Sunday, February 17, 2008

Have you...


downloaded this book yet? It is on itunes. Most times, books aren't interesting enough to me to LISTEN to; I have to actually have the book in front of me b/c I'm eternally destracted. We're talking learning styles, here, people.

But, this book is THAT good. I don't know if I'm ready to say Pema-good, but it is good.

For example...
"The more you make your beliefs your identity, the more you are cut off from the spirituality inside yourself."

"The transormation of consciousness is arising, to a large extent, outside of the structures of institutionalized religions."

This moment is the perfect teacher

"This moment is the perfect teacher." -Pema Chodron

I've been listening to lots of Pema, still. The wisdom that keeps floating by as I continue to remember and forget and remember forget is surprisingly simple: stay. I used to listen to Pema because then I would FEEL better. I journaled, because then I would FEEL better. Just hold on, I tell myself- Soon, you will FEEL better. I'm trying to get away from that; instead, to feel what I feel. To go into the discomfort, like facing the monster in a dream. The difference, ironically, in how I feel is shocking to me.

Of course, I continue to forget. And remember. And forget...

It is easy to forget when I've been so busy!! I know where my time is going! I'm doing two after-school programs, and teaching Saturday school is around the corner...I'm in a full time load of graduate courses (sort of by accident, long story)...unpacking, because we moved two blocks two weeks ago. The reason we've moved two blocks is because we got a new little dog that kept showing up in front of my classroom window and asked me to take him home, and our old apartment is a two-pet place (picures & super cute story forthcoming)...AND, I've been doing extra sleeping, because I keep getting the same sinus infection over and over after 3 rounds of anti-biotics...Am I allergic to Dallas? Is it the old building I'm working in? I've never been sick so many times in a row, although overall, I'm much sicker in Dallas anywyas than I was before I moved here. It's supposed to be a big allergy city.

I keep saying to myself, "Get through this too-busy time, and then you can get back to what life is all about." My lesson has been that life is with me in whichever moment I happen to be in...this moment is the perfect teacher. Instead of wishing for summer to be here, this moment is the perfect teacher. With my head and a humidifier huddled under a towel, this moment is the perfect teacher. Not getting to drink the wine I bought yesterday because the cork screw is in an unknown box somewhere...this moment is the perfect teacher. Giving up the idea of having A's in all of my classes b/c it would take the last shred of my life balance...this moment is the perfect teacher. My financial aid check being 6 weeks late...this moment is the perfect teacher.

It's easy to be thankful for these new moments: Sitting in front of our new fireplace...drinking coffee on our new little patio...watching our dogs play at the PARK we now live ACROSS THE STREET from!!!...how the litter robot has changed our lives (Do you have a cat? You HAVE to buy this!!! http://www.litter-robot.com/ )...Valentine's Day party with 2nd graders who might as well have been walking around with mountain dew I.V. drips...Oh, we got a new car, which I'm thankful for, although there will remain a place in my heart for our Scooby Doo van...and of course, uanbashadly abusing the ellipses... ... ... ...

Did anyone else cry like sad drunk at the Nanny Diaries? Man, I wanted to grab that little rich kid and hug him.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

something


I will blog something today, I told myself. I guess I'm on a little haitus; I've really let life get in my way lately, and I feel too busy for ANYTHING! I'm not sure what the answers are yet (quit something, wait it out, stop sleeping?), but I know I'm looking forward to being less busy. I'm so not that person who loves to be busy, though I totally used to be...I think it made me feel validated. Now, I feel out of touch when I'm like that, because I don't feel I need be define myself by the things I'm doing the way I used to--As a teacher, sometimes you really have to stand up for this; teachers have upspoken expectations (from other teachers and non-teachers alike) to give an unbalanced portion of their lives. As passionate as I feel about what I'm doing, I don't feel the need to do THAT. Now, that's a little gift from the universe. Peace-

Sunday, January 13, 2008

happy college day

me: Happy college day! Would any volunteers tell us about the college t-shirt they are wearing?

2nd grader 1: L*nghorns. It's in Texas.

me: Great. Who else?

2nd grader 2 (huge smile): Mine is D*llas C*wboys.

me: oh?

various 2nd graders: Yeah, I want to go to D*llas C*wboys college, too.

2nd grader 3: my dad went there.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

has anyone seen my life balance?


I had it here, in Costa Rica. Not the most flattering picture, but man I was peaceful.

I FEEL pretty peaceful now...however, I'm so into my work-- which is such a happy place-- that I seem to have forgotten that I have a whole life to balance.

looking...I'll be around once I find it, at least a little bit.

I've been listening to Pema in the mornings. Wow. My students really should write her thankyou cards; she makes me much more peaceful...I hope my students feel my room is a place of peace...

There I go again, back to work...I hope my HOME feels peaceful-- I hope I do things like read for fun, drink wine in the bath tub, be creative and have lots of coffees with friends. I hope I'm in tuned with my intentions, with the effect my actions have on others...Are they better or worse off for knowing me?

I've learned to love living in Dallas, but please don't let me "become" Dallas, leaving the simple things behind for a world of work, drive, work, drive, work...

I've imposed a "work" limit on myself starting this week, and I feel better already...but I'm still not quite right...

Monday, November 19, 2007

"Yessssssss"

+i have a passion for food + for some reason taking pictures of my meals+ here, we have veggie burger with edamame + v8 + mmmmm +

'Tis the sound of 2nd grade. Holy crap, I wasn't sure I would like it as much as older kids, but let me just tell you: Hill.ar.i.ous. This is my favorite job I've ever had, easy...I know it's early, but when you know, you know, right? I just get such a kick out of them...So far, as a new class, we've mostly been working on establishing all of our routines, but next week we're going to get into some of our enrichment stations (extra content practice, along with music, drama and visual arts stations) on Friday. Second graders do things like this: When I introduced myself, I sat them down on the carpet and said among other things, "First, I want to tell you a little about myself."

A sea of "yesssssss" es.

"Holy crap," I thought to myself, "This is going to be EASY!"

And it has been, but it's been hard, too...only in a good stress way, though.

So, that's why I haven't been around; I've been doing something new, learning how to teach short people. My classroom makes me happy...I leave with MORE energy. It is a HUGE breath of fresh air! I.LOVE.IT. so much I almost feel guilty. My commute is about 15 minutes, although it's just 4 miles away...I drive right through down town every morning...such a pretty time of year to drive downtown, with all the lights. Ahhh, new love.

I listened to Buddhist nun Pema Chodron some this morning, and I'm listening now. Inspiring. It's so hard to stay abreast of our actual intentions and our true drives. Love vs attachment is hard for me, or more, love without attachment. One thing that I've been working with, especially as a liberal, is having a peaceful spirit and nonjudging spirit instead of the sense of superior morality that can come so easily. This seems to go hand in hand with connectedness....Chodron said, "We proceed as if we are separate from everyone else, when we are all the same. We waste time exaggerating, romanticizing, belittling ourselves…" Like most people, I tend to prefer to sort people into piles of "us" and "them," which I've come to believe (and sometimes follow through on) isn't an accurate picture of what things really are. My old boss/principal used to just say, "we're all just people." Yes.

Vivid dreams lately, some fantastical, some sad, I wonder if it means anything.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

watched youknowwhats never grow




Man, it's not fair how good today has been. First, it's been really beautiful today. Inspirational weather. I love the smell of fall. I love the mums. Apple cider. Wassail. The fact that there is a community pumpkin event coming up, to raise money for local kids who need it. I love seeing special little fall-themed desserts like apple tarts with caramel drizzle and sugar cookies painted into cream cheese frosting pumpkins at the store. Knowing I'll get to see all my family again at Thanksgiving. We all get together, like 30 or 40 of us, every Thanksgiving at my grandma's. We do things like play spoons, a dangerous game. We eat, and my midwestern relatives ask if I'm still a vegetarian, and it gets on my nerves for a split second until I realize what a waste that is. We walk around the pond, sit on the dock. Last year, I rummaged through a familiar suitcase which still held the dolls I played with as a little girl. They really feel like mine alone, but in a huge extended family, they've gone through more hair dressers than a Las Vegas drag queen. The barbie I couldn't find but really wanted to was the one's whose youknowwhats grew when you twisted her arm; anyone else have Growing Up Skipper? I think she stuck around until too many preteen girls sprained their arms trying to grow some of their own, and then Gloria Steinam barbie came along and beat everyone up with a fish and a bicycle.

Thinking of b**by barbie makes me think of all the strange mythologies your (okay, mine) family feeds you when you're a kid. My great grandma used to tell me that breasts grew when "they've been played with by boys." What?!

Worse yet, my mom and grandma always blamed my trips and falls on my angel....Your "angel" will make you do things like fall and stub your toe after you've lied or talked back...which lead me to basically give the finger to "my angel" growing up, instead, praying to Santa, who was always good to me.

Ah, Christmas. This is about when I start thinking about it; go ahead and judge me. I've been people watching lately. There is an energy this time of the year that floats around all of our heads; I'm not sure of the source. The holidays finally coming? Well, for me that's big. I love old Christmas films...It's a Wonderful Life...The Bishop's Wife...White Christmas. I keep meaning to order The Shop Around the Corner, the old Jimmy Stewart film off of which You've Got Mail was based. I'm thinking of fires, gloves, snow. Makes me miss Kansas...the least visited state in the union; I miss it a little right now... The people seem more simple, or their lives seem more simple at least. The fall leaves, I have to say, are far more complex. I bet the town where my husband and I met is blanketed with a tapestry of leaves hanging over the streets. I hope I always have a midwestern day-to-day life, but that also I perceive the joys in complexity.

One joy is that...I got a new job today! Title 1 school, which is all I've really experienced so far anyways..I'm going in for a MAJOR change, though, to teach second grade. Holy crap, I know. Since I entered a literacy graduate program and am interested in literacy as a social justice piece, I think it's important to see literacy at the primary level. It's weird how nervous I am!!

Another joy? Dates! Today, I made one and had one. I bought tickets to the Regina Spektor concert at the House of Blues in Dallas; this will make a great date. But seriously, it would be a "mature" day for growing up skipper. Husband date was fun, and now he is sleeping next to me, mumbling through some sort of medical dream. He got out of school seriously early today, which NEVER happens, so we got to spend a lot of time together. Had two baily's and coffee at dinner and we saw the new Wes Anders*n film. He writes the weirdest stories; I love it. I love the music he chooses, the aesthetics of his films, the way he makes simple moments into art. To me, it illustrates that art is in every moment...whether we see it depends on our perspecitive. I'm surprised that our westen culture accepts his films; they move slowly in a way that one is to enjoy each moment for what it is, not for the fact that you are hanging on for the plot to develop. I found myself bored at the beginning, and then I realized, "I'm not getting this. I'm expecting something else, and not appreciating what it really is."

It's so hard to be in the moment sometimes...I've been trying to appreciate and soak up where I am, whatever I'm doing...so today when I left the movie, I decided to take a look at the piano which was sitting, small and simply unadorned, outside the theater. As it turns out, it was the "Imagine" piano, on which John Lennon composed one of the most influential songs of all time! Who knew?! I took some pictures of it; maybe I'll upload them later...but the important thing I that I would not have even experienced this little piece of history if I had simply been on my way somewhere...I was in it for the moment, and it was a good one. A day full of good moments.