i have...

loooooooots of news.


I haven't been writing or reading.


Processing instead.


It's all good.


"When the shit hits the fan, we keep our heart open." Pema Chodron

Only surrender can give you what you were looking for in the object of your love. The ego says surrender is not necessary because I love this person. It's an unconscious process of course. The moment you accept completely what is, something inside you emerges that had been covered up by egoic wanting. It is an innate, indwelling peace, stillness, aliveness. It is the unconditioned, who you are in your essence. It is what you had been looking for in the love object. It is yourself. When that happens, a completely different kind of love is present which is not subject to love / hate. It doesn't single out one thing or person as special. It's absurd to even use the same word for it. Now it can happen that even in a normal love / hate relationship, occasionally, you enter the state of surrender. Temporarily, briefly, it happens: you experience a deeper universal love and a complete acceptance that can sometimes shine through, even in an otherwise egoic relationship.

-Eckhart Tolle

...."whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It's your mission on earth."
...."And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to acheive it."


Paulo Coelho

What? Me?

Okay, so when my computer, my love, went on sabbatical, I gave some things up. One of them was visiting the fab website, Crazy Sexy Life. You know, Kris Carr? You know. Anyways, I love it there! I believe the support among like-minded folks I've received there is part of how I figured out how to get better and leave the health drama behind. I especially love Fit Club, where you can informally log your workouts, etc., and give and receive support from others. It's quite warm, quite fuzzy.

So, while I was away, I was chosen as member of the week! Had no idea. Love that! So touched. I'm never skipping out on CSL again!

So, to reiterate: I'm SO much better. I'm mostly balanced at work. I've lost between 16 and 20 biggies (so far!) that I put on when I was sick, depending on how you look at it. I'm in my goal (first goal) jeans- Okay, so they used to be my fat pants. Who cares! Oh, and I did make it to the super fancy pants specialist of all endocrine tumors, etc. I could give you details, but I'm so OVER the details of my lack of health. Let's talk about the many, many fabulous counterparts, such as the body that sustained me, the wisdom from teachers like Byron Katie, Eckhart Tolle, Pema Chodron, etc. that kept me from losing my mind during that crazy ass time. I will never, ever be the same. I will always give my body everything it wants and says it needs, I have little doubt of that.

My mom turned fifty yesterday; I know, young! When she was my age, she had a fifth grader. I truly cannot imagine. I turned twenty-ten last week, celebrating, of course at Eno's. I've got some very special livelifetothefullest tentative plans for this year, but I'm a bit superstitious to reveal- Last year, people I love dearly kept getting cancer when I was planning trips. Thank God for the blessings of health that everyone in my family seems to be enjoying right now. Peace, the utmost peace, to those going through a different experience.

B and I are going through a weird time, but are each growing so much because of it. Will expound when ready.

Hmm, seen my social filter? No?

hot yoga + pitta?

Expressing myself in list form today. I've had coffee, because it seemed quite perfect on a balmy, rainy Sunday day (and it was); however, I'm talking fast and with the random streak of a four year old, so I doubt my ability to string together words in a manner that is cohesive and intelligible. Stream of consciousness wins again.

+I haven't been blogging because my computer is on sabbatical. Her screen went white, which turns out is detrimental in Macintosh land. I don't feel quite as inspired when on borrowed laptop, so, you know. I haven't been around. I'll get my computer fixed for the approximate price of one leg in January when into a new budget. Why didn't Applecare fix it with their famously fab service, you ask? Well... Cautionary note: If you spilled some water on your computer in the distant past and it is fine, consider never ever admiting this to any computer warranty people. I know what you are thinking: I wouldn't dumba##, and why did you? Call me an idealist- the truth doesn't (usually) let me down.

+My mom's last scan: CLEAR!!! We are smashing cancer like CRAZY, this family!

+Believe it or not, after all of my accolades for hot yoga, I had to say goodbye for now. My pitta (this is the heat, the fire element, in our bodies- according to ayurveda) went through the roof, with all of the hot yoga I was doing (my goal was 7.5 hrs/week). My face began to constantly burn, much like hot flashes. I started to feel bitter and more easily angered, all signs of pitta aggravation. As much as I loved hot yoga, something about how my life is today-- the increased balance, the Transendental Meditation-- I was able to let go of it quite easily and move over to a non-hot yoga studio. I may revisit hot yoga in winter time, when pitta is at it's lowest. Or not.

+As you may have heard me whine about previously, hormonal dramas of youknowwhat (which I just refuse to give more talk to) made it sooooo easy to gain weight and soooo hard to lose. (Do not let them tell you it's because you are getting older, ladies! Get your everything tested.) You may have also heard me bragging shamelessly that, since I regained much that energy I had lost, I have been working it at the gym like Britney. I mean working it. If you have ever lost your health, just observed your ability to get up and function like a normal person, maybe you understand my zeal. I am so confident I will always treat my body with just zealous respect and attention. It is odd how discipline is just not an issue, even a bit, after I have been through that life changing event.

+...Which is all the better for fitting in my (actually quite pretty) bridesmaid dress, as well. I'm in that wedding on this Saturday. In charming Kansas City, which I looooove. Ah, fall; already starting to seduce with her early-turning colors there. As far as the wedding, I am thoroughly thrilled to be there for my loyal, funny friend who surprised me at my own wedding with a mimosa , right before I headed down the isle. Took the edge off. Never mind the clonopin the univ dr gave me to make it through the day.

+I don't need anything to take the edge off at work these days, because it is going amazingly smoothly. I love my team, and my students, and their parents- who have already been volunteering in my room! I'm going in early daily when things are quiet, and I am leaving right on time. My boundaries are clear and have not been stretched. If I have to address something that just has to take extra time that week, I give that time back to myself the following week by not going in early or by going in early but my latest leisure book in classroom instead of working. The atmosphere of the room is soothing; it feels calming, conducive to thinking, and I feel at home there. Plants on every table, lamps instead of the florescent overheads, a candle on a candle warmer and a little fountain on the window where the sun shines in. Watching the kids already being so passionate about exploring authors they love, choosing a book because it won the Caldecott medal, and connecting themes among texts on their own, I'm reminded of why I have a passion for teaching. I am so blessed that I have finally found a balance in it, because spending the day with kids is an opportunity I haven't found words to describe.

+I'm working more diligently on my Spanish, in and out of the classroom (Ideally, I should be using as much Spanish as I can on Mon/Wed/Fri). Growth has felt slow, and I hope I will soon hit a critical mass .

+Live music + wine tonight in a well-designed, friendly atmosphere...M +D, are you reading this? Wanna come? Anyone else? Katrina?

namaste

I have never wanted a tattoo badly enough to consider the physical pain of doing so. I mean, I can be kind of a baby. Indecisive, too. I like change, or at least I seem to have a lot of it, so it always seemed like a tattoo would be too permanent. Then, I read an Ani DiFranco quote somewhere that said something about how she realized her tattoos were no more permanent than she herself. Wow. I'm listening....And then something about going to hot yoga so many hours a week, I'm feeling the desire to commemorate the end of my challenge. It is not for many more weeks, so I have the time to think on it.

I'm thinking 'namaste' or an interpretation of namaste, and I'm thinking on my foot, on the inside. The color of henna. If there is something that I've most taken from all of this exhausting 7+ hours of yoga a week, it's that I hope to remember that the very best in me sees the very best in you...and to remember that those aren't different things. Somehow, in all of that sweating and exhaustion and pushing of limits, there is a transcendence that occurs as the body and breath sync; the illusion of separateness falls away a tiny little bit. I want to take that with me all day.

In other news, I was in KC this weekend for a very special friend's bachelorette weekend. It was such a great time with funny, down to earth women. I left missing Kansas dearly, to be honest. I love it here as much as I can, but I miss the midwest state of mind. I miss being near friends I've known for years and most of my family.

Having said all this, last summer I also whined about living in Dallas and when I let it go and focused more on the essence of what I was looking for (diversity, real people, nature, charm, community), I found it right here somehow. B and I talk about manifesting a bit, which makes us both feel kind of flaky; but deeply, I do feel that the universe is intelligent and responsive, and I do see evidence of like attracting like all around me.

So, here it goes. The essence of what I'm missing is...invested friendships that are deep and light and fun at the same time...connection with family members...charming, old-world surroundings...simplicity...walking to a slow, steady beat...cycles in nature, like the expansion and contraction of fall, then winter, then spring and summer...I can't pinpoint what I love about that one...variety? the hopefulness of spring? the artfulness of fall?

And tomorrow, when students return and responsibilities start to call to me faster than I can answer, I just hope to be balanced. I feel protective of my life balance, and vulnerable to lose it. I think yoga during the week may be my best balancer. I am so afraid, honestly, of going back to only existing as a self during the weekends, that is if I can get my mind off of work. I joined a book club. I have yoga. Balance...Peace...Respect for myself and my body...That's the essence of what I'm hoping to get out of this year.

i had to leave the house of self-importance
to doodle my first tattoo
realize a tattoo is no more permanent
than i am, and who
ever said that life is suffering
i think they had their finger on the pulse of joy
ain't the power of transcendence
the greatest one we can employ

- Ani Difranco

how did i not see this during the election?

The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.

I actually hate myself for how much I love Sarah Silverman.