p to the owerless = s to the erenity

(Someone should teach me how to use my Canon Rebel- I kinda like this eerie feel, but I wish I knew how to catch the actual blackbirds. Faye advice window = open.)

Serenity comes and goes.

The aspect of this which leaves me grateful and hopeful is that as my sense of serenity waxes and wanes, my own capacity, or my edge, still advances forward. In fact, the dim light of my waning serenity seems to correlate to the advancement of my emotional frontier.

That’s growth, people.

In education, we refer to Vygotsky’s Zone of Proximal Development. Stay with me- this is so not “yawn.” If I spice it up with my whitegirlfromthecountry urban funk, would that help?! Fo’ shizzle. Fellow constructivism junkies, gather round the campfire…

The Z to the one of Proximal Development. This, playa’ hate-a’, is the place of optimal learning to where we try to steer our children; it could be defined as the particular p to the osition in which one is able to advance only with a bit of scaffolding, or support. Um…gin and juice. Grills. To the window. To the wall…The idea is that then, those particular supports may be removed. The frontier has advanced, and now, the classroom supports you in your new position. And so on, my bitches. Hate the game, hate the game.

The way I explain it to my students, whom I try to train to choose their own difficulty levels, etc., is something like this:

“If you feel a little bit confused, and you have to think hard, try out different ideas or get a bit of help from tools around the room, me or each other- you are in the right place. If you are so confused that you have no idea what you are doing, you need to take a step back- don’t worry! You’ll get there, but not by jumping ahead. If you are doing something that is super easy, you are probably not growing today, and it is time to push yourself.”

(more blurries= why not? a day at work w the iphone. my feet are the grown up ones.)

I had to enter my own emotional Zone of Proximal Development to accept and live out my powerlessness over others and over situations which I do not need to solve, as the universe will reveal and resolve in her own time. For years, I have learned of such concepts from books. I was surprised (mother effing shocked) to find that, in spite of my desperate immersion in literature, I had done a lot of spinning of my wheels; my capacity, without some help, had been tapped out like a trailer park keg of Miller High Life.

Now, I have different kinds of tools- just as the students in my classroom have tools to help them advance. I’ve been living it and immersing in it instead of simply learning about it in books. And, the frontier of my edge- it is advancing. I do not always have a sense of serenity, but I have a sense that something greater than me- an underlying rhythm, a pulse, an evolving and responsive universe- is in guiding this ride with compassion.

It has been terrifying and liberating so far to let go of the power I thought I had; but, the fear is something like a fear of the unknown or even withdrawal from a lifetime of holding on so tight. I know this, because I can sense the paradox: though sometimes afraid, I’ve never felt safer. Or braver. And more than anything: alive again, with the pleasures and pains and courageousness of a life out of hiding. Which, of course, makes me think of Kahlil Gibran's words:

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. -Kahlil Gibran

In other news: After something like six years, I’m moving my blog. Or, at least I have another blog I will probably consider more primary. I might merge the two eventually, and I might keep this one up. I dunno. I’ve realized I want to talk a lot more about scandalousy things that I’m not sure I should put on here- which means I tend to not update here these days. Good scandalous. Not bad scandalous. I just think I’d have a lot more fun if I didn’t feel the need to hold back. I’d be happy to tell ya where I am if you are a girlfriend or an online friend- others, just ask. But be warned: I’m more socially inappropriate than I may have let on.

hot yoga + pitta?

Expressing myself in list form today. I've had coffee, because it seemed quite perfect on a balmy, rainy Sunday day (and it was); however, I'm talking fast and with the random streak of a four year old, so I doubt my ability to string together words in a manner that is cohesive and intelligible. Stream of consciousness wins again.

+I haven't been blogging because my computer is on sabbatical. Her screen went white, which turns out is detrimental in Macintosh land. I don't feel quite as inspired when on borrowed laptop, so, you know. I haven't been around. I'll get my computer fixed for the approximate price of one leg in January when into a new budget. Why didn't Applecare fix it with their famously fab service, you ask? Well... Cautionary note: If you spilled some water on your computer in the distant past and it is fine, consider never ever admiting this to any computer warranty people. I know what you are thinking: I wouldn't dumba##, and why did you? Call me an idealist- the truth doesn't (usually) let me down.

+My mom's last scan: CLEAR!!! We are smashing cancer like CRAZY, this family!

+Believe it or not, after all of my accolades for hot yoga, I had to say goodbye for now. My pitta (this is the heat, the fire element, in our bodies- according to ayurveda) went through the roof, with all of the hot yoga I was doing (my goal was 7.5 hrs/week). My face began to constantly burn, much like hot flashes. I started to feel bitter and more easily angered, all signs of pitta aggravation. As much as I loved hot yoga, something about how my life is today-- the increased balance, the Transendental Meditation-- I was able to let go of it quite easily and move over to a non-hot yoga studio. I may revisit hot yoga in winter time, when pitta is at it's lowest. Or not.

+As you may have heard me whine about previously, hormonal dramas of youknowwhat (which I just refuse to give more talk to) made it sooooo easy to gain weight and soooo hard to lose. (Do not let them tell you it's because you are getting older, ladies! Get your everything tested.) You may have also heard me bragging shamelessly that, since I regained much that energy I had lost, I have been working it at the gym like Britney. I mean working it. If you have ever lost your health, just observed your ability to get up and function like a normal person, maybe you understand my zeal. I am so confident I will always treat my body with just zealous respect and attention. It is odd how discipline is just not an issue, even a bit, after I have been through that life changing event.

+...Which is all the better for fitting in my (actually quite pretty) bridesmaid dress, as well. I'm in that wedding on this Saturday. In charming Kansas City, which I looooove. Ah, fall; already starting to seduce with her early-turning colors there. As far as the wedding, I am thoroughly thrilled to be there for my loyal, funny friend who surprised me at my own wedding with a mimosa , right before I headed down the isle. Took the edge off. Never mind the clonopin the univ dr gave me to make it through the day.

+I don't need anything to take the edge off at work these days, because it is going amazingly smoothly. I love my team, and my students, and their parents- who have already been volunteering in my room! I'm going in early daily when things are quiet, and I am leaving right on time. My boundaries are clear and have not been stretched. If I have to address something that just has to take extra time that week, I give that time back to myself the following week by not going in early or by going in early but my latest leisure book in classroom instead of working. The atmosphere of the room is soothing; it feels calming, conducive to thinking, and I feel at home there. Plants on every table, lamps instead of the florescent overheads, a candle on a candle warmer and a little fountain on the window where the sun shines in. Watching the kids already being so passionate about exploring authors they love, choosing a book because it won the Caldecott medal, and connecting themes among texts on their own, I'm reminded of why I have a passion for teaching. I am so blessed that I have finally found a balance in it, because spending the day with kids is an opportunity I haven't found words to describe.

+I'm working more diligently on my Spanish, in and out of the classroom (Ideally, I should be using as much Spanish as I can on Mon/Wed/Fri). Growth has felt slow, and I hope I will soon hit a critical mass .

+Live music + wine tonight in a well-designed, friendly atmosphere...M +D, are you reading this? Wanna come? Anyone else? Katrina?

namaste

I have never wanted a tattoo badly enough to consider the physical pain of doing so. I mean, I can be kind of a baby. Indecisive, too. I like change, or at least I seem to have a lot of it, so it always seemed like a tattoo would be too permanent. Then, I read an Ani DiFranco quote somewhere that said something about how she realized her tattoos were no more permanent than she herself. Wow. I'm listening....And then something about going to hot yoga so many hours a week, I'm feeling the desire to commemorate the end of my challenge. It is not for many more weeks, so I have the time to think on it.

I'm thinking 'namaste' or an interpretation of namaste, and I'm thinking on my foot, on the inside. The color of henna. If there is something that I've most taken from all of this exhausting 7+ hours of yoga a week, it's that I hope to remember that the very best in me sees the very best in you...and to remember that those aren't different things. Somehow, in all of that sweating and exhaustion and pushing of limits, there is a transcendence that occurs as the body and breath sync; the illusion of separateness falls away a tiny little bit. I want to take that with me all day.

In other news, I was in KC this weekend for a very special friend's bachelorette weekend. It was such a great time with funny, down to earth women. I left missing Kansas dearly, to be honest. I love it here as much as I can, but I miss the midwest state of mind. I miss being near friends I've known for years and most of my family.

Having said all this, last summer I also whined about living in Dallas and when I let it go and focused more on the essence of what I was looking for (diversity, real people, nature, charm, community), I found it right here somehow. B and I talk about manifesting a bit, which makes us both feel kind of flaky; but deeply, I do feel that the universe is intelligent and responsive, and I do see evidence of like attracting like all around me.

So, here it goes. The essence of what I'm missing is...invested friendships that are deep and light and fun at the same time...connection with family members...charming, old-world surroundings...simplicity...walking to a slow, steady beat...cycles in nature, like the expansion and contraction of fall, then winter, then spring and summer...I can't pinpoint what I love about that one...variety? the hopefulness of spring? the artfulness of fall?

And tomorrow, when students return and responsibilities start to call to me faster than I can answer, I just hope to be balanced. I feel protective of my life balance, and vulnerable to lose it. I think yoga during the week may be my best balancer. I am so afraid, honestly, of going back to only existing as a self during the weekends, that is if I can get my mind off of work. I joined a book club. I have yoga. Balance...Peace...Respect for myself and my body...That's the essence of what I'm hoping to get out of this year.

i had to leave the house of self-importance
to doodle my first tattoo
realize a tattoo is no more permanent
than i am, and who
ever said that life is suffering
i think they had their finger on the pulse of joy
ain't the power of transcendence
the greatest one we can employ

- Ani Difranco

and the beat goes on...

cnn article

All this has somehow made me realize I must put up my Christmas tree right away.

so i try not to talk too much about work, but...

Today at work, of course, we remembered 9/11.

I happened to be reading a story to my kids at the carpet when the rememberance announcement came over the intercom. As I listened, I closed the silly big book onto my lap and looked out over the faces of 15 six-year-olds. A little surprised they seemed to "get" that this really was a moment to be still, I wondered if any of their parents had told them what it was all about. I thought about how they were born into a totally different world than was I. That blows my mind a little. Do they know what they're missing? Or, do they have more somehow? Do they notice me looking at them in a different way during this announcement, as if I'm trying to peak into their futures- their childhood dreams?

I don't know why she did it, but when I returned my glance to the row right in front of me, a litle girl had her hands folded together and eyes closed, whispering a prayer as if she were the only one in the room.

Another day, another lesson in humility.

Another reason to be present, to let go of the complaints, the frustrations when they don't learn fast enough or when I feel too tired to show up for them. Another reason to remember how I really feel about the fact I get to spend my days with children.

something

Write something....Anything!

B is at hot yoga right now, and I've been happily drowning myself in teacher lit. I am determined that this year I will be a kick booty math teacher, and I mean KICKING bootay. You know, even though I went to college for teaching, I thought I'd just do it for two years so I could be a school counselor. Instead, I have found that following my bliss lead me to right where I am, and I love it a surprising amount. Joseph Campbell is right that we must be able to overlook all of our plans for our lives so that we can have the blissful and surprising existence waiting for us. It's so exciting to know that I am not choosing where I go, but kind of feeling where I go. Following my bliss has taken me to much greater places than trying to intellectualize my life goals and trajectory. Anyways, math: I ordered a silly amount of teaching math books from Amazon, and I've been obsessing over them.

Been doing: I have been teaching summer science camp for my district, which is fun!
Been reading: The Tao Te Ching (for the first time...how did I miss this?!), Quantum Wellness, a bunch of teacher stuff
Been listening to: Jack Johnson's new (relatively) stuff

you could be my umbrella. ella ella ella hey hey hey

Currently reading:

Just finished, "In Her Shoes" again. You know, as part of my Jennifer Weiner re-readathon. I only re-read two, but two was enough and they were good, even though I'm not usually into re-reading. Thank god I'm reading more fiction again...Something is wrong when you can no longer bear to settle into fiction. It is as if your mind will not tolerate something that does not result in some sort of "gain," whether it is professional, personal or spiritual. I find that as I've practiced presence more, reading fiction is back (replacing dumb, often regretted internet time) and I'm having fun with it. It makes me sad to think of all of the time I didn't read that kind of book...it's so good for the soul to invest in something that is made-up and just as and transient as the lives we are living right now.

and of course I'm still reading "A New Earth," by Eckhart Tolle.

In his book, Eckhart Tolle says, "The key to understanding 'this to will pass' is knowing that non-resistance, non-judgement and non-attachments are the (keys to) enlightened living. Once you see and accept the transience of all things and the inevitability of change, you can enjoy the pleasures of the world while they last without fear or anxiety about the future."

Love it. I love this book. I love the WAY he quotes Jesus...It feels like that final connection I've been looking for (consciously and unconsciously) to reconcile the Buddhist philosophies that make so much sense to me and have brought me the most peace with the intensity and intimacy of my childhood connection with Christianity. I love reflecting back on verses from the Bible that used to mean so much to me. I haven't known what to do with those for awhile, but they fit in so well with this paradigm of thinking.

I'm grateful for mornings with flickering candles and heavy cups of coffee...open patio doors...relaxing with books and slow, purposeful breathing. I'm grateful to go to work in an inspired setting with inspired people, and to share laughs with kids, to work in small groups at my little kidney bean-shaped table, with my window open behind me, listening to spring's birds, the old-school bowling alley-ish wood floors shining in the sun. It could all end, disappear, turn out to be a fleeting dream, one of a million bubbles on a fast-moving stream. There is nothing I can do to make the impermanent permanent. That used to cause me pain. But it is reality, and accepting it feels better than the mirage of stability.

yay

our old apartment + imposing cat + dog + mess

Well, my job seems to want me back next year. Yay for me, because I'm having a crap-load of fun and really love where I am; the thought of going longer into the summer does not seem like work. Of course, I eventually tend to love where ever I work, and I really believe we make our happiness where ever we are, but I also think this is just right for me right now. It amazes me that my weeks and weekends seem to blend into one another more and more, as I become increasingly "present" throughout the week. Part of this is the humility of spending all day every day with the same little kids depending on me; it is unbelievably humbling, such a blessing. It seems wrong not to show up excited to see them; their eyes light up when I pick them up in the morning, and they give extra long hugs on Fridays and before breaks. The most humbling thing is that all of that is not about me. I really believe that's just how kids are; they just want to see your eyes light up back.

Anways, although I love where I am (and plan on staying until security is called), I was missing some of the fun of middle school tonight. Man, I *loved* messing with those kids. Most of them didn't know the teacher could control all of the computers in the computer lab, so I got a lot out of computer lab days. I would blank out all of the kids' screens with "I know what you did last summer," and I liked to take over boys' computers and google things like "How to sing like Britney" and barbie.com. In my room, I had one of those giant projectors that would show my computer screen. I once put up one of those, "find what's wrong with this picture" things that you stare at until the girl from the Ring pops up all huge, scary and screaming (loud). I'm talking the size of a wall, that scary little girl. These kids literally fell out on the floor, and I'm sure I annoyed some teacher neighbors; it was the best day.

If I ever go back to middle school (or high school), I will always take 2nd grade with me. I've decided that they really aren't different. The younger ones are just more transparent (Okay, infinitely easier, but still- basically the same). They all need you. They all want you to love them and like them; the middle school ones just take awhile to buy into you. They've seen more failures, realized that not everyone will love them back; they are the same thing, just more insecure.

cytoplasm

So get this. You know those little chocolate covered cherries? Not the ones with the white filling, but the clear, juicy filling? Total cell model. Well, at the little kid level. The chocolate is like the cell membrane. The cherry is of course the nucleus, and the juicy stuff is the cytoplasm. And, even though I've been stapling these little yummies to my tush for at least a couple of decades, I never gave thought to their name: Cellas. Cell, people! Coincidence? You may not care, but I think it's fabulous.

I think my kids really enjoyed this day. And holy, crap, I enjoyed teaching about cells, tissues, organs, systems. The jello you see is a cell model too, with a grape for the nucleus and a baggie that is the cell membrane. We used floam as a model for how cells stick together to create tissue...the tissue creates organs, so the kids shaped the floam into the important organs that we studied in their stations. It was a whole mess of fun.

Now, we are doing weather and the water cycle. I'm enjoying it, but a little intimidated to be writing the lesson plans because I'm the least experienced 2nd grade teacher on my team by about a hundred years. I'm the one who hearts the sciences and has a secret dream of being a zoo education curator one day. Something about loving it so much almost makes it harder, because I just want it to be great. And so I look and look and look and search and...the end result is that I've put TONS of effort in, but have only produced a very normal amount. I feel like I should add an addendum to my plans: "This may seem like a normal amount of work, but I have actually put 470 hours of research into this, and hopefully that will show next year." You know, some of that's my ego. Not until reading A New Earth (by Eckhart Tolle) did I realize how much of my being is focused on my need to have a career viewed as important, to be important, to be a helper, one who sacrifices for others. I'm not saying I have a disorder or am even unusual; I think this is very common and most of us have identities that we are very attached to, and it feels liberating to become more aware of it.

Part of my perfectionism is just loving it, though, and knowing how much fun my kids will have. But these days, life balance is pretty important to me, so I have to be able to produce in a smaller amount of time. I don't want to burn out, and most teachers burn out in less than five years. Yup. True fact. So, (my goal is) I put my heart and soul into it and work through my little personal quirks and egoic worries, but I put a time limit on it. Then, I go on to focus on the rest of life...NOT constantly thinking about work. I love my work and want to be in the moment when I'm there with these kids. I still can't believe I spend all day with them, and that is such a gift. But when I'm somewhere else, I need to really BE there.

rest in peace

Final sea monkey update: A small wake was held today in classroom ###. Tragically, the surviving two sea monkeys did not in fact repopulate the earth, but instead died when I over fed them. Those who loved them paid homage by writing up a scienific report complete with creepy little RIP headstones that will surely cause any administrator who passes them to judge me on at least some level, a hypothesis, predictions and the tragic conclusion.

I did not include the unintended variable of me being a dumb a** in the report, but let them think the sea monkeys died due to said water purity issue. I am living outside of the law, some might say.

here kitty, kitty

It is 11:37 pm and I just submitted my assignment, meaning that I am a mere 23 minutes from the ultimate doom and professor judgement of being late AND getting a zero. According to my computer clock and my class syllabus, I just spent over two hours on....four points. My internal clock is unfortuantely registering at 7,642 minutes, a testament to the relativity of time. So to sum up, we are looking at 2 points an hour...or, 3,281 divided by 60 (no time left for math now).

Suffice it to say, I wasted (or generously donated?) a 1000 dollars this week, because that's how much money the class I decided to drop costs, and at 2 hours per class point on a good day, heck if I could complete the nine hours I'm enrolled in with any shread of life balance left flapping in the breezes. Something had to give. Something gave. My bank account gave. Probably a little piece of my reputation as a graduate student gave. Here's to living off of the future. LaChaim!

Also in the "living off of financial aid" category is the fact that I had a fabulous Container Store adventure in shopping this morning and a subsequent trip to Salvation Army where I officially became a bag lady for 2.99. Or a teacher. The point is, I am now offically sporting a rusted wheely cart with a box of student papers hugged snuggly by a used bungee cord that has been God knows where. I am one step closer to denim jumpers and cardigans with apples and plus signs. And probably a lot of cats.

something

I will blog something today, I told myself. I guess I'm on a little haitus; I've really let life get in my way lately, and I feel too busy for ANYTHING! I'm not sure what the answers are yet (quit something, wait it out, stop sleeping?), but I know I'm looking forward to being less busy. I'm so not that person who loves to be busy, though I totally used to be...I think it made me feel validated. Now, I feel out of touch when I'm like that, because I don't feel I need be define myself by the things I'm doing the way I used to--As a teacher, sometimes you really have to stand up for this; teachers have upspoken expectations (from other teachers and non-teachers alike) to give an unbalanced portion of their lives. As passionate as I feel about what I'm doing, I don't feel the need to do THAT. Now, that's a little gift from the universe. Peace-

happy college day

me: Happy college day! Would any volunteers tell us about the college t-shirt they are wearing?

2nd grader 1: L*nghorns. It's in Texas.

me: Great. Who else?

2nd grader 2 (huge smile): Mine is D*llas C*wboys.

me: oh?

various 2nd graders: Yeah, I want to go to D*llas C*wboys college, too.

2nd grader 3: my dad went there.

has anyone seen my life balance?

I had it here, in Costa Rica. Not the most flattering picture, but man I was peaceful.

I FEEL pretty peaceful now...however, I'm so into my work-- which is such a happy place-- that I seem to have forgotten that I have a whole life to balance.

looking...I'll be around once I find it, at least a little bit.

I've been listening to Pema in the mornings. Wow. My students really should write her thankyou cards; she makes me much more peaceful...I hope my students feel my room is a place of peace...

There I go again, back to work...I hope my HOME feels peaceful-- I hope I do things like read for fun, drink wine in the bath tub, be creative and have lots of coffees with friends. I hope I'm in tuned with my intentions, with the effect my actions have on others...Are they better or worse off for knowing me?

I've learned to love living in Dallas, but please don't let me "become" Dallas, leaving the simple things behind for a world of work, drive, work, drive, work...

I've imposed a "work" limit on myself starting this week, and I feel better already...but I'm still not quite right...

"Yessssssss"

+i have a passion for food + for some reason taking pictures of my meals+ here, we have veggie burger with edamame + v8 + mmmmm +

'Tis the sound of 2nd grade. Holy crap, I wasn't sure I would like it as much as older kids, but let me just tell you: Hill.ar.i.ous. This is my favorite job I've ever had, easy...I know it's early, but when you know, you know, right? I just get such a kick out of them...So far, as a new class, we've mostly been working on establishing all of our routines, but next week we're going to get into some of our enrichment stations (extra content practice, along with music, drama and visual arts stations) on Friday. Second graders do things like this: When I introduced myself, I sat them down on the carpet and said among other things, "First, I want to tell you a little about myself."

A sea of "yesssssss" es.

"Holy crap," I thought to myself, "This is going to be EASY!"

And it has been, but it's been hard, too...only in a good stress way, though.

So, that's why I haven't been around; I've been doing something new, learning how to teach short people. My classroom makes me happy...I leave with MORE energy. It is a HUGE breath of fresh air! I.LOVE.IT. so much I almost feel guilty. My commute is about 15 minutes, although it's just 4 miles away...I drive right through down town every morning...such a pretty time of year to drive downtown, with all the lights. Ahhh, new love.

I listened to Buddhist nun Pema Chodron some this morning, and I'm listening now. Inspiring. It's so hard to stay abreast of our actual intentions and our true drives. Love vs attachment is hard for me, or more, love without attachment. One thing that I've been working with, especially as a liberal, is having a peaceful spirit and nonjudging spirit instead of the sense of superior morality that can come so easily. This seems to go hand in hand with connectedness....Chodron said, "We proceed as if we are separate from everyone else, when we are all the same. We waste time exaggerating, romanticizing, belittling ourselves…" Like most people, I tend to prefer to sort people into piles of "us" and "them," which I've come to believe (and sometimes follow through on) isn't an accurate picture of what things really are. My old boss/principal used to just say, "we're all just people." Yes.

Vivid dreams lately, some fantastical, some sad, I wonder if it means anything.

watched youknowwhats never grow

Man, it's not fair how good today has been. First, it's been really beautiful today. Inspirational weather. I love the smell of fall. I love the mums. Apple cider. Wassail. The fact that there is a community pumpkin event coming up, to raise money for local kids who need it. I love seeing special little fall-themed desserts like apple tarts with caramel drizzle and sugar cookies painted into cream cheese frosting pumpkins at the store. Knowing I'll get to see all my family again at Thanksgiving. We all get together, like 30 or 40 of us, every Thanksgiving at my grandma's. We do things like play spoons, a dangerous game. We eat, and my midwestern relatives ask if I'm still a vegetarian, and it gets on my nerves for a split second until I realize what a waste that is. We walk around the pond, sit on the dock. Last year, I rummaged through a familiar suitcase which still held the dolls I played with as a little girl. They really feel like mine alone, but in a huge extended family, they've gone through more hair dressers than a Las Vegas drag queen. The barbie I couldn't find but really wanted to was the one's whose youknowwhats grew when you twisted her arm; anyone else have Growing Up Skipper? I think she stuck around until too many preteen girls sprained their arms trying to grow some of their own, and then Gloria Steinam barbie came along and beat everyone up with a fish and a bicycle.

Thinking of b**by barbie makes me think of all the strange mythologies your (okay, mine) family feeds you when you're a kid. My great grandma used to tell me that breasts grew when "they've been played with by boys." What?!

Worse yet, my mom and grandma always blamed my trips and falls on my angel....Your "angel" will make you do things like fall and stub your toe after you've lied or talked back...which lead me to basically give the finger to "my angel" growing up, instead, praying to Santa, who was always good to me.

Ah, Christmas. This is about when I start thinking about it; go ahead and judge me. I've been people watching lately. There is an energy this time of the year that floats around all of our heads; I'm not sure of the source. The holidays finally coming? Well, for me that's big. I love old Christmas films...It's a Wonderful Life...The Bishop's Wife...White Christmas. I keep meaning to order The Shop Around the Corner, the old Jimmy Stewart film off of which You've Got Mail was based. I'm thinking of fires, gloves, snow. Makes me miss Kansas...the least visited state in the union; I miss it a little right now... The people seem more simple, or their lives seem more simple at least. The fall leaves, I have to say, are far more complex. I bet the town where my husband and I met is blanketed with a tapestry of leaves hanging over the streets. I hope I always have a midwestern day-to-day life, but that also I perceive the joys in complexity.

One joy is that...I got a new job today! Title 1 school, which is all I've really experienced so far anyways..I'm going in for a MAJOR change, though, to teach second grade. Holy crap, I know. Since I entered a literacy graduate program and am interested in literacy as a social justice piece, I think it's important to see literacy at the primary level. It's weird how nervous I am!!

Another joy? Dates! Today, I made one and had one. I bought tickets to the Regina Spektor concert at the House of Blues in Dallas; this will make a great date. But seriously, it would be a "mature" day for growing up skipper. Husband date was fun, and now he is sleeping next to me, mumbling through some sort of medical dream. He got out of school seriously early today, which NEVER happens, so we got to spend a lot of time together. Had two baily's and coffee at dinner and we saw the new Wes Anders*n film. He writes the weirdest stories; I love it. I love the music he chooses, the aesthetics of his films, the way he makes simple moments into art. To me, it illustrates that art is in every moment...whether we see it depends on our perspecitive. I'm surprised that our westen culture accepts his films; they move slowly in a way that one is to enjoy each moment for what it is, not for the fact that you are hanging on for the plot to develop. I found myself bored at the beginning, and then I realized, "I'm not getting this. I'm expecting something else, and not appreciating what it really is."

It's so hard to be in the moment sometimes...I've been trying to appreciate and soak up where I am, whatever I'm doing...so today when I left the movie, I decided to take a look at the piano which was sitting, small and simply unadorned, outside the theater. As it turns out, it was the "Imagine" piano, on which John Lennon composed one of the most influential songs of all time! Who knew?! I took some pictures of it; maybe I'll upload them later...but the important thing I that I would not have even experienced this little piece of history if I had simply been on my way somewhere...I was in it for the moment, and it was a good one. A day full of good moments.

sedation 101

Haven't been blue or anything; I have, however, been feeling generally uninspired, which is why I haven't been around here much. I've poked my head around my regular reads, and it seems I'm not the only one who hasn't been feeling the updating vibe. I wish I would sign up for more of those artistic prompt websites like Self Portrait Challenge, Inspire Me Thursday, etc. I guess what I'm saying is I'm in need of some inspiration.

Costa Rica inspires me; that's why I posted this rainforest picture I captured on my honeymoom. Aren't these beautiful? If you've been to CR, you know this plant is no anomaly. I think it's some sort of bromeliad (pineapple cousin)...which, if you are a secret life sciences nerd like me, you know that bromeliads are the plant in the rainforest in which poison dart frogs lay their eggs. The rainforest is like a caricature for life; deep, humbling contrasts such as the shimmery reds and yellows of a tropical flower to the deadly tadpole that lies within its leaves...The great kapok tree to the tiny, insignificant people who stand in its wonder.

Speaking of insignificant in the scheme of things...Long story short, my "great new job" didn't work out. Don't worry, no one was fired by anyone, I left them, everyone's on good terms with everybody and nobody's mad at anybody. Nothing I should be sharing on even a mostly anonymous blog, so the short story is that I'm in a well-planned job search...meaning I'm financially prepared to wait several months in order to find the place where I really need to be. I don't regret going to the job where I was, and I don't regret leaving either. I followed my bliss, and now I just need to hold on. What is hard now is that I am in a waiting place...You remember the waiting place from Dr. Suess (Oh the Places You'll Go)...

"...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting."

Pretty surprising that my life (all of our lives, really) seems to be following a Dr. Suess story, bc I believe it hasn't been long since I referred to myself as being in Dr. Suess's "slump," or something like that. I've read ahead in this book, and it gets good in the end, so I guess it's all okay.

My point is that waiting is hard for me...bc it is vulnerability. I just want to 'fish or cut bait' with everything. Everything. I guess everyone is that way a little, at least. I've grown a little concerned about my issues with vulnerability, though, b/c I've realized it's more ubiquitous than I thought...


So, I tried to entertain the thought of, well, sharing my life in that way (not that this would matter for YEARS anyways), and I felt freaked.the.youknowwhat.out. One of the first thoughts that scared the youknowwhat out of me was that if I did have kids, I should have at least four, bc then the handicapped one would get taken care of by the others. WHY am I assuming I'd have a handicapped kid, like my brother? How shameful is it that I would almost not have kids just bc I would be so afraid of having one like him? You know what's interesting...My dad (who has been through WAY more than me) totally did this. He went through the humility, heart break and heart warming roller coaster that is caring for Tyler, and he went on to have two other kids, knowing either or both of them could have ended up just like Tyler. The thought makes my heart beat in my throat, and then there's the guilt from thinking it in the first place. There's a good chance that I was dead on the whole time with the kid thing, but I feel I owe it to myself to be more alive, to scrutinize my intentions.
No special ending, really....the thought is really as incomplete as it seems.

*****
Cross your fingers for me that the teaching job will come along again, though...I miss it desperately. Ironically, it is the humility, the right conditions for spiritual growith, that I love so much about teaching. I don't know if I mentioned this, but I decided not to do the social work master's and went for literacy specialist instead, which I am loving. As it turns out, and as I believe it is for many educators, teaching IS my social work. Teaching.has.my.soul. I think other jobs will probably have my soul someday, but now I know teaching is where I need to be. I truly miss it right now, in an " I could cry" sort of way. More than anything, i'm just feeling blessed to know that there is something out there that I truly love to do and that pays my bills AND leaves me feeling incredibly blessed (sometimes through clouds of stress) at the same time.

a morning ritual

Last year (academic year, that is...teacher talk), I usually woke up at 4:30, a few times 4, and a couple of times even 3:30. As a new teacher, I was so unbelievably over the top stressed and overwhelmed with obligations that this is just when I started my day. I started in on lesson planning, then grading, then lesson planning, then organizing, then lesson planning. Oh, and lesson planning. Of course, eventually I opted for some sanity and set some boundaries here and there...I integrated 10-15 minutes of yoga/meditation into my morning, I set some limits on when I would be willing to work on work outside of, well, work. But as a perfectionist, or more of a failed perfectionist, what I hadn't done to the level I wanted ate at me like crazy. I just couldn't seem to compartmentalize, and I seldom felt truly relaxed, always thinking that there could be a way I could have researched more and made my lessons more creative, engaging. Don't misunderstand, it was a WONDERFUL job that touched me in so many ways and humbled my soul...but for right now, I'm somewhere else, and it is the place for me to be...

Enter new job. What time do I wake up? 4:30. But, people (or person, as the case may have it), it is a whole new 4:30 around here! I ride my exercise bike, journal, drink tea, listen to my "World Flutes" cd...and my favorite part is that Preston the Dog and I have our little morning ritual at the courtyard. He runs around sniffing things and peeing all over. I journal, or I just sit and watch the fountain. Starting my days like this, how could a day turn bad??

Maybe best not to pull at that string.

But still, my days are great. I love my new job in ways that I cannot even put into words. It is the people. The students- I didn't know if I would like high school students, but they already have my heart...and honestly, they are less work than middle school kids by about a million. (Not saying I'll never go back. I'm one of those people who wants to teach everything, all subjects, all ages.) The school is designed for students who have dropped out or are at high risk (the top reasons for dropping out are parenthood, having to support self financially and having to take care of someone at home), and it's just such a special mission that it attracts co-workers who are altruistic-minded indivuduals. These co-workers are some of the most inspiring people I have ever met, ever. I share a room with a few other teachers (the nature of Special Education), and was worried about it...but, these women are medicine for my soul! Each one is strong and unique in their own way, and real in ways that I (or most people that I've met!) had never dared to be. I feel like I laugh all day, work hard, and come home happy and emotionally relaxed.

So, to sum it up, we've got fountains, dogs, laughter and I just found out that the lowest calorie pastry at starbucks is the old fashioned doughnut...pinch me, people.

There is one woman I work with, from an African country, who responds to "how are you" with, "I'm blessed. How are you?" I'm blessed, too.

And corny. Seriously. The old me would really hate me.

Yes, it's a doggie water fountain.

I never noticed this dog water fountain by the creek, probably b/c my dog jumps right in, ingesting copius amounts of urban creek pollution as he has his fun. I didn't take him to the creek as much this summer as I wish I would have; but, it's still warm, and we'll still get to go!

Tomorrow is my last day of summer vacation. I wasn't supposed to start for two weeks, but I have a new position, so I have to go back early. Still teaching, but special education now, and less than 2 miles from my front door! Two miles, people. I'm so excited. I loved (after learning to love!) my last job, but I really wanted to be in my community. So, now I am! I think I might end up with a lot less take-home, since I won't be planning lessons or taking my own grades (it's like a resource position)...so, this is good since I'm working on my master's and trying like hell to actually be able to communicate in Spanish.

B and I are still married (tongue in cheek), by the way; medical school is keeping him very busy, but not above and beyond what we anticipated. We just have to be sure to plan in the time and hold to it. I'm a person who loves tons of alone time, finding my balance in the solitude, so I'm doing pretty well (some people say it's actually harder on the spouse, bc they are the one waiting around for someone else), b/c to me it has just cut down on our non-quality time together and intensified our actual quality time. It's a fun challenge. We spend time studying together, too. We go to Panera (they just built one by our house!), and I practice the Rosetta Stone Spanish while he learns about cell biology: both VERY useful!

I'm going to miss my dog when I go back to work. We've spent so much time together this summer, mostly cuddling, honestly; he is a spooner. Good news is, my new job is so close that I can drop Preston off at doggie daycare across the street in the morning so that he gets some playing and some time off from being tortured by the cat.

Sometimes when I look over ramblings like these, I think my life seems so boring: spooning with the dog, sitting at Panera, the untold pleasures of the dog water fountain at the creek, etc. And, I'm so thankful for all of these simple pleasures.

the very little I know.

I still have not wrapped my brain around this, which is why I haven't mentioned it. It is also why this will probably be short. A boy from my school died a highly publicized death last week. I did not teach him; we are a small urban middle school, though (an old building, built when middle schools were kept smaller), so everyone seems to know everyone somehow and the effects of tradgedy permeate. He died in a flood, and according to the news, as his parents and siblings watched helplessly. When my husband told me the news, the area of town where a boy had lost his life, my heart began to race. I signed into my work email for the first time this summer, selfishly pleading that it not be from my school, and especially not one of mine. Selfish, yes, but this was my auto reaction. And, when it sunk in that the child wasn't mine, I of course felt no better. Maybe because he his mine; we are all eachother's. I cannot imagine the loss felt by his family, his friends and even his teachers. Teachers love their kids fiercely; I wasn't always even aware of how strongly I felt about my students until something tapped into that well. The humbling moments. The moments that were sweet from the beginning. I remember the last day of classes, the dark cloud that floated over my lonely, child-less room...it hit me, quite suddenly, all of the times that I was not really "there," that my eyes didn't light up, that I didn't get how lucky I was (am). I guess that is what I have to offer now, which seems trite in comparison to what a family in my school community is going through...Of the little control I have, may I renew my view, my appreciation, my compassion for my students. For all people. May I see them in their best light. That is all I know for now. Peace.