if i could be wasting my time with you

Two years ago today, we were here, honeymooning in Costa Rica. Also known as future home. Really. Two years ago yesterday, we barely remember because it went so fast. Ah, weddings. Sometime I'll tell you about how someone started with a toast about how when B met me I swore I would never give in to the social construct of marriage, which is true. Well, true that I said that. Obviously I gave in. And, it has been great. I believe our relationship would have been great marriage or no marriage; however, there is something good and unanticipated that comes with the committment, and I'm not even sure if I can put it into words.

First of all, let's just get something out of the way: B and I danced to Phish's "Waste" for our wedding dance. Not exactly the usual timeless choice, I know. Go ahead and make fun; I'd do it too. Honestly, though, it was fitting. Here are some moments (good and bad) we have happily "wasted" together since we made it official...
...getting married at my favorite place: grandma's pond
...our labrador's debut as a groomsman (although B secretly considers him best man)
...Relaxing in the hot springs of La Fortuna, Costa Rica; relaxing rivers and streams heated by the Arenal Volcano
...Zip lining through the rainforest!
...protesting the war & the state marriage amendment together (which means being flipped off by people with pickup trucks together)
...B joined me in vegetarianism...I did NOT coerce him, promise.
...B making it through the MCAT (and scoring above 90th percentile!!!). We both deserve a high five for making it through this, as he turned into a mad scientist for several weeks. He thought only in math and science, which is not very romantic. Also, I don't believe he showered quite frequently enough.
...moving to Dallas, and spending HOURS and HOURS sitting outside in the terrace, relaxing.
...Spending time with my little bro and B together. My little bro LOVES B and even follows him around in his wheelchair some.
...Making it through my first year teaching
...Becoming members of a hot yoga studio
...Studying family systems together, which has done worlds for our relationship!
...Studying Buddhism together, which has done worlds for our spirits.

When I look back over our past, most of the exciting things we've done were before we got married, like white water rafting and ski trips with best friends...my first trip to New York...camping for two weeks in Austin and San Antonio...canoing, kayaking, rock climbing, etc, etc...but really, just like with friendships, the best times are the little times. With my friends, that has usually meant just hours and hours in coffee houses or at lunch. With B, it's the dinners that we make together, our secret shame of going out to eat, and the ability to sit at a book store for an ungodly number of hours.

And now, we approach a couple more life changes. Next week, B starts medical school. We are both excited and yet a little afraid. It is one of those things in which you pretty much know that you'll be fine, but wonder, "what if?" In a way, we feel like we're saying goodbye for awhile, and it's sad. We're soaking one another up this week; we've decared this week "vacation at home." I know there are bigger problems in the world, but in our little corner (rincon pequeno, you see, my spanish is getting better!), this is the thought of the day. Our relationship has grown leaps and bounds in the past six months, even, and I think we've come to both appreciate how blessed we feel to share something so special. It is not all scary; I've got plenty to keep me busy. I'll have a new job (more on that later, still teaching! It's good news.), and am working on my master's (I got in to the Master's of Social Work program, yeah). I'm going to visit a best friend in New Jersey in a couple of weeks...and, I keep saying I'll get more involved with local politics/activism. I've already found a local organization I love (see Central Dallas Ministries link!); I just need to get started. Maybe I can finally show Barack how much I love him, too. B and I have lots of ideas for how we'll safeguard our relationship during the next eight (yes, eight!) years of craziness. We know we'll be okay, but we also know we'll miss eachother.

This moment (below) is important to me for other reasons. Although I was not your typical bride and honestly felt a little coerced (although I did end up having the best day!) into the whole traditional wedding thing by my VERY excited mother (and believe it or not, my husband, who later changed his mind and tried to go back in time to elope), I did have a little wedding stressor, which was that the tent guy forgot the sides to the little tent. This is actually sort of an important tent, b/c it's where you're supposed to hang out with your wedding party until you walk down the isle. My girlfriends/bridesmaids and a couple of special cousins actually constructed some sides out of tulle and clothes pins. Then, they surprised me with mimosas (I had mentioned in passing I could use one- like I said, not a good bride. Then, they went around a circle making individual toasts. I get goose bumps thinking about it... I make AMAZING friends. Amazing.

And I know you're dying for the lyrics to Waste...

Dont want to be an actor pretending on the stage
Dont want to be a writer with my thoughts out on the page
Dont want to be a painter cause everyone comes to look
Dont want to be anything where my lifes an open book

A dream its true
But Id see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you

Dont want to be a farmer working in the sun
Dont want to be an outlaw always on the run
Dont want to be a climber reaching for the top
Dont want to be anything where I dont know when to stop

A dream its true
But Id see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you

So if Im inside your head
Dont believe what you might have read
Youll see what I might have said
To hear it

Come waste your time with me
Come waste your time with me

So if Im inside your head
Dont believe what you might have read
Youll see what I might have said
To hear it

Come waste your time with me

When I dip, you dip, we dip.

Here are some little green flowers that lived on my table for awhile. I like to keep fresh flowers around, and my favorite flowers are casa blanca lillies. About a month ago, I found out that these are *DEADLY* to cats. You know, I remember that friends episode where Phoebe mentions this, but I just thought it was one of those random things Phoebe would say...turns out I am very nearly a cat killer. So, here are my new flowers. Actually, they are dead now, and I am on to some pretty greenish roses. Anyways, I had to photo shop it a little, because I took the pix from far away, and it was grainy when I brought it close up.

I have been tagged by Draco to say 7 quirky things about myself. I've already done this 'tag' in the past, but I think I have enough quirky things to go around, so here are 7 MORE quirky things about moi:

1. To me, animals are just as important as people. I know this screams in the face of many religions that say human life is sacred above all others, but it is the way I feel, that ALL life is sacred. I think we are monkeys...but I love monkeys, so take it as a complement. The picture is of my cat looking human, with a book page (not sure which book, either something Buddhism or something Family Systems) and a soy chai latte (which my husband taught me to make...yum!).
2. I am addicted, and I mean addicted to watching Friends dvd's. My friend JoAnne watches them in order, but I just get stuck on one dvd for awhile, and then move on to another. I wish all of my friends lived in my apartment building and that we didn't work regular work weeks so that we could drink coffee together all day.
3. When I am over the top stressed about work, I sit my mini-dvd player on the side of the bath tub and watch "You've Got Mail" while I drink hot tea and soak it all away.
4. I love to listen to Bach but not Mozart...Mozart feels stressy to me, but Bach seems calming & centering.
5. I seem to constantly crave vinegar...I love salt and vinegar chips, vegetarian buffalo wings (b/c of the vinegar in the sauce), and I love to put tons of vinegar in my chili. Last week, I made chili just so I could eat some vinegar.
6. Sometimes I wake up in the morning to this "spooning pattern," listed from outside to inside: Husband, me, dog, cat. I feel like I have so much love in my home and sometimes can't even believe how lucky we all are for all of this peace. My dog is cuddling with me right now. :)
7. I have an unbelievably short attention span, although I've worked hard to extend it. I used to fall asleep at movies, b/c it was just too long to maintain my attention. I've overcome it, but I still don't have the attention stamina for bowling....I think there should be something like speed bowling for people like me, where you play 5 frames, then go play a game of skee ball, then have a beer w/ interesting conversation, then maybe the other 5 frames. Long conversations always hold my attention, though. My friend Candice and I use to sit for four or five hours at the coffee shop having all kind of scandalous conversations. I miss that. I feel like it is harder to find people willing to slow down here in Dallas; everyone seems on their way to something. Also related, I can't read just one book at a time: always at least 3.

I tag anyone who feels like it.

are you ready for cheesy?

I read today that if you were to open a cocoon, you would pretty much just find ugly mush inside; isn't that weird? I like it, though. I feel kind of like mush now, not mush as in despondent or hopeless, just as in some things are more fuzzy, less clearly-defined, which is okay...but, I really believe the outcome will be better than- oh God the annoyingness of this metaphor- being a caterpillar. Change is always a little scary, but tell me it isn't better to fly than to be a catterpillar? And, here's a picture of a moth I made friends with at the creek.

How much can you lose? How much can you win?

(walk way by my house, what the ants see maybe)

9/07/08: This used to be a fabulous, yet personal post! Thanks to my little blogger friends for helping me work through it. Removed from site, because I have "the fear!" :)

self-portrait challenge: elements

July's self-portrait challenge is elements. July is the first month I've participated in self portrait challenge. The above photo is of me, reflected in water.

The element which brings me solace is water. My most vivid memories of water are of the quaint, still pond at my grandmother's rural home on the Kansas plains. Like a lot of rural families, we lived on her property, so I guess it was my back yard, too. My mom worked nights, and being in the country (with no friends near by) meant a lot (and I mean A LOT) of alone time for me. I came to find so much solace in this time, and in a way it became my very best friend and still is. Much of this time was spent sitting out on the dock, teasing the water with my dangling legs. Swimming with my cousins + aunts, fishing for dinner (yes, I kow how to clean a cat fish, but I don't know if I'd have the stamina for it now), laying on the sand, setting up a slip-n-slide from the top of the bank down into the water, swimming with my dog, making out with my high school boyfriend...It is my favorite place in the world. I got married there. I've told my husband that I'd like my ashes there, if I should go first. To me, the pond, water, represent solitude...and solitude is where I've found the answer for almost every question I've ever had. I don't have a pond in my yard now, but I love to sit by a fountain in our building courtyard and write in my journal. When I take the time, I love to sit by the creek near our house, my journal and my dog.

at the dam

Here is a picture of a crane that I took at the dam near my house. Had a little too much fun with photo shop; looks a little scary now. :)

inspire me thursday: light

I've been meaning to participate in Inspire Me Thursday for a long time. Now, I've had so much fun with the camera that I can't decide what photo to submit for this week's topic: light.

Today, I took this photo this afternoon while hanging outside with my dog. I chose this photo above the others I was considering because it had the most pleasing look sans photo shop. I like the way the light plays off of the water droplets.

Wanna be inspired? Go to www.inspiremethursday.com

In minor ways we differ, in major we're the same

My last post got me to thinking a little more about Maya Angelou's words on the human condition. I decided to post her beautiful poem. The picture is one I took at the creek today. I think it is fitting, except that they are ducks.

Human Family, by Maya Angelou
I note the obvious differences
in the human family.
Some of us are serious,
some thrive on comedy.

Some declare their lives are lived
as true profundity,
and others claim they really live
the real reality.

The variety of our skin tones
can confuse, bemuse, delight,
brown and pink and beige and purple,
tan and blue and white.

I've sailed upon the seven seas
and stopped in every land,
I've seen the wonders of the world
not yet one common man.

I know ten thousand women
called Jane and Mary Jane,
but I've not seen any two
who really were the same.

Mirror twins are different
although their features jibe,
and lovers think quite different thoughts
while lying side by side.

We love and lose in China,
we weep on England's moors,
and laugh and moan in Guinea,
and thrive on Spanish shores.

We seek success in Finland,
are born and die in Maine.
In minor ways we differ,
in major we're the same.

I note the obvious differences
between each sort and type,
but we are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.

We are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.

We are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.

we are family.

My brother came to visit a couple of weeks ago, and we all had the best time. (He's coming again this weekend) I think he had fun. We cooked out, and Tyler got to get his "roll on", rolling his wheelchair all over the courtyard; it is not usual for him to get that much freedom, one of the downfalls of a handicap like this.

Other than the fact that we refuse to live in the suburbs (you either get this or you don't), finding something that worked well for our special situation was probably the biggest factor in the apartment/community that we chose to live in. I wanted something that was obviously handicap accessible (which is not as common as you may think), and then I also wanted a really safe neighborhood where I wouldn't be worried to take him for walks alone. You might be surprised how vulnerable you feel when it's you and then a 170lb individual who is 100% wheelchair dependent. It was different when I could lift him on my own; now that he's outgrown me, not so much. I also wanted a place with a great courtyard, so that we could let him do his own thing, something he hardly ever gets to do. So, yes, we pay too much and it is a giant step up from the 300 sq ft basement apt we had back in KS, but it is worth every penny.

It is good for me, too, expands my mind some. I used to be such a judger of people who wanted conventional things (fancy schmancy cars, boob jobs), and let me tell you, my neighborhood is full of that. But, who am I to judge? Worse than any 'judgee,' I can tell you that. True, I have the most fun in like-minded company, but, like the Maya Angelou said, "We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike." How can I want peace, yet not BE peace? "Be the change you wish to see in the world," Mahatma Gandhi said. Be the peace. Even to the plasticy ones.

Anyways, it took Tyler a long time to fall asleep. He just laid there, smiling at me when I came to check on him. Usually, I don't have him spend the night, but I believe I always will from now on because it was very special. I lay with him for awhile, and ran my fingers through his hair, like I did when we were little kids. Of course, he does not speak, but he smiles when I do this. As I've mentioned before, we were separated in childhood a couple of years after our parents divorced. The summer that it happened, we both went to visit my dad, as usual, but only I returned to Kansas. Every summer I came to visit, and leaving was the hardest thing to do. I remember my dad telling me that Tyler would wheel his chair around the house, looking for me after I had gone back home. I can't tell you how much it really felt like part of my soul was missing during that time; I was so used to him needing me, and then he was gone. He still needed me, I just wasn't there. I don't know why I felt so guilty, but it was overwhelming. I remember having dreams of his funeral, and I wasn't invited. Somewhere along the way, I healed; but it was still natural for me to come to him. I think that is just what we do for family, if they need us. Sure, it's inconvenient at times. Sure, it stands in the way of some of my dreams of running off to a lesser developed country to make my life by the beach. But, maybe the new plans, the plans that life is always throwing at us, are better than what I had invisioned in my finite mind. Like Joseph Campbell said, "We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

electrolytes, underpants, apartment police

Yin and yang. The good side of the balance is that hot yoga has been going quite well! Not only can I totally make it through a class now without symptoms of heat exaustion, but the other day I did two! That's three hours of hot yoga, people! In between, I got almost a 2 hour break and a shower, but I'm hoping to be fit enough to be able to do back-to-back classes, b/c I won't have as much time for yoga once I go back to work and start my master's. I think how much better I'm doing now has something to do with being a little more fit, being more acclimated to the heat, and also that I've started drinking electrolytes during class.

Yang? I decided to delete that.