(walk way by my house, what the ants see maybe)
9/07/08: This used to be a fabulous, yet personal post! Thanks to my little blogger friends for helping me work through it. Removed from site, because I have "the fear!" :)
Thursday, July 12, 2007
How much can you lose? How much can you win?
(walk way by my house, what the ants see maybe)
9/07/08: This used to be a fabulous, yet personal post! Thanks to my little blogger friends for helping me work through it. Removed from site, because I have "the fear!" :)
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Faye, this is a beautiful post. Before you even mentioned that you felt better by writing it all down, I got that sense -- I think all these thoughts and feelings swirling around just sometimes need to make their escape to the (written or online) page in order for some of their therapeutic magic to enlighten us.
ReplyDeleteI totally, totally identify with some of the things you wrote. I adore being in the helper position -- it's the one I'm most comfortable with and I love the challenge of helping other people with their problems. I think there's an element of control to it that is very enticing. It sounds like you've had many experiences where you haven't been the one who gets to dictate or control (especially when you were younger) so it seems to make perfect sense that this quality appeals to you.
It's funny, one of the things I find so incredibly difficult - still! - about therapy is that it's all about ME. Wha? No hiding in other people's emotions? Every week I'm a little taken aback that we're going to talk about me AGAIN. There's such comfort in the distance that you get when talking about the other person -- perhaps we can learn from the mistakes they make instead of trying them out on our own? I don't know, but it sure as hell beats dealing with my own shit.
(Hmmm. Not sure this comment is even making much sense, I'm just really doing that whole stream-of-consciousness thing.)
I think sometimes we create these patterns to avoid the scariest, most terrible thought at all: that we are unlovable. At least for me, I think it's why I defer talking about myself a lot and sitting in that vulnerability: what if I'm seen as incompetent and that person decides he/she doesn't like or love me? Devastating.
Anyway. I feel proud of you, silly as that sounds. Putting out that tiny light in the dark before you've figured it out sounds like a damn fine first step to me. Keep us posted.
I love you. I'm so lucky you're in my family now. N loves you too!
ReplyDeleteFaye,
ReplyDeleteIf you look back over your last thousand posts, they seem to go something like this: happy, happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, happy, happy, sad, happy. The same goes with when you write about teaching. This is your cycle, up and down, whether you realize it or not.
Give yourself time. You'll figure this out. But don't leave the lessons behind you; they are all that keeps us up to the standards we set for ourselves and for others.
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ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I really appreciate your comment and am open to considering that, but don't actually think any cycles found on my blog can be considered representative of my life, especially because most of my writing is not actually done here but in a paper journal; I tend to write here when I am trying to figure something out or have just figured something out...I don't think of it as 'happy' or 'sad,' but just an update of where I am in trying to work through some question I have. I don't think it is a bad thing that I feel afraid or sad, and it is not reflective of all of the emotions I have right now (I'm very happy about some things right now, too); I just think it is the first stage in working through an unhealthy pattern that I've always had and didn't really realize I was doing. The fact that I'm writing about it now doesn't have anything to do with cycles, b/c the situation has been here forever. I don't think it can be boiled down to a cycle of moods, b/c I am not really talking about moods here...When a new situation arises that causes disonance, I will be lost (in a sense) for a bit, and then usually emerge thrilled to have found a lesson in it. There are some cycles that I've been more of a slave to that I've been able to make great progress with studying Bowen Family Systems for the past several years, but I don't really write about that here. I don't know why I felt the need to explain all that, but I really did. :)
ReplyDeleteMaybe as the new movie, "Evening" contends, "there are no mistakes in life." We do what we have to do and at the end we realize that much, very much of what we've known and experienced didn't really matter all that much! Like Vanessa Redgrave's character finds, there is release and great freedom in that. I believe your photos often get at this.
ReplyDelete