stillness speaks

+you know that book, The Great Kapok Tree? + This is a kapok tree somewhere near Quepos, Costa Rica, which I clearly cannot get enough of + It is way huger than it looks here + I think I took this pix from a car, actually +

Stillness speaks, says Eckhart Tolle. Not that he's the first or last to say it. Really, when I think of sitting still through mental drama, I think of Pema Chodron and her fabulous words which have really become somewhat of a mantra to me, "This moment is the perfect teacher." In honor of day one of my new two-day (did you know some people do like 90 days?! Holy crap!) second juice fast, I've been reading Tolle's little book called Stillness Speaks. Before I actually read some of it this morning, I did sit for a long time (kind of). I was semi-grumpy for what my normal self would call a silly reason, and really didn't want to sit with it (because, like, it's uncomfortable!). I'm realizing more and more, that these are the times that I would often not even know what was annoying/grumpifying me, because I'd move right on to some kind of destraction. And every time...EVERY time, like frickin' magic, when I sit with it, look the discomfort in the eyes without even telling it go go way, away it goes. It goes away, even if it takes awhile. And I don't tell it to go away; I just accept the moment, I say to myself, "this is what is, the feeling that is, or the fear that is floating past my mind like a dark cloud." This too shall pass, dark clouds and giant fluffy clouds alike...Then, I picked up the book and read something I found fitting :


"When you are identified with mind, you get bored and restless very easily...When you feel bored, you can satisfy the mind's hunger by picking up a magazine, making a phone call, switching on the tv, surfing the web, going shopping, or- and this is not uncommon- transferring the mental sense of lack and its need for more to the body and satisfy it briefly by ingesting more food...
OR, you can STAY bored and restless and OBSERVE what it feels like to be bored and restless. As you bring AWARENESS to the feeling, there is suddenly some space and stillness around it, as it were. A little at first, but as the sense of inner space grows, the feeling of boredom will begin to diminish in intensity and significance. So even boredom can teach you who you are and who you are not..." -Eckhart Tolle, Stillness Speaks


Uh, yeah! Put a check mark for me in all those boxes! That's what I want to do this for. I think I'd like to go the rest of the day without the internet, and then not at all tomorrow (except maybe to post). No movies. Just acceptance and awareness for whatever is in that moment. In this present moment.

And a little xanga wannabe update. I shall now attempt to define myself by my books and song:
+Been listening to: New Soul, by Yael Naim; The Heart of the Matter, by India.Aire; The Amelie Soundtrack (Le Fabuleaux Destin d'Amelie Poulain), by Yann Tierson
+Been reading: Stillness Speaks, by Eckhart Tolle; Goodnight Nobody, by Jennifer Weiner; The Laws of Money, by Suze Orman
+Been watching: Oprah's Soul Series, Season 8 of Friends...but I'm putting it away! I am!

mmm, juice

+b and i+ looking kind of creepy

I have been on a serious Christmas kick. I know how weird that is, but it occurred to me that school is going to start kind of soon, which means it's fall. Fall? Thanksgiving, which I also love. And to me, that means it's basically Christmas. Ah, I love it. I don't know why I'm in that place lately, but I've taken in It's a Wonderful Life, recently. The Bishop's Wife. The Family Stone. The Holiday. As much as I love the holidays, I seriously just don't like the present part. Isn't that bad? I should feel bad. In my plans for future queendom, we'll only give presents to people we don't know that really need it, and maybe anonymously. Or, maybe we'll just give offerings of time; I haven't worked out the details. Although I'm not a Christian really (at least not by most Christian's standards), I think celebrating who Jesus actually probably was and believed in is a wonderful idea, kind of like celebrating Ghandi's or Buddha's beliefs, or the Tao. I believe they liked the same ideals. I love the Christmas season for a heightened sense of mindfulness in all areas, appreciation for loved ones, servanthood. Having said that, I do think the whole magic of Santa thing is seriously cool and my hypothetical future children will totally be leaving some cookies and milk on the dinner table.

And onto more seasonally appropriate topics... So, juice fasting: love it, turns out. I did two days, and day two was by far the best. No hunger on day two, although sinus headaches, yes. I was not prepared for the hightened clarity and mindfulness, and I've heard that after day four is when you usually start seeing those kinds of benefits. It is hard to express in words, but I would say that it is somehow spiritually and emotionally cathartic. You are forced to constantly process emotions and thoughts and let them flow. It reminds me of peeling an onion, or of blowing the clouds out of your little corner of the sky, one by one to see that the sky was always blue afterall...Even when it seemed a sea of grey.

Apparently, juice fasting is supposed to have some serious healing qualities (think a dog who stops eating when sick), as your body is releaved of the arduous task of digestion to focus on healing throughout your body. I (and B is with me, which adds to the fun) am just doing it for the emotional/spiritual side of the coin right now. When we have a real juicer, I'd like to consider a longer stint. Today, I'm taking off, but I'm thinking I'll go for Friday and Saturday and then off again at least for my mom's visit on Sunday/Monday. She wants to try our new favorite restaurant, which is vegan. In Dallas, cowboy!

Wednesday is our anniversary, so we will be eating out for some super fabulous meal in which we will sit at our table for longer than is smiled upon by social norms. I guarantee some cheese and wine will be in company. And desert. And Lavatzza coffee. We are on year 3. Six total years together, which is officially almost double my second biggest relationship. I am so such a big girl now. Year three was probably the hardest and the best. I think we got the most done in year three, at least, as far as our relationship is concerned. Year two might of actually been the harder. Yeah, revision: two was harder. Nothing scandalous, it's just that marriage is hard work and it can be hard to bypass the walls you didn't know you even had. Year one was easy at the time, but when I look back, I think we were somewhat distant from one another without really getting that.

Then comes the world tour. Friday, we are going to Kansas City to see B's parents and friends. And then into the more rural Kansas, to see grandma and smile at the place where we got married. THEN, we are going from there to Colorado; our friends invited us to go to a cabin with them. I am seriously excited, as Colorado is truly beautiful. And THEN, I'm back for a few days only to leave again for NYC with a girl I teach with. The best part is I get to see my friend, C, so we can pick up exactly where we left off, as usual.

it's noonish

Preston is sprawled out, half asleep in front of the door, probably in case B comes home. Sam is looking especially disheveled today, sleeping heavily on the couch as usua,l with all four legs straight out as if in casts. B is playing tennis and then reading at Starbucks. I'm drinking tea. And writing you.

Second day of juice fasting. I woke up and did a mini yoga/breathing thing, and then poured a pot of tea from fancy pants dechlorinated hot water thingy (pictured above). I have one in my classroom, too, so I can be a tea nerd all day long. B and I originally were originally doing a 1 day juice fast, something we had studied in ayurveda that's supposed to kind of reset your digestion and hunger cycles. During the fast, we both found ourselves pretty intrigued and decided to do it today, too. Most, I am intrigued with fasting as a way to "sit with" various thoughts and emotions. Anyone who knows me well knows I am truly passionate about food. Surely, I always will be, but I'd like to use it (and other things, like the internet, for example) less as a distraction from whatever thoughts are bouncing around in my head. Then, I know I'm passionate about the cheesecake and not just what the cheesecake is helping me not to think about (which is usually something benign like work, anyways).

Other than occassional grumpies, the only problem I've had so far is headaches. Especially sinus headaches. Oh. My. God. I am talking about sinus headaches, here. The way it comes and goes is the weird part. Is this movement? Is this a good thing? I finally took 4 ibprofin last night because I just could not believe it, although I was a little worried about taking medicine on a fast. Any underlying hypochondriac tendencies were in full swing, let me tell ya, and I thought maybe I should break the fast to avert certain (painful, slow) death. In the end, it passed. And returned. And passed. I wonder if this is my body getting rid of a sinus infection, and that the movement just causes pain...

For like 8 months on and off, I've had this very frustrating health mini-crisis of having a low fever on and off and inflamed glands/nodes...some sinus symptoms, but really the issue has just been the discomfort of all of that inflammation and just the aches of having a low fever....went through 3 rounds of antibiotics earlier this year which did nothing, so the (minimally to moderately trusted) dr said it must be some kind of viral thing, maybe mono or something like it that likes to last forever...Bah. Western medicine. Or, maybe it's not the medicine, but the hurried system under which some doctors have to operate...I feel like going to the doctor is pointless, because there is so little discourse, or cognition whatsoever for that matter. Especially after watching B bust his ever lovin' moneymaker through medical school, I can't imagine him turning to a thoughtless repetitive cycle of prescribing antibiotics after antibiotics...but, either because of complacency or just pressure under a system, I know we've all been through that with doctors.

Enter integrative medicine. Saturday, baby. My appointment with western trained dr, also trained in ayurveda, also a cranial-sacral osteopath. Let the "ness" quest begin.

In other news, B and I are looking at condos/houses. I know. I think my whining was evidence of a critical mass that ended up with me realizing that it's not about where we are as much as who we are. That doesn't mean that we'll always be here, but we are now and it's okay to put down some roots. If you know me well, you may know that roots freak me out a little, but not for any good reasons. Anyways, we can't afford a lot, especially since a bank will not recognize B's student loan income (which then cuts our annual income in half), but we are having so much fun looking and imagining. If you want to bring a house warming gift, you can find us in the ghetto. We haven't decided whether we want to be bloods or crips. Suggestions?

secret, secret, i got a secret

I am pretty sure it's a little unholy on some level to admit, but I'm on a short fast. B is too. Guess who is handling it better? (not me)

It is amazing the feelings, etc, we hide with food, or whatever we choose.

perspective?

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." Marcel Proust

dosha smosha?

+Monkey over my head+ Manual Antonio, Costa Rica+ ahhhh+

So I'm totally going to an ayurvedic doctor in in a couple weeks!! I am SO excited! The best part? He's a regular dr, too, and he graduated from my husband's medical school...In 20 minutes on the phone, this guy used Ayurveda (India's traditional medicinal system) and told me so many things about myself that I didn't tell him so couldn't not freakin believe he knew! Honestly, a little surreal. And ayurveda? It's kinda cool...It presuposes that all of us have a body tendency, or humor, called a dosha. When I've previously read about it, I thought it sounded too flakey for even me; but when I really applied the ideas to my own life, I realized that it makes a lot of sense and really doesn't go in the face of Western medicine but instead summarizes it in a different way and offers very different solutions. More later.

I think Dallas is weighing us down a little now that summer is here...On one hand, I love it here so much; my job is truly amazing and a place where I can live out my work as a spiritual practice. I've enjoyed the energy and the arts of living downownISH of a bigger city, and I have met some people who I find uplifting and inspiring...Even with that, sometimes I miss the midwest so much, or even just places where people can go outside without developing asthma...I miss nature walks and creeks where people take their dogs...I feel like the Dallas culture might be extra achievement oriented with less value on community interactions; I really think standard Western lifestyle is just amplified here by the major urban sprawl that exits that is so prevalent, and the lack of a vital downtown core. Also, maybe the fact that the economy here has been relatively stable compared to other places, so you can make a little money here. We find that you tend meet a lot of people who moved here for money, and aren't from here AND if they do live downtownish, that usually seems to mean that they just haven't fully settled down yet and soon will be off to the suburbs to do so...I can see us living in Austin someday and that being a truly good fit...Both B and I are the outdoor type and talk about hikes, camping and have always wanted to have our own kayaks (turns out our relationship is not strong enough to share a canoe). I don't need all this in my back yard...A 15 to 20 minute drive would be just fine...So I guess I'm making this my open letter/appeal to the city council to turn the suburbs into a nature preserve.

Anyways, Austin is good for all that, and I have to admit that a greater community of like minds might be nice. The real mother ship, I tend to believe, is Costa Rica.

But then again, maybe I need to let go of the ideas I had of who (and where) I thought I would be, to make way for upcoming fabulousness of which I've never dreamed? B and I NEVER thought we'd end up in Dallas for good, and always talked about living in a very liberal city with hippies and lots of live music, which is, well, not where we live...As we become who we most are at a soul level, does geography matter?

Why do I keep getting sick?

Is there a reason? I keep trying to be zen about it and "experience the feelings" of being sick, but man, since I've moved to Dallas I have been sick a zillion times. Is it the pollution? The allergies? Am I too busy? I'm supposed to be doing a hot yoga challenge, but I have a sinus infection...and two weeks ago, I had a stomache virus that totally ruined my favorite mexican restaurant! Wow, I'm whiny today. I should delete this.