in stillness for a bit today, I remembered that I've always been inspired by little outdoor prayer chapels...So, there's an idea, and a pretty feasible one, I think. A little room, built outside with some good views, the size of a big closet just long enough for yoga movements, with electricity (in case I want to write) and nature all around, where I can be still and in total solitude. There is a part of me that feels guilty for wanting a room just for me, but I guess people just have different needs. Maybe it's because I grew up being alone a lot. My mom worked the night shift a lot, and even though we lived in an old trailer, it was on all this land. I enjoyed that solitude so much. I didn't feel lonely anymore when I was outside with my little dog, laying in grass. I miss that. I am never alone in nature, and I've realized that I will be deeply sad if my kids don't get to have a similar experience: Not a lot of stuff, but a lot of nature. Like anyone else, I lose my footing in life sometimes...but I'm so happy I know a place where I can find it again.

And deeply grateful that something so inspiring is probably going to be right in my back yard. More pictures coming.

stillness speaks

+you know that book, The Great Kapok Tree? + This is a kapok tree somewhere near Quepos, Costa Rica, which I clearly cannot get enough of + It is way huger than it looks here + I think I took this pix from a car, actually +

Stillness speaks, says Eckhart Tolle. Not that he's the first or last to say it. Really, when I think of sitting still through mental drama, I think of Pema Chodron and her fabulous words which have really become somewhat of a mantra to me, "This moment is the perfect teacher." In honor of day one of my new two-day (did you know some people do like 90 days?! Holy crap!) second juice fast, I've been reading Tolle's little book called Stillness Speaks. Before I actually read some of it this morning, I did sit for a long time (kind of). I was semi-grumpy for what my normal self would call a silly reason, and really didn't want to sit with it (because, like, it's uncomfortable!). I'm realizing more and more, that these are the times that I would often not even know what was annoying/grumpifying me, because I'd move right on to some kind of destraction. And every time...EVERY time, like frickin' magic, when I sit with it, look the discomfort in the eyes without even telling it go go way, away it goes. It goes away, even if it takes awhile. And I don't tell it to go away; I just accept the moment, I say to myself, "this is what is, the feeling that is, or the fear that is floating past my mind like a dark cloud." This too shall pass, dark clouds and giant fluffy clouds alike...Then, I picked up the book and read something I found fitting :


"When you are identified with mind, you get bored and restless very easily...When you feel bored, you can satisfy the mind's hunger by picking up a magazine, making a phone call, switching on the tv, surfing the web, going shopping, or- and this is not uncommon- transferring the mental sense of lack and its need for more to the body and satisfy it briefly by ingesting more food...
OR, you can STAY bored and restless and OBSERVE what it feels like to be bored and restless. As you bring AWARENESS to the feeling, there is suddenly some space and stillness around it, as it were. A little at first, but as the sense of inner space grows, the feeling of boredom will begin to diminish in intensity and significance. So even boredom can teach you who you are and who you are not..." -Eckhart Tolle, Stillness Speaks


Uh, yeah! Put a check mark for me in all those boxes! That's what I want to do this for. I think I'd like to go the rest of the day without the internet, and then not at all tomorrow (except maybe to post). No movies. Just acceptance and awareness for whatever is in that moment. In this present moment.

And a little xanga wannabe update. I shall now attempt to define myself by my books and song:
+Been listening to: New Soul, by Yael Naim; The Heart of the Matter, by India.Aire; The Amelie Soundtrack (Le Fabuleaux Destin d'Amelie Poulain), by Yann Tierson
+Been reading: Stillness Speaks, by Eckhart Tolle; Goodnight Nobody, by Jennifer Weiner; The Laws of Money, by Suze Orman
+Been watching: Oprah's Soul Series, Season 8 of Friends...but I'm putting it away! I am!

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” Albert Einstein

So, Dear Universe...

Someone somewhere undoubtedly has a more important question, but my sneezy a$$ self wants to know: What is the lesson in a cold? Is there a lesson? Stillness? A reminder of the fleeting, impermanent state of things? Appreciation for baseline? When I am sick, I tend to feel anxious about what I'm not getting done and of the life I'm not getting. I think things like, "I should be outside," and "how am I going to write my lesson plans?" Pema Chodron says, "This moment is the perfect teacher." What is this moment trying to teach me?

I've also been wondering, will Sabrina and Mark(DWTS) stay together forever? And what is your take on Albert's strappy sandals?

yay

our old apartment + imposing cat + dog + mess

Well, my job seems to want me back next year. Yay for me, because I'm having a crap-load of fun and really love where I am; the thought of going longer into the summer does not seem like work. Of course, I eventually tend to love where ever I work, and I really believe we make our happiness where ever we are, but I also think this is just right for me right now. It amazes me that my weeks and weekends seem to blend into one another more and more, as I become increasingly "present" throughout the week. Part of this is the humility of spending all day every day with the same little kids depending on me; it is unbelievably humbling, such a blessing. It seems wrong not to show up excited to see them; their eyes light up when I pick them up in the morning, and they give extra long hugs on Fridays and before breaks. The most humbling thing is that all of that is not about me. I really believe that's just how kids are; they just want to see your eyes light up back.

Anways, although I love where I am (and plan on staying until security is called), I was missing some of the fun of middle school tonight. Man, I *loved* messing with those kids. Most of them didn't know the teacher could control all of the computers in the computer lab, so I got a lot out of computer lab days. I would blank out all of the kids' screens with "I know what you did last summer," and I liked to take over boys' computers and google things like "How to sing like Britney" and barbie.com. In my room, I had one of those giant projectors that would show my computer screen. I once put up one of those, "find what's wrong with this picture" things that you stare at until the girl from the Ring pops up all huge, scary and screaming (loud). I'm talking the size of a wall, that scary little girl. These kids literally fell out on the floor, and I'm sure I annoyed some teacher neighbors; it was the best day.

If I ever go back to middle school (or high school), I will always take 2nd grade with me. I've decided that they really aren't different. The younger ones are just more transparent (Okay, infinitely easier, but still- basically the same). They all need you. They all want you to love them and like them; the middle school ones just take awhile to buy into you. They've seen more failures, realized that not everyone will love them back; they are the same thing, just more insecure.

cytoplasm

So get this. You know those little chocolate covered cherries? Not the ones with the white filling, but the clear, juicy filling? Total cell model. Well, at the little kid level. The chocolate is like the cell membrane. The cherry is of course the nucleus, and the juicy stuff is the cytoplasm. And, even though I've been stapling these little yummies to my tush for at least a couple of decades, I never gave thought to their name: Cellas. Cell, people! Coincidence? You may not care, but I think it's fabulous.

I think my kids really enjoyed this day. And holy, crap, I enjoyed teaching about cells, tissues, organs, systems. The jello you see is a cell model too, with a grape for the nucleus and a baggie that is the cell membrane. We used floam as a model for how cells stick together to create tissue...the tissue creates organs, so the kids shaped the floam into the important organs that we studied in their stations. It was a whole mess of fun.

Now, we are doing weather and the water cycle. I'm enjoying it, but a little intimidated to be writing the lesson plans because I'm the least experienced 2nd grade teacher on my team by about a hundred years. I'm the one who hearts the sciences and has a secret dream of being a zoo education curator one day. Something about loving it so much almost makes it harder, because I just want it to be great. And so I look and look and look and search and...the end result is that I've put TONS of effort in, but have only produced a very normal amount. I feel like I should add an addendum to my plans: "This may seem like a normal amount of work, but I have actually put 470 hours of research into this, and hopefully that will show next year." You know, some of that's my ego. Not until reading A New Earth (by Eckhart Tolle) did I realize how much of my being is focused on my need to have a career viewed as important, to be important, to be a helper, one who sacrifices for others. I'm not saying I have a disorder or am even unusual; I think this is very common and most of us have identities that we are very attached to, and it feels liberating to become more aware of it.

Part of my perfectionism is just loving it, though, and knowing how much fun my kids will have. But these days, life balance is pretty important to me, so I have to be able to produce in a smaller amount of time. I don't want to burn out, and most teachers burn out in less than five years. Yup. True fact. So, (my goal is) I put my heart and soul into it and work through my little personal quirks and egoic worries, but I put a time limit on it. Then, I go on to focus on the rest of life...NOT constantly thinking about work. I love my work and want to be in the moment when I'm there with these kids. I still can't believe I spend all day with them, and that is such a gift. But when I'm somewhere else, I need to really BE there.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Saw a caterpillar at my friend, Liz's, school. She teaches 2nd, too. But bilingual, fancy.
Sam, being himself. This is when we first got him, and he had to wear a sweater bc parvo made him skinny and cold.
We get to make fires now!

during the time that i lost my camera cord....

Did the whole Halloween-thing. Took Preston to a community pumpkin festival.


Made wassail. Loved Christmas. Man, I love Christmas. B and I don't buy eachother presents for holidays, usually, but we celebrate things, and it is always special. I love the way we do that.


Found this dog at work. Ignored his greasy, yet cute self. Dog jumps all over my students, who are standing by the fence at recess. Of course, they LOVE this. If you ever had to stand by the fence at recess, first of all, shame shame shame. Second, you know that it is not supposed to be fun.

A few days later, dog, still hanging out at my work, gets VERY sick. B and I take him home to get better, but first we take him to the vet so that we know he won't get our other animals sick. The idea is to pay to get him better and fixed, give him a bath and adopt him out, which should be easy because people like little dogs. At the vet, they tell us that he actually has parvo (which is apparently VERY bad), and we have two choices: put him to sleep, or pay somewhere in the neighborhood of a thousand dollars to keep him on iv's for several days, the only chance of him fighting it. What did we do? Well, first there was some drama. But, here is who later become known as Sam on an i.v. at the vet. He would not even lift his head.


Now, Sam is fast like this. All the time. A collective OMG from me, B, our other dog and especially our cat. And we got attached, really attached. This meant we had to move from our beloved apartment building with the much-loved courtyard that we went to almost every day (2 pet max). It turned out for the best, bc our new place is bigger, way cheaper, and the same same neighborhood that we really like. We are much closer to the katy trail now, and literally across the street from a beautiful community park that you can lay and read in and let your dog off the leash...Preston that is. We've explained that being the oldest comes with more privileges, but also more responsibilities. Now we have a little balcony, which I love and from where the cat stalks birds he could never get. A galley kitchen, which I'm getting used to. My favorite thing is all of the wild life that hides away, right in the city (well, not the city, city...I like to see sky scrapers, not be in them): birds, squirrels, and in the early, dark morning, a raccoon! He was on the roof, right across the way from our balcony, giving our cat the evil eye. It was intense, very sharks and jets.


And here is some of that celebrating I talked about. Mmmm. Cheese.

something

I will blog something today, I told myself. I guess I'm on a little haitus; I've really let life get in my way lately, and I feel too busy for ANYTHING! I'm not sure what the answers are yet (quit something, wait it out, stop sleeping?), but I know I'm looking forward to being less busy. I'm so not that person who loves to be busy, though I totally used to be...I think it made me feel validated. Now, I feel out of touch when I'm like that, because I don't feel I need be define myself by the things I'm doing the way I used to--As a teacher, sometimes you really have to stand up for this; teachers have upspoken expectations (from other teachers and non-teachers alike) to give an unbalanced portion of their lives. As passionate as I feel about what I'm doing, I don't feel the need to do THAT. Now, that's a little gift from the universe. Peace-

has anyone seen my life balance?

I had it here, in Costa Rica. Not the most flattering picture, but man I was peaceful.

I FEEL pretty peaceful now...however, I'm so into my work-- which is such a happy place-- that I seem to have forgotten that I have a whole life to balance.

looking...I'll be around once I find it, at least a little bit.

I've been listening to Pema in the mornings. Wow. My students really should write her thankyou cards; she makes me much more peaceful...I hope my students feel my room is a place of peace...

There I go again, back to work...I hope my HOME feels peaceful-- I hope I do things like read for fun, drink wine in the bath tub, be creative and have lots of coffees with friends. I hope I'm in tuned with my intentions, with the effect my actions have on others...Are they better or worse off for knowing me?

I've learned to love living in Dallas, but please don't let me "become" Dallas, leaving the simple things behind for a world of work, drive, work, drive, work...

I've imposed a "work" limit on myself starting this week, and I feel better already...but I'm still not quite right...

watched youknowwhats never grow

Man, it's not fair how good today has been. First, it's been really beautiful today. Inspirational weather. I love the smell of fall. I love the mums. Apple cider. Wassail. The fact that there is a community pumpkin event coming up, to raise money for local kids who need it. I love seeing special little fall-themed desserts like apple tarts with caramel drizzle and sugar cookies painted into cream cheese frosting pumpkins at the store. Knowing I'll get to see all my family again at Thanksgiving. We all get together, like 30 or 40 of us, every Thanksgiving at my grandma's. We do things like play spoons, a dangerous game. We eat, and my midwestern relatives ask if I'm still a vegetarian, and it gets on my nerves for a split second until I realize what a waste that is. We walk around the pond, sit on the dock. Last year, I rummaged through a familiar suitcase which still held the dolls I played with as a little girl. They really feel like mine alone, but in a huge extended family, they've gone through more hair dressers than a Las Vegas drag queen. The barbie I couldn't find but really wanted to was the one's whose youknowwhats grew when you twisted her arm; anyone else have Growing Up Skipper? I think she stuck around until too many preteen girls sprained their arms trying to grow some of their own, and then Gloria Steinam barbie came along and beat everyone up with a fish and a bicycle.

Thinking of b**by barbie makes me think of all the strange mythologies your (okay, mine) family feeds you when you're a kid. My great grandma used to tell me that breasts grew when "they've been played with by boys." What?!

Worse yet, my mom and grandma always blamed my trips and falls on my angel....Your "angel" will make you do things like fall and stub your toe after you've lied or talked back...which lead me to basically give the finger to "my angel" growing up, instead, praying to Santa, who was always good to me.

Ah, Christmas. This is about when I start thinking about it; go ahead and judge me. I've been people watching lately. There is an energy this time of the year that floats around all of our heads; I'm not sure of the source. The holidays finally coming? Well, for me that's big. I love old Christmas films...It's a Wonderful Life...The Bishop's Wife...White Christmas. I keep meaning to order The Shop Around the Corner, the old Jimmy Stewart film off of which You've Got Mail was based. I'm thinking of fires, gloves, snow. Makes me miss Kansas...the least visited state in the union; I miss it a little right now... The people seem more simple, or their lives seem more simple at least. The fall leaves, I have to say, are far more complex. I bet the town where my husband and I met is blanketed with a tapestry of leaves hanging over the streets. I hope I always have a midwestern day-to-day life, but that also I perceive the joys in complexity.

One joy is that...I got a new job today! Title 1 school, which is all I've really experienced so far anyways..I'm going in for a MAJOR change, though, to teach second grade. Holy crap, I know. Since I entered a literacy graduate program and am interested in literacy as a social justice piece, I think it's important to see literacy at the primary level. It's weird how nervous I am!!

Another joy? Dates! Today, I made one and had one. I bought tickets to the Regina Spektor concert at the House of Blues in Dallas; this will make a great date. But seriously, it would be a "mature" day for growing up skipper. Husband date was fun, and now he is sleeping next to me, mumbling through some sort of medical dream. He got out of school seriously early today, which NEVER happens, so we got to spend a lot of time together. Had two baily's and coffee at dinner and we saw the new Wes Anders*n film. He writes the weirdest stories; I love it. I love the music he chooses, the aesthetics of his films, the way he makes simple moments into art. To me, it illustrates that art is in every moment...whether we see it depends on our perspecitive. I'm surprised that our westen culture accepts his films; they move slowly in a way that one is to enjoy each moment for what it is, not for the fact that you are hanging on for the plot to develop. I found myself bored at the beginning, and then I realized, "I'm not getting this. I'm expecting something else, and not appreciating what it really is."

It's so hard to be in the moment sometimes...I've been trying to appreciate and soak up where I am, whatever I'm doing...so today when I left the movie, I decided to take a look at the piano which was sitting, small and simply unadorned, outside the theater. As it turns out, it was the "Imagine" piano, on which John Lennon composed one of the most influential songs of all time! Who knew?! I took some pictures of it; maybe I'll upload them later...but the important thing I that I would not have even experienced this little piece of history if I had simply been on my way somewhere...I was in it for the moment, and it was a good one. A day full of good moments.