The when in which she has a toomuh.

Tumor, that is.  

On one hand, it's nice to know I'm not crazy (in one respect).  I've been pretty sure that I used to be much skinner with MUCH more ease, that I did not use to be such a "cloudy" thinker, a sometimes anxious thinker, that my skin was prettier + easier to please, that I was not so shut-the-front-door exhausted to tears...And much, much more.  

Now, pretty much, it all finally adds up.  Tumors on your pituitary are not usually cancerous, but they can really mess with your body, I've come to know.  It is the boss of all of your hormones, and it turns out that hormones are just about everything.  It is shocking how much of our personalities can be chalked up to biochemistry.  It has been an exercise in humility, observing how little control I actually have over not only my body but my emotions and my mind.  While I've never identified with being the skinniest or prettiest (although maybe skinniER or prettiER), I have identified with being on the go and with being somewhat articulate when I want to be.  It's been awhile since I've not been tired (I've finally stepped back and realized this- other people noticed before I did) and since I've been able to find my words the way I used to.   

Honestly, I'm a little afraid of some of this, but only in a big baby way.  If they have to remove it?    Um, are you kidding me?    Yeah, I'm a little concerned about all of the systemic issues like the ongoing fevers I've been trying to figure out for a couple of years, and the lumps popping up all over.  What are those?  They hurt a tiny bit; that's how I find them.  That's a good thing, right?  

It sounds a little frightening on paper, but I have a feeling that certain hormones can cause quite an inflammatory response.  I see an endocrinologist in a couple of weeks, and we'll continue to work on finding some answers.

I have no control.  I never did.  

Thich Nhat Hanh: "Nothing remains the same for two consecutive moments. Heraclitus said we can never bathe twice in the same river. Confucius, while looking at a stream, said, "It is always flowing, day and night." We may be tempted to say that because things are impermanent, there is suffering. If you suffer, it is not because things are impermanent. It is because you believe things are permanent. When a flower dies, you don't suffer much, because you understand that flowers are impermanent. Aware of impermanence, you become positive, loving and wise. Impermanence is good news. Without impermanence, nothing would be possible. With impermanence, every door is open for change. Impermanence is an instrument for our liberation.