Rocka Chakra

I just finished week one of a 9 week hot yoga challenge.  I'm loving it more than I can find the words for at almost 2 in the morning.  In only a week or so, I get my first yoga foundation bracelet, which is surprisingly exciting for me (and according to their illustration, I will have awoken the vag. chakra?).  I'm just so happy that my body is able to support me and make such a nice place for my spirit.  I don't know where all this is coming from, but I've just been overflowing with body gratitude as of late.  Things are just so great.  You know, I whined about not being able to run again, but look where it got me.  I would not have signed up for another shot at the hot yoga studio if it weren't for my running defeat.  And hot yoga is where I need to be right now.  I love it.  I'm so grateful.  I do not at all mind almost always being in the lowest percentile of yogic ability in the room full of Cirque de Soleil performers or a Free Willy stunt double compared to the Hollywood physique that finds it's way into that place; it's so about me and my body and spirit.  And you know what else- it's nice to frequent uptown again.  I had gotten to feeling like I lived far from uptown, which is really silly because it's something like a ten minute drive.  What is it with that river making you think you are driving farther than you are? 

In a couple of weeks, I'm headed to KC for a very good friend's wedding shower, we rented a whole giant bed and breakfast for girl time, extravaganza.  I'm in her wedding in Sept, and I forgive her for choosing satin dresses, which I'm wondering could be nicknamed cellulite spotlights.  Actually, the dresses are beautiful, and I think any fatty boomalattie spots can be treated with the undergarment of steel titanium I'll be donning.  I know.  Hot.  For serious, though, I'm so happy to be there for my friend after she was there for me and helped me survive my own wedding.  I was not the most "bride-y" of brides, but my bridesmaids/personal attendant who was more in a position of maid of honor, really- they knew how to do it, and they kept me sane.    I'm so excited!

Gerson therapy, modified, is just getting better and better.  I've been increasingly leaning more and more into the protocol for about four weeks, and the difference is just crazy.  Number one is just that dang juice.  I can't freakin' believe it.  Juice!!!  I love the whole Gerson thing, though.  I'm just now working on decreasing my salt because of the whole sodium/potassium ratio that is apparently integral to Gerson therapy; I wasn't sure I wanted to do that part, because of the sodium issues that are a part of low adrenal function- but I'm leaning into it.  Tonight, I had half of a baked potato with Greek Yogurt, sauteed garlic cloves and lemon juice for flavor.  It was so good.

I can never completely do any sort of protocal, like Gerson or raw food.  I'd like to do most of both of them at some point, I believe.  I'm too much of a foodie to go all the way, though.  It's my passion, food.  I could never live without having spinach crepes at Cafe Brazil or the Twig and Branch pizza at Bolsa...Street Side salad with garlic bread  and butter with truffle oil at Eno's...Sante Fe Omelette with a mimosa at Dream Cafe...Eggplant parm at Maggiano's...Sprinkle's cupcakes...Taco Diner's guacamole...all of the pretty cheeses and pastries at Whole Foods...

I.  Love.  Food.

juicy

I looove Jennifer Weiner's books. If I didn't already enjoy that they are easy reads about unconventional women, I'd read them for the decadent food descriptions. Hands down, I'm a foodie. Meal chronicles such as, "garlic and white-bean puree with truffle oil" tap into my best foodie instincts, and I'm ready to savour some words.

Literature + bubble bath = ooh. But how about some juice with that? Carrot juice with apple. Thank you Super Angel (pretty, pretty princess) juicer! Yesterday was my biggest juicing day yet with five whole juices, four of which were green.

And did I mention I'm caffeine free for something like seven days? I have recently heard caffeine dependency described as living off of credit: If you don't pay it back, your account suffers because you are essentially living off of a facade. Er, I think I get it. I may not even be a person who can have an occasional caffeine drink; it's indelibly easy for me to slip into the routine of using it to elevate my energy so I can do more. Do more! Do more! For example, right now I feel a little tired. In (seven) days gone by, this means I'd get some coffee, a whole jittery pot; since I'm not running to pour a cup, I have some foresight and think about the fact I slept 6 hours last night instead of 7 or 8. I need a nap, not a coffee. Naps are sustainable (yes they are); coffee is not sustainable in that capacity. Right. I don’t want it anyways. Yes I do. No I don’t.

Let's talk about all of the nutrition I had yesterday! Juice, man. I meant it when I said I was done with this sickness crap- and then with B’s mom and my mom both getting lymphoma in the same breath- it’s to much. So, my answer, or part of it: juice. Four green’s yesterday, and one carrot. That's about an entire head of romaine lettuce- those are huge! Also, a green pepper, three whole organic carrots and one green apple. And that's just for my juice! I ate food, too. And since I’m trying to shrink my arse, now that I know that every extra pound of fat is extra hormones your body has to regulate, I made sure to stay in my little calorie range. Iphones have a good app for this, called “Lose It.”

Where is she getting all of this energy, you ask? Something that's making an heavy impact is that B and I went to Austin to learn Transcendental Meditation. I had been considering it for a year or so, and once Bruce learned about all of the studies on TM, he wanted in too. I'm finding my meditation has improved HUGELY. I mean, I cannot even tell you how much better it is- life changing better. My perspective has just shifted in these past seven days that I’ve been practicing...I have more of a sense of the commonality we share. That's right, you and me. We are s to the ame.*

*I’m willing to hold nerdy white girl gangsta talk coaching sessions, but they are e to the xtra.

my first green juice

Decided on the Angel Juicer, mostly because many reported greater ease of cleaning than the Greenstar juicer. Love it, and have been juicing a carrot/apple combination every day. Today, I made my first green juice. I'm trying out the juices from the Gerson Therapy.

For my first green juice, I didn't want to be complicated, so I went with romaine and quarter of a green pepper. The vertical spout is where the veggies go in. One plastic container holds the pulp, and one holds the juice.

I was afraid it might taste bitter, but it didn't! It actually tastes like sweetish, lettucy water. Refreshing.

Here is the leftover fiber. The rationale behind leaving behind the fiber in juicing is that your body can take in far more nutrients than it would otherwise be able to digest. I'm one of those people who gets very tired after eating, so I find this extra appealing to give my digestion a break.

Clean up: About 3 minutes! I didn't even need to use the special brush that came with the juicer. Just a hot rinse, + it's shiny new.

Conclusion: Angel juicer gets 4 out of 5 juice glasses. One goes missing for expense + because it is less versatile than the Greenstar. The super easy clean up + pretty princess design means I'd choose it again!

Ghetto Disclaimer: Tile grout is permanently this color! I know. Yes, I've tried the paint stuff, but I'm open to your ideas. At any rate, this is how the counters always look-- can be ghetto, but no one wants to look more ghetto than they actually are!

bubbles on a stream.

I have this quote and design on a coffee mug that just might

be my main source of wisdom at the moment.

This is a strange time for me.

I'm not sure if I should even say up here what all is going on. In 3 months, my health has spiraled, my husband's mom has been diagnosed and then cured of non-hodgkin's lymphoma, then today we find out my mom might have ovarian cancer-- she is not insured, and won't know for sure until her medicaid goes through, but apparently that's what they are thinking. Yesterday, I found out that another very special person to me has been dx'd with pancreatic cancer. Bless her. Bless my mom. Bless B's mom. Bless all of us.

I went to the new endo yesterday who said he's not ready to treat the tumor- unless it's Cushings, which he's checking for, and in which case I'll need neurosurgery this summer (but this is very unlikely). Interesting. I think I need to juice. I think I need to run again. To write. To somehow deal. This is the weirdest time- somehow dark, yet I know that there is a purpose. I'm not sure what to do, really.

no more fudge-ickles.

Green star juicer. Cheaper. Uglier. Crazy amounts of versatile. Lots of people love it, including juice guru Kris Carr.

Pretty, pretty princess Super Angel Juicer. Supposed to make better juicer. More expensive. Supposed to be easier to clean. I don't think it's as versatile. So pretty.

Downtown Dallas from the zoo monorail. Zoo monorail!

It's a big week.

Work + Me as a Neurotic: There are two more days of school. I'm going to miss this group SO much that I wondered how I'd do it this time! And there's the silver lining of this health drama- nothing can make me NOT want the school year to end right now. This is all my ego talking, because I love teaching; honestly, I'm ready for a break from the sucking at my job feeling. This has really taught me how strongly I identify with doing well at work. Right now, I just can't do what I used to be able to do, and I have to find a way to be ok with that. I'm so surprised at how "Monica" (from Friends) I am about it-- I want to run around to everyone: "Are we okay? Really, even secretly? What about now? Now?" I'm often observing thoughts like, "Does she think I'm making this up?" I want to be that person who doesn't care what others think, but my thoughts are more along the lines of, "Is there anything I can do so you will like me? Please? Like me?" Don't get me wrong- when I decide it's okay, I can easily get over someone not liking me; but it's very rare that I truly write someone off like that.

Green things: Getting a real, fancy pants juicer! I'm SOOOOOOOOO over this health crap. I watched a couple of documentaries, too; that, combined with this health dram fest may have just put me over the edge to a healthier me. The other green thing coming into my life is (maybe)...wait for it...a PRIUS!!! If the 90's hippie conversion van could see me now!

When I get more healthy: I'm going to be more present with my family and my friends and my funky little pets. This weekend was my dad's 50th birthday (my parents had me when they were young!). He got a Fender! My dad is seriously a rock star guitar player. There's all this musical talent in my family. You should hear my mom sing, too. And my aunt. Me, I'm like those people who try out for American Idol that have a dream but not much talent. I rock out, it just doesn't make a pleasant sound. like you hear on the radio...I've been thinking of trying guitar (again); my dad kind of inspired me. Sometime I'm going to get one of those electric pianos, too. It keeps getting pushed to the back of the budget. That's okay, though. I'm glad I got my camera first. It was my present to myself for doing leadership team.

Well the good news is I got a hair cut and it was at an Aveda spa for uber comfort and relaxing (and wine for the asking); I also don't look like Laura Ingalls Wilder anymore.

Also, Thursday I saw India Arie in concert. Please see her; she is the voice of women and exactly what I needed. I only saw her for about 30 minutes because I was just tired, but it was perfect. Her positive and spiritual message is beautiful; it just seems like the answers the world needs, especially women. After all of the weight gain (put on over the past 6 or so years, being sick and not knowing it) , listening to India sing songs like "This Too Shall Pass" and "Video" was perfect. At the beginning, she prayed that the concert would touch everyone in exactly the way they needed.

The other news is my health has very much spiraled as we attempt to figure this tumor thing out. I can barely get out of bed sometimes; it's unbelievable- we are talking tired to the point that I'll have B drive me some place to "get out of the house," and by the time we pull up, it's not worth getting out of the car for me, and I sleep right there. I've never felt anything like this. My work and family and friends (although I rarely am social these days) have been fantastic. My mom flew out here when B visited his mom (dealing with chemo!), so I was not alone. My work has given me the space I've needed, including the wonderful parents of my classroom; I don't like to discuss work in detail, but I will say that 12 parents attended our final field trip! Sadly, I just haven't had the stamina/physical stability for the past two field trips. It's been hard. I so identify with my role at work, being good at it...and, although I still stand proudly behind my teaching, there is much that I just can't do. I love being with my students. I love teaching. Missing the last field trip was unbelievably hard; the humility of watching a sub and 12 (very kind- I don't know what I'd do without them!) parents load my students onto a bus because I couldn't do it all just hit me at once, and I went to my class and just cried.

Thank God for the people I work for, the people I work with, the kids I teach and their parents. Thank God for B, for my family, for my friends who put up with me never ever calling. I know this too shall pass. I know it's all good in the end. I know I will see it. I have enough wisdom to know it will come, I just don't have the wisdom to see it right now.

Wednesday I visited my infinitely wise gp (message me if you are a Cliffie and need a fabulous THINKING, non-egoic gp!). I knew things were much worse, but it's one of those things in which I've felt so exhausted for so long that I'm not sure what's what these days. She looked at my cortisol labs and said, "Your life is hell." I had this instant feeling of validation-- for people going through something that no one can seem to figure out exactly, the LAST thing you want is a normal lab or a dr to minimize things! She tells me I'm approaching total adrenal failure and I need to get into a good endo in "days, not weeks." I think only a handful of people will understand why this was good news to hear (as was the tumor!).

The endo, I'm working on. My last endocrinologist was, well, we're not going to work out. I cannot wait out the left-brain logical-sequential approach to this. I'd like to get into someone that specializes in pituitary issues; I'm wait listed right now but some say they can see me if my gp asks for an urgent referral (working on).

I have researched cortisol levels that are this low, and it seems that these people wear medical bracelets-- you need cortisol to live. If you're in an accident or ill and your body can't make cortisol, that's a life or death thing. I'm not certain if this applies to me-- I tend to think we just don't know if it applies to me. We don't know how or why my cortisol has tanked, if its related to the tumor or no.

I'm getting a little, not worried, but wondering if this is going to be something more serious. When you step out far enough, there are only a couple of things that would make sense and encompass the breadth of lab results and clinical symptoms. One is not very good, and one is pretty bad.

I cycle between acceptance of my new normal and then desperate fantasies of coming back to next year's school year as if I've been 'watered,' energetic, thin again, healthy and strong. And then there are the darker times in which I wonder if this is the beginning of some kind of end, of what's nature I don't yet understand. I know I'll come to terms with whatever I need to reconcile, but I'm finding myself grasping onto the structures I've so intentionally built into my life. I want them to be permanent; I love them. Intellectually I'm aware of the ephemerality of things, and yet intellectually, I grasp. Another day, another paradox.

:)

The one in which she professes miracles.

fruit-salad + eggs with sweet potatoes + coffee.

Seriously. Baby Jesus? Genie?

How, how, how, after FOUR weeks of predictable debilitating headaches, do I not have one right now? And did not have one last night? (And last night would have been the debilitating one...the morning/afternoon ones are like a light migraine; the night one, I cannot describe.)

EXACTLY at the point in which I honestly felt like I had NO IDEA WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO.

These things go in cycles, and I am thinking my "cycle" might be over. I am in disbelief over the timing.

Sometimes I wonder if all this is happening because I keep saying I want to grow personally, spiritually...It's like one gut check after another. I really and truly do wonder this.

I'm headed off to the zoo, medication-free, which means I'll have real actual emotions and be more of a person than a zombie!!

WOW!

The one that is ironic.

How's that for ironic.  Right after all of my whining and admitting defeat, this is my first night in WEEKS (I'm thinking 4) that I have not had a headache right on schedule, starting at around 5:30- 5:45.  I started to get it.  I drank a lot of water and some caffeine.  I took no medicine; it's gone.  I just can't believe it.  I had been starting to get a little afraid, too, because of how they had been gaining in intensity.  I am terrified of having attacks like what I've head about; who wouldn't be?!

Anyways, now I'm wondering:  Is the cycle over?  

A cluster headache is one of the most painful types of headache. A striking feature of cluster headache is that the attacks occur in cyclical patterns, or clusters — which gives the condition its name.

Bouts of frequent attacks — known as cluster periods — may last from weeks to months, usually followed by remission periods when the headache attacks stop completely. The pattern varies from one person to another, but most people have one or two cluster periods a year. During remission, no headaches occur for months, and sometimes even years.

From Mayo Clinic Website

This moment is the perfect teacher. No. This one.

+If you wanna look at the bright side of things, sleep every night with a Preston next to you.  No matter what happens any other time of the day, you've got that and it's pretty great.  One of those small pleasures that adds up to a whole lot.

+Preston makes everything better. 

+If you want to look at all sides, listen to Pema.  She would say to lean into the pain, the groundlessness.  Be grateful for pain and losses, a reminder of the inherent impermanence of things, of the groundlessness that is our true reality.  You know, I've tried to visualize myself in groundlessness, and it was not at all comforting; I had really thought it would be.  But, when I visualize myself in a river or creek, letting go completely and flowing with the current of the stream, I do feel comforted and at home.  And I do want to let go, and I am, kind of; but it's also so easy to grab a branch here and there, or to think you've let go and not even notice your legs are exhausted from trying to kick their way upstream.  This moment is the perfect teacher.  Even the kicking.  And the grasping.

+Today at work, I did some inner grasping.  I had a reaction to some new medicine, yet another new.   All in all, not that big of a deal in and of itself, but of course I let it all add up.  I felt so out of control about things these days, just like, "I can't control what I'm doing right now in life.  I want to, and I can't."  I had this awareness that all the control I used to have, over my body, had just been escaping me, little by little, and now it seems to be escaping in ever-expanding chunks-- and there I was, not being able to do my job (which I tend to identify with), and really having to face that it's harder to do my job the way I'd like...knowing that what I was so excited and relieved might help me was doing the opposite.  I really did want to panic a little bit, because having no control has been a recurring theme as of late.  It's very humbling.

+And, in the humility was finally the reminder that I was never in control anyways.  "This is where I am," I thought.  And I just kept saying it to myself.  "I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.  I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing."  And, when I went back to my class and watched a bunch of 6 year olds just so into their creative little works, I thought about how sad I felt to not be "with it" enough these days to really engage with them like I should.   I mean, I'm doing my job, but not with the same passion.  But I remembered again, "This is exactly where I am supposed to be."  And really, although so much of me hates, hates, hates this, it is.  Exactly.  

+The meds, by the way, I was given yesterday for these chronic, debilitating headaches I've been having.  I've had a handful of migraines in the past, but have never gotten medicine because I've never had a consistent issue.  Then, I started getting "migraines" that wouldn't go away, that were really kicking my youknowwhat.  Thought it was a migraine from the hormonal changes of said toomah  or something to do with sinuses, but the dr said it sounded a lot like cluster headaches.  Huh.  I had heard those, but thought they were only the ones you hear about that are supposed to be unspeakably painful (think: screaming in public).  Some say it's the most severe pain known to medicine; mine are not like tickles, but man, it is nothing like what I've heard.  I did a little reading, and there is a correlation between tumors like mine and these kinds of migraines.

+Maybe this will get me motivated if I end up needing what shall henceforth be referred to the "what the hell?" surgery.

+Maybe Preston needs to come lay with me.

+Or, maybe I should just be still with the drama, the uncertainty.  The uncertainty was there all along.   Now, my life circumstances have just highlighted what is a universal truth already; why do I act surprised?

+-says one part of me.

+The other part is feeling pretty shaken; accepting impermanence can be a b&*%$.

The when in which she has a toomuh.

Tumor, that is.  

On one hand, it's nice to know I'm not crazy (in one respect).  I've been pretty sure that I used to be much skinner with MUCH more ease, that I did not use to be such a "cloudy" thinker, a sometimes anxious thinker, that my skin was prettier + easier to please, that I was not so shut-the-front-door exhausted to tears...And much, much more.  

Now, pretty much, it all finally adds up.  Tumors on your pituitary are not usually cancerous, but they can really mess with your body, I've come to know.  It is the boss of all of your hormones, and it turns out that hormones are just about everything.  It is shocking how much of our personalities can be chalked up to biochemistry.  It has been an exercise in humility, observing how little control I actually have over not only my body but my emotions and my mind.  While I've never identified with being the skinniest or prettiest (although maybe skinniER or prettiER), I have identified with being on the go and with being somewhat articulate when I want to be.  It's been awhile since I've not been tired (I've finally stepped back and realized this- other people noticed before I did) and since I've been able to find my words the way I used to.   

Honestly, I'm a little afraid of some of this, but only in a big baby way.  If they have to remove it?    Um, are you kidding me?    Yeah, I'm a little concerned about all of the systemic issues like the ongoing fevers I've been trying to figure out for a couple of years, and the lumps popping up all over.  What are those?  They hurt a tiny bit; that's how I find them.  That's a good thing, right?  

It sounds a little frightening on paper, but I have a feeling that certain hormones can cause quite an inflammatory response.  I see an endocrinologist in a couple of weeks, and we'll continue to work on finding some answers.

I have no control.  I never did.  

Thich Nhat Hanh: "Nothing remains the same for two consecutive moments. Heraclitus said we can never bathe twice in the same river. Confucius, while looking at a stream, said, "It is always flowing, day and night." We may be tempted to say that because things are impermanent, there is suffering. If you suffer, it is not because things are impermanent. It is because you believe things are permanent. When a flower dies, you don't suffer much, because you understand that flowers are impermanent. Aware of impermanence, you become positive, loving and wise. Impermanence is good news. Without impermanence, nothing would be possible. With impermanence, every door is open for change. Impermanence is an instrument for our liberation.

The one in which she admits why she hasn't been writing.

Lake Cliff Park + nice day

I might erase this.

I haven't been writing, because I've been slightly freaked, medically speaking. Or something like that.

I haven't been avoiding writing for lack of peace...If this juxtaposition of being slightly freaked + the following can makes sense together, I'm actually MORE peaceful. More accurately, the place I'm in is best described as more "input" than "output." It's a place I've always gone where I need to center: Inside, spirit, nature. Historically, writing is a big piece of that, but I've been finding more of myself in emptiness, sitting than expressing or "thinking through."

I 've been reading a lot of Eckhart and having long meditation mornings. I've been trying to do my own little things like sit outside, go to bed whenever I feel sleepy, shut myself in my room when I feel depleted a all. Sometimes that's 6:30, but to paraphrase Byron Katie: This is exactly what is supposed to be...how do I know? Because it is what IS.

I'm sleeping sooo much, I'm exercising, I'm respecting my body and what I put into it, I've placed huge boundaries at work that were much needed. It's hard to do this when your work feels spiritual and gives back so much, but has to be done.

mmm, juice

+b and i+ looking kind of creepy

I have been on a serious Christmas kick. I know how weird that is, but it occurred to me that school is going to start kind of soon, which means it's fall. Fall? Thanksgiving, which I also love. And to me, that means it's basically Christmas. Ah, I love it. I don't know why I'm in that place lately, but I've taken in It's a Wonderful Life, recently. The Bishop's Wife. The Family Stone. The Holiday. As much as I love the holidays, I seriously just don't like the present part. Isn't that bad? I should feel bad. In my plans for future queendom, we'll only give presents to people we don't know that really need it, and maybe anonymously. Or, maybe we'll just give offerings of time; I haven't worked out the details. Although I'm not a Christian really (at least not by most Christian's standards), I think celebrating who Jesus actually probably was and believed in is a wonderful idea, kind of like celebrating Ghandi's or Buddha's beliefs, or the Tao. I believe they liked the same ideals. I love the Christmas season for a heightened sense of mindfulness in all areas, appreciation for loved ones, servanthood. Having said that, I do think the whole magic of Santa thing is seriously cool and my hypothetical future children will totally be leaving some cookies and milk on the dinner table.

And onto more seasonally appropriate topics... So, juice fasting: love it, turns out. I did two days, and day two was by far the best. No hunger on day two, although sinus headaches, yes. I was not prepared for the hightened clarity and mindfulness, and I've heard that after day four is when you usually start seeing those kinds of benefits. It is hard to express in words, but I would say that it is somehow spiritually and emotionally cathartic. You are forced to constantly process emotions and thoughts and let them flow. It reminds me of peeling an onion, or of blowing the clouds out of your little corner of the sky, one by one to see that the sky was always blue afterall...Even when it seemed a sea of grey.

Apparently, juice fasting is supposed to have some serious healing qualities (think a dog who stops eating when sick), as your body is releaved of the arduous task of digestion to focus on healing throughout your body. I (and B is with me, which adds to the fun) am just doing it for the emotional/spiritual side of the coin right now. When we have a real juicer, I'd like to consider a longer stint. Today, I'm taking off, but I'm thinking I'll go for Friday and Saturday and then off again at least for my mom's visit on Sunday/Monday. She wants to try our new favorite restaurant, which is vegan. In Dallas, cowboy!

Wednesday is our anniversary, so we will be eating out for some super fabulous meal in which we will sit at our table for longer than is smiled upon by social norms. I guarantee some cheese and wine will be in company. And desert. And Lavatzza coffee. We are on year 3. Six total years together, which is officially almost double my second biggest relationship. I am so such a big girl now. Year three was probably the hardest and the best. I think we got the most done in year three, at least, as far as our relationship is concerned. Year two might of actually been the harder. Yeah, revision: two was harder. Nothing scandalous, it's just that marriage is hard work and it can be hard to bypass the walls you didn't know you even had. Year one was easy at the time, but when I look back, I think we were somewhat distant from one another without really getting that.

Then comes the world tour. Friday, we are going to Kansas City to see B's parents and friends. And then into the more rural Kansas, to see grandma and smile at the place where we got married. THEN, we are going from there to Colorado; our friends invited us to go to a cabin with them. I am seriously excited, as Colorado is truly beautiful. And THEN, I'm back for a few days only to leave again for NYC with a girl I teach with. The best part is I get to see my friend, C, so we can pick up exactly where we left off, as usual.

it's noonish

Preston is sprawled out, half asleep in front of the door, probably in case B comes home. Sam is looking especially disheveled today, sleeping heavily on the couch as usua,l with all four legs straight out as if in casts. B is playing tennis and then reading at Starbucks. I'm drinking tea. And writing you.

Second day of juice fasting. I woke up and did a mini yoga/breathing thing, and then poured a pot of tea from fancy pants dechlorinated hot water thingy (pictured above). I have one in my classroom, too, so I can be a tea nerd all day long. B and I originally were originally doing a 1 day juice fast, something we had studied in ayurveda that's supposed to kind of reset your digestion and hunger cycles. During the fast, we both found ourselves pretty intrigued and decided to do it today, too. Most, I am intrigued with fasting as a way to "sit with" various thoughts and emotions. Anyone who knows me well knows I am truly passionate about food. Surely, I always will be, but I'd like to use it (and other things, like the internet, for example) less as a distraction from whatever thoughts are bouncing around in my head. Then, I know I'm passionate about the cheesecake and not just what the cheesecake is helping me not to think about (which is usually something benign like work, anyways).

Other than occassional grumpies, the only problem I've had so far is headaches. Especially sinus headaches. Oh. My. God. I am talking about sinus headaches, here. The way it comes and goes is the weird part. Is this movement? Is this a good thing? I finally took 4 ibprofin last night because I just could not believe it, although I was a little worried about taking medicine on a fast. Any underlying hypochondriac tendencies were in full swing, let me tell ya, and I thought maybe I should break the fast to avert certain (painful, slow) death. In the end, it passed. And returned. And passed. I wonder if this is my body getting rid of a sinus infection, and that the movement just causes pain...

For like 8 months on and off, I've had this very frustrating health mini-crisis of having a low fever on and off and inflamed glands/nodes...some sinus symptoms, but really the issue has just been the discomfort of all of that inflammation and just the aches of having a low fever....went through 3 rounds of antibiotics earlier this year which did nothing, so the (minimally to moderately trusted) dr said it must be some kind of viral thing, maybe mono or something like it that likes to last forever...Bah. Western medicine. Or, maybe it's not the medicine, but the hurried system under which some doctors have to operate...I feel like going to the doctor is pointless, because there is so little discourse, or cognition whatsoever for that matter. Especially after watching B bust his ever lovin' moneymaker through medical school, I can't imagine him turning to a thoughtless repetitive cycle of prescribing antibiotics after antibiotics...but, either because of complacency or just pressure under a system, I know we've all been through that with doctors.

Enter integrative medicine. Saturday, baby. My appointment with western trained dr, also trained in ayurveda, also a cranial-sacral osteopath. Let the "ness" quest begin.

In other news, B and I are looking at condos/houses. I know. I think my whining was evidence of a critical mass that ended up with me realizing that it's not about where we are as much as who we are. That doesn't mean that we'll always be here, but we are now and it's okay to put down some roots. If you know me well, you may know that roots freak me out a little, but not for any good reasons. Anyways, we can't afford a lot, especially since a bank will not recognize B's student loan income (which then cuts our annual income in half), but we are having so much fun looking and imagining. If you want to bring a house warming gift, you can find us in the ghetto. We haven't decided whether we want to be bloods or crips. Suggestions?

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” Albert Einstein

So, Dear Universe...

Someone somewhere undoubtedly has a more important question, but my sneezy a$$ self wants to know: What is the lesson in a cold? Is there a lesson? Stillness? A reminder of the fleeting, impermanent state of things? Appreciation for baseline? When I am sick, I tend to feel anxious about what I'm not getting done and of the life I'm not getting. I think things like, "I should be outside," and "how am I going to write my lesson plans?" Pema Chodron says, "This moment is the perfect teacher." What is this moment trying to teach me?

I've also been wondering, will Sabrina and Mark(DWTS) stay together forever? And what is your take on Albert's strappy sandals?

electrolytes, underpants, apartment police

Yin and yang. The good side of the balance is that hot yoga has been going quite well! Not only can I totally make it through a class now without symptoms of heat exaustion, but the other day I did two! That's three hours of hot yoga, people! In between, I got almost a 2 hour break and a shower, but I'm hoping to be fit enough to be able to do back-to-back classes, b/c I won't have as much time for yoga once I go back to work and start my master's. I think how much better I'm doing now has something to do with being a little more fit, being more acclimated to the heat, and also that I've started drinking electrolytes during class.

Yang? I decided to delete that.

water, please.

Question of the day: Will hot yoga make me pass out or throw up in public today?

I'm definitely not new to yoga, and I'm even sort of not new to hot yoga...If you don't know, hot yoga is yoga in which the room is heated to, in this case, 98 degrees while we go through the series of postures. I know. It sounds aweful. Believe me though, people who do it love it. With a history of just passing the hell out all the time, I've not yet made it through the 90 min. class without having to sit down. If you're familiar with what it's like to pass out, you know what I mean. The blood pressure drops, so you can't stand up anymore...then, if it gets worse, you can't sit up anymore, or if you don't listen to your body or are just in a bad way, down you go. And it's not fun at all. You are sure you will throw up (although I haven't yet), and did I mention that your vision goes? Benign (depending upon what you fall on), mind you, and trust me it will get you out of school for the day, where instead you go to your grandma's and receive special treatment even though you feel just fine.

At any rate, I usually catch myself in hot yoga before it gets bad....I really try to listen to my body, which apparently is just really, really susceptible to heat exaustion...But, from what I was told, I sat in a part of the room where they leave the fans off...Now, I don't think I could go to a hot yoga that didn't have fans, bc our bodies need to evaporate sweat to cool ourselves...At any rate, I didn't have that, or maybe it had something to do with going to the 6 am class, with the way they saw we wake up dehydrated, but people, we had an incident.

I'll leave out most of the horribly embarassing details, but it involved me crawling, yes crawling, and also laying with my face on the floor of a public bathroom. Not. Pretty. People. This happened to me the summer after I graduated high school, at a car wash in the McDonald's parking lot. I had just moved to Dallas and didn't know anyone, so I ended up at a car wash for a church or something, and it occurred to me that I was just seeing the outlines of people. Bad sign. Enter nausea. I knew I had to lay down fast, or it was all over. Much like a sick dog, I quickly found my way to the most isolated place I could find, I remember I could barely see. It's kind of like looking at the negatives of a photograph, the light comes through, but everything else is getting blacked out. Anyways, the grease, the disease of the floor, none of it mattered. Ah, it feels so good, the cool floor.

And there on the bathroom floor I was found. Yes, the urban McDonald's disease-infested bathroom floor. Finally.

"Oh my God, We have to call an ambulance."

"No." I try to sit up, you know, wipe the bathroom floor STD's off my forehead. Can't. Sit. Up.

Someone brings me orange juice. I don't know who they are but I drink it. the floor has probably already killed me.

Long story short, I am able to get them to wait ten minutes. And, I recovered. And got the h out of there.

The moral of the story is, well, there is no moral. Just sending out a general wish that it doesn't happen again today...Please? Fairy God Mother? Baby Jesus? Collective unconscious? Genie? Please?


POST YOGA UPDATE: Thank you Fairy God Mother, Baby Jesus, Collective Unconscious AND Genie! Today was the first day of hot yoga that I actually made it ALL the way through the 90 minutes without having to sit down. Tomorrow, 6am, will be my first morning class after our little "incident." I plan to drink lots of water before bed to make sure I'm hydrated, and then to get up at 5 and start drinking again.

Also, I've been really focusing on being mindful of my eating, especially after being inspired by Lauren's reference to the Time photoshoot showing families' weekly groceries from around the world. Also, I was reminded today that the top 20% of population, fiscally, control 82% of the wealth (including food, water, etc). If you are reading this, you are most certainly in the top 20%, trust me, no matter how poor you think your ass is. I want to really evaluate whether I'm living sustainably. "We must live simply so that others may simply live."

Saturday's stats

Brkfst:
spinach fritatta
1 pot green tea

Lunch:
light caesar salad
& a sliced tomato w/ basil & balsalmic vinegar
1 pot green tea

Snack: 2 chocolate mints
Snack: 1/2 c. cottage cheese

dinner:
green peppers stuffed w/ portabello MR, feta, fresh basil & oregano, soy mozzerella, sun dried tom's, organic & sugar-free tomato sauce,
light caesar salad


Exercise:
none...yet!

7 day's 'til my first 5K! I think I'll do a 5K today, and then not another again until the race (not that I'm going for a certain time- I just want to finish!). I'm also going to take a walk with my dog, although not a long one. Tomorrow is Sunday, and I often walk for hours on Sundays, just exploring all over. It is also a day I often spend some time with my husband, who goes on these loooong walks with me. We seemed to have developed a little tradition of having lunch at this little Buddhist Indian & vegetarian restaurant, and we always walk there. There is a beautiful trail and creek near our apartment, and I love to walk along these as well.

Today has been the first day that I've been trying out South Beach. I always assumed it was a crazy fad diet, but it turns out to be reasonable. I still probably wouldn't be into it if it weren't for the fact that I need to win that $400 for the Biggest Loser at my work. This week is my spring break, so I'm hoping to get a good jump ahead, but I know I'm not the only "competitor" feeling that way.

I'm listening to Buddhist monk Pema Chodron speaking on "True Happiness" on my ipod today. Insightful.

state of the union

Exercise:
Wednesday: none
Thurs: none
Fri: none
Sat: none
Sun: none

Not kidding. Not a lot of evidence to show that I'd like to be healthy and lose 30 lbs, huh? There is no excuse for me not at least walking. I just didn't do it. I DID eat healthy, which I'm proud of...but, honestly, I usually eat pretty healthy. I keep only the good stuff (and, I mean the GOOD stuff!) in my house, so eating usually doesn't present too much of a problem. I'm a plate finisher, though. Working on that.

So, this week I'll be focusing on climbing back on that band-wagon and setting myself up for a lifestyle that encourages time to exercise.

I've always been really interested in the raw or living food movement. It is based on the idea that we might actually need the enzymes that are in uncooked foods; these enzymes aid in digestion. Heating past a certain point denatures enzymes (kills), which is something that's been known forever. The idea is that our bodies are bogged down in all of this digestion that we make really difficult, when really, it should be much easier! This difficult digestion is thought to tax our immune systems, cause us to need more sleep than we otherwise would, make us sluggish and toxic in general. It makes sense, when you think about. I have a couple of books on it, but I've never gone all out with it. I've gotten to 50 percent raw foods, and I have to say that I did feel pretty good, but I didn't do it long engough to really tell if that is what was makin the difference. I tend to go back and forth with this, but I guess that's ok.

This week's shopping trip should set me up for about 50 percents raw again. Then, next week I'm hoping to go for 75 percent.

Like I said, eating well is not too difficult for me, as long as unhealthy things aren't staring me down and within arm's reach. The fact is, I DID eat many of my feelings to get me 30 lbs. overweight; now, I eat in a way that works decently for me, but my lifestyle is such that I'm simply maintaining. (I HAVE lost 5 overall since starting The Biggest Loser at work). So, I need to get my exercise on, even if it is walking and yoga only.

stream of consciousness

fitness stuff...So, what is up with me coming home and falling asleep right after dinner? How could I POSSIBLY be SOO exausted? I know first yr teaching is supposed to be a killer, but wouldn't it be different by now...Will this exaustion EVER go away (other than in the summer, of course!)...Looking at my diet, this makes me wonder if poor nutrition isn't the culprit. Especially for someone who's had some yuck low blood sugar issues, I probably shouldn't be going long periods of time w/o eating, and then binging on chocolates b/c I'm so starving (and there is always a teacher around me who will give up some of their stash)! I was doing a great job of planning out and preparing all of my meals, vitamins and even outfits so that healthy eating and exercise would be a planned part of my day instead of something I do when I 'feel like it,' which is NEVER. Lately, it seems as though I've fallen off of every bandwagon that I've ever been on...but, I am picking myself back up slowly...I will get there!!

I'm happy, but sometimes it seems that I barely exist during the weekdays...I'm just so tired. Maybe it is not work; maybe it is nutrition or the fact that I'v upped my exercise (SOME!) overall lately...1.5 weeks until spring break!

random stuff...Well, now it's 4am...I've been up for awhile due to one of the worst nightmares ever involving finding a bucket of brains and fingers (really!) in my closet. I was rooming with another teacher at my school (you know, "teacher-mares"), and we found the bucket together after she had been sent a letter from a man who had been in our apt. for some type of contract work...He had placed it there to 'show her what she was in for.' Sounds silly now, but holy cow, it freaked me out. In the dream I called my dad, and he offered me moving expenses and said I could live with him. How odd, in a time when I probably need to be working on my relationship with my dad (no drama, it's just that that's part of why we moved here, and teaching has kept me so busy).

getting there.

It's been a pretty good day, as far as my goals are concerned. I woke up and had breakfast with my husband at home, vegetarian breakfast burritos. Yum! Then, he stayed home and learned to play 'Waste,' by Phish, on the guitar. I went by myself and tried a new (for me) Unitarian church (although it is kind of a religion-less church). If you don't know, Unitarianism has been around forever (Henry David Thoreau, Thomas Jefferson, and later Sylvia Plath). It's a really need 'religion' that welcomes all creeds, or people who have no creed at all. There are 7 main principles:
1. The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
2. Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
3. Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
4. A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
5. The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
6. The goal of world community with peace, liberty and justice for all;
7. Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.It was great!

...and who can argue with that?

Back home, we went to a Unitarian Church that was very liberal and socially active. This was in a college town, so there were just all these great college professor minds, lovers of science, lovers of social causes, lovers of the earth, rabble-rousing college students and 'the betweens' that would meet over fair trade coffee in this little green-built building, discussing social, environmental and spiritual issues. They ONLY drank out of old coffee cups and ate off of random dishes, b/c they would never consider wasting resources. The children's groups learned about nature, culture, and they sang songs about Critical Thinking...Really!!

Here in Dallas, I've had a little less luck. The UU church right by us is just very different than the one we came from, although great in it's own way...I like it, but it is just a lot more formal and reminiscent of more churchy churches....So, inspite of the best of Saturday evening intentions, when it comes to Sunday mornings I usually do not go. Today, I decided to take the near 20 min. drive down to the other uu congregation, which is known as the 'most liberal' church in Dallas (which doesn't necessarily mean a lot). It is built on 5 acres, with quite a reverence for nature...a walking trail, and even a meditation labrynth. It felt almost EXACTLY like my church back home, minus a few things and plus a few others. I loved it. We talked about nature, patterns in nature, the genious of nature. It is up to me to find my niche in this strange new Southern world of giant trucks, cowboy hats and an education system that resembles fascism. Here is one tiny way that I think I've found it, and I consider it a gift.