summer in the city

Good morning to day two of my official summer haitus from the world of working people. This thing lasts until late August. August, people (or person, as the case may be!). The heck? It just almost seems crazy, long! The silliEST thing is that over the year, I've come to almost feel that it is owed to me. I think this year, I almost needed it, so I don't hate myself too much....but, it's not like most jobs come with a 3 month break worked into it....and, in some states you can say that teachers are paid so poorly that they deserve a break, but let's be real. In TX, if you are starting out in social services, this is as good as it gets. AND you get the summer off. I agree that teaching is hard, but perspective is the secret key to success (as with anything, it seems), and b/c of perspective I was able to evolve to see my job as an amazing opportunity, every day. And, it was. I will never be the same...just thinking about my gratitude brings tears to my eyes every time, like a big blubbery loser. Holding out for the summer, for the weekends, now seems silly. There were gifts in every moment, but I had to adjust the lighting to see them. Have you heard the quote, "Treat your friends like your art work, and view them in their best light?" I guess that's what this year has taught me to think about life in general. It is what it is. The various challenges, etc., will be what they will be; I have a tiny amount to no control over that. I can control the way I look at it, though. The beauty or lack of beauty seem limitless in either direction, all depending on the lighting. May I illuminate.

This school year was quite the emotional challenge, but more than anything, it was an opportunity. Here is the quotation that the teacher who had my classroom prior to me left stuffed in her sub folder (maybe I should have taken this as an omen early on!):

"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as unsolvable problems." - John W. Gardner

You have no idea how many times I repeated this to myself over the past nine months. It was on my computer, and I read it at least a few times a day. And, it did not say DIFFICULT problem, but UNSOLVABLE. I love that, b/c you have no idea how many times I almost turned the car around on my way to work early on. The first time I thought I would actually THROW UP from anxiety. I had never hated anything more, ever. It was intolerable. How I thought things like, "How long will it take to recover from breaking a contract?" And, in the end, I loved it. Loved it! The news here is that my situation didn't change at all; I did. That's why I love it now. My husband was shocked by my change of heart, b/c it was overnight, like an epiphany. As someone who steers clear of drama, fights, etc, it was unbelievably draining at first to deal with the adolescent persona, much less in a high needs school. Without being too divulgent, let me just say, imagine the prototype adolescent who has no one at home that cares what he does anyways (or, more likely, has 3 jobs and doesn't have the time)...Imagine quite a few of those to start out your morning every day, wanting to fight. Ready to THROW DOWN over anything. It was a major ego schock to me, b/c this was not like what I had seen on tv, where they would love me and all their lives would instantly change and then I'd get to play an extra in the movie.

It took me a long time to even see, "Freedom Writers," b/c it kind of angered me...I didn't know what to do with these kids, and people kept saying stuff like, "but did you hear about that teacher in that movie." I wanted to punch those people, and tell them to live in my shoes for one day. I came home and went to bed. Every night. On the way to work, I actually talked to myself the whole time just so I could keep myself distracted enough not to think about the students I was dreading seeing.

Eventually, this became intolerable. And I mean, intolerable, so something had to change. I had tried to change them, but I didn't know how. The only person I could really change was me. I began to focus on seeing the beautiful inner nature of each of my students and dealing with them with compassion (firm compassion!). When I enjoyed them, when my eyes began to light up when they walked in, they decided to love me back...It really opened up a beautiful world to me. I went to my first Quinceanera, which brought tears to my eyes. I let them teach me Spanish sometimes, to teach me about their culture, and they loved that. I even began to wonder if they had some things figured out that I didn't...Each young adult, each "unsolvable problem," was simply brilliantly disguised as a great opportunity...A sheep in wolf's clothing.

The greatest "problem" of all turned out to be in letting them go. I held it together like a trooper after school, even when my 8th graders hugged me, crying, going out fearfully into a whole different world. I had to be strong for them, though I know the statistics are against them...But, they go out into the world, in a world that was much easier for me, in small town USA, than it will most likely be for them.

I went back to my room after school, my poor empty room that lives off of learning, off of students, as it's life line. I thought about many of my students individually. Will I ever hear from them again? I mourned all the times I didn't appreciate the opportunities I had been given, the times that I didn't engage in their lives the way I expected them to engage in learning...the times I reacted in anger, the times I didn't want to be there...the times I was indifferent to this most amazing gift I had been given. I thought about the achievement gap, I thought about the ones without strong families, about the ones in gangs...As their writing teacher, I got to read something of their dreams, from each and every one of them...and, believe me, they all have dreams, beautiful ones. Did you know that the teenagers you see on the street, with sagging pants and bling and enough anger inside for all our lifetimes have dreams? Dreams of helping people, of being successful, of buying houses for their families, so that they aren't evicted anymore, so they no longer have to suffer...

Travel safely, my friends.

In other news, I'm focusing on getting this #*@#*& 5 pg. essay finished for this MSW program I'm starting soon (probably fall, if something falls through, then Spring- no big deal.). After this is all behind me, I'll hopefully jump back on the volunteerism bandwagon. I always used to volunteer somewhere, but this year I just haven't had the energy. I'm between hospice and a community kitchen downtown. I might also volunteer in the children's hospital; I've done that before and really loved it.

My husband just got into med school, so we are definitely NOT going on a trip we've already been putting off since last year, with Global Exchange...A "Reality Tour" to Nicaragua. I guess they can keep our deposit, now. There are worse places for our money to go... Instead, we will procure an efficient little car. We're basically looking for our old car reincarnate: little, pretty only to us, gas efficient, never dies. We'll still travel a little, though not internationally. I'll go visit my friend C in New Jersey. And B and I are having a big tour d' Kansas right before he starts school. I have to admit that I miss Kansas, specificaly Manhattan. Manhattan is so simple, yet alive. It was hard for us to live there, b/c it mostly has families and then 20 year olds...not much in the middle. But, I miss the nature & more. The largest untouched tall grass prairie in the world...political activism that definitely rivals that of the giant city we now live in...More respect and gratitude for the environment...long conversations about life in coffee shops, the kind of situations you want to go back and recreate, even though you know such thoughts are futile.

I guess the key is to keep the lighting well adjusted in my new life, having faith that new opportunities are always around me, if I should choose to see them.

creating reality.

interesting. kind of buddhist, i think.


Drawn With Lines

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bittersweet (and not me pole dancing)

Sweet...
My brother (who is severely handicapped) graduated high school this weekend. He didn't freak the out or have a seizure from all of the flashing lights. We had a great celebration of him. No family fights, in spite of my worries of such.

Bitter...
No more place to go every day for my brother; now, he'll just stay in his group home during the day, which is a lot less enrichment.

Sweet...
He had a great visit at my house, and I had a little family gathering at my house after his graduation luncheon. Good food. Lettering on the cake turned out pretty (thanks, me!). Beautiful weather. No, BEAUTIFUL!

Bitter...
Changing my brother's "number two" daiper. Enough said.

Sweet...
Summer is almost here, and my first year of teaching is almost over...Which means that the main  reason I moved here (to hang out with my brother) can finally get some real attention.

Sweet...
My brother, who seems that he can "give" nothing back. This, if we let it, teaches us much more about life & love than if he could do more. My journey to understanding, when it comes to my brother, has been long; honestly, it has been very painful. The peace and blessings on the other side of the journey have far outweighed all of the pain. Some people's brothers stand up for them, support them, advise them. My brother teaches with silence. With dirty diapers and even drool.

Bittersweet...
Tyler's graduation
dark chocolate
family
wine
love
friendships
life
...all the good things.


Now, I need to go throw up, because I sound like a greeting card. Again.

feeling empty.

...or, rather, being empty. Science tells us matter is 99.99 percent emptiness.

I study about 30 min. every morning, somehow devoted to my spiritual growth. It's something I've been doing for myself for quite awhile. This morning, I watch Deepak Chopra's "How to Know God." It blows my mind almost as much as "What the Bleep Do We Know." Quantum Physics, if you haven't explored it, will rock your world. The most crazy thing is that the findings so closely echo many of the mainstays of Buddhism...emptiness...impermanence...the world as an illusion...

People who have studied Buddhism know it is more of a practice than a religion...It's a set of steps toward "knowing truth," they say...I wonder, were these early Buddhas (fully awakened persons) simply able to intuit something we will someday all know as science??

seems like...

...the sky is grey...with pockets of blue, but grey all the same. Today, the weather mimed my perspective, or is it the other way around?...Moments of clarity with storms coming and going, always looking for that elusive blue emergence, knowing, or at least thinking I know it is there...Not the changes of my circumstance, but the changes in my perspective...that is the true reality, right? I know the sky is always there, I know that. I wish I always "got it," every moment, though. Maybe THAT is what being awake is...

. Seems that life's events are merely the paint brushes; they barely matter at all in this transient, impermanent existence...so, I could paint stormy clouds with my day...or, a sunset...or, an ocean...a mountain. a smile.

My painting, my self, is a work in progress.

Peace.

the sky was always there.

In Buddhist writings, they use the analogy of the sky and the clouds. On some days clouds cover all the sky in our field of vision...and we may say, "Today, it is grey outside," or "Today, it is cloudy."

Yet, today is actually blue, like yesterday. Like tomorrow. Like every day. They are all blue, because the sky is blue and the sky is always there.

The sky, our true mind. The clouds, the innumerous life-destractions, which are, of course, illusions. May I let go of all of the silly illusions I ruminate over, all of the precious time wasted by failing to acknowledge the unchangeable, the good. ..the choices I've made to perceive the sky as grey instead of altering my perception towards truth.

May I recognize the truth in others...I am no better or worse than any other transient being. No one is not worth knowing. No one is too good to know.

May I access the ocean of compassion that is available to all of us to give the gift of compassion when I say things like, "I have nothing left to give." May there always be something to give.



...Am I teaching next year?

yes.


...Do I enjoy every day these days?

yes.

...Really, EVERY day??

no, I lied a little. but, almost.


I perceived the sky instead of the clouds, and things just changed.

on teaching middle school, or not.

Long & emotional. Sorry.

So, I'm finally a teacher. I majored in it. Decided it wasn't for me. Did other stuff. Loved it but made no money. And I mean NO money. Then, realized when teaching at a zoo (and making NO money) that I DO love teaching! My husband is a breath away from medical school, and we decided (based on finances/shedules/my love for kids and education) this would be the perfect job for me during this time. I'm definitely not in the area I always planned, though. Although I majored in sp. education (with the intention of working with moderately to severely disabled kids), there were no special education positions left in the program that I entered...

So, I would be a generalist with ESL certification. Why not? Ironic, yes, b/c all through college I secretly complained about having to do "regular education" projects when I would surely only ever teach special education. But I guess if I have learned anything by now, it is that life is ironic.

Then I was offered a job in middle school, teaching reading and ESL writing (I know I use poor grammar on here all the time!). Take it? Or not? Hold out for an elementary position and let this position go by, or snatch it up and see if it is all that I feared it would be? Middle school, people. This would be the time of my life that I most want to forget....

***update (9/07/08): A WHOLE bunch of stuff I deleted which ended up with me not living at home anymore***

I hardly remember any of my teachers, although one did plant a lovely seed and I will always have gratitude for her...but that is another story. (although she happened to teach reading and writing, which is what I teach, too) I guess my real question is, can I be peaceful while working to cultivate peace in such an unpeaceful environment?

All I can tell you about the answer (if you've read this far!) is that it is elusive.