Long & emotional. Sorry.
So, I'm finally a teacher. I majored in it. Decided it wasn't for me. Did other stuff. Loved it but made no money. And I mean NO money. Then, realized when teaching at a zoo (and making NO money) that I DO love teaching! My husband is a breath away from medical school, and we decided (based on finances/shedules/my love for kids and education) this would be the perfect job for me during this time. I'm definitely not in the area I always planned, though. Although I majored in sp. education (with the intention of working with moderately to severely disabled kids), there were no special education positions left in the program that I entered...
So, I would be a generalist with ESL certification. Why not? Ironic, yes, b/c all through college I secretly complained about having to do "regular education" projects when I would surely only ever teach special education. But I guess if I have learned anything by now, it is that life is ironic.
Then I was offered a job in middle school, teaching reading and ESL writing (I know I use poor grammar on here all the time!). Take it? Or not? Hold out for an elementary position and let this position go by, or snatch it up and see if it is all that I feared it would be? Middle school, people. This would be the time of my life that I most want to forget....
***update (9/07/08): A WHOLE bunch of stuff I deleted which ended up with me not living at home anymore***
I hardly remember any of my teachers, although one did plant a lovely seed and I will always have gratitude for her...but that is another story. (although she happened to teach reading and writing, which is what I teach, too) I guess my real question is, can I be peaceful while working to cultivate peace in such an unpeaceful environment?
All I can tell you about the answer (if you've read this far!) is that it is elusive.
Monday, March 12, 2007
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My peaceful little friend,
ReplyDeleteI never talk about how I feel but alas I am in an altered state and tonight I shall. I have spent several of the last years doing that whole busy-ness=happiness thing but have sort of figured those things out since the last 2 years have passed. And although I think I am still happiest when I am busy, it is difficult to see you struggle through such things, especially whenever my busy-ness is something that I feel makes me so consistently happy.
I think that you are wonderful in the world of these kids, even though it is not instantly gratifying and even though it may not always seem like it. But I hope for you also the foundation of a good school, the support of administrators, and the wealth of being surrounded by tons of great, supportive teachers. It is a difficult decision that only you can make, and I am with you either way.
And, if you ever need a drinking buddy b/c you decide the wrong thing, I"m here, too.
-L
"two roads diverged in a wood and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made
all the difference."
Big RFdawg
Oh Faye! This is a hard decision indeed. Sometimes it helps me to sit down, make a list of all the pros and cons and details about either path. Then I promptly throw out the list and try to listen to what my gut says. Somehow doing the practical part first makes me better able to intuit my answer.
ReplyDeleteRegardless, it does sound like something needs to shift. Either finding better coping mechanisms so you can create more peace in the midst of chaos, or figuring something else out altogether, the rumblings of change are taking hold.
Thank you for sharing all of this -- it's quite a story and makes ME want to take you out for a soy chai latte! :)
I think some people are meant to deal w/ jobs like this and know it...they feel a calling to it. Some people aren't meant to, but do it anyway, and they are the mean one's you speak of...because they feel they HAVE to do it, regardless. And some people just get thrown into it by chance, and want it to be better, but since it was all an accident that they are there anyway, they can't really effect the change they wish to see and end up making themselves so wholly miserable by the whole thing that it sucks the life out of them. My bet is the latter is you. It might not feel like it right this moment, but if you keep at it, it will. The thing is, you are not a bad person just because you can't handle a job like that...you are probably a pretty important person to some kid right this minute...but in the end, you will change yourself so completely by sticking with it that it probably isn't worth it.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I'm probably full of hooey, and you perhaps it is fate that led you to this place because this is where you were supposed to be all along. The part you weren't counting on is how it affects you.
Money is often times, simply not worth it.