i'm tired

That's it.

I'll come back, but not until I have slept.

so i try not to talk too much about work, but...

Today at work, of course, we remembered 9/11.

I happened to be reading a story to my kids at the carpet when the rememberance announcement came over the intercom. As I listened, I closed the silly big book onto my lap and looked out over the faces of 15 six-year-olds. A little surprised they seemed to "get" that this really was a moment to be still, I wondered if any of their parents had told them what it was all about. I thought about how they were born into a totally different world than was I. That blows my mind a little. Do they know what they're missing? Or, do they have more somehow? Do they notice me looking at them in a different way during this announcement, as if I'm trying to peak into their futures- their childhood dreams?

I don't know why she did it, but when I returned my glance to the row right in front of me, a litle girl had her hands folded together and eyes closed, whispering a prayer as if she were the only one in the room.

Another day, another lesson in humility.

Another reason to be present, to let go of the complaints, the frustrations when they don't learn fast enough or when I feel too tired to show up for them. Another reason to remember how I really feel about the fact I get to spend my days with children.

oasis in the ghetto

Here is a camera phone picture of B sitting on top of the dam in our back yard. We finally made the trek all the way down there. It is WAY down, and covered with ivy. And spider webs. Yes, big spiders in their shiny, dewy webs. I grew a little today. When we got to the bottom, we just loved seeing the creek close up. There are fish and everything! I don't mean to be flaky, but do you remember when I started saying that I just wanted to be surrounded by nature preserve-y-ness? Then, I accepted where I was and decided, "bloom where you are planted." I began to feel (force at first) gratitude for the parts of Dallas that do happen to jive with me (like Oak Cliff, the school I teach at, that I found out we have the largest urban hardwood forest in the nation...) From setting that intention to be surrounded in nature, though, everything just fast tracked, and now here we are. We are in the shadow of downtown (which we love to be close to), just SURROUNDED in georgous nature. Nobody lives to our right, and our neighbors to the left are many ivy covered trees away! Our view to the front is evergreens and flowered bushes. So fabulous! We LOVE it!

By the way, you can see that there is a giant hole in the dam! When this neighborhood was built in the 20's, and back then I guess it was one of THE places to be. Behind that dam used to be a spring fed lake, and then a waterfall cascaded off of the damn. Apparently, the city blew holes in the damn in the 50's or 60's or something?? From the heresay I'm catching, things have changed in that the city used to own the creek, but now the home owners own their respective parts of the creek. Because of this, there is a movement to get the dams repaired, so we could have a pretty spring-fed pond in our back yard someday. Who knows.

On the down side, we heard gun fire last night, far away. We were already warned that this might happen, being so close to downtown. Our old neighborhood was close to downtown too, but it was super close to the uber-rich hood. Our neighborhood seems to consider itself an oasis in the ghetto, kind of. I have to say that I like that. Someone wise told me two things I try to always remember. The first was, "View people with the eyes of the heart." The second was, "Never lose touch with the poor." I hope I do both of those things. I never want to forget that some people's lives aren't like mine. And I never want to judge them for where they are (am so working on this).

Anyways, if you're planning on visiting, don't you worry. The neighbors all walk their dogs in the evening and talk to eachother and stop by to say hello. Really, the houses are just beautiful and people are vigilant (and maybe vigilante) about neighborhood safety. We are pleased with our security lights and alarm, and on Tuesday we get panic buttons for the alarm programed onto our key chain alarm thingies.

I must admit I'm also secretly a little pleased with my perceived politics of the hood as well.

I haven't been coming here (blogger) often, because I've gotten a little paranoid after ethics training at work. Even though I don't think it's fair that teachers have to deal with this and swore I would never succomb, word is educators can actually lose their jobs over being "found online." I am so not in a place for it to be okay to lose my job. Can not even risk it a little bit. And I'm in Texas, which can sometimes be land of the not forward thinking. I work for great people, but you know, you just never know.

So, I've been thinking that I'll just delete anything remotely secretive and use the blog as a place for personal expression in general. Maybe I'll finally start doing the weekly photo websites I always say I'm going to do.

I've been siting for 20 minutes a day pretty regularly, although my goal has been to do that two times. Sitting still in the morning in our back yard with tiki torches and a cup of coffee makes it pretty easy to be in the present moment. I did a sun salutation today today on the original (30's) brick patio, and loved looking up through the cedars.

camera phone: surprisingly NOT bad

Hotel in Philly + my finger. Still figuring out the new camera phone. At home, you have to open your own doors (in general) and pick up your own messes. I'm still happy to be back...My efforts to live more ayurvedically are going slightly better. Definitely have been adding more prana (life) into my food; it's surprising how much I eat food that all came from cans or a freezer. For lunch, had salad avacado, feta, etc., and roasted broccoli. Tonight: salmon, basmati rice pilaf (cooked in ghee, which is said to be detoxifying and has a much higher heat threshhold than olive oil, and roasted broccoli and cauliflour.

And a New Belgium Sunshine Wheat Beer.

i'm a loser baby

House appraised for the right amount. Yay! We can stop holding our breath now. Kind of. 3 weeks to closing. Don't ask us to dinner, unless you are buying.

Now, we are asking if the appraiser could justify an even higher appraisal, so we could have some help with downpayment...We are getting in right now with 6k, but that is SO painful. We are po'! We are eager to take the loser way out and finance a little of that right in. Yes, we know that that might make Suzie Orman or Rich Dad judge us, but it will lower our anxiety about adjusting to a mortgage and all the crap that can go wrong. So it's worth it.

But anyways, yay.

I've been scouting pets on petfinder.com now that we're going to have a yard. B is luke warm only on this, but I'm always the one who talks him into pets. And then he can't imagine not sharing our lives with them. And then, as if to give me the finger, they often end up liking him the most!

This time, we're getting a girl.

Phoebe-ish update: As encouraged by my ayurveda doctor, I put out an intention to find the right meditation right for me and "waited for the universe to respond." And, as I'm coming to expect, the universe DID! An old friend from KS wrote me to tell me about "zero point field" meditation, which she's getting very into. And in NYC, a cab driver who took me to the airport actually was a Buddhist Monk. He said he had met the author of my favorite Buddhist writing, "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying." Wow. He went on to tell me that he really hoped I'd look into "emptiness meditation." Wow, wow, wow. I am loving just following my bliss, putting out intentions, and waiting for the universe to respond. It is a new kind of faith for me. Regarding all the funky meditations: I think I just like sitting. Is that okay?

City of Brotherly Love

It was going to be the height of romance. Me + New York City = love forever. My crush was in full force; I mean, I had just watched the Sex in the City movie (okay, twice). We had an exciting first date a few years back, but this time I knew the magic was really going to happen. Tagging along with a girl I work with, I was enthusiastic to get my New York on. I probably didn't give enough consideration to the fact that we were staying in a studio with 3 other people, because I really want to be low maintenance like that. Fact is, people, I'm just not. It's not about space as much as it's about quiet time. But, I did stay one night in the Chinatown studio, and I'm proud for being a little bit flexible, especially because then I would get to see all of New York for super cheap.

Then I met Philadelphia.

True love.

I rode the train down from NYC to stay for a couple of days with my friend Candice in NJ (close by). The idea was to catch up with Candice and then head back to NY for the rest of the trip. I decided to check out Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love.

There was some chemistry there. I decided to spend the night. And another night. And another night. It has been me and me alone exploring what I think might be my new favorite city. I love the dinner cruise I took, that people walk around in Colonial clothes. I love the old-world charm (well, for the new world), how there are bicycle trails all over, the old boats, the pier, balmy summer weather, narrow brick roads, Rittenhouse Square, that there are a bazillion giant, old trees.. I love it in a political way, too. Reading the plaque by the Liberty Bell really moved me because the idea of liberty for ALL carries such meaning today. (Not to claim national symbols for my lefty ways, but you know, the righties did it with Christianity.)


What sealed the deal is that the downtown has the charm of NYC, tons of eclectic people that are actually sort of nice, AND it is ALL within WALKING distance. A long walk, but a walk. A total pedestrian-friendly city with little signs everywhere that show you where you are and all the places you could walk in 10 minutes. I love that. I hope that over time, Dallas can learn a thing or two from Philadelphia. Yes, there are some pretty to-the-core differences, but Dallas is making some progress with this. I think we can become a people friendly urban area. :)

This vacation has further solidified that 90% of people might not want to vacation with me. I like to go places with people, but I need so much alone time to really thrive. Constant time in conversation really leaves me needing to recharge. I used to think that indulging that side made me a baby, but I've realized, especially through this trip that it is just me.

I relish long meals alone in charming restaurants. I love to lay down on city benches and stare up through trees. Sitting in little coffee shops and smiling at people's dogs. Not huge on the sights, but I like to check out what speaks to me. Mostly, I like to just soak up the feel of a place.


Tomorrow I get back on the train to New York to catch my plane out of Laguardia. Plane leaves at 9:30. Not sure whether to catch a sight or so in NY or go to this place in Phill that apparently serves Oprah's favorite mac and cheese. Always the classy girl, I think I might choose the greasy comfort food. I really miss B, so I'm ready to go home.

And (since we don't have tv at our home), I'm watching t.v. right now. Wow. I see why people are getting stupider. Has mtv not gone down hill even more since I was 14? I am actually stupider. And the worst part is, I'm still watching. And on the flip side, I am noticing they are including gay couples in their little dating shows regularly. That is SO Liberty Bell.

now

So...

I was just at the house, as we're getting the inspection right now. So far, everything is solid, especially for a house built in the 30's.

I met my across-the-street neighbor, another teacher at another arts magnet (but the high school one, which is where Norah Jones went). He mentioned that he often made dinner for the prior owner of our house (noted!). He also said that the hood is a great group of people with an active home owner's association, which is trying to get some small spring-fed "lakes" back in the community. He said that there is actually a waterfall (well, over a dam. Not an Ansel Adams situation...but still!) that is right in our back yard once the water rises some! To be honest, the more we are there, the more I notice I love about it. It is the sanctuary I've been looking for.

And, I feel a little mushy about how I got here. Once again, a testament to letting go a little, accepting and loving wherever I am *now* and following my bliss. Mia, you totally had a part in this. Isn't it strange how much these weird little blogging friendships can end up changing our thinking and effecting our lives? When I was whining about no nature in Dallas, Mia said, (with great tact!) "bloom where you are planted." So, I did. We knew we wanted a greater sense of community, maybe a little more progressive-minded, diversity...so we started looking at houses. From there, we fell into this house, which we cannot believe they are selling to us for a price we can afford.

Inspired by Lori, I've decided I need a "me room," for uninterrupted meditation, introspection, etc. I thought it was going to be easy, as the garage is already partially converted: Make a little room. Done. The thing is, apparently, for a garage conversion to really matter for home value, you need to extend the foundation. So, not quite as easy as slapping up some dry wall. When I was sitting in stillness for a bit today, I remembered that I've always been inspired by little outdoor prayer chapels...So, there's an idea, and a pretty feasible one, I think. A little room, built outside with some good views, the size of a big closet just long enough for yoga movements, with electricity (in case I want to write) and nature all around, where I can be still and in total solitude. There is a part of me that feels guilty for wanting a room just for me, but I guess people just have different needs. Maybe it's because I grew up being alone a lot. My mom worked the night shift a lot, and even though we lived in an old trailer, it was on all this land. I enjoyed that solitude so much. I didn't feel lonely anymore when I was outside with my little dog, laying in grass. I miss that. I am never alone in nature, and I've realized that I will be deeply sad if my kids don't get to have a similar experience: Not a lot of stuff, but a lot of nature. Like anyone else, I lose my footing in life sometimes...but I'm so happy I know a place where I can find it again.

And deeply grateful that something so inspiring is probably going to be right in my back yard. More pictures coming.