leaning

I am leaning, and I don't know into what.

I used to see my whole future- the entire thing. I knew all of the boxes of which I would be checking, I knew them by heart; I had been planning them for years. I wrapped these plans carefully and clung to them white knuckled, riding out the lonely times of my past on these childhood dreams. I wouldn't repeat those mistakes- ever. I wouldn't lose my footing for love- ever. I wouldn't be vulnerable like that- ever.

And there I was, vulnerable anyways.

That crystal ball? Rouse. Selecting the details of my life carefully out of a catalog? Limiting. Vulnerable? Oh yes- this whole time. A newish feeling for someone like me to actually feel, though vulnerable I've always been. I find it to be paradoxical in nature, like a black and white drawing. Black defines white. White defines black. Vulnerability defines living. Living defines vulnerability. B is moving today, and it is a step forward. Seven years of looking for Home with one another, and we are off to separate houses. It's not so much that he is moving that makes me shake; the fear is in what comes next, a different kind of life. So far, it seems my objective had been to avoid pain...

Leaning. Into my bliss? Yes, but I can only see the very next step in this game. I have no boxes to check off, and I don't know where I'm going. God, I can actually feel it, through my chest, my stomach. It's raining, and I can't see ahead of me, but I smell something like spring, and I think I'll stick around for the new life, for the harvest. How long have I been swimming upstream, I wonder? Tired, yes. Will it be liberating to let go, to let the currents take me? Will it be terrifying? Will I get hurt? What will I find?

"Well," said Pooh, "we keep looking for Home and not finding it, so I thought that if we looked for this Pit, we'd be sure not to find it, which would be a Good Thing, because then we might find something that we weren't looking for, which might be just what we were looking for, really." -quoted from The Tao of Pooh