can't sleep...

i heart the hipstamatic app; i just do.

God,

grant me

the serenity

to accept

the things

I cannot change,

the courage

to change

the things

I can,

and the

wisdom

to know

the difference...

Today, I am thankful for many things, including:

-A four day week!

-And a field trip to the Aquarium.

-A fun time at Hippie church (aka unitarianism); I'm helping with the kids' class. Most notably, there was this string trio- a (kickass) violinist, a guitar player, and this guy who rocked out the mandolin! They also performed the song Blackbird, which has special meaning to me right now, given where I am with things.

-Friends. Friends who talk me through my own dramas- I used to keep most of my dramas to myself, or maybe talk about it, but only once my mind was already made up. These days, it's more of a "come as you are" kind of vibe- much better. I'm coming with my discomforts and my sometimes self-induced drama. "This is just how it feels to be vulnerable," says friend Elizabeth, handing me a comfort Frappaccino. Other friends, who are patiently waiting for me to be ready to share more about what could look like my life crashing down around me, or like the opportunity of a lifetime- depending on where one is standing...Friends at Cafe Brazil for brunch. Friends with drinks. Friends with elotes. :)

-Internet Friends. Margaret and I seem to be going through divorce together, something I'm sure neither of us imagined so many years ago when we met on here, each mostly focused on fitness, each with our boyfriends. We have been blogging buddies for something like 7 years, I think, along with Mia and Lauren. It's amazing how you can meet real friends like this- I did not anticipate it. I mean, for real! Mia and I are talking about working on a teaching project together this year, long distance between here and the Bay Area where she lives. Also, I strongly suspect that Margaret and Lauren and I will all meet up this summer; this has been in discussion for a bit, now. Regarding divorce, I should add that divorce is more of a symptom in the case of B and I- a positive symptom, believe it or not- of a new kind of life in which feelings are really and regularly felt and chances are taken, etc., etc. So, I'm not "going through" divorce as much as I'm "going through" withdrawal from thinking I had everything figured out when I actually had lots of blank spots.

-Pema Chodron's audio book, "When Things Fall Apart." This would be great for people with addictions; she goes very deeply into the concept of just sitting with discomfort, loneliness- refraining from trying to make the discomfort go away. It is an uncomfortable practice, but incredibly strengthening. It really helps me sit with my fears, and I find that when I lean into my fears, really feel them, they pass through me and go away. I have more of a sense of being able to handle much more than I felt I could handle before.

-My camera is FINALLY fixed. It was sadly easy to fix.

-I remembered to take my trash can to the curb for tomorrow.

-I finally fell into a little...depression? for a bit...And, then out of it, thank God. Nothing like dispair. I would describe it as grayness, listlessness, and a heightened sense of anxiety. I started to just feel paralyzed- I had tried to hard to build a "problem-proof" life, only to find that the goal in itself meant I had some pretty serious problems! I fell into this place in which I wasn't sure what directions to move ON ANYTHING without making huge mistakes again, and I just didn't want to move at all. I realized, "I still don't know how to do this, necessarily." I guess the big lesson there was to stop trying to be perfect, and just be where I am. It's human. It's messy. I still like me- some people seem to like me more. Some don't love it so much. Now, instead of assuming that no one will stick around if I go through pain in the ass times or have needs, I'm just making the mistakes that reflect what it's like to start something new; and I get to really know who sticks around for that, instead of the subtle manipulations we can sometimes to do ensure we are "loved." I'm believing more in people. It feels good. Less lonely.

-Realizing that really helped me rededicate myself to extreme self-care. I'm usually pretty good about this anyways, juicing and exercising and such; but, I had fallen off a bit- and now, I'm back on for reals.

-So, I'm kind of "broken open," knowing nothing; but, I am usually feeling liberated by this.

-I had the best yoga session tonight. The energy in the room was amazing. A girl next to me brought her baby, probably about 6 or 8 months. She was crawling all over me during a couple of poses! It was beyond cute- I'm so glad it happened! Little kids can really remind us of the nature of the universe...meant to be silly, mostly worry-free, fun, laughing and falling down and making funny faces at people you don't know.

-This is kind of weird, but I've been going to a 12 step program: Alanon. Wow. This is a special kind of vulnerability, because you are in this room with people just like you, talking about shit you usually don't say- and it's not like a therapist that you pay. Something about the money really changes things, somehow- it saves you from the vulnerable parts a bit. In general, I've done my due diligence in life to be sure that I'm rarely vulnerable to anyone at all- to a truly shocking degree (which is why I'm rambling on about it now...). I can see clearly that this is a huge part of my current path- to find the point of vulnerability and to sit with it. Again. Again. To be loved. To love. To be let down. To see that I'm ok anyways.

-I'm working really hard at just having fun-- I got really serious at some point as a kid, and I stopped being child-like very, very early. This week, I've thought a lot about how it's time to go back and reclaim those years, and just relax and have a great time. Be silly. Be ok. Be spontaneous. Learn something new. I have some things coming up that are kind of fun/scary...

-Getting my house together more, bit by bit. I think I mentioned that B and I had never really unpacked-- if that couldn't have been a clue! I bought a desk last week for my office (to be), and I think I'll probably get around to assembling it this week. I'm grateful for this house- it fits me so well. I love it. I'm not sure if I'll ever want to live with someone again- who knows.

electrolytes, underpants, apartment police

Yin and yang. The good side of the balance is that hot yoga has been going quite well! Not only can I totally make it through a class now without symptoms of heat exaustion, but the other day I did two! That's three hours of hot yoga, people! In between, I got almost a 2 hour break and a shower, but I'm hoping to be fit enough to be able to do back-to-back classes, b/c I won't have as much time for yoga once I go back to work and start my master's. I think how much better I'm doing now has something to do with being a little more fit, being more acclimated to the heat, and also that I've started drinking electrolytes during class.

Yang? I decided to delete that.

water, please.

Question of the day: Will hot yoga make me pass out or throw up in public today?

I'm definitely not new to yoga, and I'm even sort of not new to hot yoga...If you don't know, hot yoga is yoga in which the room is heated to, in this case, 98 degrees while we go through the series of postures. I know. It sounds aweful. Believe me though, people who do it love it. With a history of just passing the hell out all the time, I've not yet made it through the 90 min. class without having to sit down. If you're familiar with what it's like to pass out, you know what I mean. The blood pressure drops, so you can't stand up anymore...then, if it gets worse, you can't sit up anymore, or if you don't listen to your body or are just in a bad way, down you go. And it's not fun at all. You are sure you will throw up (although I haven't yet), and did I mention that your vision goes? Benign (depending upon what you fall on), mind you, and trust me it will get you out of school for the day, where instead you go to your grandma's and receive special treatment even though you feel just fine.

At any rate, I usually catch myself in hot yoga before it gets bad....I really try to listen to my body, which apparently is just really, really susceptible to heat exaustion...But, from what I was told, I sat in a part of the room where they leave the fans off...Now, I don't think I could go to a hot yoga that didn't have fans, bc our bodies need to evaporate sweat to cool ourselves...At any rate, I didn't have that, or maybe it had something to do with going to the 6 am class, with the way they saw we wake up dehydrated, but people, we had an incident.

I'll leave out most of the horribly embarassing details, but it involved me crawling, yes crawling, and also laying with my face on the floor of a public bathroom. Not. Pretty. People. This happened to me the summer after I graduated high school, at a car wash in the McDonald's parking lot. I had just moved to Dallas and didn't know anyone, so I ended up at a car wash for a church or something, and it occurred to me that I was just seeing the outlines of people. Bad sign. Enter nausea. I knew I had to lay down fast, or it was all over. Much like a sick dog, I quickly found my way to the most isolated place I could find, I remember I could barely see. It's kind of like looking at the negatives of a photograph, the light comes through, but everything else is getting blacked out. Anyways, the grease, the disease of the floor, none of it mattered. Ah, it feels so good, the cool floor.

And there on the bathroom floor I was found. Yes, the urban McDonald's disease-infested bathroom floor. Finally.

"Oh my God, We have to call an ambulance."

"No." I try to sit up, you know, wipe the bathroom floor STD's off my forehead. Can't. Sit. Up.

Someone brings me orange juice. I don't know who they are but I drink it. the floor has probably already killed me.

Long story short, I am able to get them to wait ten minutes. And, I recovered. And got the h out of there.

The moral of the story is, well, there is no moral. Just sending out a general wish that it doesn't happen again today...Please? Fairy God Mother? Baby Jesus? Collective unconscious? Genie? Please?


POST YOGA UPDATE: Thank you Fairy God Mother, Baby Jesus, Collective Unconscious AND Genie! Today was the first day of hot yoga that I actually made it ALL the way through the 90 minutes without having to sit down. Tomorrow, 6am, will be my first morning class after our little "incident." I plan to drink lots of water before bed to make sure I'm hydrated, and then to get up at 5 and start drinking again.

Also, I've been really focusing on being mindful of my eating, especially after being inspired by Lauren's reference to the Time photoshoot showing families' weekly groceries from around the world. Also, I was reminded today that the top 20% of population, fiscally, control 82% of the wealth (including food, water, etc). If you are reading this, you are most certainly in the top 20%, trust me, no matter how poor you think your ass is. I want to really evaluate whether I'm living sustainably. "We must live simply so that others may simply live."