ophelia

My new favorite (always changing) musician is all around general bad-ass India Aire. If you like the message of Maya Angelou's poetic words, you might really like this. Her lyrics are absolutely spiritual...medicine for the collective soul of our culture. A message of female empowerment--that it's okay to 'just be.' I want to play it all day into the ears of American young ladies, young girls go though so much- and women, too, for that matter. Our souls are damaged, clouded by the unforgiving way our culture judges our bodies. I say I don't buy into the aesthetic pressures Western culture puts on women, the microderm abrasion, name brand clothers, but the fact is, I do...So, what I'm saying is that these lyrics- all of her lyrics- are good for my soul. I encourage anyone who hasn't to download some India. Need some help choosing? Try: I Choose, There's Hope, I Am Not My Hair, Wings of Forgiveness)

India Aire - Video Lyrics


Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won't
Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie

When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be
And I know our creator didn't make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes; I'm lovin' what I see

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the
india arie

Am I less of a lady if I don't wear pantyhose?
My mama said a lady ain't what she wears but, what she knows
But, I've drawn a conclusion, it's all an illusion, confusion's the name of the
game
A misconception, a vast deception
Something's gotta change
but,Don't be offended this is all my opinion
ain't nothing that I'm sayin law
This is a true confession of a life learned lesson I was sent here to share with
y'all
So get in where you fit in go on and shine
Clear your mind, now's the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
'Cuz everything's gonna be all right

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie

Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks
I don't need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive car and your caviar
All I need is my guitar
Keep your Kristal and your pistol
I'd rather have a pretty piece of crystal
Don't need your silicone I prefer my own
What God gave me is just fine

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be india arie

things i like...

morning dew.
dense vegetation.
sleepy dog-friend.

a morning ritual

Last year (academic year, that is...teacher talk), I usually woke up at 4:30, a few times 4, and a couple of times even 3:30. As a new teacher, I was so unbelievably over the top stressed and overwhelmed with obligations that this is just when I started my day. I started in on lesson planning, then grading, then lesson planning, then organizing, then lesson planning. Oh, and lesson planning. Of course, eventually I opted for some sanity and set some boundaries here and there...I integrated 10-15 minutes of yoga/meditation into my morning, I set some limits on when I would be willing to work on work outside of, well, work. But as a perfectionist, or more of a failed perfectionist, what I hadn't done to the level I wanted ate at me like crazy. I just couldn't seem to compartmentalize, and I seldom felt truly relaxed, always thinking that there could be a way I could have researched more and made my lessons more creative, engaging. Don't misunderstand, it was a WONDERFUL job that touched me in so many ways and humbled my soul...but for right now, I'm somewhere else, and it is the place for me to be...

Enter new job. What time do I wake up? 4:30. But, people (or person, as the case may have it), it is a whole new 4:30 around here! I ride my exercise bike, journal, drink tea, listen to my "World Flutes" cd...and my favorite part is that Preston the Dog and I have our little morning ritual at the courtyard. He runs around sniffing things and peeing all over. I journal, or I just sit and watch the fountain. Starting my days like this, how could a day turn bad??

Maybe best not to pull at that string.

But still, my days are great. I love my new job in ways that I cannot even put into words. It is the people. The students- I didn't know if I would like high school students, but they already have my heart...and honestly, they are less work than middle school kids by about a million. (Not saying I'll never go back. I'm one of those people who wants to teach everything, all subjects, all ages.) The school is designed for students who have dropped out or are at high risk (the top reasons for dropping out are parenthood, having to support self financially and having to take care of someone at home), and it's just such a special mission that it attracts co-workers who are altruistic-minded indivuduals. These co-workers are some of the most inspiring people I have ever met, ever. I share a room with a few other teachers (the nature of Special Education), and was worried about it...but, these women are medicine for my soul! Each one is strong and unique in their own way, and real in ways that I (or most people that I've met!) had never dared to be. I feel like I laugh all day, work hard, and come home happy and emotionally relaxed.

So, to sum it up, we've got fountains, dogs, laughter and I just found out that the lowest calorie pastry at starbucks is the old fashioned doughnut...pinch me, people.

There is one woman I work with, from an African country, who responds to "how are you" with, "I'm blessed. How are you?" I'm blessed, too.

And corny. Seriously. The old me would really hate me.

on the edge of...something.

I was at the creek one day when the water was too low to flow over this dam; instead, a couple of turtles sat precariously on the edge, basking in the sun and one another's company. I remember looking away and thinking how presumptious I was being for worrying about the turtles' balance as they rested above the 25 foot drop: animals know what they need and how to care for themselves. Or so it seemed. When I returned my glance, there was just one turtle. Inspite of my grisly accident-scene visions, the falling turtle was fine, sauntering around the still, shallow water at the bottom of the creek. This blew my mind a little, the fact that unless the other turtle falls, the two turtles (who could have been best friends?) might not ever see eachother again. One day, they're sitting warmly on the edge of their world...the next, one has moved on to another world entirely. Animal and insect experiences have always blown my mind a little, in the way that they make an easy analogy to the human experience...we think everything is such a big deal, that each of our lives is it's own huge, especially important big deal...Do animals and insects have a similar perspective? There is the spider who loses his web, his life's work, when I mistakenly catch it on the handles of my bicycle. To me, it is an insignificant event. Does the spider think, like a human might, "there is a greater purpose in this." Or, "God must be punishing me for eating that fly." Does he read, "Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good Spiders?" I don't really have a point. I guess it's just that when I think about an animal's perspective, it makes me think about how absolutely tiny I actually am. And that's okay.

I'm on an edge of change, too, as I have been for awhile. Tomorrow, I start a new job. In only a couple of weeks, I start the actual classes for my master's. B starts his third week of medical school tomorrow. There is some anxiety, but it is for fear of the unknown, which is just a natural response. Things are changing and changing, as things do. The little pleasures have been feeling especially poignant: celebrating my friend's birthday at a candle-lit dinner with wine and friends at a warm, welcoming Greek restaurant where the Greek owner cooks the meal herself and begs you to try to most authentic items; going to see Harry Potter with my 12-year old brother last night and sitting in the front; eating vegetarian tacos & red wine with my husband for dinner tonight; reading before bed.

Yes, it's a doggie water fountain.

I never noticed this dog water fountain by the creek, probably b/c my dog jumps right in, ingesting copius amounts of urban creek pollution as he has his fun. I didn't take him to the creek as much this summer as I wish I would have; but, it's still warm, and we'll still get to go!

Tomorrow is my last day of summer vacation. I wasn't supposed to start for two weeks, but I have a new position, so I have to go back early. Still teaching, but special education now, and less than 2 miles from my front door! Two miles, people. I'm so excited. I loved (after learning to love!) my last job, but I really wanted to be in my community. So, now I am! I think I might end up with a lot less take-home, since I won't be planning lessons or taking my own grades (it's like a resource position)...so, this is good since I'm working on my master's and trying like hell to actually be able to communicate in Spanish.

B and I are still married (tongue in cheek), by the way; medical school is keeping him very busy, but not above and beyond what we anticipated. We just have to be sure to plan in the time and hold to it. I'm a person who loves tons of alone time, finding my balance in the solitude, so I'm doing pretty well (some people say it's actually harder on the spouse, bc they are the one waiting around for someone else), b/c to me it has just cut down on our non-quality time together and intensified our actual quality time. It's a fun challenge. We spend time studying together, too. We go to Panera (they just built one by our house!), and I practice the Rosetta Stone Spanish while he learns about cell biology: both VERY useful!

I'm going to miss my dog when I go back to work. We've spent so much time together this summer, mostly cuddling, honestly; he is a spooner. Good news is, my new job is so close that I can drop Preston off at doggie daycare across the street in the morning so that he gets some playing and some time off from being tortured by the cat.

Sometimes when I look over ramblings like these, I think my life seems so boring: spooning with the dog, sitting at Panera, the untold pleasures of the dog water fountain at the creek, etc. And, I'm so thankful for all of these simple pleasures.

if i could be wasting my time with you

Two years ago today, we were here, honeymooning in Costa Rica. Also known as future home. Really. Two years ago yesterday, we barely remember because it went so fast. Ah, weddings. Sometime I'll tell you about how someone started with a toast about how when B met me I swore I would never give in to the social construct of marriage, which is true. Well, true that I said that. Obviously I gave in. And, it has been great. I believe our relationship would have been great marriage or no marriage; however, there is something good and unanticipated that comes with the committment, and I'm not even sure if I can put it into words.

First of all, let's just get something out of the way: B and I danced to Phish's "Waste" for our wedding dance. Not exactly the usual timeless choice, I know. Go ahead and make fun; I'd do it too. Honestly, though, it was fitting. Here are some moments (good and bad) we have happily "wasted" together since we made it official...
...getting married at my favorite place: grandma's pond
...our labrador's debut as a groomsman (although B secretly considers him best man)
...Relaxing in the hot springs of La Fortuna, Costa Rica; relaxing rivers and streams heated by the Arenal Volcano
...Zip lining through the rainforest!
...protesting the war & the state marriage amendment together (which means being flipped off by people with pickup trucks together)
...B joined me in vegetarianism...I did NOT coerce him, promise.
...B making it through the MCAT (and scoring above 90th percentile!!!). We both deserve a high five for making it through this, as he turned into a mad scientist for several weeks. He thought only in math and science, which is not very romantic. Also, I don't believe he showered quite frequently enough.
...moving to Dallas, and spending HOURS and HOURS sitting outside in the terrace, relaxing.
...Spending time with my little bro and B together. My little bro LOVES B and even follows him around in his wheelchair some.
...Making it through my first year teaching
...Becoming members of a hot yoga studio
...Studying family systems together, which has done worlds for our relationship!
...Studying Buddhism together, which has done worlds for our spirits.

When I look back over our past, most of the exciting things we've done were before we got married, like white water rafting and ski trips with best friends...my first trip to New York...camping for two weeks in Austin and San Antonio...canoing, kayaking, rock climbing, etc, etc...but really, just like with friendships, the best times are the little times. With my friends, that has usually meant just hours and hours in coffee houses or at lunch. With B, it's the dinners that we make together, our secret shame of going out to eat, and the ability to sit at a book store for an ungodly number of hours.

And now, we approach a couple more life changes. Next week, B starts medical school. We are both excited and yet a little afraid. It is one of those things in which you pretty much know that you'll be fine, but wonder, "what if?" In a way, we feel like we're saying goodbye for awhile, and it's sad. We're soaking one another up this week; we've decared this week "vacation at home." I know there are bigger problems in the world, but in our little corner (rincon pequeno, you see, my spanish is getting better!), this is the thought of the day. Our relationship has grown leaps and bounds in the past six months, even, and I think we've come to both appreciate how blessed we feel to share something so special. It is not all scary; I've got plenty to keep me busy. I'll have a new job (more on that later, still teaching! It's good news.), and am working on my master's (I got in to the Master's of Social Work program, yeah). I'm going to visit a best friend in New Jersey in a couple of weeks...and, I keep saying I'll get more involved with local politics/activism. I've already found a local organization I love (see Central Dallas Ministries link!); I just need to get started. Maybe I can finally show Barack how much I love him, too. B and I have lots of ideas for how we'll safeguard our relationship during the next eight (yes, eight!) years of craziness. We know we'll be okay, but we also know we'll miss eachother.

This moment (below) is important to me for other reasons. Although I was not your typical bride and honestly felt a little coerced (although I did end up having the best day!) into the whole traditional wedding thing by my VERY excited mother (and believe it or not, my husband, who later changed his mind and tried to go back in time to elope), I did have a little wedding stressor, which was that the tent guy forgot the sides to the little tent. This is actually sort of an important tent, b/c it's where you're supposed to hang out with your wedding party until you walk down the isle. My girlfriends/bridesmaids and a couple of special cousins actually constructed some sides out of tulle and clothes pins. Then, they surprised me with mimosas (I had mentioned in passing I could use one- like I said, not a good bride. Then, they went around a circle making individual toasts. I get goose bumps thinking about it... I make AMAZING friends. Amazing.

And I know you're dying for the lyrics to Waste...

Dont want to be an actor pretending on the stage
Dont want to be a writer with my thoughts out on the page
Dont want to be a painter cause everyone comes to look
Dont want to be anything where my lifes an open book

A dream its true
But Id see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you

Dont want to be a farmer working in the sun
Dont want to be an outlaw always on the run
Dont want to be a climber reaching for the top
Dont want to be anything where I dont know when to stop

A dream its true
But Id see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you

So if Im inside your head
Dont believe what you might have read
Youll see what I might have said
To hear it

Come waste your time with me
Come waste your time with me

So if Im inside your head
Dont believe what you might have read
Youll see what I might have said
To hear it

Come waste your time with me

When I dip, you dip, we dip.

Here are some little green flowers that lived on my table for awhile. I like to keep fresh flowers around, and my favorite flowers are casa blanca lillies. About a month ago, I found out that these are *DEADLY* to cats. You know, I remember that friends episode where Phoebe mentions this, but I just thought it was one of those random things Phoebe would say...turns out I am very nearly a cat killer. So, here are my new flowers. Actually, they are dead now, and I am on to some pretty greenish roses. Anyways, I had to photo shop it a little, because I took the pix from far away, and it was grainy when I brought it close up.

I have been tagged by Draco to say 7 quirky things about myself. I've already done this 'tag' in the past, but I think I have enough quirky things to go around, so here are 7 MORE quirky things about moi:

1. To me, animals are just as important as people. I know this screams in the face of many religions that say human life is sacred above all others, but it is the way I feel, that ALL life is sacred. I think we are monkeys...but I love monkeys, so take it as a complement. The picture is of my cat looking human, with a book page (not sure which book, either something Buddhism or something Family Systems) and a soy chai latte (which my husband taught me to make...yum!).
2. I am addicted, and I mean addicted to watching Friends dvd's. My friend JoAnne watches them in order, but I just get stuck on one dvd for awhile, and then move on to another. I wish all of my friends lived in my apartment building and that we didn't work regular work weeks so that we could drink coffee together all day.
3. When I am over the top stressed about work, I sit my mini-dvd player on the side of the bath tub and watch "You've Got Mail" while I drink hot tea and soak it all away.
4. I love to listen to Bach but not Mozart...Mozart feels stressy to me, but Bach seems calming & centering.
5. I seem to constantly crave vinegar...I love salt and vinegar chips, vegetarian buffalo wings (b/c of the vinegar in the sauce), and I love to put tons of vinegar in my chili. Last week, I made chili just so I could eat some vinegar.
6. Sometimes I wake up in the morning to this "spooning pattern," listed from outside to inside: Husband, me, dog, cat. I feel like I have so much love in my home and sometimes can't even believe how lucky we all are for all of this peace. My dog is cuddling with me right now. :)
7. I have an unbelievably short attention span, although I've worked hard to extend it. I used to fall asleep at movies, b/c it was just too long to maintain my attention. I've overcome it, but I still don't have the attention stamina for bowling....I think there should be something like speed bowling for people like me, where you play 5 frames, then go play a game of skee ball, then have a beer w/ interesting conversation, then maybe the other 5 frames. Long conversations always hold my attention, though. My friend Candice and I use to sit for four or five hours at the coffee shop having all kind of scandalous conversations. I miss that. I feel like it is harder to find people willing to slow down here in Dallas; everyone seems on their way to something. Also related, I can't read just one book at a time: always at least 3.

I tag anyone who feels like it.