creating reality.

interesting. kind of buddhist, i think.


Drawn With Lines

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bittersweet (and not me pole dancing)

Sweet...
My brother (who is severely handicapped) graduated high school this weekend. He didn't freak the out or have a seizure from all of the flashing lights. We had a great celebration of him. No family fights, in spite of my worries of such.

Bitter...
No more place to go every day for my brother; now, he'll just stay in his group home during the day, which is a lot less enrichment.

Sweet...
He had a great visit at my house, and I had a little family gathering at my house after his graduation luncheon. Good food. Lettering on the cake turned out pretty (thanks, me!). Beautiful weather. No, BEAUTIFUL!

Bitter...
Changing my brother's "number two" daiper. Enough said.

Sweet...
Summer is almost here, and my first year of teaching is almost over...Which means that the main  reason I moved here (to hang out with my brother) can finally get some real attention.

Sweet...
My brother, who seems that he can "give" nothing back. This, if we let it, teaches us much more about life & love than if he could do more. My journey to understanding, when it comes to my brother, has been long; honestly, it has been very painful. The peace and blessings on the other side of the journey have far outweighed all of the pain. Some people's brothers stand up for them, support them, advise them. My brother teaches with silence. With dirty diapers and even drool.

Bittersweet...
Tyler's graduation
dark chocolate
family
wine
love
friendships
life
...all the good things.


Now, I need to go throw up, because I sound like a greeting card. Again.

feeling empty.

...or, rather, being empty. Science tells us matter is 99.99 percent emptiness.

I study about 30 min. every morning, somehow devoted to my spiritual growth. It's something I've been doing for myself for quite awhile. This morning, I watch Deepak Chopra's "How to Know God." It blows my mind almost as much as "What the Bleep Do We Know." Quantum Physics, if you haven't explored it, will rock your world. The most crazy thing is that the findings so closely echo many of the mainstays of Buddhism...emptiness...impermanence...the world as an illusion...

People who have studied Buddhism know it is more of a practice than a religion...It's a set of steps toward "knowing truth," they say...I wonder, were these early Buddhas (fully awakened persons) simply able to intuit something we will someday all know as science??

seems like...

...the sky is grey...with pockets of blue, but grey all the same. Today, the weather mimed my perspective, or is it the other way around?...Moments of clarity with storms coming and going, always looking for that elusive blue emergence, knowing, or at least thinking I know it is there...Not the changes of my circumstance, but the changes in my perspective...that is the true reality, right? I know the sky is always there, I know that. I wish I always "got it," every moment, though. Maybe THAT is what being awake is...

. Seems that life's events are merely the paint brushes; they barely matter at all in this transient, impermanent existence...so, I could paint stormy clouds with my day...or, a sunset...or, an ocean...a mountain. a smile.

My painting, my self, is a work in progress.

Peace.

the sky was always there.

In Buddhist writings, they use the analogy of the sky and the clouds. On some days clouds cover all the sky in our field of vision...and we may say, "Today, it is grey outside," or "Today, it is cloudy."

Yet, today is actually blue, like yesterday. Like tomorrow. Like every day. They are all blue, because the sky is blue and the sky is always there.

The sky, our true mind. The clouds, the innumerous life-destractions, which are, of course, illusions. May I let go of all of the silly illusions I ruminate over, all of the precious time wasted by failing to acknowledge the unchangeable, the good. ..the choices I've made to perceive the sky as grey instead of altering my perception towards truth.

May I recognize the truth in others...I am no better or worse than any other transient being. No one is not worth knowing. No one is too good to know.

May I access the ocean of compassion that is available to all of us to give the gift of compassion when I say things like, "I have nothing left to give." May there always be something to give.



...Am I teaching next year?

yes.


...Do I enjoy every day these days?

yes.

...Really, EVERY day??

no, I lied a little. but, almost.


I perceived the sky instead of the clouds, and things just changed.

on teaching middle school, or not.

Long & emotional. Sorry.

So, I'm finally a teacher. I majored in it. Decided it wasn't for me. Did other stuff. Loved it but made no money. And I mean NO money. Then, realized when teaching at a zoo (and making NO money) that I DO love teaching! My husband is a breath away from medical school, and we decided (based on finances/shedules/my love for kids and education) this would be the perfect job for me during this time. I'm definitely not in the area I always planned, though. Although I majored in sp. education (with the intention of working with moderately to severely disabled kids), there were no special education positions left in the program that I entered...

So, I would be a generalist with ESL certification. Why not? Ironic, yes, b/c all through college I secretly complained about having to do "regular education" projects when I would surely only ever teach special education. But I guess if I have learned anything by now, it is that life is ironic.

Then I was offered a job in middle school, teaching reading and ESL writing (I know I use poor grammar on here all the time!). Take it? Or not? Hold out for an elementary position and let this position go by, or snatch it up and see if it is all that I feared it would be? Middle school, people. This would be the time of my life that I most want to forget....

***update (9/07/08): A WHOLE bunch of stuff I deleted which ended up with me not living at home anymore***

I hardly remember any of my teachers, although one did plant a lovely seed and I will always have gratitude for her...but that is another story. (although she happened to teach reading and writing, which is what I teach, too) I guess my real question is, can I be peaceful while working to cultivate peace in such an unpeaceful environment?

All I can tell you about the answer (if you've read this far!) is that it is elusive.

Saturday's stats

Brkfst:
spinach fritatta
1 pot green tea

Lunch:
light caesar salad
& a sliced tomato w/ basil & balsalmic vinegar
1 pot green tea

Snack: 2 chocolate mints
Snack: 1/2 c. cottage cheese

dinner:
green peppers stuffed w/ portabello MR, feta, fresh basil & oregano, soy mozzerella, sun dried tom's, organic & sugar-free tomato sauce,
light caesar salad


Exercise:
none...yet!

7 day's 'til my first 5K! I think I'll do a 5K today, and then not another again until the race (not that I'm going for a certain time- I just want to finish!). I'm also going to take a walk with my dog, although not a long one. Tomorrow is Sunday, and I often walk for hours on Sundays, just exploring all over. It is also a day I often spend some time with my husband, who goes on these loooong walks with me. We seemed to have developed a little tradition of having lunch at this little Buddhist Indian & vegetarian restaurant, and we always walk there. There is a beautiful trail and creek near our apartment, and I love to walk along these as well.

Today has been the first day that I've been trying out South Beach. I always assumed it was a crazy fad diet, but it turns out to be reasonable. I still probably wouldn't be into it if it weren't for the fact that I need to win that $400 for the Biggest Loser at my work. This week is my spring break, so I'm hoping to get a good jump ahead, but I know I'm not the only "competitor" feeling that way.

I'm listening to Buddhist monk Pema Chodron speaking on "True Happiness" on my ipod today. Insightful.