namaste

I have never wanted a tattoo badly enough to consider the physical pain of doing so. I mean, I can be kind of a baby. Indecisive, too. I like change, or at least I seem to have a lot of it, so it always seemed like a tattoo would be too permanent. Then, I read an Ani DiFranco quote somewhere that said something about how she realized her tattoos were no more permanent than she herself. Wow. I'm listening....And then something about going to hot yoga so many hours a week, I'm feeling the desire to commemorate the end of my challenge. It is not for many more weeks, so I have the time to think on it.

I'm thinking 'namaste' or an interpretation of namaste, and I'm thinking on my foot, on the inside. The color of henna. If there is something that I've most taken from all of this exhausting 7+ hours of yoga a week, it's that I hope to remember that the very best in me sees the very best in you...and to remember that those aren't different things. Somehow, in all of that sweating and exhaustion and pushing of limits, there is a transcendence that occurs as the body and breath sync; the illusion of separateness falls away a tiny little bit. I want to take that with me all day.

In other news, I was in KC this weekend for a very special friend's bachelorette weekend. It was such a great time with funny, down to earth women. I left missing Kansas dearly, to be honest. I love it here as much as I can, but I miss the midwest state of mind. I miss being near friends I've known for years and most of my family.

Having said all this, last summer I also whined about living in Dallas and when I let it go and focused more on the essence of what I was looking for (diversity, real people, nature, charm, community), I found it right here somehow. B and I talk about manifesting a bit, which makes us both feel kind of flaky; but deeply, I do feel that the universe is intelligent and responsive, and I do see evidence of like attracting like all around me.

So, here it goes. The essence of what I'm missing is...invested friendships that are deep and light and fun at the same time...connection with family members...charming, old-world surroundings...simplicity...walking to a slow, steady beat...cycles in nature, like the expansion and contraction of fall, then winter, then spring and summer...I can't pinpoint what I love about that one...variety? the hopefulness of spring? the artfulness of fall?

And tomorrow, when students return and responsibilities start to call to me faster than I can answer, I just hope to be balanced. I feel protective of my life balance, and vulnerable to lose it. I think yoga during the week may be my best balancer. I am so afraid, honestly, of going back to only existing as a self during the weekends, that is if I can get my mind off of work. I joined a book club. I have yoga. Balance...Peace...Respect for myself and my body...That's the essence of what I'm hoping to get out of this year.

i had to leave the house of self-importance
to doodle my first tattoo
realize a tattoo is no more permanent
than i am, and who
ever said that life is suffering
i think they had their finger on the pulse of joy
ain't the power of transcendence
the greatest one we can employ

- Ani Difranco