my new girlfriend: Lily Allen

my new boyfriend: Shakespeare

I'm watching the BBC "Shakespeare Retold" series on Netflix. Tonight, I watched the "Much Ado About Nothing" episode.

Much to the dismay of old, more romantically pragmatic Faye, these days I'm feeling secretly hopeless romantic-y. Whaa? AND I'm on a dating moratorium. For who knows how long. I have decided to date Shakespeare for a bit; because, I'm nerdy like that.

I was never the girl who dreamily imagined my wedding day or had lots of crushes on boys. I was terrified, since before I ever dated, of losing myself in relationships. For reals; I was the youngest cynic ever. 

Love. Love. Love. Who knows what's real and what isn't real out there; I'm not sure what I believe in these days, and I guess it's not time to know. "More will be revealed," I am often being told these days. Wisdom. And so maybe stuff like this only exists in literature, but I find the words of Beatrice hopeful for the kind of relationship I would secretly one day hope is for reals. Secretly. Maybe. Okay, yes. I duuuunnnno.

"I love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest."

- William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing, 4.1

SONNET 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

                    Analysis (from Faye's lurve schema):

                I like the analysis below; however, it is my opinion/feeling that, whether over                    lifetimes or what not, the purpose behind a romantic relationship always becomes complete at some point (probably!).  So, I don't know if I could say that the only love that is true is also an ever fixed mark; unless we can say we're talking about love in general and not necessarily romantic love.  As hopeless romantic-y as I am, I don't know about forever.  It feels presumptuous (for me). 

 


Analysis (from Wikipedia):


The poet begins by stating he should not stand in the way of true love. Love cannot be true if it changes for any reason. Love is supposed to be constant, through any difficulties. In the sixth line, a nautical reference is made, alluding that love is much like the north star to sailors. Love should not fade with time; instead, true love lasts forever. When it says "Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom," Shakespeare is saying that love is timeless, and only death can do it part.
The last two lines employ a paradoxical conceit. If there is no such thing as true love, the poet says that neither has he ever written, nor has anyone ever experienced true love. However, because the poem has been written, it means the poet, ultimately, is right about true love.

trying to learn to play this

shit that scares me: finally being alone.

(my little sister with our dad's guitar)

And by alone, I mean aloooone. Margaret, are you with me, perhaps? Apparently, I have a Higher Power who will make sure I'm ok as I finally accept the changes in my life. I have threatened to kick some serious ass if this is not true. Not out loud. But for reals- I'm gonna.

Seems like as good a time as any to finally learn to play the guitar. I hope I like it. Everyone in my family seems to play, and it looks fun. Listening to my dad play guitar growing up is among my favorite memories. You know, it occurred to me: for someone who is so passionate about the arts, I've not tried them, really. What's up with that?

p to the owerless = s to the erenity

(Someone should teach me how to use my Canon Rebel- I kinda like this eerie feel, but I wish I knew how to catch the actual blackbirds. Faye advice window = open.)

Serenity comes and goes.

The aspect of this which leaves me grateful and hopeful is that as my sense of serenity waxes and wanes, my own capacity, or my edge, still advances forward. In fact, the dim light of my waning serenity seems to correlate to the advancement of my emotional frontier.

That’s growth, people.

In education, we refer to Vygotsky’s Zone of Proximal Development. Stay with me- this is so not “yawn.” If I spice it up with my whitegirlfromthecountry urban funk, would that help?! Fo’ shizzle. Fellow constructivism junkies, gather round the campfire…

The Z to the one of Proximal Development. This, playa’ hate-a’, is the place of optimal learning to where we try to steer our children; it could be defined as the particular p to the osition in which one is able to advance only with a bit of scaffolding, or support. Um…gin and juice. Grills. To the window. To the wall…The idea is that then, those particular supports may be removed. The frontier has advanced, and now, the classroom supports you in your new position. And so on, my bitches. Hate the game, hate the game.

The way I explain it to my students, whom I try to train to choose their own difficulty levels, etc., is something like this:

“If you feel a little bit confused, and you have to think hard, try out different ideas or get a bit of help from tools around the room, me or each other- you are in the right place. If you are so confused that you have no idea what you are doing, you need to take a step back- don’t worry! You’ll get there, but not by jumping ahead. If you are doing something that is super easy, you are probably not growing today, and it is time to push yourself.”

(more blurries= why not? a day at work w the iphone. my feet are the grown up ones.)

I had to enter my own emotional Zone of Proximal Development to accept and live out my powerlessness over others and over situations which I do not need to solve, as the universe will reveal and resolve in her own time. For years, I have learned of such concepts from books. I was surprised (mother effing shocked) to find that, in spite of my desperate immersion in literature, I had done a lot of spinning of my wheels; my capacity, without some help, had been tapped out like a trailer park keg of Miller High Life.

Now, I have different kinds of tools- just as the students in my classroom have tools to help them advance. I’ve been living it and immersing in it instead of simply learning about it in books. And, the frontier of my edge- it is advancing. I do not always have a sense of serenity, but I have a sense that something greater than me- an underlying rhythm, a pulse, an evolving and responsive universe- is in guiding this ride with compassion.

It has been terrifying and liberating so far to let go of the power I thought I had; but, the fear is something like a fear of the unknown or even withdrawal from a lifetime of holding on so tight. I know this, because I can sense the paradox: though sometimes afraid, I’ve never felt safer. Or braver. And more than anything: alive again, with the pleasures and pains and courageousness of a life out of hiding. Which, of course, makes me think of Kahlil Gibran's words:

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. -Kahlil Gibran

In other news: After something like six years, I’m moving my blog. Or, at least I have another blog I will probably consider more primary. I might merge the two eventually, and I might keep this one up. I dunno. I’ve realized I want to talk a lot more about scandalousy things that I’m not sure I should put on here- which means I tend to not update here these days. Good scandalous. Not bad scandalous. I just think I’d have a lot more fun if I didn’t feel the need to hold back. I’d be happy to tell ya where I am if you are a girlfriend or an online friend- others, just ask. But be warned: I’m more socially inappropriate than I may have let on.

baby jesus + boxed wine + fedora

= shit I bought at Target one day. I bet the guy wondered what kind of drunken vigil I was having when I got home. I just couldn't pass up the Baby Jesus candle, and the box of wine is self-explanatory. Okay, I'm much less lushy than I'd like you to believe; but, I do have a goal of having a glass of red a day, and it seems to happen more often when it comes with a convenient-pour spout, straight from the top of my fridge.

Went to an improv show today. It was so dang hilarious that I'm thinking about taking one of their classes. Seems like I'm coming alive from eternal illness and actually being social again, you say? Why yes! It's true! I've set intentions to get to know more people in my community, people who are full of light, and heck if it's not just happening all over the place.

Of course, who can go wrong in Oak Cliff. I love it here. I love the trees and taco stands, creepily fabulous elotes, how everyone has weird glasses (speaking of: WHEN is the Lisa Loeb line coming out?! The website says spring...) and appreciates things like bicycle lanes, small business, diversity.

I'm getting closer every day on my tattoo...I'm thinking something about namaste, infinity, unity, a blackbird(s). Not sure. Margaret says that she is a good person to get my first tattoo with, that I should get it with her this summer. :)

I've gone on a penis moratorium, by the way. If you have a penis and are not a family member or eunich, check back with me in a couple of weeks.

Today, may I live the questions...

fear + impermanence + infinity + trump card

When I am afraid, it means that I have lost my connection with the truth that I am a part of the infinite, of the unity consciousness of which everything is a part.

What is there to fear when endings are illusory?

I was reminded of this last night when I was meeting with some new Transcendental Meditation friends; I had put out the intention to know more local tm'ers, and of course, the universe ALWAYS responds. Clay is 32. Megan is 31. The fact that we were all in the same place at the same time, all having had the same desire to connect, is notable. We talked about our experiences and transformations since TM, the cycles, the wax and wane of spiritual awakeness- Even some metaphysical freakyness- something I rarely get to swap experiences on.

Later that night, I had a little opportunity to put into practice the beliefs of which I had been reminded. I was spending time with a friend and got my feelings hurt when they ditched for something better. I wanted to grasp at the friendship, for it to be to the other as I saw it. I wanted it to be as close as it had been (in my mind?), enough so that I would not have been the one ditched. Grasping.

Grasp the bubble on the stream because you want it to stay; see that it has disappeared. Grasp because you wish that things you love would not cease to be, or accept the impermanent state of reality. I tend to especially grasp onto circumstances under which I've allowed myself to feel vulnerable. Some of the relationships and situations on which I've grasped have remained, and some are like the bubble.

Impermanence. Herein lies a paradox. Everything is impermanent, like bubbles on a stream, popping in and out of existence; however, in it's more refined state, nothing is impermanent, and everything is infinite. Jobs. Friendships. Marriages. Dessert. All impermanent...in a sense.

I give my Trump Card to infinity- infinite unity and sameness. Everything will fall away, yes; however, in it's essence, nothing falls away at all.

Upon reflection, I realized it doesn't matter that I was not with my friend. My friend and I will always be together, a part of the same unity of which we are all manifested. If the friend drops away completely, if someone I love awakes from this life into another, if I am abandoned by someone I love deeply, if someone doesn't like me or cuts me off: these are the fears of my neurosis, what Eckhart Tolle would call "pain-body." These are the fears of my ego, and they are sometimes easily activated- especially lately, as my consciousness has been preparing to let go of some of these old "pain-body" fears. I swear in yoga the other night, I could sense my ego speaking: "No. No. No. No. No."

Liberation from fears can be a ticket into the present moment.

May I live in the present moment, knowing that any of my ego-fears do not need my attention and can be given to my higher power; in this case, knowing that at the same time, everything will be lost, and nothing important can be lost. May the spaciousness provided by this liberation provide me with presence to really live the moment with gratitude.