Thursday, August 30, 2007

your name + ness

+light+impermanence+being present (the fountain from another angle)

Several weeks ago, I found myself browsing through old keepsakes and photos; I found something that I didn't expect. In the photos, letters, etc., from six or seven years ago I was a different person than I am today, in a way I couldn't identify....and I don't mean different in a better way, but lacking something somehow. I'm smarter now. I feel more spiritually developed now. My career is going better, my friendships are deeper, my romantic relationship is going better...but something is totally missing, and I haven't been able to figure out what it is...

My husband helped me put a name to my mystery. "You've lost your ness," he said. From You, Me & Dupree....you know, your name + ness...what makes you the essense of you.

"You're right. The heck. I've lost my ness."

So, like Peter Pan and his elusive shadow, I sat out to find my ness. Like 'shadow,' it's right here, I know it, but I can't quite seem to pin it down.

I talked to my journal about it. I talked to my dog. Then, I talked to my friend, L, who was a good enough friend to nervously say, "Do you think it could be the weight? That you're not as healthy, as fit as you were?" This may seem crazy, but I hadn't thought of that. Even my dog is more happy and energetic when he sheds extra pounds. I am careful to regard the spirit's effect on the body, I said to L...but I seldom think of the body's effect upon the spirit...My body is my spirit's medium in this lifetime. If I do not care for it, that is all the less it may express itself in the beauty of the human spirit. Chalk one up for L. She moved up a notch in my book for being real, for the quality of her heart, her intent. That is a piece of the puzzle, for sure. I think I still have some sleuthing to do, though.

Among the nostalgic evidence four paragraphs up were lots of pictures, of a thinner me, of course...about 40 lb thinner, but I was more vain too, and what a lot of people didn't know is that my fake nails and 8 different colors of highlights and fancy make up were adding up to credit card debt I wasn't prepared to pay for on a student income...So, yes, I was prettier (to the point that when people see my old id, they say, "that IS NOT you!" (Thanks), but inside I knew I was living a lie, sort of...

Also among my findings were the reminders of one of the strangest experiences I've had....a series of letters and a song/poem written to me by a man who fell in love with me, sort of from afar, when I was about 20. He was much older, probably between 30 and 35. I didn't know he was in love with me for a very long time, but I knew that for weeks roses and short poems were being anonymously left on my car, and once at work I received anonymous flowers with the message, "You are cared for." He did not act creepy, never pressured me in any way, and did not mention his romantic feelings for me except in a packet he once gave me with a letter and a song for me as well as a song he had written for his young daughter. Honestly, his feeling freaked me out, and I started avoiding him some. I just wasn't mature enough to handle it well.

Steve (that's his name) was in chemotherapy at the time. He had just gone through a divorce, and was working at Applebee's for some unknown reason, even though he had previously taught junior college music courses. His daughter had been recently whisked away to another state, and here he was alone, no more career, living with cancer...He felt like he had fallen off the top of the world, that he had lost his creativity, his life force, his essence, his smile. Among other things, you might say his "ness."

What so attracted him to me, he said, was all of the life I had in me. And I did. I shined with life back then. With hope for the future, great idealistic hope...with poetry and nature and health and vitality. I thrived.

The rest of the Steve story is almost unbelievable. Steve finished chemo, no evidence of cancer. Shortly after, he was driving home from visiting his little girl, and a semi-truck swirved into his lane.

Paralyzed, they said. But luck, or what you want to call it, had it's way with Steve again. He would be able to walk, but with pain and extensive rehabilitation. Standing would be like having a knife in his spine. Walking would be as a newly born foal.

In the mean time, he comes back to Applebee's to cook quesadillas and Tequila lime chicken as soon as he is barely able, although he can scarcely walk and should be considered disabled...something about red tape, beauracracy.

One day, Steve passes me a quesadilla or salad or something for my table, and he says he has good news, for once. "I won my law suit (from the trucking co). 4 million dollars (or something like it). I'm quitting."

Shortly after, I moved to finish my degree. I lost touch with Steve. Several months later a mutual friend of ours tracked me down to say that Steve had taken him and others to concerts all over the country, that he had shared his millions with compassion and lightness. That he was full of life. And that his cancer had come back fast and strong. He was gone.

I wonder what Steve would say about the irony; he had a unique life perception. I wonder if his daughter has a copy of the poem her dad wrote for her, which is sitting in my room. My dad, who is usually reserved, once wrote me a special poem, tucked away secretly behind a framed picture he had given me...I found it years later, a secret testament of his love for HIS daughter.

It's hard to get back to discussing "my ness" now that I've gone off into these trails of seriousness, but that is where I'm hopefully headed on my life's path. balance. creating. light. love. peace. compassion. ness.

This silly blog has helped some already, believe it or not. It's a place for me to create again, to muster a little bit of creativity that I might not otherwise take the time for, to synthesize the universe's lessons to me and put it out there for few people who are my blogging world, adding that spice of vulnerability that is medicine for my soul.

+balance+beauty+ (crane at creek, hunting for fish)

Saturday, August 25, 2007

ophelia


My new favorite (always changing) musician is all around general bad-ass India Aire. If you like the message of Maya Angelou's poetic words, you might really like this. Her lyrics are absolutely spiritual...medicine for the collective soul of our culture. A message of female empowerment--that it's okay to 'just be.' I want to play it all day into the ears of American young ladies, young girls go though so much- and women, too, for that matter. Our souls are damaged, clouded by the unforgiving way our culture judges our bodies. I say I don't buy into the aesthetic pressures Western culture puts on women, the microderm abrasion, name brand clothers, but the fact is, I do...So, what I'm saying is that these lyrics- all of her lyrics- are good for my soul. I encourage anyone who hasn't to download some India. Need some help choosing? Try: I Choose, There's Hope, I Am Not My Hair, Wings of Forgiveness)

India Aire - Video Lyrics


Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won't
Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie

When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be
And I know our creator didn't make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes; I'm lovin' what I see

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the
india arie

Am I less of a lady if I don't wear pantyhose?
My mama said a lady ain't what she wears but, what she knows
But, I've drawn a conclusion, it's all an illusion, confusion's the name of the
game
A misconception, a vast deception
Something's gotta change
but,Don't be offended this is all my opinion
ain't nothing that I'm sayin law
This is a true confession of a life learned lesson I was sent here to share with
y'all
So get in where you fit in go on and shine
Clear your mind, now's the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
'Cuz everything's gonna be all right

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie

Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks
I don't need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive car and your caviar
All I need is my guitar
Keep your Kristal and your pistol
I'd rather have a pretty piece of crystal
Don't need your silicone I prefer my own
What God gave me is just fine

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be india arie

Friday, August 24, 2007

things i like...

morning dew.
dense vegetation.
sleepy dog-friend.

a morning ritual


Last year (academic year, that is...teacher talk), I usually woke up at 4:30, a few times 4, and a couple of times even 3:30. As a new teacher, I was so unbelievably over the top stressed and overwhelmed with obligations that this is just when I started my day. I started in on lesson planning, then grading, then lesson planning, then organizing, then lesson planning. Oh, and lesson planning. Of course, eventually I opted for some sanity and set some boundaries here and there...I integrated 10-15 minutes of yoga/meditation into my morning, I set some limits on when I would be willing to work on work outside of, well, work. But as a perfectionist, or more of a failed perfectionist, what I hadn't done to the level I wanted ate at me like crazy. I just couldn't seem to compartmentalize, and I seldom felt truly relaxed, always thinking that there could be a way I could have researched more and made my lessons more creative, engaging. Don't misunderstand, it was a WONDERFUL job that touched me in so many ways and humbled my soul...but for right now, I'm somewhere else, and it is the place for me to be...

Enter new job. What time do I wake up? 4:30. But, people (or person, as the case may have it), it is a whole new 4:30 around here! I ride my exercise bike, journal, drink tea, listen to my "World Flutes" cd...and my favorite part is that Preston the Dog and I have our little morning ritual at the courtyard. He runs around sniffing things and peeing all over. I journal, or I just sit and watch the fountain. Starting my days like this, how could a day turn bad??

Maybe best not to pull at that string.

But still, my days are great. I love my new job in ways that I cannot even put into words. It is the people. The students- I didn't know if I would like high school students, but they already have my heart...and honestly, they are less work than middle school kids by about a million. (Not saying I'll never go back. I'm one of those people who wants to teach everything, all subjects, all ages.) The school is designed for students who have dropped out or are at high risk (the top reasons for dropping out are parenthood, having to support self financially and having to take care of someone at home), and it's just such a special mission that it attracts co-workers who are altruistic-minded indivuduals. These co-workers are some of the most inspiring people I have ever met, ever. I share a room with a few other teachers (the nature of Special Education), and was worried about it...but, these women are medicine for my soul! Each one is strong and unique in their own way, and real in ways that I (or most people that I've met!) had never dared to be. I feel like I laugh all day, work hard, and come home happy and emotionally relaxed.

So, to sum it up, we've got fountains, dogs, laughter and I just found out that the lowest calorie pastry at starbucks is the old fashioned doughnut...pinch me, people.

There is one woman I work with, from an African country, who responds to "how are you" with, "I'm blessed. How are you?" I'm blessed, too.

And corny. Seriously. The old me would really hate me.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

on the edge of...something.


I was at the creek one day when the water was too low to flow over this dam; instead, a couple of turtles sat precariously on the edge, basking in the sun and one another's company. I remember looking away and thinking how presumptious I was being for worrying about the turtles' balance as they rested above the 25 foot drop: animals know what they need and how to care for themselves. Or so it seemed. When I returned my glance, there was just one turtle. Inspite of my grisly accident-scene visions, the falling turtle was fine, sauntering around the still, shallow water at the bottom of the creek. This blew my mind a little, the fact that unless the other turtle falls, the two turtles (who could have been best friends?) might not ever see eachother again. One day, they're sitting warmly on the edge of their world...the next, one has moved on to another world entirely. Animal and insect experiences have always blown my mind a little, in the way that they make an easy analogy to the human experience...we think everything is such a big deal, that each of our lives is it's own huge, especially important big deal...Do animals and insects have a similar perspective? There is the spider who loses his web, his life's work, when I mistakenly catch it on the handles of my bicycle. To me, it is an insignificant event. Does the spider think, like a human might, "there is a greater purpose in this." Or, "God must be punishing me for eating that fly." Does he read, "Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good Spiders?" I don't really have a point. I guess it's just that when I think about an animal's perspective, it makes me think about how absolutely tiny I actually am. And that's okay.

I'm on an edge of change, too, as I have been for awhile. Tomorrow, I start a new job. In only a couple of weeks, I start the actual classes for my master's. B starts his third week of medical school tomorrow. There is some anxiety, but it is for fear of the unknown, which is just a natural response. Things are changing and changing, as things do. The little pleasures have been feeling especially poignant: celebrating my friend's birthday at a candle-lit dinner with wine and friends at a warm, welcoming Greek restaurant where the Greek owner cooks the meal herself and begs you to try to most authentic items; going to see Harry Potter with my 12-year old brother last night and sitting in the front; eating vegetarian tacos & red wine with my husband for dinner tonight; reading before bed.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Yes, it's a doggie water fountain.


I never noticed this dog water fountain by the creek, probably b/c my dog jumps right in, ingesting copius amounts of urban creek pollution as he has his fun. I didn't take him to the creek as much this summer as I wish I would have; but, it's still warm, and we'll still get to go!

Tomorrow is my last day of summer vacation. I wasn't supposed to start for two weeks, but I have a new position, so I have to go back early. Still teaching, but special education now, and less than 2 miles from my front door! Two miles, people. I'm so excited. I loved (after learning to love!) my last job, but I really wanted to be in my community. So, now I am! I think I might end up with a lot less take-home, since I won't be planning lessons or taking my own grades (it's like a resource position)...so, this is good since I'm working on my master's and trying like hell to actually be able to communicate in Spanish.

B and I are still married (tongue in cheek), by the way; medical school is keeping him very busy, but not above and beyond what we anticipated. We just have to be sure to plan in the time and hold to it. I'm a person who loves tons of alone time, finding my balance in the solitude, so I'm doing pretty well (some people say it's actually harder on the spouse, bc they are the one waiting around for someone else), b/c to me it has just cut down on our non-quality time together and intensified our actual quality time. It's a fun challenge. We spend time studying together, too. We go to Panera (they just built one by our house!), and I practice the Rosetta Stone Spanish while he learns about cell biology: both VERY useful!

I'm going to miss my dog when I go back to work. We've spent so much time together this summer, mostly cuddling, honestly; he is a spooner. Good news is, my new job is so close that I can drop Preston off at doggie daycare across the street in the morning so that he gets some playing and some time off from being tortured by the cat.

Sometimes when I look over ramblings like these, I think my life seems so boring: spooning with the dog, sitting at Panera, the untold pleasures of the dog water fountain at the creek, etc. And, I'm so thankful for all of these simple pleasures.