Pretties.

My great, great aunt made the quilt.  I LOVE it.  I have another that I also love, which also seems to be fashioned from moo moos but less matchy ones.  I love prints.  

Dear B + B's dad,

Thank-you for my door.

Love, 

Riley

Oak Cliff Nature Preserve

Not long ago, B + I went hiking at the Oak Cliff Nature Preserve.  

There were rocks with seedy pasts. 

There were trails much more steep and rocky that the brave people (not me) fly through on their mountain bikes.   One thing we learned here is not all Oak Cliff Nature Preserve trails are equal.  Just because the first one took 11 minutes doesn't mean you will get off of the next one before dark.

There were roots.  And moss.

Happy accident.

Ghettoasis Treasures

Lizard + English Ivy during our front-yard picnic.

Waiting to bloom.

Snail rapture.

Charlie, charlie, charlie.

When I first opened up my new computer, it did a whole mess of fancy things, including automatically playing this fancy pants video, making me feel like I was in one of those omnimax films. Then, out of nowhere, my own face was staring back at me. The heck? But the pictures are scary, no? Kind of reminds me of when the tv was lighting up the little girl's face in Poltergeist. Oooh.

The when in which she has a toomuh.

Tumor, that is.  

On one hand, it's nice to know I'm not crazy (in one respect).  I've been pretty sure that I used to be much skinner with MUCH more ease, that I did not use to be such a "cloudy" thinker, a sometimes anxious thinker, that my skin was prettier + easier to please, that I was not so shut-the-front-door exhausted to tears...And much, much more.  

Now, pretty much, it all finally adds up.  Tumors on your pituitary are not usually cancerous, but they can really mess with your body, I've come to know.  It is the boss of all of your hormones, and it turns out that hormones are just about everything.  It is shocking how much of our personalities can be chalked up to biochemistry.  It has been an exercise in humility, observing how little control I actually have over not only my body but my emotions and my mind.  While I've never identified with being the skinniest or prettiest (although maybe skinniER or prettiER), I have identified with being on the go and with being somewhat articulate when I want to be.  It's been awhile since I've not been tired (I've finally stepped back and realized this- other people noticed before I did) and since I've been able to find my words the way I used to.   

Honestly, I'm a little afraid of some of this, but only in a big baby way.  If they have to remove it?    Um, are you kidding me?    Yeah, I'm a little concerned about all of the systemic issues like the ongoing fevers I've been trying to figure out for a couple of years, and the lumps popping up all over.  What are those?  They hurt a tiny bit; that's how I find them.  That's a good thing, right?  

It sounds a little frightening on paper, but I have a feeling that certain hormones can cause quite an inflammatory response.  I see an endocrinologist in a couple of weeks, and we'll continue to work on finding some answers.

I have no control.  I never did.  

Thich Nhat Hanh: "Nothing remains the same for two consecutive moments. Heraclitus said we can never bathe twice in the same river. Confucius, while looking at a stream, said, "It is always flowing, day and night." We may be tempted to say that because things are impermanent, there is suffering. If you suffer, it is not because things are impermanent. It is because you believe things are permanent. When a flower dies, you don't suffer much, because you understand that flowers are impermanent. Aware of impermanence, you become positive, loving and wise. Impermanence is good news. Without impermanence, nothing would be possible. With impermanence, every door is open for change. Impermanence is an instrument for our liberation.

The one in which she pees her pants. Really.

Our new gazebo thingy + patio furniture + three dogs

My lot in life seems to be humility.  For example, ask me how I know this:  If you have to pee, and then you pass out, you will pee on yourself while you are passed out.  

A couple of weeks ago, I was getting some tests done.  I meditated that morning, so I felt uber zen.  Even when I set in the blood taker chair,  I thought, "This is where I am.  I want to be present for it."  So, I went into the feeling of slight anxiety I had, and as usual, that made it go away.  Might as well look at the needle, I thought, if I'm really going to be present.  

Then I felt tingly.  The last thing I remember is this phebotomist lady (think Aunt Jemima) ordering me, "you better not pass out, because I'm not picking me up off the floor."  

I left the lab that day, my own personal walk of shame, with a phlemobomist coat wrapped around my waste and a look from several people in the waiting room that said, "Was that the only chair?"

Ah, a day in the life.

In other news, today I went to get a brain MRI.  It was my first needle since you know what.  Same building.  I got through the no contrast part fine, easy peasy.  Before they even touched the needle to my arm for the freaky injection of metal dye, I knew the game was over and I was on my way out.  I think my mind made me do it; it's like becoming Miss Pee Pants gave me a phobia, so now I'll pass out regardless!  Anyways, they told me to come back later and take some of their chewable xanax and that I should be fine.  

We're both super excited about nerdy stuff like our patio furniture and gazebo thing.  The creek comes with an army of mosquitos.  Now, we have our own little plan, muah ha ha.

Oh, yesterday my cat jumped up and knocked down my cup of tea onto my computer.  So, I got a new one.  Sad to lose my old computer, but I knew it's days were numbered anyways.  I'm really loving my new Mac-- I got the "green" one, because well, I haven't set up my recycling.  So, now when my hip, liberal environmentalist (as I proclaim to be, except for hip) neighbors notice I never take my recycle bin out to the curb, I can flash them my super green macbook.