can't sleep...

i heart the hipstamatic app; i just do.

God,

grant me

the serenity

to accept

the things

I cannot change,

the courage

to change

the things

I can,

and the

wisdom

to know

the difference...

Today, I am thankful for many things, including:

-A four day week!

-And a field trip to the Aquarium.

-A fun time at Hippie church (aka unitarianism); I'm helping with the kids' class. Most notably, there was this string trio- a (kickass) violinist, a guitar player, and this guy who rocked out the mandolin! They also performed the song Blackbird, which has special meaning to me right now, given where I am with things.

-Friends. Friends who talk me through my own dramas- I used to keep most of my dramas to myself, or maybe talk about it, but only once my mind was already made up. These days, it's more of a "come as you are" kind of vibe- much better. I'm coming with my discomforts and my sometimes self-induced drama. "This is just how it feels to be vulnerable," says friend Elizabeth, handing me a comfort Frappaccino. Other friends, who are patiently waiting for me to be ready to share more about what could look like my life crashing down around me, or like the opportunity of a lifetime- depending on where one is standing...Friends at Cafe Brazil for brunch. Friends with drinks. Friends with elotes. :)

-Internet Friends. Margaret and I seem to be going through divorce together, something I'm sure neither of us imagined so many years ago when we met on here, each mostly focused on fitness, each with our boyfriends. We have been blogging buddies for something like 7 years, I think, along with Mia and Lauren. It's amazing how you can meet real friends like this- I did not anticipate it. I mean, for real! Mia and I are talking about working on a teaching project together this year, long distance between here and the Bay Area where she lives. Also, I strongly suspect that Margaret and Lauren and I will all meet up this summer; this has been in discussion for a bit, now. Regarding divorce, I should add that divorce is more of a symptom in the case of B and I- a positive symptom, believe it or not- of a new kind of life in which feelings are really and regularly felt and chances are taken, etc., etc. So, I'm not "going through" divorce as much as I'm "going through" withdrawal from thinking I had everything figured out when I actually had lots of blank spots.

-Pema Chodron's audio book, "When Things Fall Apart." This would be great for people with addictions; she goes very deeply into the concept of just sitting with discomfort, loneliness- refraining from trying to make the discomfort go away. It is an uncomfortable practice, but incredibly strengthening. It really helps me sit with my fears, and I find that when I lean into my fears, really feel them, they pass through me and go away. I have more of a sense of being able to handle much more than I felt I could handle before.

-My camera is FINALLY fixed. It was sadly easy to fix.

-I remembered to take my trash can to the curb for tomorrow.

-I finally fell into a little...depression? for a bit...And, then out of it, thank God. Nothing like dispair. I would describe it as grayness, listlessness, and a heightened sense of anxiety. I started to just feel paralyzed- I had tried to hard to build a "problem-proof" life, only to find that the goal in itself meant I had some pretty serious problems! I fell into this place in which I wasn't sure what directions to move ON ANYTHING without making huge mistakes again, and I just didn't want to move at all. I realized, "I still don't know how to do this, necessarily." I guess the big lesson there was to stop trying to be perfect, and just be where I am. It's human. It's messy. I still like me- some people seem to like me more. Some don't love it so much. Now, instead of assuming that no one will stick around if I go through pain in the ass times or have needs, I'm just making the mistakes that reflect what it's like to start something new; and I get to really know who sticks around for that, instead of the subtle manipulations we can sometimes to do ensure we are "loved." I'm believing more in people. It feels good. Less lonely.

-Realizing that really helped me rededicate myself to extreme self-care. I'm usually pretty good about this anyways, juicing and exercising and such; but, I had fallen off a bit- and now, I'm back on for reals.

-So, I'm kind of "broken open," knowing nothing; but, I am usually feeling liberated by this.

-I had the best yoga session tonight. The energy in the room was amazing. A girl next to me brought her baby, probably about 6 or 8 months. She was crawling all over me during a couple of poses! It was beyond cute- I'm so glad it happened! Little kids can really remind us of the nature of the universe...meant to be silly, mostly worry-free, fun, laughing and falling down and making funny faces at people you don't know.

-This is kind of weird, but I've been going to a 12 step program: Alanon. Wow. This is a special kind of vulnerability, because you are in this room with people just like you, talking about shit you usually don't say- and it's not like a therapist that you pay. Something about the money really changes things, somehow- it saves you from the vulnerable parts a bit. In general, I've done my due diligence in life to be sure that I'm rarely vulnerable to anyone at all- to a truly shocking degree (which is why I'm rambling on about it now...). I can see clearly that this is a huge part of my current path- to find the point of vulnerability and to sit with it. Again. Again. To be loved. To love. To be let down. To see that I'm ok anyways.

-I'm working really hard at just having fun-- I got really serious at some point as a kid, and I stopped being child-like very, very early. This week, I've thought a lot about how it's time to go back and reclaim those years, and just relax and have a great time. Be silly. Be ok. Be spontaneous. Learn something new. I have some things coming up that are kind of fun/scary...

-Getting my house together more, bit by bit. I think I mentioned that B and I had never really unpacked-- if that couldn't have been a clue! I bought a desk last week for my office (to be), and I think I'll probably get around to assembling it this week. I'm grateful for this house- it fits me so well. I love it. I'm not sure if I'll ever want to live with someone again- who knows.